Would you guys marry a single mother ?

[Angelina]

It'd still be a no. Things are never so straight forward and hassle-free even if the parents are on good terms. Besides, I know that child's needs would always come first. We wouldn't be able to just have random date nights or go on holiday whenever we felt like it, everything has to be meticulously planned and the fact that it's not even my own child would just compound the annoyance that would cause lol

True wallahi. That is too much of a sacrifice for someone that hasn't even fathered/mothered their own child.

In saying that, joint custody would do wonders for single mothers and they'd probably find it easier to remarry, if potential men knew they wouldn't have to provide or fully raise their stepson as dad is in the picture taking the kid half or a lot of the time. Too many dumb women allow their bitterness to cloud their minds or maybe they're afraid their ex wouldn't be attentive to their child.

 

[The alchemist]

There is a general preference toward individuals with less life experience and fewer logistical complexities (i.e. co-parenting). I've never been married hence no children obviously so I would rather marry a younger man than a divorced one with a child. And you know how much I steer clear of younger uppity Abdis.

The best option is an older never married man. But sometimes they are dull and less animated. Where is the joie de vivre?

I'd imagine all they would do is knit all day and take a blue pill for some night owl RPG?

Only you would call co-parenting as "logistical complexities".

Imagine seeing a single mother looking at the kids thinking "man, this is a logistical problem".

 

[Character]

yeah, if she has gas the north american(us and can) papers i would not mind to compromise and lower my expectations, however, she would have to be clean and taqqiyya

 

[Nak-Muay-Kru]

True wallahi. That is too much of a sacrifice for someone that hasn't even fathered/mothered their own child.

In saying that, joint custody would do wonders for single mothers and they'd probably find it easier to remarry, if potential men knew they wouldn't have to provide or fully raise their stepson as dad is in the picture taking the kid half or a lot of the time. Too many dumb women allow their bitterness to cloud their minds or maybe they're afraid their ex wouldn't be attentive to their child.

Having joint custody would be helpful for mothers themselves, it would actually give som time off and let them decompress.

The bitterness and the financial insentive that come from having sole custody does so much damage to the kid and mother wallahi. They're just cutting off their nose to spite their face if the father's actually a capable and functional human beings.

 

[Zoobear]

Only my brother's widow if they still have young children.

 

[reer]

True wallahi. That is too much of a sacrifice for someone that hasn't even fathered/mothered their own child.

In saying that, joint custody would do wonders for single mothers and they'd probably find it easier to remarry, if potential men knew they wouldn't have to provide or fully raise their stepson as dad is in the picture taking the kid half or a lot of the time. Too many dumb women allow their bitterness to cloud their minds or maybe they're afraid their ex wouldn't be attentive to their child.

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[Angelina]

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[reer]

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kids under 13 need more motherly love. as a teen theyre more emotionally developed they can stay with their dad. especially teenage boys need a father figure.

 

[Peache]

It'd still be a no. Things are never so straight forward and hassle-free even if the parents are on good terms. Besides, I know that child's needs would always come first. We wouldn't be able to just have random date nights or go on holiday whenever we felt like it, everything has to be meticulously planned and the fact that it's not even my own child would just compound the annoyance that would cause lol

And you have every right to feel that and have those thoughts. Some people glamorize marrying a single mom, and it’s like there’s way too many drawbacks to it as I’ve mentioned, and more cons than pros.

Let’s just admit it, it’s hard for a man to bond with a kid thats not his. Eventually you will long for a child that’s biologically yours, and often what happens that we don’t talk about is that, even if you have a child with the single mother, you may treat it better than the one you are step father to, and that in turn will cause further divide.

Imagine you work hard to raised that step child all throughout school and to graduate and his real dad shows out of nowhere, and what they do is take the credit, although you as the step dad did all the hard work.

Men, take it from me, I’m only 27, but damn the things I’ve seen and learned shows me that’s it’s a thankless job.

 

[En_Sabah Nur]

And you have every right to feel that and have those thoughts. Some people glamorize marrying a single mom, and it’s like there’s way too many drawbacks to it as I’ve mentioned, and more cons than pros.

Let’s just admit it, it’s hard for a man to bond with a kid thats not his. Eventually you will long for a child that’s biologically yours, and often what happens that we don’t talk about is that, even if you have a child with the single mother, you may treat it better than the one you are step father to, and that in turn will cause further divide.

Imagine you work hard to raised that step child all throughout school and to graduate and his real dad shows out of nowhere, and what they do is take the credit, although you as the step dad did all the hard work.

Men, take it from me, I’m only 27, but damn the things I’ve seen and learned shows me that’s it’s a thankless job.

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[Peache]

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No I wouldn’t. Most of the men who offered are older like 40a and 50s , and have a shit ton of kids, can’t afford it, and let’s be honest most of them that asked me have lust on their minds, and are doing it beings their wife back to which I wouldn’t be comfortable with.
They not asking for the right reasons.

I would never be a second wife and have seen female family members by destroyed by this.

I ain’t that lonely, and would prefer to stay by myself. If anything why can’t I meet someone in the future who’s also divorced with a kid who like me got married in their early 20s and stayed single for years like I have? I’m more comfortable with that, and would never engage in polygamy.
The things I’ve been asked by married men is such a turn off so nope.


So no offence, what you and most Somali men say, isn’t true and that a married man isn’t the only choice for a single mother and she can meet someone’s who’s also been divorced.
Divorced people for divorced people.

 

[En_Sabah Nur]

No I wouldn’t. Most of the men who offered are older like 40a and 50s , and have a shit ton of kids and let’s be honest most of them that asked me have lust on their minds, and are doing it beings their wife back to which I wouldn’t be comfortable with.
They not asking for the right reasons.

