Why am I expected to respect my absent father?

[Sophisticate]

You cannot blame yourself for your father's unacceptable conduct.

I just think its worth mentioning that good Somali fathers exist. In a traditional sense absentism is unheard of in mainstream Somali culture. To fruitfully create children and not provide for them was not normal. We also forget that our culture was more collectivist and the nuclear family was not normal. You were raised by a community back in the day not in atomized households with a mother and father (only) responsible for child rearing. Anyway, urbanization and relocation changed family dynamics. Some Somali fathers are non-interventionist and quiet with little involvement emotionally with their children. They may materially provide but not much else. While on the extreme end you have those that are not around and forget they have children or worse mistreat them. You also have exemplary examples of fathers. I do not like mentioning this but my father is one of those. He's intelligent, handsome, worldly, supportive, monogamous, highly educated and even cooks and cleans for us, Alx. I am my fathers daughter. Just as hard headed and entitled too.

@Aboow that is my example of a Samaroon father. Bear in mind he's from Ethiopia not Djbouti. I feel the need to mention that to you because your narrative was just as saddening as the OP. And you have said some unsettling things before. And you're from beesha so the least I should do is provide some contrast. So you do not stigmatize (1) All Somali men and (2) and those from the tol (who are heterogeneous with respect to their skill at fathering not to be confused with halaal sperm donation).

 

[Aboow]

You cannot blame yourself for your father's unacceptable conduct.

I just think its worth mentioning that good Somali fathers exist. In a traditional sense absentism is unheard of in mainstream Somali culture. To fruitfully create children and not provide for them was not normal. We also forget that our culture was more collectivist and the nuclear family was not normal. You were raised by a community back in the day not in atomized households with a mother and father (only) responsible for child rearing. Anyway, urbanization and relocation changed family dynamics. Some Somali fathers are non-interventionist and quiet with little involvement emotionally with their children. They may materially provide but not much else. While on the extreme end you have those that are not around and forget they have children or worse mistreat them. You also have exemplary examples of fathers. I do not like mentioning this but my father is one of those. He's intelligent, handsome, worldly, supportive, monogamous, highly educated and even cooks and cleans for us, Alx. I am my fathers daughter. Just as hard headed and entitled too.

@Aboow that is my example of a Samaroon father. Bear in mind he's from Ethiopia not Djbouti. I feel the need to mention that to you because your narrative was just as saddening as the OP. And you have said some unsettling things before. And you're from beesha so the least I should do is provide some contrast. So you do not stigmatize (1) All Somali men and (2) and those from the tol (who are heterogeneous with respect to their skill at fathering not to be confused with halaal sperm donation).

Thank you hunno

I’m working on it. It’s hard but am working on my perception InshAllah khair

 

[Shimbiris]

@Aboow

I'm trolling. I intend to be a very loving and present father. I'd die before abandoning my kids or not putting in the work to raise them.

 

[Nak-Muay-Kru]

Reminds me of some family friend who literally stayed home and watched an Arsenal match while his wife was giving birth. Poor woman did everything in their household, exhausted herself to the point kidney failure. 36yr old+ faraxs got away with absolute murder wallahi

Pay for some therapy ASAP, parental neglect and being made to feel like they were unwanted fucks people up badly. Nip it in the bud now or it's going to haunt all of your future relationships.

 

[Unbothered]

Some of the men here are insensitive and emotionally retarded. If you don’t have decent things to say then please be quite.

 

[Izzy77]

Wallahi it something u got to live with. This life is full of tests and tribulation its how u move on and become a better person. U cant feel entitled to ur dad presence when some will never see their parents or are in worse situations. Allah test those people whom He loves most.

Say allahumdulilah u dont need to love or cherish him but atleast respecting him will cause less trouble, and dont try to make a big deal of it

I remember couple years ago when of my dads friend kids starting talking to me how my father would buy them mcdonalds and gifts and how much they liked my father and legit told me they saw him a lot. I think I was 15 but it was something i let go cause getting angry, upset over wouldn't have changed anything. The thing that helped was thinking why would i want to be around a man who doesn't want me so i somewhat stop caring about him.

