I hated the idea that I was created to suffer and be "tested" whilst also being threatened with torture and hellfire.
I would rather not have been created than go through that, I actually envy kids who die early due to this as they got an easy way out.
Islam is just too negative for me to be enthusiastic about it.
I had zero motivation to pray or do Islamic things.
In terms of whether I believe Allah exists or not, I see it as a possibility, I don't rule it out but I also would not be surprised if it turns out that he doesn't exist.
I am agnostic, not atheist, I can't say that i'm certain.
I don't really care about religions and having to follow an extra set of rules each day.
"I hated the idea that I was created to suffer and be "tested" whilst also being threatened with torture and hellfire."
You were not created to suffer, you can enjoy the world and all that is in it (that is permissible) however you should not make it your most important priority/goal. It is a test however, not sure why you hate the idea. In this life we're tested with many things, hating it rather than passing it would not help you overcome it
"I would rather not have been created than go through that, I actually envy kids who die early due to this as they got an easy way out."
You shouldn't be sad that you are alive, there are many pleasures things in life that you take for granted that you'd never experience if you never existed, of course there are bad things as well, this world is a test and is filled with it, but if much of the bad is hurting you in such a way, instead of becoming depressed by it you can make an effort in your own life to better the situation you so much hate.
"Islam is just too negative for me to be enthusiastic about it."
What is it about Islam that is negative, is it the things that i have mentioned earlier or is it something else? Is what you do/believe instead somehow more enthusiastic? If so what way? The way i see it, not believing in a god, all morality is subjective, would make you depressed even more. It's an easy path to nihilism, that life has no meaning whatsoever. You tell me, which is it that is more positive?
"I had zero motivation to pray or do Islamic things."
Well why is that the case, was it because you had doubts were you simply lazy, couldn't get used to it ect? Making things a habit by doing it over and over again while also understanding the underlying importance of it would help you do these things
"In terms of whether I believe Allah exists or not, I see it as a possibility, I don't rule it out but I also would not be surprised if it turns out that he doesn't exist."
Well if you see it as a possibility, then it is within your best interest to know for certain by looking at both sides and come up with a conclusion, because like you say if you see it as a possibility and it turns to be true then to put it bluntly you're pretty much screwed. And if its the latter then you're just going into what you're trying to escape in the first place
Reach over at the olive branch brother/sister