Marrying For A Green Card

[Zailah]

Nahh, we disguised our ID theft well. Let's just say we knew the police chief as well as he knew bribery and certain details were changed and certain forged papers given by the Interior Ministry. Siyaad's men and us were on good terms back then. My dad and them used to frequent the same watering holes like the Geelsankataabte pub. That's where the generals planned their failed 1977 offensive against Abbysinia. Good times.

Abaayo, Mareenka baa iga heesa. Wadanki Tom Jefferson iyo ninka la orodo George Washington madax weynaha ugu horay baan u xiise. Surely you can make room in your bed for a humble and pious wadaad like Bidarloow for a couple months till I get my affairs, both legal and romantic, in order.

Sheeko dheered bad haysa mate

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

Really everybody is anti-oppressive??

I think not. Sorry. Most religions are actually quite oppressive, politics, neoliberalism, capitalism, even socialism has oppressive tendencies.

Tell us more huuno adigo raali ah.

What aspects of religion are oppressive.

Would you identify as a secularist?

What are the main challenges that we need to overcome in our community, oppression wise. I will be sure to take notes for my Friday khutba. Sheikh Wanagsan is always looking for grass roots feedback.

 

[Angela Davis]

Tell us more huuno adigo raali ah.

What aspects of religion are oppressive.

Would you identify as a secularist?

What are the main challenges that we need to overcome in our community, oppression wise. I will be sure to take notes for my Friday khutaba. Sheikh Wanagsan is always looking for grass roots feedback.

loooooooooool...i swear you're hilarious. I know you're baiting me right now and I'm not in the mood to have a back and forth character assassination on SSPOT....but i love reading your posts...they're absurd and hilarious at the same time.

You should definitely go into comedy.

 

[Yahya Liban-Lewis]

Who voted no?

@Xooshdheere and @Yahya Liban-Lewis, explain yourselves you greedy brutes. You think you've got yours so it's okay to let others rot?

Why is @Khad714 voting when she can't even marry? Bloody hell, she can't even vote. We have to restrict the franchise on SSpot. @Kaleel and @AbdiJew take action please. We don't want no Jailbait complicating the lives of hunted brothers.

@yasmin lan abaayo I thought you blocked me. You saw the opportunity to ensnare the renowned sheikh Wanagsan in his hour of need and have your wicked way with him eh? I'm ready for you sweetheart.

I voted no, what your doing is deception. Your using somebody for a green card.

 

[waraabe]

He should have asked his legitimate sons.

are you the illegitimate son

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

Loool you must be joking. I did laugh.

Why would I be jokin' my little kitten. Kaftan ma aha yareey waxaan ee waliidkaadi xishmay intaan dacas madaxaa kaa saarin.

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

I voted no, what your doing is deception.

f*ck outta here man. Every Somali is here by disepshun.

 

[VixR]

Why would I be jokin' my little kitten. Kaftan ma aha yareey waxaan ee waliidkaadi xishmay intaan dacas madaxaa kaa saarin.

You'd be joking bc you don't reap the benefits of parenthood as a shit absentee parent, you're opting out of that dynamic by definition of being absent, so you can tell that one the birds waryahe. That, and whatever the f you said beyond the first sentence

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

loooooooooool...i swear you're hilarious. I know you're baiting me right now and I'm not in the mood to have a back and forth character assassination on SSPOT....but i love reading your posts...their absurd and hilarious at the same time.

You should definitely go into comedy.

No my little rabbit, character assassination is for lowlifes. In any event my character committed suicide a long time ago, so there's not much to assassinate.

I'm just curious. For what it's worth BW is a secularist too.

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

You'd be joking bc you don't reap the benefits of parenthood as a shit absentee parent, you're opting out of that dynamic by definition of being absent, so you can tell that one the birds waryahe. That, and whatever the f you said beyond the first sentence

Abaayo I'm a shit parent too. Kids are trolls. They pee and defecate on you without remorse. I don't feed the little beasts sometimes for days in a row, and only then after I feed the dog.

After all they do to me, you're telling me I can't squeeze a little beer money out of them when they've flown the nest? God save us from atheism.

@ArchBishopofAtheism, listen to what your comrades are saying.

 

[VixR]

Abaayo I'm a shit parent too. Kids are trolls. They pee and defecate on you without remorse. I don't feed the little beasts sometimes for days in a row, and only then after I feed the dog.

