Somali women only (help!)

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As-salamu alaykum Abaayos,

I'm new to this forum but basically I wanted help from my sisters needed help from my somali sisters.

I'm a 21 year old woman (still struggling to get used to that) and I was raised in the west. I've realised now that I've wasted about 9 years of my life and have zero social skills :(. I either over compensate in a conversation or I end up completely ignoring the person. I've spent most of my summer/winter breaks at home and my parents basically think I'm a loser. I used to do really well in school (high school) and hoped to go into health care (pharmacist) but I ended up changing programs bc I wasn't doing well and now I'm probably going to graduate w/ a useless degree and a subpar gpa. The worst part is that I used to tell myself in high school that I would one day be successful and that being lonely now won't matter but now it was all for nothing.

I also can't speak Af somali and know very little about the deen which just makes more feel even more useless. I'm making slow changes though by praying regularly and reading the quran again since ramadan. I also started doing a little bit of cardio at home to make me a bit more energetic and happy. I also don't have a job because I have nothing to put on my resume (last time a I honestly volunteered was in 2012 and I don't want to lie to get a job). Because of my of my not so great financial situation, I don't have enough money to go out or shop so I usually just isolate myself more. I also don't have any hobbies or watch much shows which makes me even more boring. I've tried to be more outgoing half heartedly but all thats led to is me being a bridge for other people to make friends.

What I wanted to ask you all is how do I break out of this cycle. I've gone through reddit tags and most of the advice was very general and wouldn't apply to me. Ma sha Allah most of the Somali girls that go to my school are very beautiful and outgoing and seem so confident and I'm just the awkward fobish looking one which i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to get to know. Plus most of them know each other and its not like we're kids so you can't just walk to up to one like "Hey si dey tahaay" :kodaksmiley:

I only have a couple of semesters of school left so I want to make the best of it now. I've wasted so much of my youth and I don't want do this any more. Any advice would be much appreciated pls be kind. May Allah grant you all Jannatul Firdaus.
 
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Mercury

Staff Member
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As-salamu alaykum Abaayos,

I'm new to this forum but basically I wanted help from my sisters needed help from my somali sisters.

I'm a 21 year old woman (still struggling to get used to that) and I was raised in the west. I've realised now that I've wasted about 9 years of my life and have zero social skills :(. I either over compensate in a conversation or I end up completely ignoring the person. I've spent most of my summer/winter breaks at home and my parents basically think I'm a loser. I used to do really well in school (high school) and hoped to go into health care (pharmacist) but I ended up changing programs bc I wasn't doing well and now I'm probably going to graduate w/ a useless degree and a subpar gpa. The worst part is that I used to tell myself in high school that I would one day be successful and that being lonely now won't matter but now it was all for nothing.

I also can't speak Af somali and know very little about the deen which just makes more feel even more useless. I'm making slow changes though by praying regularly and reading the quran again since ramadan. I also started doing a little bit of cardio at home to make me a bit more energetic and happy. I also don't have a job because I have nothing to put on my resume (last time a I honestly volunteered was in 2012 and I don't want to lie to get a job). Because of my of my not so great financial situation, I don't have enough money to go out or shop so I usually just isolate myself more. I also don't have any hobbies or watch much shows which makes me even more boring. I've tried to be more outgoing half heartedly but all thats led to is me being a bridge for other people to make friends.

What I wanted to ask you all is how do I break out of this cycle. I've gone through reddit tags and most of the advice was very general and wouldn't apply to me. Ma sha Allah most of the Somali girls that go to my school are very beautiful and outgoing and seem so confident and I'm just the awkward fobish looking one which i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to get to know. Plus most of them know each other and its not like we're kids so you can't just walk to up to one like "Hey si dey tahaay" :kodaksmiley:

I only have a couple of semesters of school left so I want to make the best of it now. I've wasted so much of my youth and I don't want do this any more. Any advice would be much appreciated pls be kind. May Allah grant you all Jannatul Firdaus.
Youre 21 But making it sound like its the end of the world lol no need to focus on all the negative things Like this

Theres ppl doing worse than you
 

SenseSays

Years to look forward to
You said you were making small steps, that's amazing, keep at it and make it a habit. For your situation I would tell you to join a club if you haven't already, maybe an international club or something like it just so you can talk to others. But I want you to know that making other people your priority is self-destructive.

