My Dad is over protective and has no respect for me.

[CangeeroBear]

I don't know where to begin.I thought it was a phase but my father seems to constantly treat me like a child and often "kaftan" with me.I am 18 all throughout my life I thought this type of attitude was normal.

I have never been out with friends of any sort and if I come home from designated locations maybe 20 mins late.I am insulted and called ciyaal suuq.The result is that I have no "close" friends but plenty of odd acquaintances.It seems to have a psychological effect on me.

I drift apart from people because of this, after asking people for advice they told me when I finish school I'll be better.1st year uni is not only similar but worse , 100 questions a day and checking my results constantly. 2nd year is starting and he has told me I can't take the scholarship to Japanese top university in terms of physics.Even though it's all expenses paid and a once in a life time experience. I feel pressured to go my own way as I wish to mould myself into someone I feel comfortable with.Not someone who feels like a stranger in my own skin.

Finally I believe this has affected me mentally.often this "kaftan" is in an insulting manner and hence even if I know it's "joking" it has made me subconsciously believe I'm not worth shit. I have told him about this but he ignores me and treats me similiarly.Emotions are often treated as "naag" in Somali culture and it's no different in my household.

I'm expected to be a typical alpha male but it eats at ur insides and I don't think growing up like this was good for me.

I think I will visit a therapist as my university offers free therapy , I just wanted to ask if anyone else suffers from this type of "kaftan".Is it normal to feel like this thx.

 

[MrKnowles]

You shouldn’t be treated lik this regardless of your age. Are your siblings being treated similarly? I think a lot of our parents have untreated PTSD from the war and have completely shut down any feelings of empathy.

In regards to Japan, if you really wanted to go it would be a shame for you to miss out. But you know your situation the best. If going to Japan means you will be homeless when you come back I would advice against it. How does your mother fit into all of this? Is she aware this goes on and how it makes you feel?

 

[government]

I don't know where to begin.I thought it was a phase but my father seems to constantly treat me like a child and often "kaftan" with me.I am 18 all throughout my life I thought this type of attitude was normal.

I have never been out with friends of any sort and if I come home from designated locations maybe 20 mins late.I am insulted and called ciyaal suuq.The result is that I have no "close" friends but plenty of odd acquaintances.It seems to have a psychological effect on me.

I drift apart from people because of this, after asking people for advice they told me when I finish school I'll be better.1st year uni is not only similar but worse , 100 questions a day and checking my results constantly. 2nd year is starting and he has told me I can't take the scholarship to Japanese top university in terms of physics.Even though it's all expenses paid and a once in a life time experience. I feel pressured to go my own way as I wish to mould myself into someone I feel comfortable with.Not someone who feels like a stranger in my own skin.

Finally I believe this has affected me mentally.often this "kaftan" is in an insulting manner and hence even if I know it's "joking" it has made me subconsciously believe I'm not worth shit. I have told him about this but he ignores me and treats me similiarly.Emotions are often treated as "naag" in Somali culture and it's no different in my household.

I'm expected to be a typical alpha male but it eats at ur insides and I don't think growing up like this was good for me.

I think I will visit a therapist as my university offers free therapy , I just wanted to ask if anyone else suffers from this type of "kaftan".Is it normal to feel like this thx.

I'm sorta of in the same boat as you and whenever I say something back he always says why are you so argumentative now lucky I'm a very chill guy so I just laugh about it but it really beats down on you emotionally over time I often tell my mom and she says it's because he wants the best for you

 

[CangeeroBear]

You shouldn’t be treated lik this regardless of your age. Are your siblings being treated similarly? I think a lot of our parents have untreated PTSD from the war and have completely shut down any feelings of empathy.

In regards to Japan, if you really wanted to go it would be a shame for you to miss out. But you know your situation the best. If going to Japan means you will be homeless when you come back I would advice against it. How does your mother fit into all of this? Is she aware this goes on and how it makes you feel?

My mother has no real say in the house and is often hanging out with friends and doesn't talk about "feelings" with me. Rather she often harps on how I am a man not a women and thus I should act accordingly.

For japan I get free accommodation and everything is paid for. Thats why its a scholarship.Too much hassle for me to go. I also want to emphasise how this is common in somali households and middle easterner households.I had a good friend who , when he described his situation, was like a rewording of my problems.

 

[CangeeroBear]

I'm sorta of in the same boat as you and whenever I say something back he always says why are you so argumentative now lucky I'm a very chill guy so I just laugh about it but it really beats down on you emotionally over time I often tell my mom and she says it's because he wants the best for you

I'm a chill dude as well, I hardly ever get into arguments with people but the way I'm talked to irks me. My mother , if me and my father ever have a confrontation , says that as well.I don't think she believes It and I don't think she fully cares.Most families were brought up this way and thus its okay. I think my dad is over the top in protection as well, I recently met up with an old close friend but I knew he would go ballistic over the meeting so I said I went to gym for 2-4 hrs.

 

[Zeus]

You're gonna have to start pushing boundaries if you want this controlling behaviour to stop. What I mean by that is if you want to stay out longer with your friends just do it. He'll be angry at first but he might come around eventually and respect your boundaries.