May allah give you the patience to overcome this hurdle

 

[Amina99]

This is sad and never understood men like this. Seen Somali men like this. Hell I know one and his closest friend is always with his kids. I always think when he see his friends with his kids, does he never think of his own.

My dad was around and not. He was there physically and brought money to the house. But like most Somalis outside of saying don’t do that and do this, there was never much human connection. Only when we got grown he realised his errand try to have relationship and he needs money. I still don’t hold any grudge cause I’m sure that’s how he had it with his dad and didn’t know better

Physically present but emotionally absent.
And same here when you and your siblings got good jobs, and making some type of money is when they come asking all the time ( if that’s what you meant by that ).

Or even more annoying is when they brag about how he raised successful educated children to everyone who’ll listen, with people not knowing he was very much rarely there to truly help with the children and it was mostly the mom.

Me and you are the same age I think ? So I can really relate to how I don’t hold grudges and he probably didn’t know better.

 

[Amina99]

Reminds me of some family friend who literally stayed home and watched an Arsenal match while his wife was giving birth. Poor woman did everything in their household, exhausted herself to the point kidney failure. 36yr old+ faraxs got away with absolute murder wallahi

Pay for some therapy ASAP, parental neglect and being made to feel like they were unwanted fucks people up badly. Nip it in the bud now or it's going to haunt all of your future relationships.

A good friend of mine from around 2019 had this husband who’s that age range, late 30s or over, and made her cook, clean, and everything else … with a broken foot.

Like I was the one telling her to get it checked out, as her husband insisted she was fine, but like and behold, after the x rays, the doctors telling her she needs to take it easy and what not.

But when I would come over to help her with the kids, there she was … cooking and limping.

When he wasn’t around, I would bring my son and help her with her 3-4 other kids, and do household things for her, since her foot was broken.

Her one son spilled something and I got a mop to clean it, and her husband came in at that moment, berating her about why I as the guest was cleaning.

I’m like her foot ? And he was all ,” So? My mother would have a broken arm and still be cooking for all of us, what’s my wife excuse?”

 

[senor chang]

A good friend of mine from around 2019 had this husband who’s that age range, late 30s or over, and made her cook, clean, and everything else … with a broken foot.

Like I was the one telling her to get it checked out, as her husband insisted she was fine, but like and behold, after the x rays, the doctors telling her she needs to take it easy and what not.

But when I would come over to help her with the kids, there she was … cooking and limping.

When he wasn’t around, I would bring my son and help her with her 3-4 other kids, and do household things for her, since her foot was broken.

Her one son spilled something and I got a mop to clean it, and her husband came in at that moment, berating her about why I as the guest was cleaning.

I’m like her foot ? And he was all ,” So? My mother would have a broken arm and still be cooking for all of us, what’s my wife excuse?”

Disgusting he doesn’t sound Somali he sounds Arab they usually treat they wives like shit

 

[senor chang]

Reminds me of some family friend who literally stayed home and watched an Arsenal match while his wife was giving birth. Poor woman did everything in their household, exhausted herself to the point kidney failure. 36yr old+ faraxs got away with absolute murder wallahi

Pay for some therapy ASAP, parental neglect and being made to feel like they were unwanted fucks people up badly. Nip it in the bud now or it's going to haunt all of your future relationships.

Men who are like this are disgusting trash

 

[Amina99]

Disgusting he doesn’t sound Somali he sounds Arab they usually treat they wives like shit

I wish I was joking. He did grow up in Kenya most of his life, so I don’t know if that plays a part.
He is good to his kids tho, but to her, not so much.

 

[Jaydaan]

Physically present but emotionally absent.
And same here when you and your siblings got good jobs, and making some type of money is when they come asking all the time ( if that’s what you meant by that ).

Or even more annoying is when they brag about how he raised successful educated children to everyone who’ll listen, with people not knowing he was very much rarely there to truly help with the children and it was mostly the mom.

Me and you are the same age I think ? So I can really relate to how I don’t hold grudges and he probably didn’t know better.

