Why do a lot of Somali girls marry men that are not on their level?

[Wervelwind]

Wallahi you're setting women up for failure if you're letting them believe that they can marry the man of their dream when they're 30. I'm not saying it's impossible but that man, if he's very desirable, will most likely look the other way unless the sister is very beautiful and nice to be around. If he's a high earner he probably wants you to stay home and give him children. Picking a 20 year old girl is then far better

It's different for men because youth and beauty aren't that important compared to for women. If he's a hard worker he will be an experienced and established niin who is high commodity

 

[Yaraye]

Top earner (1%) + good in other aspects (another 1%) is already 0.01% of men. Add must be Somali (a minority group that’s underrepresented in high earners) and it’s basically over.

The entire discussion was on if a woman should marry a man that makes more or less. The woman in the scenerio is an RN which is about a middle class to an upper middle class lifestyle. I'm talking about about her counterparts, men who make decent money like upper middle class men where the hell did top 1% even come from?! Plus we know that there aren't an 1% top earner somali men in the west, tho I do wish otherwise

 

[Angelina]

Both are the same coverting wealth is about being attached to the dunya for both men and women.



Agreed but now unlike the past women can raise there own soical level which is what this post is about so it's kind of different especially if for example most don't come from that lifestyle but believe in there potential to live it due to opportunities/access if they aren't were they want to be yet.

Yep, but the saltiness is sad to see. Why shouldn’t a woman raise her own social levels considering the fact that as Somalis we tend to live in low socioeconomic areas with many of our boys joining gangs. Should a woman stay in the same position and hope one of the boys that ends up doing better goes for her?

The reality is that despite men not caring about a woman’s education and careers, men being human are essentially lazy. That is the crux of the issue is that most men actually marry within their social class and tend to marry educated women. Why? Because of proximity.

A beautiful, feminine girl that still resides in the ghetto or any low socioeconomic area isn’t going to find it easier to find a wealthy man than a 28 yr old woman who is upper middle class whether born into
It or self made, that is rubbing shoulders with men of her class. It is a fact.

Regardless there isn't anything wrong with being high maintenance or low maintenance and general that's what women have always done on average, going for guys equal to them or above them. The only difference now is that that women can raise it on there own.

Not only that, but recently I was reading this study about how women actually find it easier raising their status than men. It said that women for the last few decades since being given opportunities, have been able to raise out of poverty at a higher rate than men. That is what is causing the mismatch. But instead of men being honest with themselves, especially men from low socioeconomic backgrounds like us Somalis, they’d much rather lash out and talk about how these women are masculine and how men don’t care about XYZ. Fair enough, but all we ask is that they care more about their own education so that we can bridge the gap.

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People like empressjamila (it literally in the name) and Yaraye want to live that highlife and there are many men and women that do so these kind of discussions will never die. Its either they will find the perfect man some day or settle in some way.

 

[Waa dhamatay]

The entire discussion was on if a woman should marry a man that makes more or less. The woman in the scenerio is an RN which is about a middle class to an upper middle class lifestyle. I'm talking about about her counterparts, men who make decent money like upper middle class men where the hell did top 1% even come from?! Plus we know that there aren't an 1% top earner somali men in the west, tho I do wish otherwise

You’re right tbh it’s more like top 10% earner. Other factors/areas still mean it’s over realistically. Unless you plan on marrying any farax with money?

 

[Yaraye]

You’re right tbh it’s more like top 10% earner. Other factors/areas still mean it’s over realistically. Unless you plan on marrying any farax with money?

there is nothing unrealistic about marrying one's counterparts

 

[AbdiFreedom]

Depends on what trade. Plumbers and that ilk yes, stacking warehouses not to much.

People should, but Somali girls on average are marrying at 26-28. That is most of the weddings I attended. In fact that demographic are out marrying the 22-23 yrs olds now. I’m not saying it’s a good thing, but there goes the myth that men aren’t marrying

No, marriage isn’t just about financial struggle. Women already have their separate struggle which is child birth, raising kids and all that usually mostly fall on the mother. What other struggles do men go through? So now women have to battle their own issues along with mens? Even in a world in which men seem to think that household duties are all for women whilst simultaneously wanting a woman to help them with work and money? How is that



@AbdiFreedom

Where did you get the idea that successful Somali men don’t marry girls that are similar age to them?