I would never be a second wife and have seen female family members by destroyed by this.

I ain’t that lonely, and would prefer to stay by myself. If anything why can’t I meet someone in the future who’s also divorced with a kid who like me got married in their early 20s and stayed single for years like I have? I’m more comfortable with that, and would never engage in polygamy.
The things I’ve been asked by married men is such a turn off so nope.

Divorce is tougher on women unfortunately. We have it easier in terms of moving on. Most divorced men remarry very quickly. That’s why women should be very carefully on who they marry and when they seek divorce. Better to stay with the father of your kids even if there are issues

 

[Peache]

Divorce is tougher on women unfortunately. We have it easier in terms of moving on. Most divorced men remarry very quickly. That’s why women should be very carefully on who they marry and when they seek divorce. Better to stay with the father of your kids even if there are issues

I get where your coming from, and it’s a touchy and sensitive subject as people assume we as women have to stay no matter what.

let’s just say this: I was in an arranged marriage with a guy in Somalia, who didn’t like me as much as I didn’t like him, but his fam wanted that passport tbh. ( I learnt eventually).

He didn’t want to come here in general mostly cause he didn’t want to work and expected me to pay for everything, ( his brothers wife pays for everything ), and wanted to bring other women to marry here.
He didn’t want to improve his English or learn to drive even.

He announced during my pregnancy he wanted to marry a girl he knew that lives in Minnesota, which caused me great stress and I did all the hard work raising our child while he got to relax.

Would only call for money. And go ghost for two-three months at times.

I worked hard to try to sponsor him and he didn’t want to thus I asked for divorce ( other things he did which they wouldn’t give me for a long time, as they couldn’t reach him.

I can proudly say, due to my Abo’s advice that I gave him a long time frame to change and given many chances for him to improve himself before divorcing, so I wasn’t someone who jumped into divorce.

I take full responsibility for getting into this ( although was pressured ) and don’t expect pity, but some woman can’t stay with their spouses.

Would you want your sister to go through what I did and expect her to stay ?

 

[Angelina]

Divorce is tougher on women unfortunately. We have it easier in terms of moving on. Most divorced men remarry very quickly. That’s why women should be very carefully on who they marry and when they seek divorce. Better to stay with the father of your kids even if there are issues

Depends. I think its more of an issue in this generation in the West. The older gen seemed to have no issues marrying again after divorcing or being widowed. Same with back home btw.

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Married men tbh are a risk, most can't afford it and as a mum you now need to be even more careful as you have a kid to think about. Some men disgustingly think they can treat their 2nd wives as side chicks, which is why they're more open to marrying a divorcee as a 2nd and not a 1st, but in Islam there shouldn't be a difference between the 2nd or 1st.

 

[En_Sabah Nur]

@Amina99

I didn’t mean your situation, just in general. Somali men need to fix up as well to be honest.

 

[Peache]

@Amina99

I didn’t mean your situation, just in general. Somali men need to fix up as well to be honest.

Thank you, I didn’t mean to go on that long story but a lot of people in our culture automatically blame the women for what happened in the divorce and it breaks my heart that I’m blamed when I gave a lot of chances ( 2 years ) for him to improve and was treated like shit.
Not all Somali men are like him, but we as women are not always the one at fault at times.

 

[Angelina]

Thank you, I didn’t mean to go on that long story but a lot of people in our culture automatically blame the women for what happened in the divorce and it breaks my heart that I’m blamed when I gave a lot of chances ( 2 years ) for him to improve and was treated like shit.
Not all Somali men are like him, but we as women are not always the one at fault at times.

Sis I have a question, if you don't mind answering. Could you tell from the get go that he didn't like you, or was he faking it with you to get passport?

 

[Peache]

Depends. I think its more of an issue in this generation in the West. The older gen seemed to have no issues marrying again after divorcing or being widowed. Same with back home btw.

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Married men tbh are a risk, most can't afford it and as a mum you now need to be even more careful as you have a kid to think about. Some men disgustingly think they can treat their 2nd wives as side chicks, which is why they're more open to marrying a divorcee as a 2nd and not a 1st, but in Islam there shouldn't be a difference between the 2nd or 1st.

Abayoo you are so smart and are preaching to the choir.
When people have asked many times why I don’t want to be a second wife they don’t realize that these men who have asked me see me as a side chick and a solution to their middle age problems and don’t think about their first wife and their children.
None of these men can afford it and even if they could I wouldn’t do it as I’m not desperate.

I try to explain to people that as a single mom to one kid, we have to be extremely careful and I’m sorry to say just say single and raise and protect our kid.

These men asking, need to look within themselves as to why they need a second wife. If it’s just for lustful and selfish reasons then no.

Most western born and raised women wouldn’t agree to it anyways I tell them lol.

 

[Peache]

Sis I have a question, if you don't mind answering. Could you tell from the get go that he didn't like you, or was he faking it with you to get passport?

Gosh it was so long ago now lol.
His sister and family were the ones to tell me they want us to get married, never him. He wouldn’t spend time with me and always with his friends and would rarely talk to me.
When he did spend time with me he was nice but I could tell he wasn’t being sincere thus me trying to back out of it 3 different times as I could tell he didn’t like me that much. But my fan and his fam would promise me he would change.

He also thought I was disgusting for not being circumcised. I’m sorry that’s TMI, but it was hilarious seeing as how earlier his sister asked me if I was and I said no and she asked me if I wanted to get it done.

Other things he did that showed he wasn’t being genuine which is too long to mention, but overall I lowkey think they did black magic on me cause I can’t beileve I went through with it.

 

[Hybrid()]

@Amina99 I've seen several western xalimos in the states who married from back home . Is this becoming more common nowdays due to the fact there are so many single western born xalimos in the west ?