Yeah I just accepted him as he is and in the end many had it worse. He is not a bad guy at all and just didn’t know better. I even give him money every month. All I can do is learn from his mistakes. It’s also something me and him will never talk about

 

[senor chang]

I wish I was joking. He did grow up in Kenya most of his life, so I don’t know if that plays a part.
He is good to his kids tho, but to her, not so much

She’s the one who birthed his kids he should respect and treat her like a Queen

 

[Abdisamad]

I also have daddy issues and went through shit that could’ve been avoided. Now I have trauma that I need to work through. Me and my family are all separated due to his weakness. My older brother got into drugs and got arrested. My mother got scared for my other siblings and ran to Djibouti. My mother told me to live with my « family » turned out they were evil. I had to move out. Wallahi trauma after trauma due to that dusty ass men. Wallahi on the day of judgement I will complain and I honestly hope he gets his karma in the dunya.

I once called my father when I really needed money. My mother told me to call him and I explained to him why I needed it and guess what this nigga tells me?!? He said « MAY! MAY! Naya ( couldn’t believe he called me naya; i honestly felt my heart break) lacag ma haysto!!!! » than hung up on me! Maaaan that shit hurt like a !

My father is very rich in Djibouti and has many businesses and couldn’t even help me when I only needed 600$. f*ck that nigga.

Sorry for the trauma dump am in my feels…..

I'm sorry to hear about this.. I know Somali fathers who wouldn't even eat before their kids stomach is full.. Being a bad parent is not about your ethnicity.. Bad fathers can be found in every human race or ethnic group.

 

[Angelina]

Disgusting he doesn’t sound Somali he sounds Arab they usually treat they wives like shit

Lool he doesn't. Every group of people have certain good and bad traits. Arab men usually get maids for their wives and don't expect them to do everything. Its part of Somali dhaqan for women to do the majority of things and work hard.

 

[Shadow-san]

Lool he doesn't. Every group of people have certain good and bad traits. Arab men usually get maids for their wives and don't expect them to do everything. Its part of Somali dhaqan for women to do the majority of things and work hard.

Yeah mashallah, our women are unstobabble

"Woow, the house looks soooo clean, laakin you missed a spot in the corner near the corridor."

 

[senor chang]

Lool he doesn't. Every group of people have certain good and bad traits. Arab men usually get maids for their wives and don't expect them to do everything. Its part of Somali dhaqan for women to do the majority of things and work hard.

Rich Arabs do poor Arabs don’t and treat they wives badly

 

[Amina99]

She’s the one who birthed his kids he should respect and treat her like a Queen

Back to back, too. Some c sections and all naturally breast fed, and that’s no walk in the park.

 

[Amina99]

Lool he doesn't. Every group of people have certain good and bad traits. Arab men usually get maids for their wives and don't expect them to do everything. Its part of Somali dhaqan for women to do the majority of things and work hard.

He was shorter then her and ugly too, and she was maacan looking mashallah.

Arab men would get a maid lol. Miskeen our women are always expected to cook, clean, and even now pay bills, from the ones I’ve known.

 

[Nak-Muay-Kru]

A good friend of mine from around 2019 had this husband who’s that age range, late 30s or over, and made her cook, clean, and everything else … with a broken foot.

Like I was the one telling her to get it checked out, as her husband insisted she was fine, but like and behold, after the x rays, the doctors telling her she needs to take it easy and what not.

But when I would come over to help her with the kids, there she was … cooking and limping.

When he wasn’t around, I would bring my son and help her with her 3-4 other kids, and do household things for her, since her foot was broken.

Her one son spilled something and I got a mop to clean it, and her husband came in at that moment, berating her about why I as the guest was cleaning.

I’m like her foot ? And he was all ,” So? My mother would have a broken arm and still be cooking for all of us, what’s my wife excuse?”

Some faraxs in their late 30s are fucking scumbags, they're relics of a bygone era who think chipping in with the odd bit of housework is akin to castration. I'm all for parent putting their wants/needs second in order to bring up their kids in a stable household, but at some point having these guys around does more harm than good wallahi.

I don't know why women in these situation continue having children with deadbeats like that, surely they can piece it together that the guy's a useless cūnt after the 2nd child? They're not completely blameless.

Imagine being a young impressionable girl and growing up around that shit, you'd think any guy who treated you with a modicum of respect and not like some Filipino housemaid was a complete fâggot, brutal wallahi lol