Opinions on secret marriages?

[TekNiKo]

This true story I came across on somalifaces page is a great example


"It happened two years ago. I was 16 years old when I fell in love for the first time with someone who lived in the same city as I, and it was my most painful experience. He suggested that we enter into a secret marriage (qudbo sirro) as opposed to a traditional marriage so that we can become a family. I was a student that lived with her family. Because I was in love with him, I was willing to do anything just to be with him. The next day, he brought two witnesses, and we were legally though secretly married. We became a secret family and lived happily as one until I fell ill. I went to the doctor, and he told me that I was several weeks pregnant. Overjoyed, I immediately rang my husband and told him the news. He became angry and told me never to contact him again, that the child was not his and that if I ever told anyone about it, I'd be in trouble. Only God knows how I felt that day. My world came crashing down. For a year and a half, I lived in a hellish situation; of insecurity, intolerable anxiety, no money and other things that I can't mention to you. Sometimes, out of desperation, I'd call him, sobbing like mad, begging him just to tell his family that the child is his, divorce me and that I will raise the child on my own. It felt like my words fell on deaf on ears. He never listened. I contacted his sisters, and they gave me the same treatment, telling me that their brother was already engaged and that they can't destroy his future. My brothers eventually found out that I was pregnant. Out of anger, they threatened to kill me, so I fled. I escaped from home, from my stable existence and sought shelter at a city council. I was temporarily placed in a camp that helps discriminated women. They granted me permission to stay there until I give birth. After a while, my contractions started and I passed out. I awoke a day later in a hospital. The doctors and nurses told me that I gave birth to the most beautiful girl that they have ever seen. I was over the moon, but it was short-lived. An hour later, the same doctors told me that my daughter had breathing complications and died. I falsely assumed that my days of hardship and despair would be behind me until they told me that awful news. I'm still recovering now. Secret marriages have destroyed many lives."

(Nairobi, Kenya)

The guy is evil and will face the wrath of God for abandoning this woman and his child. But why label all secret marriages will go down this route. Gross exaggeration

 

[TooMacaan]

This true story I came across on somalifaces page is a great example


"It happened two years ago. I was 16 years old when I fell in love for the first time with someone who lived in the same city as I, and it was my most painful experience. He suggested that we enter into a secret marriage (qudbo sirro) as opposed to a traditional marriage so that we can become a family. I was a student that lived with her family. Because I was in love with him, I was willing to do anything just to be with him. The next day, he brought two witnesses, and we were legally though secretly married. We became a secret family and lived happily as one until I fell ill. I went to the doctor, and he told me that I was several weeks pregnant. Overjoyed, I immediately rang my husband and told him the news. He became angry and told me never to contact him again, that the child was not his and that if I ever told anyone about it, I'd be in trouble. Only God knows how I felt that day. My world came crashing down. For a year and a half, I lived in a hellish situation; of insecurity, intolerable anxiety, no money and other things that I can't mention to you. Sometimes, out of desperation, I'd call him, sobbing like mad, begging him just to tell his family that the child is his, divorce me and that I will raise the child on my own. It felt like my words fell on deaf on ears. He never listened. I contacted his sisters, and they gave me the same treatment, telling me that their brother was already engaged and that they can't destroy his future. My brothers eventually found out that I was pregnant. Out of anger, they threatened to kill me, so I fled. I escaped from home, from my stable existence and sought shelter at a city council. I was temporarily placed in a camp that helps discriminated women. They granted me permission to stay there until I give birth. After a while, my contractions started and I passed out. I awoke a day later in a hospital. The doctors and nurses told me that I gave birth to the most beautiful girl that they have ever seen. I was over the moon, but it was short-lived. An hour later, the same doctors told me that my daughter had breathing complications and died. I falsely assumed that my days of hardship and despair would be behind me until they told me that awful news. I'm still recovering now. Secret marriages have destroyed many lives."

(Nairobi, Kenya)

What a heartbreaking story. I think this is one of the more extreme circumstances, but something to be wary of nonetheless. The bolded is a definite red flag, what kind of reasoning is that lol...? He essentially deceived her...knowing full well that she had different intentions for their future (even thought the girl was dumb/naive to go along with it). It's a false promise at the end of the day. How can anyone consider this to be 'halal'??

