Your Mehr

[Angelina]

That's a doomsday scenario if I've seen one, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I don't like seeing marriages being handled like some business, it's a union of families coming together and completing half your dheen, any guy doing those things to his wife never loved her or is a kalab, it's up to her to exercise due diligence when choosing a partner.

Doomesday or not, that is the reality of a lot of women and the law, yet a lot of Islamic speakers want to placate women by saying his money is yours. It isn't, so therefore as a Muslim community if we're going to try and encourage women to be housewives and sacrifice their youth and hardwork looking after a home they legally don't have a claim to, then we need to think of solutions or they need to stop having issues with career women because at the end of the day, they fare better as at least they have savings in their accounts and they don't need to start over again at 50+ with no marketable skills.

With all due respect, choosing diligently is rubbish advise. You only really get to know someone through extended contact such as either living with them or travelling with them, and Islamically those options are haram. Even if you try to choose diligently, you can't predict people's actions and life throws curve balls. The only thing we can do is control our own actions and put our trust in Allah.

 

[World]

Fellas, in all honestly how much mehr would you want your sister or daughter to get?

As long as the guy marrying them is a good man I don’t mind if they receive even £1000, you are lucky if you find a good spouse which is what matters

 

[Chase]

Doomesday or not, that is the reality of a lot of women and the law, yet a lot of Islamic speakers want to placate women by saying his money is yours. It isn't, so therefore as a Muslim community if we're going to try and encourage women to be housewives and sacrifice their youth and hardwork looking after a home they legally don't have a claim to, then we need to think of solutions or they need to stop having issues with career women because at the end of the day, they fare better as at least they have savings in their accounts and they don't need to start over again at 50+ with no marketable skills.

With all due respect, choosing diligently is rubbish advise. You only really get to know someone through extended contact such as either living with them or travelling with them, and Islamically those options are haram. Even if you try to choose diligently, you can't predict people's actions and life throws curve balls. The only thing we can do is control our own actions and put our trust in Allah.

Okay fine, life throws you curve balls, how will a lump sum payment of 10k mitigate all that? And I'm talking about the west here, most Muslim families buying homes are co-owners, and even if the wife wasn't, she still has a very good chance of keeping the house.

Due diligence may be basic advice for some, but it's something Somali women need to sincerely grasp and put into use. Too many times Xalimos will jump into a marriage barely knowing the guy or his mindset & ambitions, y'all get swayed too easily compared to other Muslim groups.

 

[Bundasliga]

Hardly no one unless they're like rich Somalis in Kenya or the khaleej gets more than 10k. I've been to enough weddings, seen a lot of my friends, acquaintance, relatives ect you name it get married, yet hardly anyone got more than 10k and to top it off, Somali men do not usually pay upfront as they would usually have to pay for the wedding expenses, so majority are actually paying £5k in like installments, yet mehr is it seems still a topic of conversation.

I'm going to assume, the majority here are teens or early 20s so they might not know how marriages work in our community nor have they actually asked people in real life about mehr.

The 50k+ Mehr is found in the Khaleeji community yet bored Somalis want to discuss something that never usually happens in our community.

Agree ,but you said (western) faraxs complain about 6k mehr, we both know that's straight cap.

 

[canjeeroiyoshah]

Say what you may but I feel like women who are fixated on mehr are not worth the time. Any girl who tells you she wants more than 20k fellas please do yourself a favour and run. This is someone with an inflated sense of self who will cause you a lot of pain.

 

[__08]

Only arranged marriage/ugly man will be charged more than that. If you are a decent man, she herself would want you to not feel the weight of expensive marriage.

Bro I’m just joking. If he’s a decent guy and provides a reasonable amount his girl won’t mind.

 

[Enter]

If she wants to marry you, she'll take whatever

 

[__08]

Call me naive but I feel like women who are fixated on mehr are not worth the time. Any girl who tells who she wants more than 20k do yourself a favour and run. This is someone with an inflated sense of self who will cause you a lot of pain.

I see your point. But usually when you marry a Somali women it comes with a lot of benefits. So I see why they would want a higher price

 

[TekNiKo]

She made tahriib. You've told us about her and she's currently in Germany right? She's from back home and that is a lot for them.

In the West, the average Xalimo asks for 3-6k. That is cheap compared to other Muslim ethnic groups, yet our men still complain.

Mashallah if the average Halimo is asking for reasonable price in the West thats fine. If I was a millionaire I would pay her 40k so your right it depends on the mans income. You cant put a price on love.

 

[Chase]

Mashallah if the average Halimo is asking for reasonable price in the West thats fine. If I was a millionaire I would pay her 40k so your right it depends on the mans income. You cant put a price on love.

