Would you guys marry a single mother ?

[Peache]

@Amina99 I've seen several western xalimos in the states who married from back home . Is this becoming more common nowdays due to the fact there are so many single western born xalimos in the west ?

Great question and idk cause I was 23 when this happened ( 27 now ) and people were shocked cause the girls who do this are in their 30s and desperate for kids and marriage.

I was in an arranged marriage, as in my tribe ( sorry to bring that up ), it’s unfortunately practised and all the women in my family had arranged marriages.

I didn’t know Somalis even did this tbh.
It’s common for the older ones in their 30s to do this as I’ve seen all of those ones marry fobs.

 

[Bundasliga]

I get where your coming from, and it’s a touchy and sensitive subject as people assume we as women have to stay no matter what.

let’s just say this: I was in an arranged marriage with a guy in Somalia, who didn’t like me as much as I didn’t like him, but his fam wanted that passport tbh. ( I learnt eventually).

He didn’t want to come here in general mostly cause he didn’t want to work and expected me to pay for everything, ( his brothers wife pays for everything ), and wanted to bring other women to marry here.
He didn’t want to improve his English or learn to drive even.

He announced during my pregnancy he wanted to marry a girl he knew that lives in Minnesota, which caused me great stress and I did all the hard work raising our child while he got to relax.

Would only call for money. And go ghost for two-three months at times.

I worked hard to try to sponsor him and he didn’t want to thus I asked for divorce ( other things he did which they wouldn’t give me for a long time, as they couldn’t reach him.

I can proudly say, due to my Abo’s advice that I gave him a long time frame to change and given many chances for him to improve himself before divorcing, so I wasn’t someone who jumped into divorce.

I take full responsibility for getting into this ( although was pressured ) and don’t expect pity, but some woman can’t stay with their spouses.

Would you want your sister to go through what I did and expect her to stay ?

Man this is horrible.
Why did they arrange you with such a looser?! Something I can't understand why giving up your daughter to loosers who don't put any effort ?least they can do is select a good men

 

[Saredo]

Gosh it was so long ago now lol.
His sister and family were the ones to tell me they want us to get married, never him. He wouldn’t spend time with me and always with his friends and would rarely talk to me.
When he did spend time with me he was nice but I could tell he wasn’t being sincere thus me trying to back out of it 3 different times as I could tell he didn’t like me that much. But my fan and his fam would promise me he would change.

He also thought I was disgusting for not being circumcised. I’m sorry that’s TMI, but it was hilarious seeing as how earlier his sister asked me if I was and I said no and she asked me if I wanted to get it done.

Other things he did that showed he wasn’t being genuine which is too long to mention, but overall I lowkey think they did black magic on me cause I can’t beileve I went through with it.

I hope you’ll find someone who will treat you right whenever you decide to remarry. This is sad. Families should protect their daughters.

 

[En_Sabah Nur]

Great question and idk cause I was 23 when this happened ( 27 now ) and people were shocked cause the girls who do this are in their 30s and desperate for kids and marriage.

I was in an arranged marriage, as in my tribe ( sorry to bring that up ), it’s unfortunately practised and all the women in my family had arranged marriages.

I didn’t know Somalis even did this tbh.
It’s common for the older ones in their 30s to do this as I’ve seen all of those ones marry fobs.

Relatives back home put pressure and guilt trips those in the diaspora using tribal card. But at least you have a beautiful child out of the situation.

 

[Peache]

Man this is horrible.
Why did they arrange you with such a looser?! Something I can't understand why giving up your daughter to loosers who don't put any effort ?least they can do is select a good men

Ok so it may sound crazy, but they made it seem like it’s important to marry within our tribe as to increase and strengthen it.

In their eyes and mindset they explained it’s better to do it this way, with someone from a family they trust, vs some “bum” in the west as they said.

At least this guy comes from a good family, it’s better this way and he will be good to you in the future.

The irony of it all. And they do heavily pressure the girls, cause I know some may look at me and think they didn’t have a gun to your head. But it was hard to get out of, which I tried 3 different times.

 

[Peache]

I hope you’ll find someone who will treat you right whenever you decide to remarry. This is sad. Families should protect their daughters.

Thank you sister. That’s so sweet, as I plan to stay by myslef and co parent when he arrives to the states in the future Inshallah, and if I do marry, it’ll be preferably to a guy who’s also divorced ( age appropriate) as I’ve seen a lot of guys within our culture who like me got married young with at least one kid and divorced.

 

[Angelina]

Ok so it may sound crazy, but they made it seem like it’s important to marry within our tribe as to increase and strengthen it.

In their eyes and mindset they explained it’s better to do it this way, awith someone from a family they trust, vs some “bum” in the west as they said.

At least this guy comes from a good family, it’s better this way and he will be good to you in the future.

