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Emotionally distant fathers

Life is sad everywhere. If I focus on the negative I will not move on. I read somewhere that you can't change the world but you change someone's world. It gives courage to succeed and help people however you can.
You’re a sweet person nice to know people like you exist. All the best.
 
I’m sorry you have/had experience this isn’t easy.
Thank you.

Thanks sis. Sometimes it’s just mentally draining to deal with all the insecurities my parents have given me growing up. I don’t think my father is willing to listen to my complaints but inshallah I’ll try to find inner peace through prayer and dua.

My mother is also problematic, but she’s def better than my father. She at least cares and shows me affection from time to time. But it’s good to know that you and your siblings turned out alright even with a weak father figure. So many Somalis have absent or disappointing dads.
Yeah my mom is a little distant and bad tempered half the time, but it's understandable considering she's basically a single parent. She's the strongest person I know though. I wish things went differently for her.


I think our parents suffer from mental issues and PTSD from the war, and they don't have an outlet to talk about and process that stuff. It's sad.
 
Thank you.



Yeah my mom is a little distant and bad tempered half the time, but it's understandable considering she's basically a single parent. She's the strongest person I know though. I wish things went differently for her.


I think our parents suffer from mental issues and PTSD from the war, and they don't have an outlet to talk about and process that stuff. It's sad.
You’re welcome. That’s exactly what I was thinking. Especially since mental health can be taboo in our culture. But thankfully slowly but surely being recognised.
 
Physical or emotional pain is in inevitable, unavoidable and most of the times necessary for your growth, but suffering is completely optional and of your own making.

The greatest difficulty about pain is not the pain itself but your reaction to it and your interpretation of it, both of these are in your realm of control, hence why suffering is optional.

Your lucky that you have a father who is present, the majority of girls your age don't, many more don't even know who there father is, while others wished he was still alive.

There are good reasons as to why your father is like that, you stated he is disappointed in you, while you blame him for your insecurities that is making you seek approval from male's other then your own Father, why on earth would you not seek his?

This is double talk and selfishness which hinders foresight and destroys empathy, the problem to me based on what you wrote is you not your father or mother.

To expect them to pamper you while you disappoint them and refuse to listen is lunacy, you would have ended up worse, highly entitled, weak and ungrateful, this is all worse then the "insecurities" you complain about.

Be the daughter your father wants you to be and if your confused what that entails, enquire about this when the moment is right and he is in a relaxed mood.

It's not there fault for not knowing how pathetically weak this new generation is, mind you there own fathers who raised them (your grandfather) were fighting colonialists, those are the tough kind of households they were raised in.
 
Physical or emotional pain is in inevitable, unavoidable and most of the times necessary for your growth, but suffering is completely optional and of your own making.

The greatest difficulty about pain is not the pain itself but your reaction to it and your interpretation of it, both of these are in your realm of control, hence why suffering is optional.

Your lucky that you have a father who is present, the majority of girls your age don't, many more don't even know who there father is, while others wished he was still alive.

There are good reasons as to why your father is like that, you stated he is disappointed in you, while you blame him for your insecurities that is making you seek approval from male's other then your own Father, why on earth would you not seek his?

This is double talk and selfishness which hinders foresight and destroys empathy, the problem to me based on what you wrote is you not your father or mother.

To expect them to pamper you while you disappoint them and refuse to listen is lunacy, you would have ended up worse, highly entitled, weak and ungrateful, this is all worse then the "insecurities" you complain about.

Be the daughter your father wants you to be and if your confused what that entails, enquire about this when the moment is right and he is in a relaxed mood.

It's not there fault for not knowing how pathetically weak this new generation is, mind you there own fathers who raised them (your grandfather) were fighting colonialists, those are the tough kind of households they were raised in.
You’ll make a decent father firm but understanding. If not father than mentor for sure.
 

hodon

Unprofessional Therapist
VIP
Physical or emotional pain is in inevitable, unavoidable and most of the times necessary for your growth, but suffering is completely optional and of your own making.

The greatest difficulty about pain is not the pain itself but your reaction to it and your interpretation of it, both of these are in your realm of control, hence why suffering is optional.

Your lucky that you have a father who is present, the majority of girls your age don't, many more don't even know who there father is, while others wished he was still alive.

