Why am I expected to respect my absent father?

[NordicSomali]

I don't know why the guys here are getting defensive. Hint, hint @The alchemist

The fact that we have too many Somali girls with blantant daddy issues shows there is a real issue in our community. Tbh, so do many of the guys, but it just manifests itself in a different way.

I hope the younger generations become much better fathers and I hope young women be extra cautious when it comes to the men they marry, even though many things are qadr and you have no way in predicting how a young childless man will behave in the future. But one thing i've noticed and you even pointed out is that the more in love a man is with you, the more he is much more likely to stick around unfortunately. The fact that your father married your mother simply due to loneliness says it all!

Exactly, and its a problem that many guys don't believe in love and simply marry because of religiosity, education or qabil. Its a problem caused by many guys jumping into marriage too early. The gaalo spend years looking for the right person.

 

[Calmone20]

Sending you hugs sis. I have a deadbeat dad too.

 

[KillStreakIsCool]

This is sad and never understood men like this. Seen Somali men like this. Hell I know one and his closest friend is always with his kids. I always think when he see his friends with his kids, does he never think of his own.

My dad was around and not. He was there physically and brought money to the house. But like most Somalis outside of saying don’t do that and do this, there was never much human connection. Only when we got grown he realised his errand try to have relationship and he needs money. I still don’t hold any grudge cause I’m sure that’s how he had it with his dad and didn’t know better

You will relate to your dad when you have kids of your own and you start to worry about the expenses of raising them comfortably. I assume your dad wasn't as educated as you when he got married and came to the US as an adult, or at an age where he had to learn English. He must have had tough start to take care of your mom and then you financially. His anxiety and time spent on worrying about the finances alone should earn him your love despite his lack of human to human connection. No one is perfect but a man who is there day and night for kids he fathered is a reliable guy. You should give him as much money as you can without depleting your account because he is the one responsible for your education. He gave you I assume the stable foundation to go through schools.

One thing also that affects how a somali man interacts with his children is his background. If he was born in a city like Muqdishu or Kismayo and spent good amount of years there growing up, he most likely becomes a social father who interacts with Kids better. Soccer games, taking kids to trips for fun, even gaming with them comes natural. Acrabi/Nomadic guy though whose city life started in America will be stern and detached. Where someone grew up also matters for this reason.

 

[Rocktheboat]

Marry an ajnabi and break the cycle

 

[ladySomal206]

Seeing discussions by men about how they’re not apart of their child’s lives because of the mother pisses me off because 99% of the time that man is using that as an excuse. Look at Indian, Arab families even though they have extreme problems within the family even when the fathers are abusive but still provide for their children and are in their lives.

Madow men and (older!) somali men have in common is that They can have kids and just leave them on the spot. My father never helped me or supported me as a child and ditched my mom at a hospital after she gave birth, my mom has never asked him for anything in my life and is just happy when he calls or asks about me.

This man is legit the worst and here’s some things he’s done

-calls my mom to ‘check up on me’ and then gossips back home about me like he is present father

- never paid for anything in my entire life and only started to give $100 a month after my sister was tired of footing the bill

- told me the only reason he got with my mom who had children at the time was because he was lonely and didn’t want to commit zinah (he told me this at 10)

- we have lived in the same city for 11 years but I’ve only ever seen him maybe 30 times in my entire life, my aunt uncle and 4th cousins on his side talk about seeing him once a week lol

so all in all I have a stranger I’m supposed to call my father and respect him but respect who? What? What is there to respect? Who even if he dies I wouldn’t cry? I have no faith in a relationship with a Somali man or hell any man in that case.


I write this post as a message for the Somali men on this app, please for the love of god please don’t be like that loser. Treating your kids like shit is one thing but absence causes a numbness that won’t ever go away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. . .

This is quite a problem in our community and I have seen many of my family members experience childhood with a father. It can sometimes lead to insecurity, depression, isolation, or even promiscuity and searching for love in the wrong places.

Allowing yourself to feel your feelings, accepting them, and healing with the support of Allah and therapy if needed is essential.

I don’t think there is an issue with telling your fathers how he hurt you in a civil and respectful way, not to change things, but to get it off your chest and for him to know how it made your feel.

I am sorry you experienced this and I hope you understand that this behavior is your fathers fault and has nothing to do with you. I read somewhere that some people are gallon people while others are half gallon or pint people etc.

While there are those who love and care for others with all their whole self but others, who maybe due to trauma, or just because, are unable to be gallon full people, are unable to show love, selflessness, and empathy to even to those closest to them.

If we continue expecting half gallon people to put out love at a gallon level we are failing ourselves.

Your father and the many parents who abandon or neglect their offspring will have to answer to Allah mighty. I hope you are able to find someone who has a fear of Allah and understands the obligations of Islam regarding their children and spouse.

Big hugs to all those facing different calamities in this test of a life.

 

[Mr.Humphrey]

I am really sorry you had to go through this, I had a dead beat father and an abusive mother who took out her resentment of him on me so I feel your pain.

I understand how much it hurts but it gets a lot better. Don't listen to people around you who tell you to chase him or forgive him, the universe will give you someone in your life who will help you heal. Not to sound like a hippie but use your pain to ask for what you want and you will get it if you truly believe.