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Most average/below average Somali girls are actually married and settle down. It’s the beautiful ones who are educated that tend to not want to settle down with any Tom and Harry.

Also, multiple studies show that men struggle with singleness and childlessness by every metric, so worry about your fellow men please!

No wonder the Somali divorce rate is so high. Yes, marriage is about struggling together if financial struggle happens in life. It's also about enjoying life together when life is full of enjoyment. That's what marriage is all about. Life is not perfect. Life can become a struggle at certain points in time. You can make $100K and then lose your job and have to get back up.

Those are rare examples. There are so few of those men around. They don't settle for average women. They are not in high abundance to become the husband of every available average woman. There is a low supply of Somali doctors. There is a low supply professional career Somali men in general forget about doctors. Somali women doctors are even more rare than Somali male doctors. I am talking about average and below average women.

Most Somali western raised women 28-39 are not married not by their choice. I can confidently say this. I have been bombarded by people, both fathers and women, to find spouses for them. The situation is extremely bad and average and below average picky women are being lied to. Take this as a 30 year old seeing the reality of the situation today. I can't imagine how bad it will be for Gen Z.

Another thing: men will marry a minimum wage woman if she is going to give him peace at home. Peace and kindness is number #1 for men, especially these high value men. These women are high value women in their eyes. They will pick these women over some higher income one that isn't lovey dovey. Your education and job means nothing if you don't give peace to a good man.

 

[TekNiKo]

Early and mid 20s average or below average women have no idea how bad things get as you get older. No idea wallahi. Only few higher level women (looks and personality) will have options as they get older or some average women will luck out. Reality will hit alot of Somali women like a ton of bricks. No man will care about your career or money you have. Your income will just supplement any additional costs if necessary. For every Somali wedding of a late 20s or 30s woman, there's 20 others who will not get one. It's also funny that the guys they married are a downgrade to what they could have gotten younger. Feminism and hypergamy is delusion.

You spoke facts, its better a high earning woman settle with a warehouse Faarax than remain single until 35 only to find out that same warehouse Faarax is even not interested in such a woman

 

[Odious Delirium]

Yep, but the saltiness is sad to see. Why shouldn’t a woman raise her own social levels considering the fact that as Somalis we tend to live in low socioeconomic areas with many of our boys joining gangs. Should a woman stay in the same position and hope one of the boys that ends up doing better goes for her?

No it up to every individual to decide what they want to do with there situation in life.
Me personally I think people should be prioritzing deen first but not everyone is on deen like that and and wants what's good for them both men and women. Guys tend to prioritize the looks of a woman and women tend to prioritize the soical economic standing of a man. Both should keep deen as the number one priority.

The reality is that despite men not caring about a woman’s education and careers, men being human are essentially lazy. That is the crux of the issue is that most men actually marry within their social class and tend to marry educated women. Why? Because of proximity.

A beautiful, feminine girl that still resides in the ghetto or any low socioeconomic area isn’t going to find it easier than a 28 yr old woman that is rubbing shoulders with men of her class. It is a fact.

Not only that, but recently I was reading this study about how women actually find it easier raising their status than men. It said that women for the last few decades since being given opportunities, have been able to raise out of poverty at a higher rate than men. That is what is causing the mismatch. But instead of men being honest with themselves, especially men from low socioeconomic backgrounds like us, they’d much rather lash out and talk about how these women are masculine and how men don’t care about XYZ. Fair enough, but all we ask is that they care more about their own education so that we can bridge the gap.