The irony of it all. And they do heavily pressure the girls, cause I know some may look at me and think they didn’t have a gun to your head. But it was hard to get out of, which I tried 3 different times.

Do you think your family regret pushing you? Also, could they see as well that the groom wasn't interested? I fail to see how they thought a man who doesn't want his wife to be can ever step up and do right by her.

Anyways sis, May Allah bless you with a decent spouse and I hope everything works out for you.

 

[Hybrid()]

Ok so it may sound crazy, but they made it seem like it’s important to marry within our tribe as to increase and strengthen it.

In their eyes and mindset they explained it’s better to do it this way, awith someone from a family they trust, vs some “bum” in the west as they said.

At least this guy comes from a good family, it’s better this way and he will be good to you in the future.

The irony of it all. And they do heavily pressure the girls, cause I know some may look at me and think they didn’t have a gun to your head. But it was hard to get out of, which I tried 3 different times.

Sorry about that. Arrange marriages are litterly nonexistent in many parts of somalia I'm familiar with. I thought it was only restricted to cadcads and barwanis but I guess a fair number of Somali clans also practice arrange marriages

 

[Bundasliga]

Ok so it may sound crazy, but they made it seem like it’s important to marry within our tribe as to increase and strengthen it.

In their eyes and mindset they explained it’s better to do it this way, awith someone from a family they trust, vs some “bum” in the west as they said.

At least this guy comes from a good family, it’s better this way and he will be good to you in the future.

The irony of it all. And they do heavily pressure the girls, cause I know some may look at me and think they didn’t have a gun to your head. But it was hard to get out of, which I tried 3 different times.

Tbh many Somali people are qabilistic to the point they'd only allow their kids to marry from the same qabil or sometimes only subqabil ,but least they could do is offer you a good men from the same qabil. Maybe they only were interested in papers .

 

[reer]

@Angelina somalis have a filthy dhaqan of getting a 2nd wife as soon as they get a little income rise. the 1st family cant even feel raaxo from a bit more money. they can barely afford polygamy. atleast gulf arabs make sure they have big disposable income before entering polygamy.

 

[Angelina]

Tbh many Somali people are qabilistic to the point they'd only allow their kids to marry from the same qabil or sometimes only subqabil ,but least they could do is offer you a good men from the same qabil. Maybe they only were interested in papers .

I've seen that mentality. They behave as though if a guy is from the same qabil and they know his abo he is basically the best of the best. They don't do background checks, they don't find out any personal details about him and they naively assume that he'll have the characteristics of his father they probably knew back in Somalia 20+ odd years ago. I think its so sad, because as a father, you should have your daughter's best interest at the forefront, not your qabil and not habel habel you knew years ago who is blantantly using you and your daughter so that his son can get to the West and dump her.

 

[Peache]

Do you think your family regret pushing you? Also, could they see as well that the groom wasn't interested? I fail to see how they thought a man who doesn't want his wife to be can ever step up and do right by her.

Anyways sis, May Allah bless you with a decent spouse and I hope everything works out for you.

They don’t regret it, as they don’t even acknowledge what they did, and even made up in their minds that I wanted this, and that what’s breaks my heart. They as in my mom and my ex husband family.
They don’t take accountability and think, maybe this wasn’t a good thing we forced you into, and instead scream that they never did that and it was something I wanted.

I was like so I imagined everything? Lol it’s wild.


Theyre pretty cruel for that and it’s insane as I remember everything and still have receipts about what happened to me.

 

[reer]

I've seen that mentality. They behave as though if a guy is from the same qabil and they know his abo he is basically the best of the best. They don't do background checks, they don't find out any personal details about him and they naively assume that he'll have the characteristics of his father they probably knew back in Somalia 20+ odd years ago. I think its so sad, because as a father, you should have your daughter's best interest at the forefront, not your qabil and not habel habel you knew years ago who is blantantly using you and your daughter so that his son can get to the West and dump her.

facts somalis dont take marriage seriously enough. buufis is a serious disease dont marry from back home unless you make it clear you will live in africa and not sponsor them.

 

[Peache]

Sorry about that. Arrange marriages are litterly nonexistent in many parts of somalia I'm familiar with. I thought it was only restricted to cadcads and barwanis but I guess a fair number of Somali clans also practice arrange marriages

It truly is, but surprisingly all the women in my family do it. I truly didn’t think we engaged in that practice but it was something even I was in denial about when it happened to me and lied to people as to how I married him.
I didn’t come to full terms of what happened to me for a long time.

 

[Zahra]

I only find it acceptable to marry a single mother if you're going into the relationship with a child of your own. If you're going to be taking care of another man's child the woman needs to be taking care of another woman's child.

Childish way of thinking.

 

[Angelina]

@Angelina somalis have a filthy dhaqan of getting a 2nd wife as soon as they get a little income rise. the 1st family cant even baashaal. they can barely afford polygamy. atleast gulf arabs make sure they have big disposable income before entering polygamy.

