how to go about second wife without burning bridges with the first one

[Aboow]

"*****Somali women go where your appreciated and loved!"



All I see them being divorced after a few kids, and then bashing the Somali community of being racists. I used to see Ummah forum back then 2017 - 2018. You won't believe it but xalimos who initially went to "where they were appreciated" were bashing the Somali community repeatedly. I initially didn't know but later on was explained by other fellow Somali women that those gyals were divorced by their ex-con hubbies. And since they were no longer marketable, they're bashing the Somali community day and night. I quitted that forum as I couldn't put up with their calaacal and constant Somali men and Somali community bashing.

You salafis are just liars please kick rocks! I wouldn’t be surprised if you « introduced » Somali women to marry those revert inmates dayoootttthhhhhh

 

[Man with a garuun]

Arya, you do realise you are debating with people who don't generally subscribe to the same cultural outlook as you? It is a pointless exercise for the most part. Even the FKD section is pointless for you man as they ain't seen what you have seen etc.

Don't waste your time in dead end debates with those generally less long in the tooth than you.

Bro, I am mostly in these forums for entertainment, but I think most here are very young. Some are very entertaining though. So with this pandemic and lockdowns, I'll be around for a few more months and them disappear into wilderness again.

 

[Man with a garuun]

You salafis are just liars please kick rocks! I wouldn’t be surprised if you « introduced » Somali women to marry those revert inmates dayoootttthhhhhh

Take it easy, adeer @Aboow. You can call me uncle @Roorigeg. If my words caused you any discomfort, you have my apology.

 

[anonimo]

Bro, I am mostly in these forums for entertainment, but I think most here are very young. Some are very entertaining though. So with this pandemic and lockdowns, I'll be around for a few more months and them disappear into wilderness again.

Sxb you got teens in this place, nuff said. I seen you FKD them in the allocated section. At least on Somnet, you had Niggas who were hardcore, fluent in Somali and could drop Gabays celebrating historical Karbashes etc.

That being said, may Allah bless you in your endeavour to increase Reer Roorigeg.

 

[Man with a garuun]

Sxb you got teens in this place, nuff said. I seen you FKD them in the allocated section. At least on Somnet, you had Niggas who were hardcore, fluent in Somali and could drop Gabays celebrating historical Karbashes etc.

That being said, may Allah bless you in your endeavour to increase Reer Roorigeg.

Amen

Same to you bro.

 

[Mercury]

You're acting as if every Somali man abandons his family. That is wrong and false assumption. Overwhelming majority are hard-working and take care of their families. Whatever published in social media is just an anomaly, and not a good reflection of the Somali community. You used Dabcasar as an example. I think he does it for the entertainment. I



That is between you and your family. Rest of us have no business of how you choose your life. But strangely enough, it seems those of you who opposed to polygamy are into ajnabi.



What brother @En_Sabah Nur referred to is known as "qudbo-siro", meaning marry a second wife and don't tell the first woman if you think it is gonna break-up the family. In other words, manage your affairs, support both families, and if "qudbo-siro is the only way of achieving it, then do so. That is perfectly fine to some.

I've seen somali men that deliberately choose to work long shifts so they can avoid being around the wife and kids on top of that alot somali men in the community have this belief that the wife's job is to look after the house+ kids and his sole responsibility is to provide which is wrong you're supposed to be there for your wife/kids share the house duties among each other cause marriage is a partnership

 

[Mercury]

??? how does one convince first wife to be on board with this idea?

ladies I specially request your insights.

How much do you love your wife?

Cause if you're looking for other woman it means you dont love her

 

[Man with a garuun]

I've seen somali men that deliberately choose to work long shifts so they can avoid being around the wife and kids on top of that alot somali men in the community have this belief that the wife's job is to look after the house+ kids and his sole responsibility is to provide which is wrong you're supposed to be there for your wife/kids share the house duties among each other cause marriage is a partnership

Are you married? If yes, is your husband a Somali man?

 

[En_Sabah Nur]

I have to disagree with your historical narrative. It was not uncommon for non-Ugaas men to have more than wife, two was more common in actual fact. My Great Grandfather had two wives and he was not a clan leader etc. A poll on this forum would probably reach a similar finding with many of our Great Grandfathers having more than one Bah I bet. Most men who had a decent herd of livestock would take another wife as the years went by, it was the done thing. This Dhaqan is still carried on by present day well off Geeljires who are the best representatives of our nomadic culture. Even urbanised polygamous Somalis with wealth are an example of the continuation of this tradition.

Moreover, your historical reference alluded to this in its opening statement where it is emphasised that polygamy is indispensable among Somalis, it does not indicate it was the sole preserve of clan elites even though they would obviously have a higher number of wives over the course of their lifetime. The more children one had, the more Waran Qaad males a clan had and the higher the chance of one's lineage becoming successful in the future. All Somali males aimed for this and in times of plenty, it was not difficult to acquire a second wife with a healthy herd.