After all they do to me, you're telling me I can't squeeze a little beer money out of them when they've flown the nest? God save us from atheism.

@ArchBishopofAtheism, listen to what your comrades are saying.

Your contribution to their lives is equivalent to the nut you busted and wiped away last night onto your cheetah nigis

You're owned nothing.

 

[lone]

are you the illegitimate son

Yes. It doesn’t matter anymore. I am a grown ass man and can fend for myself.

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

You're contribution to their lives is equivalent to the nut you busted and wiped away last night onto your cheetah nigis

You're owned nothing.

A real life social Darwinist folks.

Also, how do you know I wiped it away?

 

[lone]

@Bidaar Wanagsan why are you arguing ?

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

@Bidaar Wanagsan why are you arguing ?

Whatchu mean?

 

[lone]

Whatchu mean?

You are arguing about me and my father.

For your situation
You could always bribe and gain your way through Canada. It is easier to get through Canada than the US.

 

[Bidaar Wanagsan]

You are arguing about me and my father.

Am I? I didn't realize. I thought I was sticking up for dads generically.

 

[lone]

Am I? I didn't realize. I thought I was sticking up for dads generically.

Dead beat dads don’t deserve to be fought for. f*ck them.

 

[laila]

As some of you may know I'm not a naturalized citizen. I've been having some problems lately with my legal status. I wish I didn't lie on my immigration form. I said I was 19 at the time but my glorious bidaar from which light bounces off like a trampoline told another story. I tried to disguise it with a combover, but the massive forehead betrayed me.

Let's be honest though: What Somali has not lied on his asylum claim? So don't act all superior now. I was served my deportation papers last month. I feel like ratting out all these fake refugees who clambered aboard that precarious raft with me on the shores of Bosaaso all those years ago. Any number of them could get me out of this jam by giving me his daughter's hand in marriage, and Mr Wanagsan would be flashing his spanking new EU passport in no time flat, but they claim it's not from them opposition comes, but that as much as they would like to help their Darood brother in his hour of need, their little girls don't find my Barkhad Abdi looks appealing. That's what counts for walaalinimo around here.

I hate young people who are born in the West and have never milked a cow or seen a camel give new meaning to the word hump when in female company; they are spoiled rotten and remind me of a poem we used to recite in Kismayo back when Somalia was the Switzerland of the Horn: wallee waa dad qooqan / kibir sanka u saaran / edeb iyo dhagan celis u baahan.

But it's times like this when I resent having slithered out of the womb during the era of our beloved Siyaad Barre. Life as a failed asylum seeker is not what it could be. Twice I had immigration officers raid my house, but I managed to climb out of the bathroom window just in the nick of time wearing only my leopard print kastuumo I got as a Valentine's from a beauty who found someone better looking and better smelling. My elderly white neighbours were in for quite a surprise when they saw a nekkid African hop over their garden fence with the eagerness of a jihadist at a Yazidi bride market. Alxamdulilah, the malaaika are looking out for me.

Another time I was chased clear across town by two kafir officers who wanted to give me a free helicopter ride to sunny climes. I dropped my groceries in the carpark and took off as soon as I clapped eyes on the merciless goons. The one good thing about my looks is that I'm slim. My pursuers were burly and musclebound, but they were not as fleet footed as I am. Even though I've slowed with age, the miracle is that I could outrun these two fit twentysomethings, proof that Allah, the most high and the most compassionate, can work miracles if you ever needed one.

After I zigzagged my way out of one dark alley after another and left them trailing in the dust, I heard the black one yell "Stop! We just wanna talk." I said "talk to your sister. She's carrying my baby." For some reason that did not endear me to them.

So here's my question. Would you marry someone to allow them to stay in the country? Let's face it, all your mothers and fathers, your uncles and aunts, all the folks who came to the West in the post 1991 exodus have forged papers. Any one of them could be busted tomorrow. Don't we need a collective insurance policy against snitches like the who reported me to the police after we had a bad romance?

This could be you in the dock tomorrow. Hell, I would even marry a fag just to stay. If the highest elected Somali in the US can marry her own brother for a green card and still be the object of reverence whilst in the throes of matrimonial incest, surely one of you tender hearted fellas can let me put a ring on your hairy finger.

I honestly love reading your posts. You are hilarious!

 

[VixR]

Am I? I didn't realize. I thought I was sticking up for dads generically.

Oh no, you don't. All fathers are not created equal. Mothers too, for that matter.