Not just the Gulf. Its every community who make sure they have a good income and the 1st wife is set before marrying again. We need to learn from them.

Sadly, the younger gen of boys as i've observed on this forum although I hope they're trolling don't seem to see an issue with it, even though their middle aged hooyo is working back to back in care in the cold so she can pay for their food, internet connection, and PS5, whilst abo is chilling back home with a girl.

 

[anonimo]

Depends. I think its more of an issue in this generation in the West. The older gen seemed to have no issues marrying again after divorcing or being widowed. Same with back home btw.

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Married men tbh are a risk, most can't afford it and as a mum you now need to be even more careful as you have a kid to think about. Some men disgustingly think they can treat their 2nd wives as side chicks, which is why they're more open to marrying a divorcee as a 2nd and not a 1st, but in Islam there shouldn't be a difference between the 2nd or 1st.

You are right, it was common for divorced women to be remarried. Some sub sub subclans from different clans are presumably related through a shared maternal ancestor.

Among FOB Somalis in the diaspora it is a bit more complicated. Many mature men seek second wives to avoid Zina. I know of several cases where men have sent their wives abroad to raise the children in an Islamic environment and then marry a divorcee in the UK so as to avoid Zina. The second FOB wife is normally happy with the arrangement partly for financial reasons but also because they may have needs. These guys only visit the second wife a couple of days a week and provide her with an allowance. They do not mingle with the kids she already has. The more knowledgeable can correct me but i heard that such an arrangement can be negotiated before the Nikah by both parties.

Things don't always go according to plan though especially when the 1st wife finds out. This religious guy who helped manage a Mosque part time did the above but backtracked when the first wife threatened to return with the kids. Somali society is close knit and information spreads fast.

 

[Peache]

I've seen that mentality. They behave as though if a guy is from the same qabil and they know his abo he is basically the best of the best. They don't do background checks, they don't find out any personal details about him and they naively assume that he'll have the characteristics of his father they probably knew back in Somalia 20+ odd years ago. I think its so sad, because as a father, you should have your daughter's best interest at the forefront, not your qabil and not habel habel you knew years ago who is blantantly using you and your daughter so that his son can get to the West and dump her.

Omg this is so true. If only I had someone like you guys to back me up while I was there.

I even rembewr asking hey this guy is young like me and doesn’t seem ready, maybe I should wait and get to know him better and you know what they ( his mother and aunts ) said ?

“Wait ? For what ? To get to know him better ? That’s gaalo mindset and we don’t do that. We are a good family and he will do good by you, be grateful you found someone like him.”

My abo wasn’t there with me and was against it, but my mom made me agree to it. So it was my step dad who raised me who didn’t want it, but religiously they needed my real dad permission who he agreed to it immediately.

They assume cause that one older guy is great that everyone in that specific family is great too.

 

[En_Sabah Nur]

Not just the Gulf. Its every community who make sure they have a good income and the 1st wife is set before marrying again. We need to learn from them.

Sadly, the younger gen of boys as i've observed on this forum although I hope they're trolling don't seem to see an issue with it, even though their middle aged hooyo is working back to back in care in the cold so she can pay for their food, internet connection, and PS5, whilst abo is chilling back home with a girl.

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[Angelina]

You are right, it was common for divorced women to be remarried. Some sub sub subclans from different clans are presumably related through a shared maternal ancestor.

Among FOB Somalis in the diaspora it is a bit more complicated. Many mature men seek second wives to avoid Zina. I know of several cases where men have sent their wives abroad to raise the children in an Islamic environment and then marry a divorcee in the UK so as to avoid Zina. The second FOB wife is normally happy with the arrangement partly for financial reasons but also because they may have needs. These guys only visit the second wife a couple of days a week and provide her with an allowance. They do not mingle with the kids she already has. The more knowledgeable can correct me but i heard that such an arrangement can be negotiated before the Nikah by both parties.

Things don't always go according to plan though especially when the 1st wife finds out. This religious guy who helped manage a Mosque part time did the above but backtracked when the first wife threatened to return with the kids. Somali society is close knit and information spreads fast.

The arrangement you're talking about is called Nikkah Al misyr. Whilst its technically allowed, majority of scholars have outlawed it as they believe it goes against the Islamic spirit of marriage and because this union caused/causes a lot of issues.

A huge issue I find within the Somali community is husband's willingness to send the wife away and live apart. You hardly see that arrangement with the Arabs and Asians. The wives go where the husband goes, the husband would never feel comfortable with sending his wife to a foreign country without him being by her side and nor would the wives themselves. Yet in our community, both husband and wife have no issues living apart. It really is what causes the destruction of their marriages and it isn't fair for the kids. That is partially why divorce isn't seen as a big deal as couples already live life as single parents well before talaq is even uttered.

All in all, we need to do better.