You should not care how others feel about you, you're only 21 so think of things that can help improve yourself and your well-being. Gym membership at the YMCA is only 25 bucks, taking up hobbies like kniting is very therapeutic and cheap too or do some of those adult coloring books (some of my fiends have done that and they tell me it keeps them sane). It's a crime to mentally destroy yourself. The fact that you are graduating with a degree is extremely important, so don't you ever down play that. Keep volunteering, keep praying, it will get better.
 
As-salamu alaykum Abaayos,

I'm new to this forum but basically I wanted help from my sisters needed help from my somali sisters.

I'm a 21 year old woman (still struggling to get used to that) and I was raised in the west. I've realised now that I've wasted about 9 years of my life and have zero social skills :(. I either over compensate in a conversation or I end up completely ignoring the person. I've spent most of my summer/winter breaks at home and my parents basically think I'm a loser. I used to do really well in school (high school) and hoped to go into health care (pharmacist) but I ended up changing programs bc I wasn't doing well and now I'm probably going to graduate w/ a useless degree and a subpar gpa. The worst part is that I used to tell myself in high school that I would one day be successful and that being lonely now won't matter but now it was all for nothing.

I also can't speak Af somali and know very little about the deen which just makes more feel even more useless. I'm making slow changes though by praying regularly and reading the quran again since ramadan. I also started doing a little bit of cardio at home to make me a bit more energetic and happy. I also don't have a job because I have nothing to put on my resume (last time a I honestly volunteered was in 2012 and I don't want to lie to get a job). Because of my of my not so great financial situation, I don't have enough money to go out or shop so I usually just isolate myself more. I also don't have any hobbies or watch much shows which makes me even more boring. I've tried to be more outgoing half heartedly but all thats led to is me being a bridge for other people to make friends.

What I wanted to ask you all is how do I break out of this cycle. I've gone through reddit tags and most of the advice was very general and wouldn't apply to me. Ma sha Allah most of the Somali girls that go to my school are very beautiful and outgoing and seem so confident and I'm just the awkward fobish looking one which i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to get to know. Plus most of them know each other and its not like we're kids so you can't just walk to up to one like "Hey si dey tahaay" :kodaksmiley:

I only have a couple of semesters of school left so I want to make the best of it now. I've wasted so much of my youth and I don't want do this any more. Any advice would be much appreciated pls be kind. May Allah grant you all Jannatul Firdaus.
So I know exactly how to get out of this, your university probably as a spot maybe in your student center that all the somalis congregate. The easiest way to make friends is to just bum around a place for long enough, and u won't know someone doesn't wanna be your friend until you try. Dont even talk your first time there, just linger for an hour an don't put in headphones. Boom u'll have a cry of ciyaal suiqiin in no time
 
YMCA Is great place you can exercise, also they will help you in job search. (Tim Horton, fast food)Second, take nursing degree 2 years at any college(you have to pass the English and biology exam 70%)
 
Youre 21 But making it sound like its the end of the world lol no need to focus on all the negative things Like this

Theres ppl doing worse than you
Lool I'll admit it does. I just felt like I hit rock bottom today when all my siblings+parents had plans these last couple of days and I was the only one stuck at home. I just don't want to be seen as the family loner and its worse when your a girl. I also had higher expectations of where I wanted to be by now.
 
