28f Toronto Somali woman really struggling to make friends and find a husband

[Ikranay]

Damn, I knew Somali women were struggling to get married but I didn't know it was this bad. I wonder what's the cause.

Biggest issue is just opportunity to meet new people. I don’t do shiisha and I feel like that’s where most people regularly meet new people outside of social media. It just sucks because my parents were very strict when I was growing up so I never really talked to guys. Had I known that I get no support and that this is how things would’ve turned out I would’ve just dated up a storm when I was in school. It just seems impossible now truth be told.

people will tell you to be less picky but my standards are very reasonable. Just not fat, 5ft 8 and above, somali, prays and fasts, has a job that isn’t a lie, not fat, and can actually hold down a conversation. It seems like even this is difficult to find (. People always assume the worst about you as a woman when you struggle to find someone and then when you ask for help it’s “your great I’m sure there’s lots of guys that like you”. It just sucks all around

 

[Ikranay]

I want to know what YOU think is going to help solve your problems, speak honestly.

I mean that point of the post was to find a solution.

 

[NordicSomali]

I mean that point of the post was to find a solution.

Making friends in your 30s is by expanding within your existing friends, in order words getting to know friends of friends, and also don’t be desperate, take it slowly, don’t push it.

Finding a partner is done by becoming the person that people desire.

Honestly I don’t even know if I’m talking to my sister because I’ve seen this too often. Basically you need to break free from your parents. But I don’t know if that makes it easier for you to find the partner you want (if you have certain standards).

 

[TekNiKo]

I honestly think it might make a come back in the west. It’s really bad here in Toronto and the worst part is it feels like no one even cares. You spend your whole life doing right by your parents/community and then when you need help they’ll pick tradition over your happiness. It sucks because how can a delinquent be able to fix up and easily get married someone he actually wants when you stayed away from haram and struggle so much to do so.

I am a married man but looking for more wives. I also live in Ontario, we would make a good match.

 

[Ikranay]

I am a married man but looking for more wives. I also live in Ontario, we would make a good match.

No thanks!

 

[Ikranay]

It’s not going to be easy for you, sympathy doesn’t extend much to people in their 30s, people are more generous to you in your 20s, but in your 30s people just won’t care about you. So you need to gather the best advice available otherwise the consequences are huge, you don’t have much time to build a social network. 30 is truly a cutoff date for eternal loneliness

You mentioned your sister is going through the same struggle. How she doing.

 

[NordicSomali]

You mentioned your sister is going through the same struggle. How she doing.

She’s basically lonely exactly, your age, she’s been shielded her entire life. I’m the only one that tells her to go and do stuff and find friends. The parents don’t see any issue with her. I’m pretty sure she will never be married, but they don’t think so.

I said she should see a therapist but she doesn’t take mental health seriously, she thinks it’s an insult to suggest she’s mad, parents are of the same mindset.

 

[Ikranay]

She’s basically lonely exactly, your age, she’s been shielded her entire life. I’m the only one that tells her to go and do stuff and find friends. The parents don’t see any issue with her. I’m pretty sure she will never be married, but they don’t think so.

I said she should see a therapist but she doesn’t take mental health seriously, she thinks it’s an insult to suggest she’s mad, parents are of the same mindset.

Damn that’s sounds just like me. Maybe I should consider therapy then .

 

[Kalsoon]

Hey!

Ramadan Mubarak everyone I hope you’re all having a good Ramadan and your last 10 days have been fruitful!
I just wanted some advice. I’ve been a loner and depressed from 18-24 and then Covid happened which made it really hard to keep any friends. Mentally I feel like I’m still in high school. I was wondering if you guys knew of any way to meet new Somali women in the city and make new friends? I don’t have ig or any social media apps.

I’ve also been searching for a husband on the apps for the last 4 years but it’s been very difficult. Most are either fobs or they don’t take me serious and it never goes anywhere

I also get no support from family since they thinks it’s ceeb to search for their daughters. I really don’t know what to do here as well since it’s not like it’s going to get any easier finding someone in my 30s.