There are good reasons as to why your father is like that, you stated he is disappointed in you, while you blame him for your insecurities that is making you seek approval from male's other then your own Father, why on earth would you not seek his?

This is double talk and selfishness which hinders foresight and destroys empathy, the problem to me based on what you wrote is you not your father or mother.

To expect them to pamper you while you disappoint them and refuse to listen is lunacy, you would have ended up worse, highly entitled, weak and ungrateful, this is all worse then the "insecurities" you complain about.

Be the daughter your father wants you to be and if your confused what that entails, enquire about this when the moment is right and he is in a relaxed mood.

It's not there fault for not knowing how pathetically weak this new generation is, mind you there own fathers who raised them (your grandfather) were fighting colonialists, those are the tough kind of households they were raised in.
just because it’s normal in our culture doesn’t make it okay. Name calling/put downs go against Islamic etiquette. So why do it to your own kids.
 
Physical or emotional pain is in inevitable, unavoidable and most of the times necessary for your growth, but suffering is completely optional and of your own making.

The greatest difficulty about pain is not the pain itself but your reaction to it and your interpretation of it, both of these are in your realm of control, hence why suffering is optional.

Your lucky that you have a father who is present, the majority of girls your age don't, many more don't even know who there father is, while others wished he was still alive.

There are good reasons as to why your father is like that, you stated he is disappointed in you, while you blame him for your insecurities that is making you seek approval from male's other then your own Father, why on earth would you not seek his?

This is double talk and selfishness which hinders foresight and destroys empathy, the problem to me based on what you wrote is you not your father or mother.

To expect them to pamper you while you disappoint them and refuse to listen is lunacy, you would have ended up worse, highly entitled, weak and ungrateful, this is all worse then the "insecurities" you complain about.

Be the daughter your father wants you to be and if your confused what that entails, enquire about this when the moment is right and he is in a relaxed mood.

It's not there fault for not knowing how pathetically weak this new generation is, mind you there own fathers who raised them (your grandfather) were fighting colonialists, those are the tough kind of households they were raised in.
Yes I’m aware our culture and people are strong. I try to be mentally resilient but not all people are made the same. Many of my negative life experiences have contributed to the person that I have become. Thanks for the advice anyway. I appreciate your perspective.
 
just because it’s normal in our culture doesn’t make it okay. Name calling/put downs go against Islamic etiquette. So why do it to your own kids.
It's a lesson for us not to be same to our children, what matters at the end of the day is the intentions of the person not there actions which can be excessive.

The idea that our parents do this deliberately to harm us is absurd and shows a lack of very basic empathy and decency, those who think like this are of often the same toxic types that assume the worst of others.

We all carry bad personality quirks based on our upbringing and environment, to assume others and especially our parents should conduct themselves the way we see 'fit' is arrogance and self righteousness to the highest order.

I see nothing wrong with her father in this instance, his toughness and coldness is as a result of her behaviour and short-comings which she admit to, what else do you expect from him? to reward her for misdeeds? like other fathers do?

I know Fathers that do this and the way those daughters turn out would make the OP seem like an Angel in comparison.
 
Yes I’m aware our culture and people are strong. I try to be mentally resilient but not all people are made the same. Many of my negative life experiences have contributed to the person that I have become. Thanks for the advice anyway. I appreciate your perspective.
No one is born with mental resiliency and toughness, those are traits we acquire through struggle and hardships in life, the more, the better.

You will not appreciate it now but you will in the future, especially when you encounter the opposite and begin to seek refuge from it.

The greatest difficulties and hardships in life were experienced by the best of people (Prophets), because they had the most difficult of tasks in front of them.

Allah does not place on you a burden you can't handle, but from your posts you appear to be arguing the opposite.

These experiences will make you stronger and prepare you for bigger and better things in life if you interpret it correctly and remain optimistic, otherwise suffering, depression and pain will be your future abode.