Salaam, A young lady who has managed to excel in her studies and is graduating with a degree despite having some difficulties in school. A determined person who realizes that success depends on a good education & determination. A young lady who loves to spend time with her family, has cultural pride wants to learn more about her language, & has no jealousy of the beautiful young women who go to her school. A person who turns to exercise & her faith when she feels lonely instead of turning to drugs and bad friends. A young lady who has never given anyone the chance to pressure her or take advantage of her in anyway. A 21 year old who understands the value of money & won't spend money she doesn't have. Masha'Allah you sound like a great person and any parent would be lucky to have you as a daughter. You don't sound like a loser. You just sound like someone who is bored and feels left out. At 21 you have plenty of time to catch up ;). You are not alone, we've all been there, I met people who on the outside seem like they have it all but really feel extremely depressed & lonely. Building the life you want for yourself takes a lot of patience with rejection. Most people actually spend most of their lives losing instead of winning. The struggle is what makes life beautiful. I think the problem is mostly your mindset. Having a positive mindset & challenging negative thinking will help you overcome your feelings of loneliness.Carol Dweck book " Mindset" is very helpful her book teaches you how to develop a growth mindset to improve your work, attitudes about failure, and your personal relationships. If you don't like reading there are lots of free cognitive behavioral therapy videos online. I would recommend that you keep doing the positive things you are already doing(school, exercise, Quran, spending time with your family). Start to focus on small goals like finding enjoyable activities; attending free events at your uni, doing your cadio at a nice park, & visiting a new restaurant or coffee shop. You could make small talk with the people who work at these places. Volunteer work or a part time job that requires a lot of interaction & customer service is a great place to interact with new people. You could also try to attend lectures at a different Mosque you haven't visited. Every struggle that we have to overcome is something Allah has already prescribed for us. Right now there are a lot of lonely Muslims in nursing homes, hospitals, homeless shelters, new converts in mosques, kids who get bullied & feel discouraged, & refugees who want to build new lives for themselves. When you understand how to overcome the negative feeling that are holding you back, you will be able to positively impact other people who are suffering in the same way. It is not easy being a black Muslim in the west & it is very easy to feel isolated & like you don't belong. You are already doing great in life keep working on yourself & don't ever give up offering sincere prayers to Allah, His guidance never fails us.
 
You said you were making small steps, that's amazing, keep at it and make it a habit. For your situation I would tell you to join a club if you haven't already, maybe an international club or something like it just so you can talk to others. But I want you to know that making other people your priority is self-destructive.

You should not care how others feel about you, you're only 21 so think of things that can help improve yourself and your well-being. Gym membership at the YMCA is only 25 bucks, taking up hobbies like kniting is very therapeutic and cheap too or do some of those adult coloring books (some of my fiends have done that and they tell me it keeps them sane). It's a crime to mentally destroy yourself. The fact that you are graduating with a degree is extremely important, so don't you ever down play that. Keep volunteering, keep praying, it will get better.
I'm going to join a club for sure when I start my fall 2017 semester. I have terrible time management skills and it takes me a lot longer than it should to study for tests and I can barely do more than one thing in a day (ex. I'll spend one day cleaning, 3 days studying etc). Part of that is just lack of energy but I don't know how much of that is just me not being good at retaining information.

I was always the family favourite (I probably still am since I'm the oldest and only girl) and I always put my self worth into my parents. I love my parents and I wanted so badly to make their lives easier and I don't think thats going to happen any time soon. As I got older I started to put my self worth into other people (which led to me being a pushover) and now its gotten to the point where if I talk to a cashier I'll keep replaying the conversation over and over in my head.

I know I shouldn't but as twisted as it sounds I believe the way people see you is a good reflection of who you are. For instance 10 people think your weird and these 10 people know you personally in varying degrees (ex. close friend-->acquaintance) then you might not be weird. However, if you encounter another group of 10 people and another and another over the course of 10 years and they same the same thing then your probably weird.

Anyways, I use to do loom knitting for the homeless in high school so I might start doing that again.
 
