The higher the Mehr a woman asks you to pay, the less she valued you.

[𐒁𐒚𐒒𐒂𐒘𐒂𐒗 𐒎𐒚𐒗𐒗𐒒]

You said men. And a lot of us go back and forth in Somalia. Do we suddenly become a different being in Somalia. Wherever there's a conscription, it is mandatory for men. Look at Ukraine where hundreds of thousands of men are thrown to the meat grinder.

We're expected to fight and die. Men are not being delicate flowers about that, we accept it and pick up a gun. What you say is very insulting to the brave men who fight and die.

Believe me, I would love for the misogynist men on SomaliSpot, to be of use, and go die in a righteous war somewhere. At least go fertilise the soil, instead of demeaning women and trying to convince us to give up our rights.

The only war, the guys on SSPOT engage in, is online wars. Please, be real.

 

[Jaale]

Believe me, I would love for the misogynist men on SomaliSpot, to be of use, and go die in a righteous war somewhere. At least go fertilise the soil, instead of demeaning women and trying to convince us to give up our rights.

The only war, the guys on SSPOT engage in, is online wars. Please, be real.




View attachment 306536

Great to know that the purpose of men for you is to die somewhere and fertilise some soil. Otherwise they are misogynist monsters who should die and fertilise some soil.

 

[Sophisticate]

Men on SSpot:

Women in response:

 

[Jaale]

@Puntitequeen
If men like Morgan were held liable for their heinous crimes. Would you support it, my good sister.

 

[Kalsoon]

Sis, women should feel sorry for and support their male siblings and sons. Those are the ones who deserve to be nurtured, and after that familial nurturing, can then become fully formed men. I don't recommend that women, take non-related men under their wings, the relationship will then take a maternal dynamic.

Let’s avoid misunderstanding one another. My sympathetic view is based on my humanity which isn’t the same as pitying them as a whole. I don’t advocate supporting random men or men who aren’t direct family. I can have compassion for their struggles and be understanding but that’s the extent that it goes. Boundaries exist for a reason.

During marriage, if a husband is going through issues, then, of course. But not during the courting stage. Women are not supposed to be rehabilitation centres, or banks for men. Let them ask their hooyo, aabbo etc.

I understand where you’re coming from but to each their own. Why talk to someone who needs a rehab center anyways. That’s mistake #1.

I don't want sisters to fall into the 'starter wife' trap, you know, the wife that has their back when they are trying to establish themselves, some even pay the bills whilst he goes to school, whilst raising the kids. Meanwhile she neglects her own needs, waiting for future dividents, and future gratitude; that may never come. Of course, when he finally makes it, he thinks he needs a new woman to show off to, a woman that doesn't know what it took to build him up.

My opinion-A woman becomes the starter wife for a man who never valued her to being with. She didn’t see the telltale signs that he was just using her. I have seen gaalo women talk about this but to me they overgeneralize with this. I believe there are plenty of married people who have struggled together in the earlier years and it strengthened them.

Mida kale, a woman who neglects her own needs for someone who doesn’t think about taking care of them for her is foolish. Doormats never get respected and receive the love they crave. If someone sees you mistreating yourself, they’ll mostly think it’s okay to mistreat you too. Muslim women should seek out husbands who know the rights of a wife and who want to do their best to give that.

 

[3LetterzMM]

LOL

Meher gets adjusted to meet a man's income, the lower it is, the more she feels that you can't afford it.

Some of you guys seem to be proud to show off, how broke or how stingy you are. Shame is free, use it.

When it come to da pesos there's no shame lol I'll happily move like yahuud wit dese gyal

 

[Ladylike]

meher is ours we ask whatever we want if you don’t like it no one is forcing you. Leave. Don’t guilt trip us because you can’t meet our standards wth

 

[Angelina]

Let’s avoid misunderstanding one another. My sympathetic view is based on my humanity which isn’t the same as pitying them as a whole. I don’t advocate supporting random men or men who aren’t direct family. I can have compassion for their struggles and be understanding but that’s the extent that it goes. Boundaries exist for a reason.