 

[YoungFarah]

The guy is evil and will face the wrath of God for abandoning this woman and his child. But why label all secret marriages will go down this route. Gross exaggeration

100% agree better have a secret marriage than commuting zina right? A huge portion of Somalis already have sex before marriage and growing up in the west it is really hard to control ones sexual desires.

 

[YoungFarah]

What a heartbreaking story. I think this is one of the more extreme circumstances, but something to be wary of nonetheless. The bolded is a definite red flag, what kind of reasoning is that lol...? He essentially deceived her...knowing full well that she had different intentions for their future (even thought the girl was dumb/naive to go along with it). It's a false promise at the end of the day. How can anyone consider this to be 'halal'??

All qudhbo siros end up this way as some may lead onto marriage later on in life. This is the worst possible outcome of secret marriages as a lot of people are happy in them.

 

[Sarah136]

The guy is evil and will face the wrath of God for abandoning this woman and his child. But why label all secret marriages will go down this route. Gross exaggeration

I don't know what Madhab you follow but there are clear hadiths on this matter. Nikaax without the wali is void!

Secret marriages are also not common within the Somali community,its degrading and as proven in that story it's the woman that face the consequences and backlash from her people!

 

[YoungFarah]

I don't know what Madhab you follow but there are clear hadiths on this matter. Nikaax without the wali is void!

Secret marriages are also not common within the Somali community,its degrading and as proven in that story it's the woman that face the consequences and backlash from her people!

I am not disagreeing with you walaal. I follow the shafi'i madhab that all Somalis follow. I also don't know where you live but in London it is very common in the 17-25 age group of the Somali community. Even some FOBs from Somalia have had qudhbo siro.

 

[Sarah136]

I am not disagreeing with you walaal. I follow the shafi'i madhab that all Somalis follow. I also don't know where you live but in London it is very common in the 17-25 age group of the Somali community. Even some FOBs from Somalia have had qudhbo siro.

Can you please post daleel?

 

[YoungFarah]

Can you please post daleel?

For what? I don't think it is right I just posted it so people can discuss

 

[Sarah136]

For what? I don't think it is right I just posted it so people can discuss

You mentioned that the shaafi'i scholars hold it to be permissible to marry a girl without her wali persnission,which Hadith or Quran verse do they use as daleel?

 

[YoungFarah]

I haven't I said the hanafi do not us shafi'i. I only mentioned that I'm shafi'i.

 

[TooMacaan]

All qudhbo siros end up this way as some may lead onto marriage later on in life. This is the worst possible outcome of secret marriages as a lot of people are happy in them.

Perhaps. You have to admit that it still leaves too much room for exploitation however (and women will disproportionately receive the short end of the stick in this dynamic). The cost/benefit should be equal for both parties. Why not just have a traditional wedding...but make it less of a spectacle?

What's the real purpose of a qudhbo siro...? To allow the man to legally have his fun while also giving him the option to escape his responsibilities??

 

[YoungFarah]

Perhaps. You have to admit that it still leaves too much room for exploitation however (and women will disproportionately receive the short end of the stick in this dynamic). The cost/benefit should be equal for both parties. Why not just have a traditional wedding...but make it less of a spectacle?

What's the real purpose of a qudhbo siro...? To allow the man to legally have his fun while also giving him the option to escape his responsibilities??

It's true that women usually end up getting the shorter stick but your viewpoint on qudhbo siro on the behalf of women is as if they don't have the freedom or desire to want to have a secret marriage for multiple reasons. It seems to me that you have the traditional viewpoint of women getting married for financial security etc. What if some women desire to be part of a secret marriage? Ans why do you assume women can't have fun in this.

 

[TekNiKo]

Please read this article on nikah misyar. Some scholars believe wali is NOT a prerequisite for valid marriage

(nikah misyar)



http://www.daruliftaa.com/node/6159

 

[SomaliWadaniSoldier]

I know a guy who does this. I disapprove of this bidah.
Because the prophet pbuh didnt do that, and same with sahaba. None of them did that.