This

 

[Angelina]

Okay fine, life throws you curve balls, how will a lump sum payment of 10k mitigate all that? And I'm talking about the west here, most Muslim families buying homes are co-owners, and even if the wife wasn't, she still has a very good chance of keeping the house.

Due diligence may be basic advice for some, but it's something Somali women need to sincerely grasp and put into use. Too many times Xalimos will jump into a marriage barely knowing the guy or his mindset & ambitions, y'all get swayed too easily compared to other Muslim groups.

Simply looking at it from a legal perspective and how ultra conservative Muslims like to shame Muslim women into not working due to the freemixing argument. Started to go off on a tangent and looking at it too deeply.

That is a point I made earlier, I even said Mehr isn't going to help and that the money will be spent by then and will not last after 10 or even 20 years, hence i've never understood the argument that Mehr is for help with divorce because if it is, shouldn't women be asking for a monthly % they can add to their saving for the rest of their marriage as Mehr? I think this should be normalised for housewives.

But you're right, this isn't an issue for Muslim women with careers and most are buying with their husbands which is a smart step.

Not choosing diligently isn't only a Somali issue. Other communities have terrible marriages fraught with disrespect, unemployment, sometimes abuse and you name it. The only difference with Somali women, is that most would rather leave than stay. We even have a saying, someone can write it in Somali, rather than live with disrespect, marrying 30 times is better.

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[Angelina]

Mashallah if the average Halimo is asking for reasonable price in the West thats fine. If I was a millionaire I would pay her 40k so your right it depends on the mans income. You cant put a price on love.

Lool you and @Chase are such romantics.
May Allah give you lot enduring and healthy fulfilling love in your marriages.

 

[canjeeroiyoshah]

I see your point. But usually when you marry a Somali women it comes with a lot of benefits. So I see why they would want a higher price

Marrying a xalimo comes with a lot of benefits you're right, that's why i can't see myself deviating. I'm even curving xabashas in my pursuit for a traditional somali family.

Are you good looking? Lets make this work.

 

[Tambien]

For 80k I’m expecting a buy 1 get 1 free deal

 

[Chase]

Simply looking at it from a legal perspective and how ultra conservative Muslims like to shame Muslim women into not working due to the freemixing argument. Started to go off on a tangent and looking at it too deeply.

That is a point I made earlier, I even said Mehr isn't going to help and that the money will be spent by then and will not last after 10 or even 20 years, hence i've never understood the argument that Mehr is for help with divorce because if it is, shouldn't women be asking for a monthly % they can add to their saving for the rest of their marriage as Mehr? I think this should be normalised for housewives.

But you're right, this isn't an issue for Muslim women with careers and most are buying with their husbands which is a smart step.

Not choosing diligently isn't only a Somali issue. Other communities have terrible marriages fraught with disrespect, unemployment, sometimes abuse and you name it. The only difference with Somali women, is that most would rather leave than stay. We even have a saying, someone can write it in Somali, rather than live with disrespect, marrying 30 times is better.

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You know, you made some good points, the mehr thing is obsolete now. Muslims need to adapt to the current times, I think it's more than fair for the wife to keep the house, even if it's not in her name, since she's raising the kids. Times have changed, it's time we did too.

 

[__08]

Marrying a xalimo comes with a lot of benefits you're right, that's why i can't see myself deviating. I'm even curving xabashas in my pursuit for a traditional somali family.

Are you good looking? Lets make this work.

I have a man, I respectful bow out.

 

[Sol]

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[Dalalos_ibn_Adali]

Mehr is to the girl the norm is 2k but you can splurge as much as you want on your would be wife.

Culturally you also gift her family, its normally 1k you gift the family but could be more, after all they raised her.

the highest I got in gift payment was 50 dollar, kids usually get like 5 dollars. You hand that money out to her immediate family and relatives during the Mehr ceremony.

Obviously the most important thing is to be realistic, I have seen guys take loans out to pay mehr, pay in instalments a huge figuire, all these moves are retarded, if you doing well pay more, if you not doing well pay less, never go above your means for a woman you marrying, she is not your mother, she could leave you tomorrow.

 

[Radical]

Interesting question

 

[Sophisticate]

There she goes sounding like a serial killer again. Our big sis wants a man's kidneys now.

You can still survive with part of a liver and one kidney.

Who's arguing with him? We're just giving our opinion, no need to get triggered.

I could afford to pay a high meher if I choose too but I don't want to give high 5 figure or 6 figures to a women, it's just not that important to me and I'm sure others feel that way.

I thought you said you were...

I wouldn't have a wedding, would invest some, and donate the rest of my Mehr. That's what you do with a high bride price. I can be strategically parsimonious and magnanimous.