Never forget the quote "pain is necessary, but suffering is optional"
 

hodon

Unprofessional Therapist
VIP
see nothing wrong with her father in this instance, his toughness and coldness is as a result of her behaviour and short-comings which she admit to, what else do you expect from him? to reward her for misdeeds? like other fathers do?
I’m not saying you can’t get angry or berate your offspring, but that somali parents go over the top with the insults and it doesn’t help. For example a lot of Somali parents might yell at their kids and call them worthless, Baqti, nacalad (essentially putting habar on them), like op said, if they fail their class. All that does is hurt the kids feelings and not help them succeed. The better option would be disciplining them (by taking away distractions, such as tv, phone until they fix up) and finding away to solve the problem. You hit 2 birds with one stone, help the kid succeed and build them up. With the other option it’s a lose/lose situation


And while I understand appreciating the efforts of your own parents and respecting them no matter what, there is no reason to feel the need to defend the actions of Somali parents in general, because truthfully, if our culture had good parenting so much people wouldn’t turn out corrupt in both the homeland the the diaspora


One last point, I know it’s a sentiment that people in the diaspora are mentally weak and can’t take tough Somali parenting but it screws up even people back home. I know relatives within my extending family tree who had those really tough reer miyi parents and their entire family dynamics is so messed up as a result of it. And a lot of them have mental issues, drug problems
 
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Gambar

VIP
Most Somali parents are not affectionate or say I love you. My parents were really affectionate and spoiled me especially before they had my siblings. My grandparents didn’t like it but they pretty much ignored it. You have to be a strong person you will deal with a lot of adversity in your life. It’s probably generational or culture. To him it is normal to be hands off, maybe you assume that is distant. To him insults are just regular convo but you assume they are insults. You need to have a conversation with your father, but if you don’t know Somali and he doesn’t know English it’s probably hopeless.
 

IstarZ

A mere finger can’t obscure the sun.
I’m not saying you can’t get angry or berate your offspring, but that somali parents go over the top with the insults and it doesn’t help. For example a lot of Somali parents might yell at their kids and call them worthless, Baqti, nacalad (essentially putting habar on them), like op said, if they fail their class. All that does is hurt the kids feelings and not help them succeed. The better option would be disciplining them (by taking away distractions, such as tv, phone until they fix up) and finding away to solve the problem. You hit 2 birds with one stone, help the kid succeed and build them up. With the other option it’s a lose/lose situation


And while I understand appreciating the efforts of your own parents and respecting them no matter what, there is no reason to feel the need to defend the actions of Somali parents in general, because truthfully, if our culture had good parenting so much people wouldn’t turn out corrupt in both the homeland the the diaspora


One last point, I know it’s a sentiment that people in the diaspora are mentally weak and can’t take tough Somali parenting but it screws up even people back home. I know relatives within my extending family tree who had those really tough reer miyi parents and their entire family dynamics is so messed up as a result of it. And a lot of them have mental issues, drug problems

Great points. Somali parenting is subpar. They think providing food, shelter and security is equivalent to raising a child. There’s a lack of communication, understanding, emotional growth and support and professional guidance. They also intervene when it’s far too late and there’s not much that could be done to rectify the situation.

They don’t teach their kids when they’re young and impressionable but expect the community to help raise their child. They are reactive parents and not pro-active.

They rely on ceeb culture/social control to set their kid straight, which might have worked back home but it doesn’t work in this environment. They need to be more involved emotionally and be more conscientious parents.
 
Great points. Somali parenting is subpar. They think providing food, shelter and security is equivalent to raising a child. There’s a lack of communication, understanding, emotional growth and support and professional guidance. They also intervene when it’s far too late and there’s not much that could be done to rectify the situation.

They don’t teach their kids when they’re young and impressionable but expect the community to help raise their child. They are reactive parents and not pro-active.

They rely on ceeb culture/social control to set their kid straight, which might have worked back home but it doesn’t work in this environment. They need to be more involved emotionally and be more conscientious parents.
Yeah it’s definitely strict and get on with it type stuff. But I’ve noticed the people who grow up like this are strong people. Somewhat emotionally distant sadly but I can’t blame them. If you grow up in an emotionally distant household of course that how you’d be.

Like my parents didn’t give a damn about feelings good people though. But on the positive side I hardly burden people with my feelings. Some think I’m a robot lol.
 

VixR

Veritas
No, it’s not normal for fathers to berate their daughters, even if he’s not a warm personality. It’s especially OTT that you’ve never heard a kind, fatherly word from him and all you associate him with are insults.

Is he mentally screwed up from the war? Have you tried talking to him/telling him what you told us?
 
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