Pushed to get married as a man

[Shakespeare_aabihiis]

My cousin has recently finished his masters and subsequently gotten himself his first career job Alhamdulillah. Since he just got his career job he isn't making a spectacular amount. He thought he was going to work for a couple of years and through the raises he would have enough to go and get married. The thing is his mother and father want him to get married now and his mother has even started to talk to other women asking them about their daughters. He obviously has a plan for himself and doesn't want to rush things and start a "struggle" relationship like his parents had.
My question for men is what would you do in his situation?
And for women would you be ok with a man who is in this type of situation?

 

[NidarNidar]

My cousin has recently finished his masters and subsequently gotten himself his first career job Alhamdulillah. Since he just got his career job he isn't making a spectacular amount. He thought he was going to work for a couple of years and through the raises he would have enough to go and get married. The thing is his mother and father want him to get married now and his mother has even started to talk to other women asking them about their daughters. He obviously has a plan for himself and doesn't want to rush things and start a "struggle" relationship like his parents had.
My question for men is what would you do in his situation?
And for women would you be ok with a man who is in this type of situation?

The simple answer is just to move out, but he should explore other avenues like informing them of his plans etc.

 

[Angelina]

He should ignore them and work on himself. If he says he’s not ready, then he’s not ready and parents need to respect that. They’re not the ones that are going to be in this marriage, providing and sharing a house with the girl. They’re not the ones that are going to be responsible.

He needs to grow a backbone. No, is no.

Also, a lot of older gen parent don’t understand any concept of financial stability. Many raised kids in council houses with sometimes dad not working. Struggle is all they’ve known and unfortunately ‘responsibility’ isn’t something emphasized. Yes, risq comes from Allah, but you’re also meant to tie your camel and think strategically. Unfortunately, our people are one end of the spectrum and some cultures unfortunately are on the other end to such an extent it feels like they’re forgotten the concept of also being able to rely on Allah. Op’s cousin needs to remember not to go down the other extreme route as well.

 

[Sharab]

He should ignore them and work on himself. He says he’s not ready, then he’s not ready and parents need to respect that. They’re not the ones that are going to be in this marriage, providing and sharing a house with the a girl.

He needs to grow a backbone. No, is no.

Omg Wow W take I’m amazed woooooow

 

[Shakespeare_aabihiis]

He should ignore them and work on himself. If he says he’s not ready, then he’s not ready and parents need to respect that. They’re not the ones that are going to be in this marriage, providing and sharing a house with the girl. They’re not the ones that are going to be responsible.

He needs to grow a backbone. No, is no.

Also, a lot of older gen parent don’t understand any concept of financial stability. Many raised kids in council houses with sometimes dad not working. Yes, risq comes from Allah, but you’re also meant to tie your camel and think strategically. Unfortunately, our people are one end of the spectrum and some cultures unfortunately are on the other end to such an extent it feels like they’re forgotten the concept of also being able to rely on Allah. Op’s cousin needs to remember not to go down the other extreme route as well.

I told him to just tell them no every time they asked and that if it ever got too far I would step in but this dude has been a yes or ok man throughout his life and I don't think he'll change.

 

[NidarNidar]

I told him to just tell them no every time they asked and that if it ever got too far I would step in but this dude has been a yes or ok man throughout his life and I don't think he'll change.

His a miskeen Farah damn, the world is cruel, he shouldn't move out, he will be walked on if he ever house shares.

 

[Sophisticate]

If he doesn't have an interest in marriage, he's pretty much emotionally unavailable. He will be a liability to any woman he talks to at the moment. His focus is on his financial situation. His parents are likely not forcing him, and they can do nothing to sway him. It's only words uttered or, at the very most, pushy behaviour. He can just be matter-of-fact and tell them he's not interested in getting married straight out of the gate. This isn't hard.

 

[Shakespeare_aabihiis]

His a miskeen Farah damn, the world is cruel, he shouldn't move out, he will be walked on if he ever house shares.

Now that you said that I actually think it's a really good choicefor him not get married right now because I think he'll end up with a wife that walks all over him

 

[NidarNidar]

Now that you said that I actually think it's a really good choicefor him not get married right now because I think he'll end up with a wife that walks all over him

He needs to hit the gym and explore the world, I'm guessing his been sheltered most of his life.

 

[Angelina]

If he doesn't have an interest in marriage, he's pretty much emotionally unavailable. He will be a liability to any woman he talks to at the moment. His focus is on his financial situation. His parents are likely not forcing him, and they can do nothing to sway him. It's only words uttered or, at the very most, pushy behaviour. He can just be matter-of-fact and tell them he's not interested in getting married straight out of the gate. This isn't hard.

Whilst Somali families don’t force their sons what they do instead can be very annoying. They’ll without consent or maybe the son agrees to not be let down parents ask families with decent eligible daughters around the area on behalf of their sons and emotionally coerce their sons into speaking to these girls. Sons comply for a bit to not offend the girl’s family since parents have already pushed them to the deep end and it will make him and as his family look a certain way but it’s clear to everyone involved he doesn’t want to and in the long run, it does offend the girl he was set up with since as you’ve pointed out, he’s emotionally unavailable and low effort.

These parents unbeknownst to them are burning bridges because in a few years time their sons might be interested in these sisters once they’re emotionally in a better position but now that they’ve made him speak to multiple girls from decent families prematurely, by the time he’s ready, those families and girls don’t want anything to do with him.