I found my way through spirituality and am working on healing my trauma. I tried to listen to those in the community that pressured me to deal with it but I only found peace and solace after running away from my family and starting my own journey to break the generational curse. Most of the people on this site are clouded by their ego and this will prevent them from giving you helpful advise. I know you will heal soon but don't let the negativity on here get to you.

 

[Canjeero-Iyo-Shaax]

Shit happens get over it, you’ve been dealt a bad hand in life with a shitty father.

I swear every time I hear this shit it seems like people just feel sorry for themselves and want to stay in that awww my life is bad mindset, look at me waaa.



Are you going to let your present dictate your Future?

The past is the past, you can only look to the future. InshAllah if you are looking to get married and have kids. You find yourself a pious brother who will stick by you and kids you have together through thick and thin.

 

[Mr.Humphrey]

Lol my point about negativity proven. So many Somalis are narcissists that lack empathy, no wonder Somalia is the way it is.

 

[Wakai]

Atleast you had an active mother, father aren't that important in raising children.

 

[Bundasliga]

No one said it’s the whole community. But from my experience it has the biggest % of any Muslim community. We have big problems with absent fathers

The highest in the Muslim community
The lowest in the black community

 

[Aboow]

Atleast you had an active mother, father aren't that important in raising children.

Both parents are equally important.

 

[Lostbox]

Seeing discussions by men about how they’re not apart of their child’s lives because of the mother pisses me off because 99% of the time that man is using that as an excuse. Look at Indian, Arab families even though they have extreme problems within the family even when the fathers are abusive but still provide for their children and are in their lives.

Madow men and (older!) somali men have in common is that They can have kids and just leave them on the spot. My father never helped me or supported me as a child and ditched my mom at a hospital after she gave birth, my mom has never asked him for anything in my life and is just happy when he calls or asks about me.

This man is legit the worst and here’s some things he’s done

-calls my mom to ‘check up on me’ and then gossips back home about me like he is present father

- never paid for anything in my entire life and only started to give $100 a month after my sister was tired of footing the bill

- told me the only reason he got with my mom who had children at the time was because he was lonely and didn’t want to commit zinah (he told me this at 10)

- we have lived in the same city for 11 years but I’ve only ever seen him maybe 30 times in my entire life, my aunt uncle and 4th cousins on his side talk about seeing him once a week lol

so all in all I have a stranger I’m supposed to call my father and respect him but respect who? What? What is there to respect? Who even if he dies I wouldn’t cry? I have no faith in a relationship with a Somali man or hell any man in that case.


I write this post as a message for the Somali men on this app, please for the love of god please don’t be like that loser. Treating your kids like shit is one thing but absence causes a numbness that won’t ever go away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. . .

If true this is truly unfortunate and expected. I don't understand men like your dad and the requirements to be classed as a dad in are community is literally existing. There is no expectation, no provision and worst of all no support

All we can hope is the future generation do not carry on like their deadbeat dads

 

[Zoobear]

I don't think you owe him "respect" due to his past actions but I would still be courteous with him. Maybe he's suffering from mental illness? The war traumatized a lot of people.

 

[Jaydaan]

The highest in the Muslim community
The lowest in the black community

Not true. The only blacks we beat are AA and Caribbeans. Rest of Africans beat us in this area.

 

[sagegreen]

told me the only reason he got with my mom who had children at the time was because he was lonely and didn’t want to commit zinah (he told me this at 10)

Wthhhhhh what kind of person says that to his own daughter.

 

[Shimbiris]

Both parents are equally important.

I plan to only speak to my children at the end of every year where they will give me a military style annual report on their goings on and refer to me customarily as "Excellency".

"Haye, maxaa heysa?"

 

[Bundasliga]

Not true. The only blacks we beat are AA and Caribbeans. Rest of Africans beat us in this area.

You got numbers/stats ?

 

[Unbothered]

A man who abandoned his child does not deserve respect

 

[__08]

Seeing discussions by men about how they’re not apart of their child’s lives because of the mother pisses me off because 99% of the time that man is using that as an excuse. Look at Indian, Arab families even though they have extreme problems within the family even when the fathers are abusive but still provide for their children and are in their lives.

Madow men and (older!) somali men have in common is that They can have kids and just leave them on the spot. My father never helped me or supported me as a child and ditched my mom at a hospital after she gave birth, my mom has never asked him for anything in my life and is just happy when he calls or asks about me.

This man is legit the worst and here’s some things he’s done

-calls my mom to ‘check up on me’ and then gossips back home about me like he is present father

- never paid for anything in my entire life and only started to give $100 a month after my sister was tired of footing the bill

- told me the only reason he got with my mom who had children at the time was because he was lonely and didn’t want to commit zinah (he told me this at 10)

- we have lived in the same city for 11 years but I’ve only ever seen him maybe 30 times in my entire life, my aunt uncle and 4th cousins on his side talk about seeing him once a week lol

so all in all I have a stranger I’m supposed to call my father and respect him but respect who? What? What is there to respect? Who even if he dies I wouldn’t cry? I have no faith in a relationship with a Somali man or hell any man in that case.


I write this post as a message for the Somali men on this app, please for the love of god please don’t be like that loser. Treating your kids like shit is one thing but absence causes a numbness that won’t ever go away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. . .

Sorry you experienced that. I feel you I haven’t spoken to to my dad in years (5 years). I legit hang up lol. He caused my family so much pain.

 

[__08]

LMAO

Cap.

The denial is real sis or they have decent parents.