The issue is that men and women don't function the same. Most women have been uplifted through education and according to studies. The classroom setting is more suited to a woman then to man which is why women preform better in school so I wouldnt say men are lazy rather education and the way it's taught is more so for women then men.
As for why men are in the streets and join gangs it's imo because of a lack of a fraternity and a great goal in life. Back in the days most men would join the army it was good money and they were part of something bigger. It was basically a big gang but they gained mentors and discipline and came back if they survived as upstanding citizens. Now things are a lot different but those same people are still about goalless and when you get goalless people they tend to join things like gangs as an alternative. Plus most are groomed into joining.

As for bridging the gap it's a two way street women are not going to be less than if they settle. Plus in the current environment your going to struggle regardless

 

[scarecrow]

A Somali girl I know from work is getting married soon, she’s a beautiful, educated RN with a 4 year degree and her soon to be husband is a warehouse worker with no university education. Obv I congratulated her but internally I was like wtf. And I see this so often with Somali girls unfortunately.

Personally I believe as a woman it is in your best interest to marry a man either someone on your level or above. Marrying a man who doesn’t make as much as you do when you are educated and have a well paying job isn’t gonna do you any favours. You will automatically become the main breadwinner or have to split the bills 50/50. The husband can’t be the provider for you and your family as he is Islamically supposed to because he literally doesn’t have the means to. You will have no choice but to take on that role. When you have children this will be amplified. You cant stay at home with your babies for as long as you would like bc you gotta go back to work asap to put food on the table. Meanwhile you’re still doing majority of the domestic chores at home as that is the cultural expectation. While busting your ass at work. What kind of life is this?

I know it’s slim pickings out there and a lot of women will marry any guy they can find that treats them decent but a man’s income and occupation matters..don’t settle for a man below your level.

Warehouse worker today tomorrow an entrepreneur! Behind every great man is a great woman who built him. Be a woman that’s sees the potential and not a picky ignorant person who will ultimately end up a alone.

 

[Odious Delirium]

there is nothing unrealistic about marrying one's counterparts

Depends on what your counterpart is and if there are many of them and are they sought after more then yourself or less.

 

[Wervelwind]

The issue is that men and women don't function the same. Most women have been uplifted through education and according to studies. The classroom setting is more suited to a woman then to man which is why women preform better in school so I wouldnt say men are lazy rather education and the way it's taught is more so for women then men.

Can you elaborate why the classroom setting suits women more saxiib

 

[AbdiFreedom]

You spoke facts, its better a high earning woman settle with a warehouse Faarax than remain single until 35 only to find out that same warehouse Faarax is even not interested in such a woman

There is so much delusion going on. I know so many professional Somali guys who stay single, have married ajnabi or married younger. Yes many marry within the community but they are not going for average or below average Somali woman. They will marry a Somali Queen whose smile and kindness warms his heart. There's 1 of them for every 10 Somali girls on their level. I know one 30 year old one whose done well for himself who rejects women based on their voice if it's calm or one with an attitude. The guaranteed way to bag a Somali guy who will become successful in the future as an average or below average woman is to get him during school.

 

[Yaraye]

Can you elaborate why the classroom setting suits women more saxiib

Yeah, studies have shown that the education system hasn't changed for many decades, even before women had rights

 

[Abdisamad]

It's Ramadan, make a dua for your friend and wish her a happy marriage.. Materials and money is not everything, there are many more other important factors.. Maybe he's a warehouse worker but a good guy who make her feel like a real woman..

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[Yaraye]

It's Ramadan, make a dua for your friend and wish her a happy marriage.. Materials and money is not everything, there are many more other important factors.. Maybe he's a warehouse worker but a good guy who make her like a real woman..

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You gotta let us know when you get married, ok?

 

[Hilmaam]

A working educated women probably places less emphasis on mans earnings vs someone who wants to be stay at home mom with limited job options.

Educated well paid man that’s bald and out of shape will loose out to broke but fit and handsome guy. He will be improvement project for educated girl withh money . Probably why educated semi ugly guys look back home

 

[Abdisamad]

You gotta let us know when you get married, ok?

