The rise of the unmarried late 20s - early 30s Somali diaspora woman

[Kudhufo Kadhaqaq]

16-18 year old girls

 

[ElitistSomali]

What is the point of getting married when you can sleep with whoever you want without preconditions?

Im yet to undertand the logic behind the Islamic marriage seriously, thank god I would not need to pay extortion money if I would marry at all

 

[Cumar]

I wouldve thought any man would want a women who could take of herself & your kids if something happened to them...if you dont mind me asking what is attractive to the established man?

Taking care of the woman and children is the man's principal responsibility in Islam, so men aren't looking for a second provider per-se but a nurturer for their future children. To put it crudely, men are not looking to marry a woman who will compete with them in any way for the provider role.

I think the established guys are looking first and foremost for a pious, obedient and cultured girl who will raise their children with Islamic values and morals. The mother is the first teacher of the children so this is crucially important to give them a good, proper upbringing.

I don't want to generalize, but for a man, the fact a girl has 3 master's degrees is irrelevant. She could have a high school diploma and if she ticks all the boxes below, virtually all guys would wife her.

• Can she cook and clean and is she willing to take this on as her primary responsibility in the household?
• Can she speak Somali?
• Is she a practicing sister?
• Does she dress modestly?
• Does she avoid unnecessary interaction with non-mahram men?
• Does she come from a good, respectable familiy?
• Is she physically attractive? Is she in shape?

A Somali girl that ticks all of these boxes will be spoilt for choice in potential Somali husbands.

 

[Desert Flower]

The most important thing to a man I believe in choosing a potential spouse is her morals and cultural values in addition to her youth. Having a career is never considered a factor by a man when he’s on the lookout, which is what I believe confuses and enrages so many western women who can’t wrap their heads around this.

Also, as @Cumar mentioned, meeting a Somali woman nowadays in her late-twenties who hasn’t slept around looks more highly unlikely as the years go on and this presents a risk as there may be another man from her past who may enter the scene a few years down the line.

That is interesting to know. So are you saying that the girl who is in medical school is no more likely to be considered marriage material compared to the girl who either didn't go to university or only completed HS?

I say this because alot of Somali girls have been told to stay in school, focus on their studies and later on, find a spouse to marry. But I always thought this idea was flawed. Marriage and education are not mutually exclusive. But at the same time, it is difficult for a girl to even find someone if her entire schedule consists of school, studying, EC'/volunteer and work.

However though, non-muslims seem to have no problem juggling relationships (although they are boyfriend-girlfriend) in addition to everything that I mentioned above. Some of my non-muslim classmates are managing perfectly fine.

 

[Desert Flower]

Taking care of the woman and children is the man's principal responsibility in Islam, so men aren't looking for a second provider per-se but a nurturer for their future children. To put it crudely, men are not looking to marry a woman who will compete with them in any way for the provider role.

I think the established guys are looking first and foremost for a pious, obedient and cultured girl who will raise their children with Islamic values and morals. The mother is the first teacher of the children so this is crucially important to give them a good, proper upbringing.

I don't want to generalize, but for a man, the fact a girl has 3 master's degrees is irrelevant. She could have a high school diploma and if she ticks all the boxes below, virtually all guys would wife her.

• Can she cook and clean and is she willing to take this on as her primary responsibility in the household?
• Can she speak Somali?
• Is she a practicing sister?
• Does she dress modestly?
• Does she limit her interaction with non-mahram men?
• Does she come from a good, respectable familiy?
• Is she physically attractive? Is she in shape?

A Somali girl that ticks all of these boxes will be spoilt for choice in potential Somali husbands.

Thanks for giving us the inside scoop on the male psyche.

This seems to be the complete antithesis of what girls have been told with regards to seeking marriage.

 

[Zainab_7]

The most important thing to a man I believe in choosing a potential spouse is her morals and cultural values in addition to her youth. Having a career is never considered a factor by a man when he’s on the lookout, which is what I believe confuses and enrages so many western women who can’t wrap their heads around this.

Also, as @Cumar mentioned, meeting a Somali woman nowadays in her late-twenties who hasn’t slept around looks more unlikely as the years go on and this presents a risk as there may be another man from her past who may enter the scene a few years down the line.

Taking care of the woman and children is the man's principal responsibility in Islam, so men aren't looking for a second provider per-se but a nurturer for their future children. To put it crudely, men are not looking to marry a woman who will compete with them in any way for the provider role.

I think the established guys are looking first and foremost for a pious, obedient and cultured girl who will raise their children with Islamic values and morals. The mother is the first teacher of the children so this is crucially important to give them a good, proper upbringing.