On a separate note, disregarding my initial troll post, polygamy is not advisable in the West in my opinion as it is hard enough to raise one family. If the argument is having more children, then why do many families now restrict the number of children they have by using contraception? Heck it has even become fashion for some Western Somalis to Haramly delay having children straight after marriage because it is not practical to do so or because they want to experience the honeymoon phase of marriage before kids come into the picture.

Many men who seek a second wife do it because of lust which is understandable from a male perspective if the husband and the wife are closer in age when they marry. When the wife hits menopause, the husband is still sexually active and I have observed that a lot of the older traditional generation seek a second wife partly for lustful reasons and partly because it is culturally ingrained to do so as it increase one's lineage. I reckon @Roorigeg subscribes to this way of thinking. Nothing wrong with it religiously or culturally but it is understandably not welcomed by women in general, even more so by the younger generation of females who subscribe to marital fidelity and bonding for life.

Well said. Monogamy has become more of a norm with Somali’s in the west. Historically it was never the norm.

 

[amk2]

This guy succeeded in making a trending thread.
U guys literally arguing about the same topic again and again and again
When will u learn.

 

[amk2]

Why do ladies assume if a man marries another wife he hates his first? Can a man not love multiple women? I love both my wives

Because women project themselves onto men
Women can only truly live one man in a relationship so they will never understand how a man works.
Every man will get multiple wives in jannah, we were created to be polygynous whereas even in jannah women will be monogamous so women are designed to only love one man.

The only problem with polygyny in this dunya is not the polygyny in of itself( As alot of contemporary ppl influenced by culture like to say) but Islamically the problem is treating women correctly in the marriage and holding up their responsibilities, and most men dont even treat their first wife Islamically(This is a fact) so obviously women are going to be skeptical about a random man taking on another wife bc statistically he is more likely to be doing it for the wrong reason.
But this entire reply section is waffle cos its all peoples opinions, the OP should have asked a man whos in polgyny advice and done shuura instead of asking a bunch of strangers on a forum.

 

[amk2]

mostly for utilitarian reasons?

This is wrong, unless ur a sheikh or a student of knowledge pls donot comment on what the prophet ﷺ did, this claim he only did it for political or whatever reasons is all what non-muslims/ppl who hate polygyny say
The prophet ﷺ married women because he loved women and he wanted to do it for the sake of Allah,
saying he married women for utlitarian reasons makes it seem like the wives of the prophet ﷺ are a charity case or just some object that u have pity on
Its ironic that in this entire discourse ppl make it seem like men marry multiple women because they see them as objects (A good chunk of men do do this) and in attempt to reconcile ur own thoughts on polgyny and why the prophet ﷺ and the sahaba did it u water down their entire relationships to just marrying women cos we wanna provide for them etc.., which in of itself is objectifying these woman and making both the sahaba and the sahabiyaat seem like robots instead of people with feelings who actually get married and have relationships because they enjoy the company of one another and improves their iman.
Think before you speak

 

[Shimbiris]

This is wrong, unless ur a sheikh or a student of knowledge pls donot comment on what the prophet ﷺ did, this claim he only did it for political or whatever reasons is all what non-muslims/ppl who hate polygyny say
The prophet ﷺ married women because he loved women and he wanted to do it for the sake of Allah,
saying he married women for utlitarian reasons makes it seem like the wives of the prophet ﷺ are a charity case or just some object that u have pity on
Its ironic that in this entire discourse ppl make it seem like men marry multiple women because they see them as objects (A good chunk of men do do this) and in attempt to reconcile ur own thoughts on polgyny and why the prophet ﷺ and the sahaba did it u water down their entire relationships to just marrying women cos we wanna provide for them etc.., which in of itself is objectifying these woman and making both the sahaba and the sahabiyaat seem like robots instead of people with feelings who actually get married and have relationships because they enjoy the company of one another and improves their iman.
Think before you speak

So you can comment on it and make interpretations and I can't? Guess you're a sheikh? Haye, adeer. Forgive me.

 

[amk2]

Looking at the countless Somali women who are posting their profiles in single matchmaking sites, polygamy is really a solution to this problem. It is actually there to resolve a major societal shortcomings. Islam is truly a religion of mercy.

I dont think polgyny is the solution
The solution is having more resonsible muslim men who are ready for marriage and same for women.
Polygyny is not going to solve all marriage problems, and the men who want to be polgynous are gonna be polgynous whether ppl like it or not cos polgynous men are bosses and dont ask in forums for ppls opinions.

 

[amk2]

So you can comment on it and make interpretations and I can't? Guess you're a sheikh? Haye, adeer. Forgive me.