Lool.. I enjoy having no attachments

 

[Yaraye]

There is so much delusion going on. I know so many professional Somali guys who stay single, have married ajnabi or married younger. Yes many marry within the community but they are not going for average or below average Somali woman. They will marry a Somali Queen whose smile and kindness warms his heart. There's 1 of them for every 10 Somali girls on their level. I know one 30 year old one whose done well for himself who rejects women based on their voice if it's calm or one with an attitude. The guaranteed way to bag a Somali guy who will become successful in the future as an average or below average woman is to get him during school.

Can I ask, where do you live and see these things? Your stories on this thread sound like a TV drama

 

[Angelina]

No it up to every individual to decide what they want to do with there situation in life.
Me personally I think people should be prioritzing deen first but not everyone is on deen like that and and wants what's good for them both men and women. Guys tend to prioritize the looks of a woman and women tend to prioritize the soical economic standing of a man. Both should keep deen as the number one priority.



The issue is that men and women don't function the same. Most women have been uplifted through education and according to studies. The classroom setting is more suited to a woman then to man which is why women preform better in school so I wouldnt say men are lazy rather education and the way it's taught is more so for women then men.

Saxib, I don’t believe that B.S for numerous reasons.

1. classroom settings is in fact a setting that comes from a bygone era in which men dominated education and was in fact designed with boys in mind. The setting only seems to be an issue when now in the last 20 yrs or so, women have been outperforming boys. Where was this concern in the last 150 yrs or so? Even before schooling and university was opened up to girls, boys were educated this way.

2. Another reason that is often sited which I agree with is due to lack of men in the teaching industry and boys not having role models or having their own space. Please explain why even in the Middle East in which education is segregate and boys are in male only environments are lagging behind their female counterparts?

Instead of just blaming the education system we need to scrutinize the way we raise boys. You can’t now have an issue with a system that was invented solely for men now that women have joined.

As for why men are in the streets and join gangs it's imo because of a lack of a fraternity and a great goal in life. Back in the days most men would join the army it was good money and they were part of something bigger. It was basically a big gang but they gained mentors and discipline and came back if they survived as upstanding citizens. Now things are a lot different but those same people are still about goalless and when you get goalless people they tend to join things like gangs as an alternative. Plus most are groomed into joining.

As for bridging the gap it's a two way street women are not going to be less than if they settle. Plus in the current environment your going to struggle regardless

With women, it does actually cause a lot of issues unfortunately backed by actual studies and anecdotes although many women do end up with wonderful marriages.

1. gender roles haven’t changed, despite many men expecting women to help. What happens is that a woman might help for the sake of her husband and giving the kids a better childhood and the man will not necessarily help her as well. Hence a woman ends up feeling overworked and resentful.

2. gender based violence increases when women are making more as some men tend to internalize that and will believe that the only way they can take back their masculinity is now through brute force. This shouldn’t even be surprising when we see how many men on the internet verbally act when it comes to women being successful. Words such as useless, masculine and an array of words are thrown around.

That is two such issues. However, like I said there are many men who do end up with men who making less than them that end up with having long lasting and happy marriages, but that will only work if their is a shift in mentality with both parties. Also, such a man needs to be confident and the type that believes in himself.

 

[Odious Delirium]

Can you elaborate why the classroom setting suits women more saxiib

For example there are studies on men women as opposed to men being more open to instruction and authority then men and men being less focused in comparison to women in these settings and less interest which is why men drop out of education more. Men prefer dealing with practical stuff while women prefer dealing with the theory. You can search it up and you'll find studies on it bit it's the reason why we have a huge shift between men and women in education. Plus most men are on either opposite ends of intelligence either the very smartest or the most dumb while women are scattered mainly in the middle. So all the dumb guys aren't going to be suited for education and will get into skilled trades or unskilled labour which are both needed for our economies to work but now that women can raise themselves through education they only want to be with the few men who are soically and economics on there new level when most men have never been like that. So now there is a huge disconnect because women think men are being lazy like @Angelina pointed out when most men throughout history have been manual labours or soldiers but since women have been reliant on men in the past they stayed on the soical economic level of most of the men since that is what there father's were but now women can move up on there own though education which is better suited to them on average.