I understand where you’re coming from but to each their own. Why talk to someone who needs a rehab center anyways. That’s mistake #1.

My opinion-A woman becomes the starter wife for a man who never valued her to being with. She didn’t see the telltale signs that he was just using her. I have seen gaalo women talk about this but to me they overgeneralize with this. I believe there are plenty of married people who have struggled together in the earlier years and it strengthened them.

Men can be very manipulative, plus there is a saying, you know a lot better someone’s real intentions when their stomach is full. People tend to be on their best behavior when they’re in more humble positions and they need you. Also, a lot of those men don’t have the intentions of using their first wives in the beginning tbh. What happens is that men’s ego can overtake them and then they’ll desire a younger wife who never saw their weaknesses or low points. Many men like to look like power providers and it’s hard to look like that with a woman whom you needed to help you pay the rent, hence it isn’t clear cut using. Feelings and egos can blind not just.

Also, another point I need to add. When men aren’t doing well financially, they’re not fully able to attract the type of woman they really desire. They settle and let’s be real, millions of people settle and seem to make their marriages work. But once opportunities and finances comes their way, they can upgrade their taste. Hence it isn’t a matter of using a woman, but having to make do and settle to marry and once fortunes change, they can get their type of woman.

Mida kale, a woman who neglects her own needs for someone who doesn’t think about taking care of them for her is foolish.

I agree but it’s easy to say but women will often neglect their needs when they’re mothers and on top of that when their husbands aren’t making much. They don’t have the time or the resources to ‘put themselves’. Beautifying one’s self is money, leisure is money and the list goes on. How can a woman with kids, a low socioeconomic husband that needs financial help, focus on herself when she needs to think of nurturing kids and worrying about finances? I’ve seen this in real life and when I think about the ins and out, I realize that ‘putting yourself first’ at times isn’t possible for women who are married to such men

Doormats never get respected and receive the love they crave. If someone sees you mistreating yourself, they’ll mostly think it’s okay to mistreat you too.

Again, I totally agree! But what often happens is that women can be very forgiving for the sake of the family unit. A man will misbehave and then cry and say he’ll never do it but when you as a woman keep on taking him back, he’ll continue. Sometimes divorce is the only way to maintain your dignity.

Muslim women should seek out husbands who know the rights of a wife and who want to do their best to give that.

That’s what most women and men hope for, but humans are complicated. Deception, laziness, inability to keep up with their side of the bargain, family involvement and the list goes on. The best we can do is to vet and make lots of duas.

 

[Kalsoon]

Men can be very manipulative, plus there is a saying, you know a lot better someone’s real intentions when their stomach is full. People tend to be on their best behavior when they’re in more humble positions and they need you. Also, a lot of those men don’t have the intentions of using their first wives in the beginning tbh. What happens is that men’s ego can overtake them and then they’ll desire a younger wife who never saw their weaknesses or low points. Many men like to look like power providers and it’s hard to look like that with a woman whom you needed to help you pay the rent, hence it isn’t clear cut using. Feelings and egos can blind not just.

Also, another point I need to add. When men aren’t doing well financially, they’re not fully able to attract the type of woman they really desire. They settle and let’s be real, millions of people settle and seem to make their marriages work. But once opportunities and finances comes their way, they can upgrade their taste. Hence it isn’t a matter of using a woman, but having to make do and settle to marry and once fortunes change, they can get their type of woman.

You seem to know a lot about this. What are you basing this on? Men and women can both be manipulative tbh. It’s to varying degrees but certain women use manipulative tactics as well. I don’t purport to know how a man thinks so this is out of my scope.