Salaam, A young lady who has managed to excel in her studies and is graduating with a degree despite having some difficulties in school. A determined person who realizes that success depends on a good education & determination. A young lady who loves to spend time with her family, has cultural pride wants to learn more about her language, & has no jealousy of the beautiful young women who go to her school. A person who turns to exercise & her faith when she feels lonely instead of turning to drugs and bad friends. A young lady who has never given anyone the chance to pressure her or take advantage of her in anyway. A 21 year old who understands the value of money & won't spend money she doesn't have. Masha'Allah you sound like a great person and any parent would be lucky to have you as a daughter. You don't sound like a loser. You just sound like someone who is bored and feels left out. At 21 you have plenty of time to catch up ;). You are not alone, we've all been there, I met people who on the outside seem like they have it all but really feel extremely depressed & lonely. Building the life you want for yourself takes a lot of patience with rejection. Most people actually spend most of their lives losing instead of winning. The struggle is what makes life beautiful. I think the problem is mostly your mindset. Having a positive mindset & challenging negative thinking will help you overcome your feelings of loneliness.Carol Dweck book " Mindset" is very helpful her book teaches you how to develop a growth mindset to improve your work, attitudes about failure, and your personal relationships. If you don't like reading there are lots of free cognitive behavioral therapy videos online. I would recommend that you keep doing the positive things you are already doing(school, exercise, Quran, spending time with your family). Start to focus on small goals like finding enjoyable activities; attending free events at your uni, doing your cadio at a nice park, & visiting a new restaurant or coffee shop. You could make small talk with the people who work at these places. Volunteer work or a part time job that requires a lot of interaction & customer service is a great place to interact with new people. You could also try to attend lectures at a different Mosque you haven't visited. Every struggle that we have to overcome is something Allah has already prescribed for us. Right now there are a lot of lonely Muslims in nursing homes, hospitals, homeless shelters, new converts in mosques, kids who get bullied & feel discouraged, & refugees who want to build new lives for themselves. When you understand how to overcome the negative feeling that are holding you back, you will be able to positively impact other people who are suffering in the same way. It is not easy being a black Muslim in the west & it is very easy to feel isolated & like you don't belong. You are already doing great in life keep working on yourself & don't ever give up offering sincere prayers to Allah, His guidance never fails us.
I actually brought tears to my eyes Ms Munroe and helped put a lot in perspective :frdfvsb:. The hardest part about going back to the deen was releasing I was actual capable of being a practicing Muslim and can make mistakes as long as just repent afters. Accepting that I can make mistakes in other stuff is whats really hard for me. I'll make sure to look for that book

May Allah reward you and your family.
 
YMCA Is great place you can exercise, also they will help you in job search. (Tim Horton, fast food)Second, take nursing degree 2 years at any college(you have to pass the English and biology exam 70%)
Lol the reason why I picked pharmacy as a career choice when I was in high school was to avoid touching people so I don't think nursing is the best choice for me. Plus I know a lot of people who worked in nursing for a couple of years and then went into other fields because of the physical toll it took on their bodies.
 

SenseSays

Years to look forward to
I'm going to join a club for sure when I start my fall 2017 semester. I have terrible time management skills and it takes me a lot longer than it should to study for tests and I can barely do more than one thing in a day (ex. I'll spend one day cleaning, 3 days studying etc). Part of that is just lack of energy but I don't know how much of that is just me not being good at retaining information.

I was always the family favourite (I probably still am since I'm the oldest and only girl) and I always put my self worth into my parents. I love my parents and I wanted so badly to make their lives easier and I don't think thats going to happen any time soon. As I got older I started to put my self worth into other people (which led to me being a pushover) and now its gotten to the point where if I talk to a cashier I'll keep replaying the conversation over and over in my head.

I know I shouldn't but as twisted as it sounds I believe the way people see you is a good reflection of who you are. For instance 10 people think your weird and these 10 people know you personally in varying degrees (ex. close friend-->acquaintance) then you might not be weird. However, if you encounter another group of 10 people and another and another over the course of 10 years and they same the same thing then your probably weird.

Anyways, I use to do loom knitting for the homeless in high school so I might start doing that again.
Goodness, we're alike to a T. I know it feels as if you've hit rock bottom but you have got to be patient with yourself. Just stay focused because time flies before you know it.

I'm 21 (turning 22 but I mentally feel like I'm 19... I ain't ready for life yet) I'm the oldest too so pressure to make my family proud and comfortable is real and I understand that. I've put my time and efforts in my studies and work, I honestly don't have time to make any friends but I've always told myself that they'll come naturally if you let yourself be who you are and hopefully they won't find me as weird too.

I honestly think you joining the clubs would really help improve you socially. Talking to new people that you are not familiar with is a good challenge. Don't forget to visit the masjid once in awhile to pray.
 