 

[DRACO]

BE straight up and let him lay back a bit.
If the japan uni offer is what you want go for my fellow lander or you will regret that lost opportunity .

 

[CangeeroBear]

You're gonna have to start pushing boundaries if you want this controlling behaviour to stop. What I mean by that is if you want to stay out longer with your friends just do it. He'll be angry at first but he might come around eventually and respect your boundaries.

I don't meet my friends at all.Other than a few instances secretly.I have tried pushing boundaries but it has led to a physical confrontation.

 

[government]

I don't meet my friends at all.Other than a few instances secretely.I have tried pushing boundaries but it has led to a physical confrontation.

If you're still in highschool and live in the states my advice is go to out of state college or one that is far away the distance will make his control disappear and he will eventually get used to you being independent

 

[CangeeroBear]

If you're still in highschool and live in the states my advice is go to out of state college or one that is far away the distance will make his control disappear and he will eventually get used to you being independent

I'm in 2nd year of university , I think I need to visit a therapist first. The psychological effects have taken toll on me. I feel myself acting similiarly to him towards my little brothers which annoys me even more as I don't want to become something I despise. This is what I meant when talking about moulding.Therapy for a year and then I might just move.

 

[Slickback]

I don't know about sitting around and talking about feelings with your hooyo. But with your dad, call his bluff. If he spent his life being overprotective and force feeding you with what he deemes good, he's not going to kick you out and throw it away over something trivial. Going to Japan in your case seems like a plus. You shouldn't punish yourself for his ignorance. Fill out the paperwork and keep bringing it up. Every time he tells you not to, just walk off or play along. He's going to fold eventually.

 

[CangeeroBear]

I don't know about sitting around and talking about feelings with your hooyo. But with your dad, call his bluff. If he spent his life being overprotective and force feeding you with what he deemes good, he's not going to kick you out and throw it away over something trivial. Going to Japan in your case seems like a plus. You shouldn't punish yourself for his ignorance. Fill out the paperwork and keep bringing it up. Every time he tells you not to, just walk off or play along. He's going to fold eventually.

thx for advice, just needed this off my chest.

 

[ThreeTwentyOne]

With Somali parents, they'll never understand their kids troubles or worries.... it's really weird, and most of the time they don't even want to hear it.

I know a lot of kids who just end up moving away because of the mental stress that they go through because of their parents and it has helped.

 

[Kudhufo Kadhaqaq]

With Somali parents, they'll never understand their kids troubles or worries.... it's really weird, and most of the time they don't even want to hear it.

I know a lot of kids who just end up moving away because of the mental stress that they go through because of their parents and it has helped.

f*ck Somali parents man.

 

[darklight]

I don't meet my friends at all.Other than a few instances secretly.I have tried pushing boundaries but it has led to a physical confrontation.

man, that's terrible and i don't know how you deal with your dad. if my parents tried this shit on me they wouldn't be my parents anymore id cut them off

 

[CangeeroBear]

man, that's terrible and i don't know how you deal with your dad. if my parents tried this shit on me they wouldn't be my parents anymore id cut them off

Yeah it is, the worst thing Is I didn't notice the negative affects it had on me until recently.Lower self esteem seems to be engrained in me , I just have to be on constant guard. interestingly my uncle is similar but 100x worse, I think its bipolar disorder tho.

I have no work experience , no connections idk if I could live by myself without finances.

 

[darklight]

Yeah it is, the worst thing Is I didn't notice the negative affects it had on me until recently.Lower self esteem seems to be engrained in me , I just have to be on constant guard. interestingly my uncle is similar but 100x worse, I think its bipolar disorder tho.

I have no work experience , no connections idk if I could live by myself without finances.

but have you tried to challenge him before? just defend yourself a little bit everytime he tries to kaftan and gradually you'll have a full-on argument with him. trust me after you both share how you feel (especially you) things will be better

if there's one thing i have learned from having Somali parents and relatives it is that they dont know how to behave with their children. they want respect from their child yet they cant give back what they receive.

 

[CangeeroBear]

but have you tried to challenge him before? just defend yourself a little bit everytime he tries to kaftan and gradually you'll have a full-on argument with him. trust me after you both share how you feel (especially you) things will be better

if there's one thing i have learned from having Somali parents and relatives it is that they dont know how to behave with their children. they want respect from their child yet they cant give back what they receive.

I have tried most of what you advise, I'm going to try to leave soon.Its either str8 after uni or soon.

 

[darklight]

I have tried most of what you advise, I'm going to try to leave soon.Its either str8 after uni or soon.

good, i think that's the best decision tbh.

 

[Abdalla]

This can have some serious effects on your character and even on your manhood. It can lead to you being a doormat and others can disrespect you without repercussions. I think it's a toxic environment and get your own room. Become a man. And by hook or by crook, make sure you do that program in Japan. I studied abroad for a semester, and I loved it. One of the best half year in my life so far.

I am sure he will respect you if you grow some backbone and stood up for yourself.