Can anyone say what they like about the religion now? I guess im not allowed to correct anyone on making false claims about the prophet ﷺ
Can u give me one sheikh that says the prophet ﷺ only marred for political reasons?
The prophet ﷺ said “I was made to love three things from this world – perfume, women, and prayer.’
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The world is enjoyment and the best enjoyment in the world is a righteous wife.”
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, ordered us to get married and he strongly prohibited celibacy for us. The Prophet said, “Marry the loving and fertile. Verily, I will have most followers among the prophets on the Day of Resurrection.”
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” al-Bukhaari (4802)
None of these mention for political reasons only,

 

[amk2]

Cause if you're looking for other woman it means you dont love her

Thats a lie

 

[Shimbiris]

Moreover, your historical reference alluded to this in its opening statement where it is emphasised that polygamy is indispensable among Somalis, it does not indicate it was the sole preserve of clan elites even though they would obviously have a higher number of wives over the course of their lifetime. The more children one had, the more Waran Qaad males a clan had and the higher the chance of one's lineage becoming successful in the future. All Somali males aimed for this and in times of plenty, it was not difficult to acquire a second wife with a healthy herd.

Point I was making, walaal, is that while it clearly wasn't culturally established that only elites and the well-off could do it, that is in essence how it seems to have ended up and is basically what you yourself were proving and saying throughout your text. That this was the activity of men who had the means and I don't see that most men before the 20th century had the means and you do get this impression in his book. Everytime "wives" are mentioned it's a Garaad or Suldaan or well-off merchant and the average everyday nomad abowes don't seem to have more than one wife.

Can anyone say what they like about the religion now? I guess im not allowed to correct anyone on making false claims about the prophet ﷺ
Can u give me one sheikh that says the prophet ﷺ only marred for political reasons?
The prophet ﷺ said “I was made to love three things from this world – perfume, women, and prayer.’
Abdullah ibn Amr reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “The world is enjoyment and the best enjoyment in the world is a righteous wife.”
Anas ibn Malik reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, ordered us to get married and he strongly prohibited celibacy for us. The Prophet said, “Marry the loving and fertile. Verily, I will have most followers among the prophets on the Day of Resurrection.”
“A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” al-Bukhaari (4802)
None of these mention for political reasons only,

Never said for political reasons only. Said that many of the marriages did look like they were clearly or in part for utilitarian reasons. If you don't see that then very well.

 

[amk2]

Point I was making, walaal, is that while it clearly wasn't culturally established that only elites and the well-off could do it, that is in essence how it seems to have ended up and is basically what you yourself were proving and saying throughout your text. That this was the activity of men who had the means and I don't see that most men before the 20th century had the means and you do get this impression in his book. Everytime "wives" are mentioned it's a Garaad or Suldaan or well-off merchant and the average everyday nomad abowes don't seem to have more than one wife.



Never said for political reasons only. Said that many of the marriages did look like they were clearly or in part for utilitarian reasons. If you don't see that then very well.

when u say utilitarian wat do u mean?

 

[Mercury]

Thats a lie

If you love someone than you wouldn't have your eyes on other women the minute you looking for other women it means your not content with your wife

 

[anonimo]

Point I was making, walaal, is that while it clearly wasn't culturally established that only elites and the well-off could do it, that is in essence how it seems to have ended up and is basically what you yourself were proving and saying throughout your text. That this was the activity of men who had the means and I don't see that most men before the 20th century had the means and you do get this impression in his book. Everytime "wives" are mentioned it's a Garaad or Suldaan or well-off merchant and the average everyday nomad abowes don't seem to have more than one wife.

The crux of my argument was that it was more common in the past than today, I should have articulated this better in my opening statements. Taking into account that our population is more urbanised today than it was in the past, it can be logically surmised that polygamy was more commonplace in our predominately nomadic past than it is today. All a nomad required to marry more than one woman was a healthy herd of livestock and this would not have been beyond the reach of many during bountiful times. The majority did not necessarily have more than one wife but a sizeable percentage did, more so than the present in Maxa Tidhi Somalis. Digil Mirifle and Bantus marry multiple wives even when they have little so I am not taking them into consideration. Today, in urban settings, wealth is more concentrated among the few than it was in the past hence there is less equality of opportunity in relation to polygamy.

I agree that Richard Burton discusses important figures when giving a polygamy example in his book but he is quite clear in stating that 'polygamy' is indispensable in Somali society. For instance, he states that old men would frequently marry young girls. The frequency of it does not imply it was necessarily Suldans or rich traders etc. He even elaborates on why polygamy is not suitable for 'civilised races' in contrast to thinly populated Somalia.

I would not advise polygamy amongst highly civilised races, where the sexes are nearly equal, and where reproduction becomes a minor duty. Monogamy is the growth of civilisation: a plurality of wives is the natural condition of man in thinly populated countries, where he who has the largest family is the greatest benefactor of his kind.