So I know exactly how to get out of this, your university probably as a spot maybe in your student center that all the somalis congregate. The easiest way to make friends is to just bum around a place for long enough, and u won't know someone doesn't wanna be your friend until you try. Dont even talk your first time there, just linger for an hour an don't put in headphones. Boom u'll have a cry of ciyaal suiqiin in no time
LOOL ngl I'm the type to sprint back home once the lectures are over. Plus that type of behaviour only attracts the guys if your good looking. I think I'm going to start by doing some homework on campus and then slowly creep into their circle:****aanyosmile:
 
Goodness, we're alike to a T. I know it feels as if you've hit rock bottom but you have got to be patient with yourself. Just stay focused because time flies before you know it.

I'm 21 (turning 22 but I mentally feel like I'm 19... I ain't ready for life yet) I'm the oldest too so pressure to make my family proud and comfortable is real and I understand that. I've put my time and efforts in my studies and work, I honestly don't have time to make any friends but I've always told myself that they'll come naturally if you let yourself be who you are and hopefully they won't find me as weird too.

I honestly think you joining the clubs would really help improve you socially. Talking to new people that you are not familiar with is a good challenge. Don't forget to visit the masjid once in awhile to pray.
I hope I don't sound xaasid but I'm glad there's someone else who feels like this and is somali too. It just seems like our ppl in our age group are so outgoing and I'm nothing like. Don't know why but most Somalis intimidate the crap out of me. I have one old friend in my program who knows a lot of people so I might just stick around campus this semester and hang out w/ her. In sha Allah you won't feel like this for long.
 
I actually brought tears to my eyes Ms Munroe and helped put a lot in perspective :frdfvsb:. The hardest part about going back to the deen was releasing I was actual capable of being a practicing Muslim and can make mistakes as long as just repent afters. Accepting that I can make mistakes in other stuff is whats really hard for me. I'll make sure to look for that book

May Allah reward you and your family.
I will keep you in my dua abaayo. May Allah grant you with the ability to succeed in all of your goals <3. I'm 24 now so I know it's not easy growing up & learning to go easy on yourself. Insha'Allah it will get easier overtime. I'm glad I could help.
 

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As-salamu alaykum Abaayos,

I'm new to this forum but basically I wanted help from my sisters needed help from my somali sisters.

I'm a 21 year old woman (still struggling to get used to that) and I was raised in the west. I've realised now that I've wasted about 9 years of my life and have zero social skills :(. I either over compensate in a conversation or I end up completely ignoring the person. I've spent most of my summer/winter breaks at home and my parents basically think I'm a loser. I used to do really well in school (high school) and hoped to go into health care (pharmacist) but I ended up changing programs bc I wasn't doing well and now I'm probably going to graduate w/ a useless degree and a subpar gpa. The worst part is that I used to tell myself in high school that I would one day be successful and that being lonely now won't matter but now it was all for nothing.

I also can't speak Af somali and know very little about the deen which just makes more feel even more useless. I'm making slow changes though by praying regularly and reading the quran again since ramadan. I also started doing a little bit of cardio at home to make me a bit more energetic and happy. I also don't have a job because I have nothing to put on my resume (last time a I honestly volunteered was in 2012 and I don't want to lie to get a job). Because of my of my not so great financial situation, I don't have enough money to go out or shop so I usually just isolate myself more. I also don't have any hobbies or watch much shows which makes me even more boring. I've tried to be more outgoing half heartedly but all thats led to is me being a bridge for other people to make friends.

What I wanted to ask you all is how do I break out of this cycle. I've gone through reddit tags and most of the advice was very general and wouldn't apply to me. Ma sha Allah most of the Somali girls that go to my school are very beautiful and outgoing and seem so confident and I'm just the awkward fobish looking one which i'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to get to know. Plus most of them know each other and its not like we're kids so you can't just walk to up to one like "Hey si dey tahaay" :kodaksmiley:

I only have a couple of semesters of school left so I want to make the best of it now. I've wasted so much of my youth and I don't want do this any more. Any advice would be much appreciated pls be kind. May Allah grant you all Jannatul Firdaus.
If you have family members like cousins or something around,you could ask them to introduce you to their friends,i'm not a counselor or anything and I've noticed i have broken the first rule of this thread but hey it might just work.:kanyeshrug::kanyeshrug:
 
