Emotional vampire

Discussion in 'Health & Advice' started by Strawberryshuffle, Apr 19, 2018.

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  1. Strawberryshuffle

    Strawberryshuffle

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    Hi everyone,

    I need some serious advice, I got to know this muslim girl in the begin of 2017, I thought she was nice and friendly and all and we would sometimes chat using whatsapp, just the casual stuff, how are you how school etc etc.

    Now here comes the story shortly after we got acquainted she got to know this muslim guy on a chatroom. They added each other on whatsapp and they got talking she fell for him etc etc.

    They met up and he wasn't that into her when he first saw her, so he decided to end it right there. She after hearing this was heartbroken like she knew the guy for 100+ years. The kind of drama and heart-brokenness that should have rang some alarm bells when she came crying too me. But they didn't. I just though it was her white girl behavior. As I have heard many times that Western European women have no pride when its about love(not like us Somali women). So what happened afterward is that she worked her tears and begged him. They got talking again and got married(while he was still not really in to her). The marriage however stranded after 3 months. With him being in love with his previous fiance and him still not being into her. This all happened in a super short time frame of a year.

    Now she keeps texting me if I could ask my husband if he could set her up(she has been asking me this before she even got divorced because she knew a divorce was coming up as her ex husband didn't even want to live in the same house or sleep in the same bed during their marriage, so there was no intercourse either). But she has standards which are impossible to meet while she herself isn't all that. She has to have a mixed race husband, muscled body, handsome, certain height, certain posture and of course a proper muslim.

    However, that's not all she keeps crying and going on about her ex even though everything ended back in November. Crying saying stuff about no longer living on etc. I have given her all the advice I could many many times. However I can no longer handle this behavior. She text me in the middle of the night or during working hours about how she misses his smile and shit like that. While he did nothing but treat her like dirt for 3 months. I have noticed her negativeness is impacting my health. As I am a person who is too emotionally involved in others be it in their happiness or their misery. Every time my phone makes a noise, I hope its not her, and my stomach hurts (like from the stress). I have told her that I can't physically and mentally handle this nagging many many times.

    But she keeps going on being what I would describe a black hole where all happiness gets sucked inside. I feel like cutting her off would do me great good because she has been nothing but a pain, however at the same time I find it hard to cut her off, because many people have abandoned her. How do I tell her loud and clear to stfu.

    Keep in mind her ex-husband has told her thousands of times that marrying her was not the right decision when his heart was somewhere else. But if you ask her why he left, she would say that she has no idea.

    btw when she texts me its like a auto replay. It's the same thing same topic every time almost everyday.
     
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  2. Daleelah

    Daleelah

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    You are a sweet friend, to say the least..but I would advise you to tell her the truth, about how she drains you mentally and emotionally and how she's so self absorbed. A friendship is a two way thing and she seems like she's just taking, taking and taking

    Tell her you need a break from the friendship and see how she reacts
     
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  3. Zainab_7

    Zainab_7

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    You made me laugh with the stfu part looool :ftw9nwa: honestly you cant give someone confidence or self-love both things I think your friend needs. I dont want to be mean either but if shes this needy and emotional with you how is a man supposed to deal with her? If you wanna help her honesty is the best policy, dont sugar coat it keep :dzmxmmb: and tell her she needs to develop a mental strength. Allah swt didnt create you to worry about a nigga 24/7, go do something with your life. You didnt mention her age, is that the reason shes in a rush to get married again?
     
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  4. Slickback

    Slickback

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    That girl is insane. Why would she coax and push a man into marrying her when he's clearly not interested? Ceeb badana. I think you either need to be honest with her or your husband. I don't think a lot of sincere men will still have interest in her while knowing of her current situation. Unless your husband is running a halal match-making service for dysfunctional and messy people, can't you tell her there's nothing he can do to help? Even if she did drop her standards, seems a bit unfair to throw some unsuspecting guys her way when she needs to resolve a few things herself.

    I've had a friend do something similar a few years back. Mope and bitch over and over again about a girl that broke up with him after he moved to a different country, lost friends and fell out with family. It's easy to be sympathetic the first time, but at some point they just need to fix up. I can understand how it slowly irks you and their negativity rubs off on you to the point you get annoyed just by seeing their messages pop up on your lock screen. At some point you just have to tell them to gtfo. Idk how she'd take it, but that's entirely on her. You should bluntly tell to stop talking to you about her ex or marriage because her negativity and problems are affecting you. If she can't do that, stop talking to her altogether. That's what I did, guy took it on the chin, went cold for a few months, but we're good friends to this day.
     