I want to enjoy my youth a bit since I’ve lost most of it to being depressed. Any advice is welcome!

Couple of questions to understand your situation better.

Why do you feel mentally you are in high school?

Does your mom or any family member (even extended relatives) bring up your marriage status or make dua for you to be married?

Is there anything you feel you need to improve yourself in? I don’t mean to attract friends or a husband but that you would like to know for your own self betterment? How much have you grown in the past four years?

 

[Kalsoon]

Not Canadian but I’m sure y’all have similar type of events. There’s usually sister related activities organized by sisters at the masjid. Usually centered towards the younger groups but it’s open to all. Go to their local activities which most likely fall on a Friday or weekend. It’s always a halaqa or something similar. You can meet people there and introduce yourself to the organizers. Find out the WhatsApp group to stay current for their events.

Also, I would like to add don’t let lack of friends hinder you from doing what you want to do. If it’s fun activities, do them. If it’s anything that you think requires a group, do it. Are you an only child? If not, take a sibling so it can be a good memory for you both. Don’t let this stop you from living.

 

[JigjigaKismaayo]

Go to your local masjid and ask the Imam for help. Sometimes they have a list of names for people looking and help match.

terrible advise!

Do not put yourself out there and put your entire fate in the hands of a man who neither knows you nor cares about you or what you want.


@Sahra780
Best thing you can do is say everything you just said to your family, verbatim! They can't help you if they don't know.
No one cares about you more than them, and the fact they think it's ceeb to find a suitable man for their daughter is due to ignorance, and it's something that needs to die in our culture. don't hold that against them, but do let them know.
The other thing you can do yourself is first of all get hold of your mental health. Start figuring out what the root cause for it is, and then seek treatment like exercise, diet changes, lowering stress, and if necessary and you can afford it, seek a shrink. You are supposed to enjoy marriage, how are you supposed to do that if you are having depression issues? The single best thing you can do for yourself is addressing your health right now. Can you even handle marriage right now in your current state? Sometimes Allah knows best. Anyone who's been truly depressed knows how that shit feels. Like Allah can put you in Janah fardowsa and if you are depressed, you wouldn't enjoy a second of it! It's truly the worst kind of feeling!

After you do that, you should get involved in the community, like the mosque community, and other sectors of the Somali community. Between that and your parents' connections, you should have no trouble finding a suitable man.



Finally, 28 is nowhere near being old. Relax, you have got plenty of time.

 

[𐒋𐒖𐒆𐒔𐒖𐒕𐒈]

I actually encourage young people to move out of the family home by 19, and out of cities they were being brought up to another city, for that offers both challenges, and opportunities.

Challenges, to discover one self, identify strengths, and weaknesses, and to truly get acquainted with the true self under the surface, in other words, be tested.

Opportunities, for in a new environment, one could create one self without any expectation, or being afraid of peering eyes.

Be not afraid of pitfalls, hiccups, and failure!

As others suggested, volunteering to your local charity orgs helps.

Postscript:
Is visiting ardu Somali an option for you?

 

[AbdiFreedom]

people will tell you to be less picky but my standards are very reasonable. Just not fat, 5ft 8 and above, somali, prays and fasts, has a job that isn’t a lie, not fat, and can actually hold down a conversation.

You can easily find a Somali man that meets all those requirements. Difficulty in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a new one. This is not a problem in Toronto. The problem is definently you. Inability in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a made up problem.

It doesn't take 4 years to find a Somali guy with those minimum requirements as a 20s unmarried woman. Even a 40s unmarried women can easily find that tomorrow. The fact you couldn't find a Somali guy that doesn't pray or fast means that you are not in the religious scene/circle. Go to a mosque at Jum'ah and you will see dozens of Somali guys that fit what you're looking for.

The issue is you are depressed, need therapy and need to get out of your house. This is a you problem, not a Somali mens' problem.

 

[Basra]

You can easily find a Somali man that meets all those requirements. Difficulty in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a new one. This is not a problem in Toronto. The problem is definently you. Inability in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a made up problem.