I don't want to generalize, but for a man, the fact a girl has 3 master's degrees is irrelevant. She could have a high school diploma and if she ticks all the boxes below, virtually all guys would wife her.

• Can she cook and clean and is she willing to take this on as her lrimarp responsibility in the household?
• Can she speak Somali?
• Is she a practicing sister?
• Does she dress modestly?
• Does she limit her interaction with non-mahram men?
• Does she come from a good, respectable familiy?
• Is she physically attractive? Is she in shape?

A Somali girl that ticks all of these boxes will be spoilt in her choice of Somali men and won't have any problems in the marriage market.

Thanks for sharing, you both mentioned valid points!

 

[Cumar]

Thanks for giving us the inside scoop on the male psyche.

This seems to be the complete antithesis of what girls have been told with regards to seeking marriage.

The most common anecdote I hear regarding marriage these days is:

"The women have become the men they want to marry"

Its very problematic, as lot of people are straight up lying or being misleading to our girls telling them things like education will make them more attractive when it's not true.

The good news is a lot of those desirable characteristics can be learnt very easily or be implemented with practice (cooking, cleaning, staying in shape etc).

I'm interested to know what girls are told regarding this topic if you are interested in sharing.

 

[World]

The main problem is that Somali parents tell a woman to fend for themselves and to find a partner on their own, whereas with Pakistanis, Arabs, Indians and Afghanis, the vast majority of their women either get married to their cousins or to suitors introduced to them by their parents.

 

[PhaedrusHunt]

That is interesting to know. So are you saying that the girl who is in medical school is no more likely to be considered marriage material compared to the girl who either didn't go to university or only completed HS?

I say this because alot of Somali girls have been told to stay in school, focus on their studies and later on, find a spouse to marry. But I always thought this idea was flawed. Marriage and education are not mutually exclusive. But at the same time, it is difficult for a girl to even find someone if her entire schedule consists of school, studying, EC'/volunteer and work.

However though, non-muslims seem to have no problem juggling relationships (although they are boyfriend-girlfriend) in addition to everything that I mentioned above. Some of my non-muslim classmates are managing perfectly fine.

Yes. You see, you have to understand that the mother is the most important factor in the emotional development of a child. Women are cultural transmitters, they literally shape lives. Motherhood, I’d contend, is the most important role in society, with the father - coming in a close second - being needed to provide and discipline the kids lest they become a drag on society in early adulthood. Now, if we have both parents slaving away for corporate while the child is in a day care centre having its needs catered to by strangers, who knows what the consequences could entail for the development of that child.


Personally, I’ve never even understood women who are fine with going to work instead of taking care of their children. It’s not even a gender thing tbh, if I had a choice and hypothetically had a means of providing for and being with my children as their father, I’d make the most of every moment with them. They are only young once after all, might as well cherish your time with them.

 

[Desert Flower]

The most common anecdote I hear regarding marriage these days is:

"The women have become the men they want to marry"

Its very problematic, as lot of people are straight up lying or being misleading to our girls telling them things like education will make them more attractive when it's not true.

The good news is a lot of those desirable characteristics can be learnt very easily or be implemented with practice (cooking, cleaning, staying in shape etc).

I'm interested to know what girls are told regarding this topic if you are interested in sharing.

I think you've pretty much summed it up. I know I've been told that the more education that I have, the more attractive I will be to male suitors.

But to be fair, women are seeking higher education because they want to be financially independent. Also, many are finding that their male counterparts are not able to support a household alone because the cost of living is too high, so they need to work to have a two-income household in order to make ends meet.

I could go on and on, but in my experience, the main thing is that girls are pushed to seek higher education, as that will make them desirable in the eyes of men. I.e. if a girl is in Law school or Medical school, her chances of not just marriage, but marriage to a like-minded man goes up exponentially.

Of course, we are taught how to cook and clean and maintain our physical appearance, but these characteristics are secondary to the obtainment of education and the advancement of one's career.

 

[DeadStar]

I honestly wouldn’t wanna want an illiterate, lap dog for a wife who can’t raise her own children without a man.

 

[Desert Flower]

Yes. You see, you have to understand that the mother is the most important factor in the emotional development of a child. Women are cultural transmitters, they literally shape lives. Motherhood, I’d contend, is the most important role in society, with the father - coming in a close second - being needed to provide and discipline the kids lest they become a drag on society in early adulthood. Now, if we have both parents slaving away for corporate while the child is in a day care centre having its needs catered to by strangers, who knows what the consequences could entail for the development of that child.