I agree but it’s easy to say but women will often neglect their needs when they’re mothers and on top of that when their husbands aren’t making much. They don’t have the time or the resources to ‘put themselves’. Beautifying one’s self is money, leisure is money and the list goes on. How can a woman with kids, a low socioeconomic husband that needs financial help, focus on herself when she needs to think of nurturing kids and worrying about finances? I’ve seen this in real life and when I think about the ins and out, I realize that ‘putting yourself first’ at times isn’t possible for women who are married to such men

Neglecting needs at specific times is understandable because there’s more pressing matters to attend to. Laakin, making it habitual imo will lead to life quality degradation. Women (who get some small amount of money) in Somalia can beautify themselves with what they have in terms of lacag or resources so can we. Self-care can be expensive but also affordable depending on what you’re going for. Even eating is a luxury to some moms. I don’t see that as a good thing. They are teaching their kids that doing this is normal and thats what’s required of mothers.

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Sacrificing yourself leads to a whole host of physical and mental ailments. That’s hurting the family unit ultimately.

Again, I totally agree! But what often happens is that women can be very forgiving for the sake of the family unit. A man will misbehave and then cry and say he’ll never do it but when you as a woman keep on taking him back, he’ll continue. Sometimes divorce is the only way to maintain your dignity.

Forgiveness is a good quality to have but putting up with bs is not! I do sympathize with those in marriages like this. Still I’m sure there were telltale signs before marriage of how selfish a man is. That is, if someone observes them for long enough. After the initial getting to know one another stage. That’s why it’s important to be honest and let the other person what you’ll not tolerate and to show what will cause you to walk away. If someone is tolerant of poor behavior from the onset, it’s going to keep occurring in the long-term. Not speaking about what’s bothering you breeds resentment.

That’s what most women and men hope for, but humans are complicated. Deception, laziness, inability to keep up with their side of the bargain, family involvement and the list goes on. The best we can do is to vet and make lots of duas.

I agree, humans are complicated. Most of these can be eliminated with getting to study the person before marriage or during wedding planning. We just ignore these in that time. But they don’t say getting married is like putting your hand in god mugdii ah for no reason. Living with someone and seeing them daily can reveal much more about them than thorough evaluation before marriage.

 

[Angelina]

You seem to know a lot about this. What are you basing this on? Men and women can both be manipulative tbh. It’s to varying degrees but certain women use manipulative tactics as well. I don’t purport to know how a man thinks so this is out of my scope.

I never once argued that women aren’t manipulative or can’t be just as manipulative. We’re talking about men and starter wives hence why I was focusing on male manipulation. However men and women simply aren’t the same, and I don’t believe men (on average) are ruled by feelings as much as women. A lot of men on average are a lot more realistic and will much more likely to settle and go into unions that might be functional than actual love. That complicates issues.

Tbh, I’d say I’m basing my opinion on seeing these dynamics in real life towards people I actually know, stuff I’ve read on psychology and in the age of the internet, some men are admitting it themselves ect but ultimately this is a mere opinion and I’m smart enough to understand that for every 5 men who are ruled by their egos, there are men who have been with their wives whilst they were dirt poor, but have chosen to stay and give that wife the world.

Neglecting needs at specific times is understandable because there’s more pressing matters to attend to. Laakin, making it habitual imo will lead to life quality degradation. Women (who get some small amount of money) in Somalia can beautify themselves with what they have in terms of lacag or resources so can we.

There is a clear difference between a middle and upper class wife and a lower middle and poor wife in Somalia with regards to appearance. So I don’t think that’s a good example. Also, upper and middle class women in Somalia do a whole let less than the average Western woman with a job and kids to run after. Maids are common back home and many families have two since maids can even be less than $50 per month.
Also, for the most part, Somalia is still a traditional society, hence women on average aren’t doing two jobs and Somalia community based hence even lower socioeconomic women will get a whole lot more help with child care compared to the average Western women who is expected to do it all if she doesn’t have a supportive husband. Even then, their beautification is limited to cheap toxic bleaching creams and being overweight there is common amongst women. Also, Somalia can be very difficult for very poor women who are often the ones working in the vegetable stools, those women don’t have any money for beautification or the time.

