Domestic Abuse

[Duchess]

well i can't confidently condemn something i'm only now being told is a consistent problem now can i? they'll ask "how do you know this?" and my retort can't be "some girls online told me". that wouldn't go over very well, would it? and what you described is why men wouldn't divulge their sins to others thereby making specific transgressors difficult to pinpoint. the bold is why this is a problem. only women know the scope of the problem, and generally speaking only you guys can educate us on the problem. we're ultimately cut off from the victim as a whole so how can we even empathize. we don't know who's getting beat.

and the connotation of domestic abuse primarily begins with battery before anything else. physical violence. psychological abuse is probably more prevalent than physical violence i will admit that; however, abuse has been normalized around the world. the question is whether we're worse off than the rest. i'd shutter to think we're anywhere near as garbage as those North Africans. they have socialized the idea of walking around with a shiner on your face.

if we don't know what exactly can we do? we at least need to know the scope before we go condemning an act.

Look around, Mohamud. You're the only male in this topic even trying to understand the issue. The rest either insist it isn't an issue or are victim blaming. We all know it happens, the difference is that men ( being the abusers 99% of the time) DO NOT see it as an issue. Hence why the men in this topic are quick to dismiss it.

The comparative suffering point you've introduced to the discussion ( 'at least we're not as a bad as those Arabs') is a sign of your male privilege rearing its ugly head. One victim is one victim too many.

 

[dhegdheer]

Look around, Mohamud. You're the only male in this topic even trying to understand the issue. The rest either insist it isn't an issue or are victim blaming. We all know it happens, the difference is that men ( being the abusers 99% of the time) DO NOT see it as an issue. Hence why the men in this topic are quick to dismiss it.

The comparative suffering point you've introduced to the discussion ( 'at least we're not as a bad as those Arabs') is a sign of your male privilege rearing its ugly head. One victim is one victim too many.

They'll just as soon tell u to shut up and be grateful you haven't had acid thrown in ur face It's either deflection or outright denial with these lot.

I don't think Somali men are capable of discussing these topics without feeling personally offended lol post anything tangible related to misogyni in somali culture and they cry and call you a feminist SJW blm supporting xalimo brainwashed by teh west. Even though I'm pretty sure most of them don't even know the definition of misogyny otherwise they wouldn't deny it so vehemently, they just see the word and see red lmaoooo

 

[fox]

Are you even a man if you hit women? Most of the times its small, belittled men that abuse their wives. Islam is against it, so is our dhaqan. So refrain from it and don't accept it.

 

[Ubax45_]

I wouldnt be surprised about it. We arent exactly a progressive culture

I don't think progressiveness has much of an impact on incidence as people from all cultures engage but definitely has an effect on what supports are out there.

well i can't confidently condemn something i'm only now being told is a consistent problem now can i? they'll ask "how do you know this?" and my retort can't be "some girls online told me". that wouldn't go over very well, would it? and what you described is why men wouldn't divulge their sins to others thereby making specific transgressors difficult to pinpoint. the bold is why this is a problem. only women know the scope of the problem, and generally speaking only you guys can educate us on the problem. we're ultimately cut off from the victim as a whole so how can we even empathize. we don't know who's getting beat.

and the connotation of domestic abuse primarily begins with battery before anything else. physical violence. psychological abuse is probably more prevalent than physical violence i will admit that; however, abuse has been normalized around the world. the question is whether we're worse off than the rest. i'd shutter to think we're anywhere near as garbage as those North Africans. they have socialized the idea of walking around with a shiner on your face.

if we don't know what exactly can we do? we at least need to know the scope before we go condemning an act.

I don't think you need to know the scope in order to condemn whether it's widespread or happens in a minority, what's being condemned is the act itself as well as the lack of reaction from the community, namely telling women to be patient and keep their family together.

 

[Ubax45_]

I'm not trying to be an asshole, I genuinely can't understand it.

Women crying out I love him when he's finally being hauled away by the cops.

The psychological effects has already been mentioned in this thread. I think your already set in thinking that the abused is to blame.

 

[Bahal]

The psychological effects has already been mentioned in this thread. I think your already set in thinking that the abused is to blame.

Not at all.

All in saying is why is the psychological abuse tolerated for so long? Surely the first time he hits you should be the absolute last?

 

[Ubax45_]

Not at all.

All in saying is why is the psychological abuse tolerated for so long? Surely the first time he hits you should be the absolute last?

Not at all.

All in saying is why is the psychological abuse tolerated for so long? Surely the first time he hits you should be the absolute last?

Psychological damage is a slow process that may be easy to spot from the perspective of those outside of the relationship but not those within. Also, someone mentioned that many of these women are in a cycle of violence so abuse may have already been normalized in the home they grew up in. A further problem is that many are already psychologically damaged enough to feel that they deserve to get hit. They will then try to change their behaviour to prevent future beatings but the problem is that even a minor word/action can set the perpetrator off.