It doesn't take 4 years to find a Somali guy with those minimum requirements as a 20s unmarried woman. Even a 40s unmarried women can easily find that tomorrow. The fact you couldn't find a Somali guy that doesn't pray or fast means that you are not in the religious scene/circle. Go to a mosque at Jum'ah and you will see dozens of Somali guys that fit what you're looking for.

The issue is you are depressed, need therapy and need to get out of your house. This is a you problem, not a Somali mens' problem.

I think you are a lil harash huuno.

 

[iskufilann]

You can easily find a Somali man that meets all those requirements. Difficulty in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a new one. This is not a problem in Toronto. The problem is definently you. Inability in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a made up problem.

It doesn't take 4 years to find a Somali guy with those minimum requirements as a 20s unmarried woman. Even a 40s unmarried women can easily find that tomorrow. The fact you couldn't find a Somali guy that doesn't pray or fast means that you are not in the religious scene/circle. Go to a mosque at Jum'ah and you will see dozens of Somali guys that fit what you're looking for.

The issue is you are depressed, need therapy and need to get out of your house. This is a you problem, not a Somali mens' problem.

Not going to lie but this sounds harsh

 

[AbdiFreedom]

I think you are a lil harash huuno.

Not going to lie but this sounds harsh

I would not have been harsh or even responded again until she said she was looking for a Somali guy that is not fat. This is the problem with depressed people. They are so miserable they make up problems in their head that don't exist. They only see the negative in life. The solution is therapy and medication.

 

[Ikranay]

You can easily find a Somali man that meets all those requirements. Difficulty in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a new one. This is not a problem in Toronto. The problem is definently you. Inability in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a made up problem.

It doesn't take 4 years to find a Somali guy with those minimum requirements as a 20s unmarried woman. Even a 40s unmarried women can easily find that tomorrow. The fact you couldn't find a Somali guy that doesn't pray or fast means that you are not in the religious scene/circle. Go to a mosque at Jum'ah and you will see dozens of Somali guys that fit what you're looking for.

The issue is you are depressed, need therapy and need to get out of your house. This is a you problem, not a Somali mens' problem.

You’re probably right . There’s a lot of fat Somali guys on the apps which suprised me too and that’s been my main method of searching. But the depression makes me hella quiet/boring sometimes so I’ll try to work on that’s probably a big part of it. And the apps I’ve used on and off again so it’s not like I’m continuously searching for 4 years.

 

[Heavy Mountains]

You can easily find a Somali man that meets all those requirements. Difficulty in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a new one. This is not a problem in Toronto. The problem is definently you. Inability in finding a Somali guy that isn't fat is a made up problem.

It doesn't take 4 years to find a Somali guy with those minimum requirements as a 20s unmarried woman. Even a 40s unmarried women can easily find that tomorrow. The fact you couldn't find a Somali guy that doesn't pray or fast means that you are not in the religious scene/circle. Go to a mosque at Jum'ah and you will see dozens of Somali guys that fit what you're looking for.

The issue is you are depressed, need therapy and need to get out of your house. This is a you problem, not a Somali mens' problem.

Wow are you a clairvoyant

 

[iskufilann]

I would not have been harsh or even responded again until she said she was looking for a Somali guy that is not fat. This is the problem with depressed people. They are so miserable they make up problems in their head that don't exist. They only see the negative in life. The solution is therapy and medication.

Okay the fat part was not needed ngl but she has her expectations we cannot change that.

 

[Ikranay]

I would not have been harsh or even responded again until she said she was looking for a Somali guy that is not fat. This is the problem with depressed people. They are so miserable they make up problems in their head that don't exist. They only see the negative in life. The solution is therapy and medication.

Hey the

Okay the fat part was not needed ngl but she has her expectations we cannot change that.

sis the fat thing threw me off too. There’s a growing number of fat Somali men. I’m not talking about a little over weight either
Maybe it’s because I workout now so I notice overweight people more.