Their marriages were known.

We have to be honest to our women.
Prophet PBUH clearly commanded to be good to women.
Is their goodness in hiding sexwives from them?
Even for a single guy it is haram to marry secret.

 

[TooMacaan]

It's true that women usually end up getting the shorter stick but your viewpoint on qudhbo siro on the behalf of women is as if they don't have the freedom or desire to want to have a secret marriage for multiple reasons. It seems to me that you have the traditional viewpoint of women getting married for financial security etc. What if some women desire to be part of a secret marriage? Ans why do you assume women can't have fun in this.

No, I actually don't share the traditional view of marriage. I dislike the marriage institution in both Eastern cultures and Western cultures, they're both skewed to serve one party over the other. In regards to qudhbo siro, I'm just looking at it from the perspective of the average woman in today's reality ..and the common risks that generally apply (as the rules of biology will always exist).

1) What are the multiple reasons for desiring a secret marriage?
2) Can you tell me what the long term benefit of a secret marriage for women is?
3) Although a woman may desire it, as I have previously acknowledged, is it rational for the average woman to enter such a marriage??
Nothing in life has guarantees, ofc, but this practice adds more risks than is necessary.

 

[jugjugwacwac]

Soomaalidu waxay ku maahmaahdaa 'wixii la qariyoba qudhun baa ku jira'.

 

[YoungFarah]

No, I actually don't share the traditional view of marriage. I dislike the marriage institution in both Eastern cultures and Western cultures, they're both skewed to serve one party over the other. In regards to qudhbo siro, I'm just looking at it from the perspective of the average woman in today's reality ..and the common risks that generally apply (as the rules of biology will always exist).

1) What are the multiple reasons for desiring a secret marriage?
2) Can you tell me what the long term benefit of a secret marriage for women is?
3) Although a woman may desire it, as I have previously acknowledged, is it rational for the average woman to enter such a marriage??
Nothing in life has guarantees, ofc, but this practice adds more risks than is necessary.

People desire secret marriages because they want to express themselves sexually especially when they are young and cannot financially get married and aren't ready for children and everything to do with marriage.

I can't speak for women but I think that in the long term there are some benefits to having secret marriage such as seeing sexual compatibility, not commuting zina etc.

Finally I don't know if it is rational for a woman to enter such a relationship but if she wants to she may.

 

[Malcolm X]

It's a lot more pragmatic, especially if you want to keep things low key. When it's time you can give her a 2-year-late xaflad and go through the whole charade.

I see it as a win-win and can definitely see the appeal of it

I don't see point. You can still have a normal marriage with no party.

I'm happy to be proven wrong but the only kind of people who would want a secret marriage are:

1. Doesn't want their family to be involved.

2. Are already married.

3. Doesn't want the marriage to last forever. For example the other half could be smoking hot but is dumb or has other conflicting future life plans.

4. Embarrassment.

Before you ask, a marriage with no party is not a secret marriage. It doesn't cost a lot of money.

 

[YoungFarah]

I don't see point. You can still have a normal marriage with no party.

I'm happy to be proven wrong but the only kind of people who would want a secret marriage are:

1. Doesn't want their family to be involved.

2. Are already married.

3. Doesn't want the marriage to last forever. For example the other half could be smoking hot but is dumb or has other conflicting future life plans.

4. Embarrassment.

Before you ask, a marriage with no party is not a secret marriage. It doesn't cost a lot of money.

Yh most of the people I know come under those categories

 

[black]

I don't see point. You can still have a normal marriage with no party.

I'm happy to be proven wrong but the only kind of people who would want a secret marriage are:

1. Doesn't want their family to be involved.

2. Are already married.

3. Doesn't want the marriage to last forever. For example the other half could be smoking hot but is dumb or has other conflicting future life plans.

4. Embarrassment.

Before you ask, a marriage with no party is not a secret marriage. It doesn't cost a lot of money.

I'm conflating secret with really low key. I don't view a marriage where you run away/marry without permission as valid. My mind ran off with the whole single-but-married (living apart etc.) Utopian dream.