The abuser often will apologize after beating and promise to not do it again. They are not bad 24/7 with many being extra nice for a few days or week after beating someone before they regress back to their old behaviour.

Then we can factor in children and financial issues, its very complex and to tell someone to leave is simplifying the situation especially when the perpetrator threatens to kill himself, your children and you. Of course the eventual goal is to get out of the situation but it will take overcoming a lot of hurdles.

 

[Cinnamon Spice]

Not at all.

All in saying is why is the psychological abuse tolerated for so long? Surely the first time he hits you should be the absolute last?

Yes, and for many women it is. But often the abuser comes back crying and begging forgiveness which a lot of women fall for. Not to mention some women who are forced/blackmailed to stay, and yet others for whom it is a cultural norm.

There was a trending Twitter hashtag on this issue (#whyistayed) where domestic abuse victims tweeted reasons for remaining in an abusive relationship. The reasons ranged from financial security to fearing for their life if they left (you're more at risk of being murdered once you've left your spouse).

It's easy to pass judgment when you're not the one experiencing it, and I was guilty of that too.

 

[Bahal]

Perhaps it's easier to understand this issue if you're a woman

For me, it's pretty straightforward. One hit, call the police, divorce, sue for alimony and child support

 

[waraabe]

You're right. It's usually when the husband has some kind of balwad. But in my experience it's rare. Plus, I cant speak for other Somalis but in my community the clan of the husband/wife come together to solve the issue.

When you say the clan solves something what do they actually do?

 

[DuctTape]

Perhaps it's easier to understand this issue if you're a woman

For me, it's pretty straightforward. One hit, call the police, divorce, sue for alimony and child support

I'm not claiming to be an authority on this subject but I think it's fair to say that it really isn't that simple. I don't see what's so hard to understand about some women still feeling something like love for their abuser, even while being abused.

That, combined with a fear of not being able to find another partner if they do break it off, and a possible fear of the abuser coming after her after she breaks things off. You don't have to be a woman to understand that it isn't as simple as calling the police. Some women get brainwashed into thinking that the abuse is the best they can get, that they aren't worth a better relationship. It's all psychological.

 

[Prince Abubu]

When you say the clan solves something what do they actually do?

They have an intervention. If the wife is still willing to stay in the marriage, the husband is given a stiff talking to and warning. He won't f*ck around when the wife has her kinsmen ready to curb-stomp the mofo next time he gets "handsy".

 

[Mohamud]

They have an intervention. If the wife is still willing to stay in the marriage, the husband is given a stiff talking to and warning. He won't f*ck around when the wife has her kinsmen ready to curb-stomp the mofo next time he gets "handsy".

are you really trying to insinuate that's some kind of morbid plus for qabilism though?

somalis within their direct community (i.e. proximity) should be doing that regardless. and most already do considering beyond qabils people in the diaspora are quite close to one another.

back home it's a different beast i will admit that but it shouldn't be this way.

 

[Duchess]

They have an intervention. If the wife is still willing to stay in the marriage, the husband is given a stiff talking to and warning. He won't f*ck around when the wife has her kinsmen ready to curb-stomp the mofo next time he gets "handsy".

I've seen situations like this. When the family has gone out of their way to call in their qabil and she still says with him, the family takes a hands off approach and let's her 'work it out' with her husband. The abuse doesn't stop, but she is too embarrassed to tell her family again.

 

[Bahal]

I'm not claiming to be an authority on this subject but I think it's fair to say that it really isn't that simple. I don't see what's so hard to understand about some women still feeling something like love for their abuser, even while being abused.

That, combined with a fear of not being able to find another partner if they do break it off, and a possible fear of the abuser coming after her after she breaks things off. You don't have to be a woman to understand that it isn't as simple as calling the police. Some women get brainwashed into thinking that the abuse is the best they can get, that they aren't worth a better relationship. It's all psychological.

I'm not trying to be an edgy asshole, but the bolded blows my mind. It's an unfortunate situation.

 

[Hassan Garguute Buldanana]

@Bahal is showing all the signs of a domestic abuser

 

[DuctTape]

I'm not trying to be an edgy asshole, but the bolded blows my mind. It's an unfortunate situation.

It might sound cheesy but love truly is blind. These types of attachments are incredibly unhealthy but the chronic abusers are masters in mentally manipulating their victims. Something like Stockholm Syndrome arises, and they just can't leave. "Unfortunate" really is an understatement.

 

[DuctTape]

@Bahal is showing all the signs of a domestic abuser

That's a little harsh. I just think the guy had a little trouble understanding why the people in these relationships do what they do.
Granted, he said some insensitive stuff, but I don't think it's fair to call him a domestic abuser.

 

[Bahal]

@Bahal is showing all the signs of a domestic abuser

Et tu Quark?

 

[Hassan Garguute Buldanana]

Et tu Quark?