Has anyone ever come across Somali parents that don’t let their daughters get married?

[Angelina]

Understandable but not acceptable both the parents and her are in the wrong.

If you know your parents don't want something then why entertain it and get emotionally invested to the point of getting into a relationship behind there backs?

Because her parents don’t want her to marry full stop and marrying is a human right. They have not right to prevent her from marrying in general so that they can use her like a cash cow. Her main issue isn’t even the fact that the second guy is ajnabi. It’s the fact that she’s trying to marry since they also rubbished the Somali guy.

I was speaking in general by the way not specifically to this example in my previous comment. I'm just talking on the sentiment around this.

It reminds me of muslim women chastising muslim men who act out of pocket which is good but getting giddy and supportive when the same sort of disrespectful stuff is done my non muslim men.

This is an example of what I'm talking about

I don’t understand your last point but if a Somali man tried to marry a Somali girl and his parents then said no for no reason just so that they can gain access to his finances, I’d completely understand if she secretly got to know someone else, Somali or ajnabi as they’re at fault for trying to get in the way of something halal just so that they can use his money.

 

[Angelina]

Why didn't she elope with the Mali guy, if she knew beforehand her parents were pressuring her to not get married and stop focusing on men?

Let's agree to disagree here.

And how do you know the Mali guy would have accepted? Do we know the facts? I’m sorry but most self-respecting men would simply walk away if in-laws were saying no when they know deep down they’re a perfect candidate. Somali and earning 100k? Nope I’d find another girl and another family.

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[Karbaaash]

Why didn't she elope with the Mali guy, if she knew beforehand her parents were pressuring her to not get married and stop focusing on men?

Let's agree to disagree here.

They think ur a xoolo and they want too protect their somali sisters image so tomorow, they can ask u for a 20k mehr and a kitten from the ajnabis She wanted to make it Halal with the Mali brother and keep it secret with the ajnabi. If her love was so big for the faraax wudnt she kept that ”secret” hiden? she even is considering marrying the ajnabi without her parents blessing allwhile keepin him a secret. If that aint going 2 war for a ajnabi n puttin him on a pedastal then idk

 

[Odious Delirium]

Because her parents don’t want her to marry full stop and marrying is a human right. They have not right to prevent her from marrying in general so that they can use her like a cash cow. Her main issue isn’t even the fact that the second guy is ajnabi. It’s the fact that she’s trying to marry since they also rubbished the Somali guy.

I don’t understand your last point but if a Somali man tried to marry a Somali girl and his parents then said no for no reason just so that they can gain access to his finances, I’d completely understand if she secretly got to know someone else, Somali or ajnabi as they’re at fault for trying to get in the way of something halal just so that they can use his money.

If she went about it the halal way and got married to the second guy I wouldn't see anything wrong with this scenario since her parents prevented her but why is she getting in a haram relationship when she did it right the first time. Why is she jumping through hoops and going about it wrong with the second guy?

For gaalo and ajnabis some people have laxer standards that's all I was saying.

 

[Chase]

And how do you know the Mali guy would have accepted? Do we know the facts? I’m sorry but most self-respecting me would simply walk away if in-laws were saying no when they know deep down they’re a perfect candidate. Somali and earning 100k? Nope I’d find another girl and another family.

We're not talking about the Mali guy, even if he refused her offer, at least it shows consistency in her expectations and thinking process, I highly doubt she'd be considering it if the guy wasn't Mali, hence the 'fairytale' cliche I was alluding to before.

They think ur a xoolo and they want too protect their somali sisters image so tomorow, they can ask u for a 20k mehr and a kitten from the ajnabis She wanted to make it Halal with the Mali brother and keep it secret with the ajnabi. If her love was so big for the faraax wudnt she kept that hiden? she even wants too marry without the parents blessing to the ajnabi allwhile keeping him ”secret”.

That's what @Angelina can't seem to get, I see where she's coming from, maybe we're jumping the gun here but c'mon, this is a known phenomenon in the Somali community.