Self-care can be expensive but also affordable depending on what you’re going for. Even eating is a luxury to some moms. I don’t see that as a good thing. They are teaching their kids that doing this is normal and thats what’s required of mothers.

I’d say the biggest issue aside from money since gyms and salons in the West is very expensive now due to the economic recession is time. If you’re a working mum, working 9-5 and you do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning which is the norm and studies show it, what time do you really have? That’s my point. More and more women are burning out and that’s why we’ve seen a rise in women wanting to go back to trad roles, but the economy is an issue.

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Sacrificing yourself leads to a whole host of physical and mental ailments. That’s hurting the family unit ultimately.

I know, our people need to be better educated. But I’ve got a lot of married friends that are in professional jobs and with kids, I don’t know how they do it. Honestly, a typical day for them is wake you at 6am, make breakfast, get ready, get the kids ready, drive them to school, get to work, get home, make dinner, help them with homework, get them ready for bed by getting them shower, prepare their packed lunch for the next day. Doing this day and in out will age you and such women don’t have as much time for self-care. If you look at this average time-table it’s obvious that these women can’t put themselves first.

Forgiveness is a good quality to have but putting up with bs is not! I do sympathize with those in marriages like this. Still I’m sure there were telltale signs before marriage of how selfish a man is. That is, if someone observes them for long enough.

Yep, but how long is long enough? 6 months, a year, two years? Marriage is indeed a gamble. You don’t know a man truly unless you live with him. Although you’re right, some people do indeed miss the red flags.

After the initial getting to know one another stage. That’s why it’s important to be honest and let the other person what you’ll not tolerate and to show what will cause you to walk away.

True, but a man that wants you will act like he agrees with you. Best scenario is to observe him first and ask him scenario questions and get him to open up so you find out this authentic views.

If someone is tolerant of poor behavior from the onset, it’s going to keep occurring in the long-term. Not speaking about what’s bothering you breeds resentment.

It’s not about tolerating it’s about the unwillingness to walk away. Most women are indeed vocal to such an extent they become a nag. They over vocalize, but their partners know they’ll never leave. They’ll just cry about it, so why would these men bother changing?

I agree, humans are complicated. Most of these can be eliminated with getting to study the person before marriage or during wedding planning. We just ignore these in that time. But they don’t say getting married is like putting your hand in god mugdii ah for no reason. Living with someone and seeing them daily can reveal much more about them than thorough evaluation before marriage.

People do indeed ignore a lot. Infatuation can be blinding

 

[Kane]

Meher in the west is an insurance coverage, it’s a low value woman’s way, of limiting risk in case the marriage goes bust. So she doesn’t walk away empty handed.

It’s used by women who lack the skills to pick good men, so instead they place bets with an insurance coverage.

A gamblers dream if you ask me.

 

[Angelina]

Meher in the west is an insurance coverage, it’s a low value woman’s way, of limiting risk in case the marriage goes bust. So she doesn’t walk away empty handed.

It’s used by women who lack the skills to pick good men, so instead they place bets with an insurance coverage.

A gamblers dream if you ask me.

I don’t know if you’re Godless, a delusional individual of both. One cannot marry without a Mehr firstly, hence I don’t know what you’re getting at? Scrapping it all? What type of Muslim are you?

Secondly Mehr in the West for Somalis in the West is the lowest compared to any other demographic like the Asians and Arabs.

Secondly the Mehr amongst Somalis is around 2k to 5k which isn’t even a lot of money and the Mehr is an Islamic gift the man gives In the beginning of the marriage. How can it be as insurance when it’s that low? You can’t even rent an apartment for a year with that money.

Seriously Kane? You’re losing your edge here. You’re too old for you to be making these takes.

 

[Hodan from HR]

What’s unreasonable? Let’s say he makes 45k a year, what should his meher budget lookalike?

 

[GemState]

She'll not get 1 penny in mehr. We're nearly in 2024 and I'm a feminist.

In fact, we should be talking about how Somali women can truly free themselves of the patriarchy by providing a dowry like their liberated Indian sisters instead of receiving Mehr which maintains gender stereotypes unfit for today.