LOOL ngl I'm the type to sprint back home once the lectures are over. Plus that type of behaviour only attracts the guys if your good looking. I think I'm going to start by doing some homework on campus and then slowly creep into their circle:****aanyosmile:
No harm in doing light hw in a social environment, I swear you'll blink and realize you already have a crew of halimos. You just have to be brave enough to step in, and even then there're always new ppl and you shouldn't feel like the only outsider, everyone prob feels that way about an unfamiliar environment, I know I did. As for a man, expanding your circle and knowing men even as friends might lead you to the right person. I know I love being with people and hate to feel alone, but everyone feels lonely once in awhile. Nothing wrong with that, there is something wrong with not changing your behaviors and expecting a different outcome though.
 
You are only 21 years old go easy on yourself.you don't have to be outgoing accept yourself for who are since everyone has unique person personality.As for your resume you should utilize your school's career center.
 
Salaaam alkiuam

firstly I applaud you for sharing this. I would advise you to join a Muslim group either at university or at masjid and get to know them and go to halal social events. Also pray hard and make Duaaa make sure you stay away from sins for sins block blessings.
 
I don't have a alot of friends. I am what they call a loner too but I am happy with it. I am 20. I am all about focusing on my studies. My siblings are my only friends. You sound like a lovely person don't change for anyone. I use to have a best friend but she moved to another city. I maintained contact on social media but she made new friends and slowly stopped talking to me. I was surprised that she didn't do her part to keep our friendship going.

Alhamdulilah I have lots of siblings I hang out with them. I have also discovered a passion for baking. You should find a hobby you enjoy and stick with it. I hope you have a blessed happy year.
 
Salaam, A young lady who has managed to excel in her studies and is graduating with a degree despite having some difficulties in school. A determined person who realizes that success depends on a good education & determination. A young lady who loves to spend time with her family, has cultural pride wants to learn more about her language, & has no jealousy of the beautiful young women who go to her school. A person who turns to exercise & her faith when she feels lonely instead of turning to drugs and bad friends. A young lady who has never given anyone the chance to pressure her or take advantage of her in anyway. A 21 year old who understands the value of money & won't spend money she doesn't have. Masha'Allah you sound like a great person and any parent would be lucky to have you as a daughter. You don't sound like a loser. You just sound like someone who is bored and feels left out. At 21 you have plenty of time to catch up ;). You are not alone, we've all been there, I met people who on the outside seem like they have it all but really feel extremely depressed & lonely. Building the life you want for yourself takes a lot of patience with rejection. Most people actually spend most of their lives losing instead of winning. The struggle is what makes life beautiful. I think the problem is mostly your mindset. Having a positive mindset & challenging negative thinking will help you overcome your feelings of loneliness.Carol Dweck book " Mindset" is very helpful her book teaches you how to develop a growth mindset to improve your work, attitudes about failure, and your personal relationships. If you don't like reading there are lots of free cognitive behavioral therapy videos online. I would recommend that you keep doing the positive things you are already doing(school, exercise, Quran, spending time with your family). Start to focus on small goals like finding enjoyable activities; attending free events at your uni, doing your cadio at a nice park, & visiting a new restaurant or coffee shop. You could make small talk with the people who work at these places. Volunteer work or a part time job that requires a lot of interaction & customer service is a great place to interact with new people. You could also try to attend lectures at a different Mosque you haven't visited. Every struggle that we have to overcome is something Allah has already prescribed for us. Right now there are a lot of lonely Muslims in nursing homes, hospitals, homeless shelters, new converts in mosques, kids who get bullied & feel discouraged, & refugees who want to build new lives for themselves. When you understand how to overcome the negative feeling that are holding you back, you will be able to positively impact other people who are suffering in the same way. It is not easy being a black Muslim in the west & it is very easy to feel isolated & like you don't belong. You are already doing great in life keep working on yourself & don't ever give up offering sincere prayers to Allah, His guidance never fails us.
Wow your advice was amazing.
 
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