 

[Angelina]

Do you hear yourself? cadaan people has boyfriends & secret ons/off, they dont ask for mehr and happily do 50/50. The Faraax should be happy he dodged the bullet, the pedastal is quite clear > Somali girl wanted a nikkah mehr with the faraax. Didnt happen > she cut contact why didnt she turn the ”muslim faraax, into her ”hiden bf”. now she got a ” secret” muslim ajnabi bf.

Her new guy isn’t ajnabi and if she plans to marry him he still has to pay Mehr? OP never said she plans to be with him in secret forever. I’ve never seen a Xalimo marry an ajnabi and not get Mehr. Even the last Cadaan and Xalimo wedding the hall and decor was pretty expensive so the guy clearly paid a lot. I think we need to give these myths a rest.

Also, this story has nothing to do with ajnabis. She isn’t allowed to marry. So why would she rock up to her family a second time for her to be rejected again? Also what proof do you have the Somali guy was willing to do that? Why would a man earning 100k and Somali be okay with rejected for no reason and then forming a side relationship when he can easily find a girl from a normal family and marry?

in her mind like many Somali girls they think the ajnabis hide their ceeb lol. Wallahi just last night on swedish tiktok a congolese exposed a xalimo his friend slept with n said next day she was walking with hijab. Were not kids Angelina we kno what goes on in ur mind u want protect the image of ur sisters and yh das okey.

You’re projecting. That’s my biggest issue. This topic has nothing to do with that but here we go, you’re making it about Xalimos deceiving Faraxs and making them do more. It’s your hidden fears talking and not what this whole story is about.

Yes, her parents got nobody to blame apart from themself, the Faraax dodged a bullet which we both agree. n yes shes spreading her legs or you think her bf is khaniis? stop being gullible.

Read the comments i responded too. Context matter

 

[Angelina]

If she went about it the halal way and got married to the second guy I wouldn't see anything wrong with this scenario since her parents prevented her but why is she getting in a haram relationship when she did it right the first time. Why is she jumping through hoops and going about it wrong with the second guy?

How does one go about it in a halal way without Wali? She’d have to complain, get her uncles involved or the Islamic council which we don’t have in the West? Or she’d have to go to her local mosque and do it without her family.

Her parents rubbished her attempts at doing things halal and ruined that for her. Again, if I was her I’d have done above and I don’t agree with her, but I just don’t understand why there is an overemphasis of him being ajnabi when we know if the second guy was also Somali, they’d be sympathetic and understand her psychology.

For gaalo and ajnabis some people have laxer standards that's all I was saying.

 

[Angelina]

We're not talking about the Mali guy, even if he refused her offer, at least it shows consistency in her expectations and thinking process, I highly doubt she'd be considering it if the guy wasn't Mali, hence the 'fairytale' cliche I was alluding to before.

But we don’t know the back story though? How do you know she still didn’t want to continue with him? You’re projecting, that’s my issue?

That's what @Angelina can't seem to get, I see where she's coming from, maybe we're jumping the gun here but c'mon, this is a known phenomenon in the Somali community.

That’s my point, it isn’t a known phenomenon, it’s men jumping the gun like that situation. I’ve seen a lot of Somali woman ajnabi marriages and in nearly all of them the guy paid Mehr and rented out a hall and the like. I’ve seen many Somali marriages in which the wife hasn’t even received her Mehr yet which also a common thing btw. They tend to give it at divorce or not at all, so I don’t understand the hard done by attitude of men who mostly don’t even give Mehr?!

 

[Odious Delirium]

How does one go about it in a halal way without Wali? She’d have to complain, get her uncles involved or the Islamic council which we don’t have in the West? Or she’d have to go to her local mosque and do it without her family.

Yes she should be doing those things. That's my point but she decided to get into a haram secret relationship beforehand according to op. If someone is gonna jump through hoops do it the halal way not the haram way and she's already causing problems as it is so why not do what she has available when she came originally with that standard of keeping it halal.

 

[Angelina]

Yes she should be doing those things. That's my point but she decided to get into a haram secret relationship beforehand according to op. If someone is gonna jump through hoops do it the halal way not the haram way and she's already causing problems as it is so why not do what she has available when she came originally with that standard of keeping it halal.