I truly believe, unless your son has expressed sincere intentions of marriage and he’s okay with getting to know girls via family ect, don’t rope innocent families into your pressure tactics. It’s happen in my family with some of the girls coming across boys like that and it was just annoying and a waste of time.

 

[Shakespeare_aabihiis]

He needs to hit the gym and explore the world, I'm guessing his been sheltered most of his life.

He thought he had the time to do that before he goes to get married and I advised him to at least go to Somalia once whenever you can but with the whole marriage talk he seems to have kind of shut down his social battery.

 

[Shakespeare_aabihiis]

Whilst Somali families don’t force their sons what they do instead can be very annoying. They’ll randomly ask the mothers with decent eligible daughters around the area and emotionally coerce their sons into speaking to these girls. Sons comply for a bit to not offend the girl’s family since parents have already pushed them to the deep end, but it’s clear to everyone involved he doesn’t want to and in the long run, it does offend the girl he was set up with since as you’ve pointed out, he’s emotionally unavailable and low effort.

These parents unbeknownst to them are burning bridges because in a few years time their sons might be interested in these sisters once they’re emotionally in anger position but now that they’ve made him speak to multiple girls from decent families prematurely, by the time he’s ready, those families and girls don’t want anything to do with him. I’ve seen this in real life.

I agree I don't know why older generations act like life is still the same as it was when they were getting married. The cost of living went up and they turn a blind eye to it

 

[NidarNidar]

He thought he had the time to do that before he goes to get married and I advised him to at least go to Somalia once whenever you can but with the whole marriage talk he seems to have kind of shut down his social battery.

Fasting, vitamin D supplements and coffee are the way to go, the cost of us living so far up north is not good for our mental health, and he needs to go out more often, daily walks, his been neglecting his own emotional well-being.

 

[Angelina]

I agree I don't know why older generations act like life is still the same as it was when they were getting married. The cost of living went up and they turn a blind eye to it

Because even when they were marrying many of their generation couldn’t afford it but taking benefits, kids wearing hand me downs and the list continues was normalized. Being in semi poverty wasn’t outside the norm for them. Hence a young man with a great trajectory with a Uni degree has made it in their eyes.

 

[Moe]

My cousin has recently finished his masters and subsequently gotten himself his first career job Alhamdulillah. Since he just got his career job he isn't making a spectacular amount. He thought he was going to work for a couple of years and through the raises he would have enough to go and get married. The thing is his mother and father want him to get married now and his mother has even started to talk to other women asking them about their daughters. He obviously has a plan for himself and doesn't want to rush things and start a "struggle" relationship like his parents had.
My question for men is what would you do in his situation?
And for women would you be ok with a man who is in this type of situation?

I assume he is in mid 20 i would say he should focus on career and save alot of money for financial future with his future wife. He should climb the ladder/ gets experince and work hard until he thinks he can pay enough while having time for his wife and children. If he lives with his parents he can easily save much money ( he can pay some rent but that so much cheaper compared to having own ) than just keep on doing that until he can buy his own house than he set for life.

I see all these early marriage would make couple hold back on future investment and the man being absent alot in order to pay the bills.

Earn alot of money to buy house/car and life saving for the worst before doing anything after all here in west right now it very expensive with high inflation with high rent and children aint cheap to have*

* unless you like to neglet children.

 

[Hargeysa]

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[Wervelwind]

My parents are trying to get me to marry but I tell them no. What sense does it make to marry for your parents if it's you who's the husband. It's miskiin for the girl as well if you go in half heartedly.

 

[Vapour]

Why not get married? He’s got a decent job with growth opportunities.

Your cousin is a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. Bring him back down to earth. His future wife isn’t (and shouldn’t be) expecting superman.

 

[Shakespeare_aabihiis]

Why not get married? He’s got a decent job with growth opportunities.

Your cousin is a temporarily embarrassed millionaire. Bring him back down to earth. His future wife isn’t (and shouldn’t be) expecting superman.

Theres no point if he is truly not ready for it and has a plan for himself. He also doesn't want a struggle marriage his parents had where they struggled financially.

 

[Sophisticate]

Whilst Somali families don’t force their sons what they do instead can be very annoying. They’ll without consent or maybe the son agrees to not be let down parents ask families with decent eligible daughters around the area on behalf of their sons and emotionally coerce their sons into speaking to these girls. Sons comply for a bit to not offend the girl’s family since parents have already pushed them to the deep end and it will make him and as his family look a certain way but it’s clear to everyone involved he doesn’t want to and in the long run, it does offend the girl he was set up with since as you’ve pointed out, he’s emotionally unavailable and low effort.

These parents unbeknownst to them are burning bridges because in a few years time their sons might be interested in these sisters once they’re emotionally in a better position but now that they’ve made him speak to multiple girls from decent families prematurely, by the time he’s ready, those families and girls don’t want anything to do with him.

I truly believe, unless your son has expressed sincere intentions of marriage and he’s okay with getting to know girls via family ect, don’t rope innocent families into your pressure tactics. It’s happen in my family with some of the girls coming across boys like that and it was just annoying and a waste of time.

I'm aware of this. Even worse the passive brothers that have issues with setting limits who are convinced to speak with these girls and waste their time.

In fact some guys like the validation and attention of women without the marital commitment = financial indebtedness. In fact they place these girls in a holding pattern. It is easy to avoid this sort as they make no concrete plans and are flakes. The sort to speak vaguely and in very pie in the sky terms about the future. As they say words are cheap.