I will be giving a TedTalk on this.

 

[Kalsoon]

I never once argued that women aren’t manipulative or can’t be just as manipulative. We’re talking about men and starter wives hence why I was focusing on male manipulation. However men and women simply aren’t the same, and I don’t believe men (on average) are ruled by feelings as much as women. A lot of men on average are a lot more realistic and will much more likely to settle and go into unions that might be functional than actual love. That complicates issues.

I try to be fair for the most part so it's not you. It's me. All the manipulation from both sides has an impact on what the other gender does in turn. Hurt people hurt people was what I was getting at.

Tbh, I’d say I’m basing my opinion on seeing these dynamics in real life towards people I actually know, stuff I’ve read on psychology and in the age of the internet, some men are admitting it themselves ect but ultimately this is a mere opinion and I’m smart enough to understand that for every 5 men who are ruled by their egos, there are men who have been with their wives whilst they were dirt poor, but have chosen to stay and give that wife the world.

Yes, thanks for clarifying. It's good to know what influences someone's thinking.

There is a clear difference between a middle and upper class wife and a lower middle and poor wife in Somalia with regards to appearance. So I don’t think that’s a good example. Also, upper and middle class women in Somalia do a whole let less than the average Western woman with a job and kids to run after. Maids are common back home and many families have two since maids can even be less than $50 per month.
Also, for the most part, Somalia is still a traditional society, hence women on average aren’t doing two jobs and Somalia community based hence even lower socioeconomic women will get a whole lot more help with child care compared to the average Western women who is expected to do it all if she doesn’t have a supportive husband. Even then, their beautification is limited to cheap toxic bleaching creams and being overweight there is common amongst women. Also, Somalia can be very difficult for very poor women who are often the ones working in the vegetable stools, those women don’t have any money for beautification or the time.

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I’d say the biggest issue aside from money since gyms and salons in the West is very expensive now due to the economic recession is time. If you’re a working mum, working 9-5 and you do the bulk of the cooking and cleaning which is the norm and studies show it, what time do you really have? That’s my point. More and more women are burning out and that’s why we’ve seen a rise in women wanting to go back to trad roles, but the economy is an issue.

I know, our people need to be better educated. But I’ve got a lot of married friends that are in professional jobs and with kids, I don’t know how they do it. Honestly, a typical day for them is wake you at 6am, make breakfast, get ready, get the kids ready, drive them to school, get to work, get home, make dinner, help them with homework, get them ready for bed by getting them shower, prepare their packed lunch for the next day. Doing this day and in out will age you and such women don’t have as much time for self-care. If you look at this average time-table it’s obvious that these women can’t put themselves first.

I haven't done all that yet but main key is to nourish the body with good food, get as much rest as one can get with small kids and move the body daily. Other things are extra and can be done whenever the opportunity arises. I can't imagine working and taking care of kids alone. Something has got to give or otherwise it will lead to burnout like you said.

Yep, but how long is long enough? 6 months, a year, two years? Marriage is indeed a gamble. You don’t know a man truly unless you live with him. Although you’re right, some people do indeed miss the red flags.

Our timeline's are vastly different. I believe it should be at the point where all doubts are removed and you feel xasillooni with that potential spouse.

It’s not about tolerating it’s about the unwillingness to walk away. Most women are indeed vocal to such an extent they become a nag. They over vocalize, but their partners know they’ll never leave. They’ll just cry about it, so why would these men bother changing?

People do indeed ignore a lot. Infatuation can be blinding

Sorry, couldn't respond as I was traveling. Maa shaa Allah you definitely know what you're talking about. You articulated your points well and now I understand your stance better.

 

[XawoTako]

Is your whole shtick just trying to emasculate every man?

because it’s embarrassing and no-one is taking the bait.

Go stay single and unmarried you don’t need to burden any miskeen Somali man.

Alhamdillah I’m in a field where the pay is good.

“ you don’t need to burden miskeen somali man”