Personally, I’ve never even understood women who are fine with going to work instead of taking care of their children. It’s not even a gender thing tbh, if I had a choice and hypothetically had a means of providing for and being with my children as their father, I’d make the most of every moment with them. They are only young once after all, might as well cherish your time with them.

I think children are a separate issue. The woman may choose to work after she's married, but when the kids arrive, would decide to stay home and look after them during their formative years, up until they are school-aged.

I don't see any woman choosing to go to work while her kids are young, unless she is forced to due to financial reasons. That would cause resentment in any woman, as her husband is unable to financially provide for his family.

But what you said will work when the husband and wife are a team working together to raise successful children, and on top of that, are merciful and compassionate to each other.

 

[Gambar]

The main problem is that Somali parents tell a woman to fend for themselves and to find a partner on their own, whereas with Pakistanis, Arabs, Indians and Afghanis, the vast majority of their women either get married to their cousins or to suitors introduced to them by their parents.

Some do though.

 

[PhaedrusHunt]

I think children are a separate issue. The woman may choose to work after she's married, but when the kids arrive, would decide to stay home and look after them during their formative years, up until they are school-aged.

I don't see any woman choosing to go to work while her kids are young, unless she is forced to due to financial reasons. That would cause resentment in any woman, as her husband is unable to financially provide for his family.

Fair enough, but I don’t think this situation is ideal. A mother should be home for the kids until they reach 10-12 which is a considerable amount of time. There might even be more kids down the line and having more kids to take care of will just prolong her child rearing duties.

 

[Sophisticate]

I can give you amazing children. haven't u seen my dna results? I am almost 100% somalis, i have the highest percentage here, pure faarax. I am tall and got money too. naa u couldn't do better.
hit my luuq NOW.

Propositioning yourself, I see.

 

[GeKo]

I think children are a separate issue. The woman may choose to work after she's married, but when the kids arrive, would decide to stay home and look after them during their formative years, up until they are school-aged.

I don't see any woman choosing to go to work while her kids are young, unless she is forced to due to financial reasons. That would cause resentment in any woman, as her husband is unable to financially provide for his family.

But what you said will work when the husband and wife are a team working together to raise successful children, and on top of that, are merciful and compassionate to each other.

Many women don't think like you, there are those who believe making their own income and putting their kids in a day care is a better option.
Especially if she's highly educated, she'll ask why she went through all those years just to end up a housewife. And there are those who see being a housewife as unfulfilling and oppressive.

 

[Desert Flower]

Many women don't think like you, there are those who believe making their own income and putting their kids in a day care is a better option.
Especially if she's highly educated, she'll ask why she went through all those years just to end up a housewife. And there are those who see being a housewife as unfulfilling and oppressive.

Here is the thing, my accomplishments with regards to my degree's, and other aspects of my resume are things that I did and do for myself and my hooyo; ensuring that her sacrifices for me were not in vain.

I can understand and sympathize with the women who have worked so hard with their degrees and have spent years pursuing higher education. They have accrued student loans and need to pay them back, for instance. You can't blame them if they feel that by staying home, they are wasting their life.

There is also the sense of fear that many women have. If they stay at home, their husbands will not appreciate them, take them for granted and will not help them raise the kids and take care of things around the house. So its important for men to make sure that they treat their wives with respect, to not oppress her, and to understand that if she was a highly educated woman, she has given up her career and any earning potential in order to nurture her family. That takes a lot of sacrifice, and it should be met with respect and compassion.

 

[Emily]

I am not against xalimos . I did not say anything negative about them in this thread
@Slickback you don’t know anything about my life f*ck off.

 

[XawoTako]

One thing somali guys are good at is they know how to pick their wives. Good girls don't go beyond 20-22 without being wifed up. If she's unmarried and is approaching 30, u better believe there's a good reason. among them:

she has a past, she used to wild out, clubbing etc..
she spent her 20s talking about I don't need no man because she finished her gender studies degree
she ran after ajnabis, dissed faaraxs, aka self hate, and hate for all things somali.


she falls into one of those three. never waste your time on a somali girl that's beyond 23 years of age unless she's in medical school.

Stop being judgemental just because a woman I sent married at certain age doesn't mean she has a past or she hates men. People have their own reason, everyone's situation is different.dont generalize please

 

[roble]

long thread more important to be self sufficient than marry.you can have a child without all these strings attached.dont worry ladies its 21rst century and you aint comn back to Somalia.go with the flow and enjoy.