Because she never knew her parents would reject the Somali guy? She clearly brought him with confidence and her parents reactions told her otherwise? I’d think that is pretty obvious and OP created that impression as well. Why would you want consistency when the scenarios are very different?

 

[Odious Delirium]

Because she never knew her parents would reject the Somali guy? She clearly brought him with confidence and her parents reactions told her otherwise? I’d think that is pretty obvious and OP created that impression as well. Why would you want consistency when the scenarios are very different?

Because its not much of a stretch to go for a marriage via a imam or a second wali when it's still an option that was my point. Why is her getting into a haram relationship even being justified that's going in the other direction

 

[Angelina]

Because its not much of a stretch to go for a marriage via a imam or a second wali when it's still an option that was my point. Why is her getting into a haram relationship even being justified that's going in the other direction

I’m not justifying, just saying that I see the psychology behind it and that it probably doesn’t have much to do with him being ajnabi. None of those guys would complain if the second guy was Somali. Their whole stick seems to be about his background and not the whole scenario.

 

[Chase]

But we don’t know the back story though? How do you know she still didn’t want to continue with him? You’re projecting, that’s my issue?

That’s my point, it isn’t a known phenomenon, it’s men jumping the gun like that situation. I’ve seen a lot of Somali woman ajnabi marriages and in nearly all of them the guy paid Mehr and rented out a hall and the like. I’ve seen many Somali marriages in which the wife hasn’t even received her Mehr yet which also a common thing btw. They tend to give it at divorce or not at all, so I don’t understand the hard done by attitude of men who mostly don’t even give Mehr?!

Honestly? I was laughing at the situation, if anything I was just happy for the brother.

I didn't particularly care, just made that comment as jest 'it is what it is', nothing serious.

It is a phenomenon, I do believe it's over-exaggerated, but let's not pretend the dynamic isn't there, or that the Somali community isn't dysfunctional with our gender antics.

 

[Angelina]

Honestly? I was laughing at the situation, if anything I was just happy for the brother.

I didn't particularly care, just made that comment as jest 'it is what it is', nothing serious.

It is a phenomenon, I do believe it's over-exaggerated, but let's not pretend the dynamic isn't there, or that the Somali community isn't dysfunctional with our gender antics.

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[Odious Delirium]

None of those guys would complain if the second guy was Somali. Their whole stick seems to be about his background and not the whole scenario.

I would be tho a haram relationship is a haram relationship regardless

Outside of this scenario I just think in general that many women are more lax in there standards towards people who are ajnabis to them

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[Chase]

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Whoa, no one is saying all Somali women married to foreigners are like that, definitely less than half.

In all my life I have never heard of Somali men giving Mehr once divorce is initiated, that's something completely alien to the men and women in my family, all their dahab and gifts were given upfront.

 

[Angelina]

[ would be tho a haram relationship is a haram relationship regardless

Outside of this scenario I just think in general that many women are more lax in there standards towards people who are ajnabis to them

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[Odious Delirium]

Whoa, no one is saying all Somali women married to foreigners are like that, definitely less than half.

In all my life I have never heard of Somali men giving Mehr once divorce is imitated, that's something completely alien to the men and women in my family, all their dahab and gifts were given upfront.

My only source for the late mahr business is literally unironically just Angelina but I'll take her word for it

 

[Angelina]

Whoa, no one is saying all Somali women married to foreigners are like that, definitely less than half.

In all my life I have never heard of Somali men giving Mehr once divorce is imitated, that's something completely alien to the men and women in my family, all their dahab and gifts were given upfront.

Nah it’s a standard cultural practice. Ask anyone in your family. I’m not joking. It’s well known. They don’t pay it unless upon divorce. They simply announce it during the nikkah. Ask any old head.

 

[Angelina]

My only source for the late mahr business is literally unironically just Angelina but I'll take her word for it

Lol, even @TekNiKo mentioned it. Ironically he reminded me. If you don’t believe me, ask your family members.