Short story feedback request

[mahad_bachatero]

Hey people,

Just published my first short story here: https://relarmahad.substack.com/p/tears-by-the-malecon

Any feedback would be appreciated.

 

[backgroundISneeded]

It is very interesting story. I like it. Biyo is so relatable same as Jebi.

 

[𐒋𐒖𐒆𐒔𐒖𐒕𐒈]

From the initial reading, here are my observations:
i) A good story, good flow of characters, and an easy reading, albeit I did notice you instantly introduced the 2nd character Chebi without offering bellyful backdrop of the leading character, Biyo. Was that by design? I would imagine so, as this is a short story.

ii) A lovely touch in iteration:
When the siren sings, the seduced sinks, while the sentinels stand still.

iii) Nicely spun:
=> you experienced binding pleasure and boundless pain, and the eye of your heart was forced open. You were blind, and this realm is bright, so be patient with your eye.

iv) From where comes the Spanish influence?

vi) Interesting spelling of the name 'Chebi' instead of 'Jebi'; there is a city by the name of Chebi in Ethiopia, by the way.

vii) Consider creating a glossary, or appendices instead of offering meanings of characters' names in the story, for it departs from convention, if taking away from the target; alternatively, insert references at the bottom of the page.

viii) It could do with a bit of editing, and proof-reading before hitting the stands; for instance:

• Desire has led you down

ix) These might be colloquial, or a departure from convention:

• be-with-others
• being-hurt-by-others

Food for thought.

 

[mahad_bachatero]

It is very interesting story. I like it. Biyo is so relatable same as Jebi.

Thanks for the feedback !

 

[mahad_bachatero]

From the initial reading, here are my observations:
i) A good story, good flow of characters, and an easy reading, albeit I did notice you instantly introduced the 2nd character Chebi without offering bellyful backdrop of the leading character, Biyo. Was that by design? I would imagine so, as this is a short story.

ii) A lovely touch in iteration:
When the siren sings, the seduced sinks, while the sentinels stand still.

iii) Nicely spun:
=> you experienced binding pleasure and boundless pain, and the eye of your heart was forced open. You were blind, and this realm is bright, so be patient with your eye.

iv) From where comes the Spanish influence?

vi) Interesting spelling of the name 'Chebi' instead of 'Jebi'; there is a city by the name of Chebi in Ethiopia, by the way.

vii) Consider creating a glossary, or appendices instead of offering meanings of characters' names in the story, for it departs from convention, if taking away from the target; alternatively, insert references at the bottom of the page.

viii) It could do with a bit of editing, and proof-reading before hitting the stands; for instance:

• Desire has led you down

ix) These might be colloquial, or a departure from convention:

• be-with-others
• being-hurt-by-others

Food for thought.

Wow thanks a thousand times ! I appreciate the thorough feedback and questions.

i) Thanks this was my first time every writing a short story so i didn't really know how it would turn out. I plan on doing a more thorough exploration of Biyo in another piece but for this one I wanted to focus on the interactions between the characters. Can't say it was by design, but this is how it turned out.

ii) That is a nice catch, i'm making the edit !

iii) Thanks i guess its somali poet in me that writes like this.

iv) I've spent quite some time in latin America so its part of me now.

vi) Never heard of the city before. Thanks for the share. I used chebi because when you say it in somali it sounds likes said with a 'ch' like 'china' . I didn't think of jebi at all, but saying it with a 'j' sounds sharper and more like a 'g' like 'jeff'. Hope that makes sense.

vii) I will create some footnotes at the bottom instead of a glossary, what do you think about that ? Also, you used the idea of departing from convention a few times, what is that about ?

viii) Should I change 'Desire has led you down' to something else ?

ix) I didn't understand your last comment. Do you think i should modify those two phrases ?

Thanks once again for the feedback !

 

[𐒋𐒖𐒆𐒔𐒖𐒕𐒈]

Not at all, mate; it has a solid foundation for a good novel, and a much better read than some of the popular paperbacks I see on the stands at Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.

Oh I read it as 'Desire has let you down', and could have got it wrong, in which case, mind me not.
viii) Should I change 'Desire has led you down' to something else ?

I was referring to the application of the '-' dashes; could be I was unfamiliar with it, as it is not common in academia, and might be an accepted form in contemporary literature, in which case, mind me not.
ix) I didn't understand your last comment. Do you think i should modify those two phrases ?

A good idea.
vii) I will create some footnotes at the bottom instead of a glossary, what do you think about that ?

I had a brief stint at a printing house, and learnt a few lessons in writing conventions, styles, and what publishers, and editors seek in works of aspiring authors. There is an interesting story about the supper tramp poet, W. H. Davies, who wrote to G. B. Shaw, who in honour of his body of work, penned the forward for his autobiography, where he speaks as to how he came to read his original letter. I digress.
--- Also, you used the idea of departing from convention a few times, what is that about ?

Keep it up, mate.

 

[mahad_bachatero]

Not at all, mate; it has a solid foundation for a good novel, and a much better read than some of the popular paperbacks I see on the stands at Barnes & Noble, and Amazon.

Oh I read it as 'Desire has let you down', and could have got it wrong, in which case, mind me not.
viii) Should I change 'Desire has led you down' to something else ?

I was referring to the application of the '-' dashes; could be I was unfamiliar with it, as it is not common in academia, and might be an accepted form in contemporary literature, in which case, mind me not.
ix) I didn't understand your last comment. Do you think i should modify those two phrases ?

A good idea.
vii) I will create some footnotes at the bottom instead of a glossary, what do you think about that ?

I had a brief stint at a printing house, and learnt a few lessons in writing conventions, styles, and what publishers, and editors seek in works of aspiring authors. There is an interesting story about the supper tramp poet, W. H. Davies, who wrote to G. B. Shaw, who in honour of his body of work, penned the forward for his autobiography, where he speaks as to how he came to read his original letter. I digress.
--- Also, you used the idea of departing from convention a few times, what is that about ?

Keep it up, mate.

Dope thanks for a huge boost of confidence man I appreciate it. Also thanks for clarifying the questions.

The dashes are often used in philosophical texts like jean paul sartre's concept of being-for-itself.

I'll certainly keep it up ! Thanks once again for the engagement.

 

[Hodan from HR]

Thank you for sharing your short story with us.

I enjoyed reading it!!

 

[The alchemist]

Who was the woman, bro?

The best part was that I didn't quite grasp the environment -- the dynamic interplay between the "characters" uses external ephemeral discontinuous elements that seek to metaphorically represent the internal interactive forces' states, which gives it an esoteric quality. It's cool.

 

[mahad_bachatero]

Thank you for sharing your short story with us.

I enjoyed reading it!!

Thanks Hodan more stuff coming down the pipeline

 

[mahad_bachatero]

Who was the woman, bro?

The best part was that I didn't quite grasp the environment -- the dynamic interplay between the "characters" uses external ephemeral discontinuous elements that seek to metaphorically represent the internal interactive forces' states, which gives it an esoteric quality. It's cool.

The woman Hurdio is awesome. Make dua she comes back to Biyo

I guess esoteric is a good thing if it doesn't confused people too much.

Your comment was on point !