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  5. Strawberryshuffle

    Strawberryshuffle

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    Thanks for the advice.

    The funny thing is I did tell her that her nagging and negativity is too much for me to handle, she was silent about it for a month, however she is back to nagging again. I even told her my husband is not gonna fix her up with anybody while she is in the state she is a couple of times. My husband does not run a halal match making thing, but she keeps asking if he could literally go to different mosques and look for a brother to her liking(yes her rare type!). I told her, he will not do so and that if he meets someone that he thinks is oké or if his friends come up with someone he will take it into consideration. However it's not like she is hearing me, because she went on asking everyday 'did you find anyone yet?' Now I told her she needs to fix up first for the 10th time and she is like 'but in a couple of months could he find the brother that is my type'.
     
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  6. Strawberryshuffle

    Strawberryshuffle

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    I think the needy part and her negativity was also a big issue in her previous short marriage. She is young she is 22 or so. So it's not an age issue which wants her to get married real fast. She doesn't have a difficult situation at home except for thinking that she owns her parents place. When she tells me about her very spoiled brattish behavior (because her parent did this or that), I can only think how hooyo would have beaten me with dacas if I acted like that.

    At the moment I don't think any brother can handle her. So I shouldn't sugar coat this?

    The question I am asking myself now is, do I want her friendship? Because to me she feels more like an accidentally adopted juvenile problem child. And there is the age gap, but I know for a fact I wasn't that desperate 6 years ago.
     
  7. Zainab_7

    Zainab_7

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    Yaab i'm 22 as well and I dont act like this so its not an age gap issue!! Yes i would directly let her know how her being overly emotional is affecting the relationship. It might give her perspective, maybe shes too in love and stuck in a close minded box to realize how shes behaving. Men in my opinion arent that difficult, if he's into you he'll come chase you if hes not he wont. Simple. No mind games no buuq. As for the friendship what does she offer you as a friend? Does she listen to your problems? Or is majority of the convo about her? Is there anything she ADDS to your life that makes you wanna say this is my friend? Sis if all of these questions have negative answers she needs to go
     
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  8. Strawberryshuffle

    Strawberryshuffle

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    There is really nothing it's all about her. There are no intelligent convo's or anything.
     
  9. Slickback

    Slickback

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    She sounds extremely immature and unreasonable. Can she not take her problems to her parents or is she a revert? That would make some sense of why she's pestering you and your husband with marriage.

    But la xawla... there's not much you can do until she wants to change. Seems like you're being patient enough as is tbh. Press that she needs to respect your request to not offload her problem on you
     
  10. Strawberryshuffle

    Strawberryshuffle

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    Yeah she is a revert, but not like one I have ever seen before. I have a lot of revert friends and they all have something called dignity.
     
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  11. MariaMaria

    MariaMaria Education, Peace and Prosperity

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    She is a self-victimiser , one of the worst personality problems out there. Definitely avoid setting her up with someone else or getting your husband to do it , because the moment it doesn't work out she will act like you and your husband are responsible , people like her don't understand how to be independent, someone is always to blame.

    She needs to understand it is her fault that she begged a man who doesn't want her into marrying her and expecting it to work out. If you let people walk all over you , you will be seen as a door matt by everyone.

    Help her to understand that she has insecurity issues and unless she deals with that, she shouldn't get married. When you are in a bad place emotionally , you will never meet the right person because you are making decision in the wrong state of mind.

    Mashallah you are an amazing friend I must say, my advice to you is that you are more harsh on her, as her friend you are allowed to be. Be harsh and say everything you think she is doing wrong , hopefully she listens and doesn't act like a victim.

    or ask her to see a therapist not because she has a problem (that might set her off) just to talk to someone that will understand and help her move to the right direction.
     
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  12. SumMo

    SumMo very lowkey

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    That friend needs to go, she is mentally challenged..
    :camby:
     
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  13. MariaMaria

    MariaMaria Education, Peace and Prosperity

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    :mjlol:I wanted that to be my reply , but something in me was itching to write some long ass post
     
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  14. SumMo

    SumMo very lowkey

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    lol, nah.. I kept it short and simple.
    :siilaanyolaugh:

    I know toxic friends all too well, she gotta tell her striaght up «to the left naya».
    Harsh, but true..
    :hillarybiz:

    - Doctor SumMo
     
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  15. MariaMaria

    MariaMaria Education, Peace and Prosperity

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    :qri8gs7: damn right
     
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  16. hindhisle

    hindhisle

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    Nothing more alarming than a revert from a low socioeconomic. I would rather take the high calass, educated atheist than shit like that.
     
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