I don't want to be a married single mom

[Yaraye]

It's not about blaming women. Most women choose correctly. It's not a sex issue, it's an upbringing issue. You don't need to cohabit to see a man's values and principles and what he prioritizes. You can tell if he's responsible and mature and a good person and if he worries about certain things. You can tell by their personality. You can tell if someone will be a good father and good husband. They don't need to tell you. They have this energy about them. It's not something you can fake or smooth talk about. They are calm men. Unfortunately, you have to be taught by your parents, especially your dad, to look for this guy. Your dad wont even need to tell you but as you grow up, that is what you'll expect. People marry others similiar to them. You are what you marry.

What is this so called energy that we are supposed find?
That only thing you said was calm, but calm men can also be inconsiderate of their wife.

 

[Odious Delirium]

What is this so called energy that we are supposed find?
That only thing you said was calm, but calm men can also be inconsiderate of their wife.

At the end of the day you won't find a perfect man/woman. You'll have to settle in some way and deal with the ups and downs that comes with them.
if you Don't want to go through that and lack the patience to deal with what comes with marriage then you can just wait till the hearafter and get your perfect man/woman there.

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

What is this so called energy that we are supposed find?
That only thing you said was calm, but calm men can also be inconsiderate of their wife.

You're telling me you never met a good man? Someone who was a pleasant person who was happy to help others and was charitable with their time or even resources? Someone who held the door for people and let people go in before him? You don't see men acting like gentlemen and speaking to minimum wage workers politely and treat them with dignity? It's the way they carry themselves. There are so many of them around. It's their whole package that shows he would be an amazing father and husband.



This is what I mean by some people are just hardwired to seeking the opposite because it's the chaotic environment they grew up in. They'll want men they are familiar with and then divorce when that man wasn't fit for marriage (but neither was she).

 

[Yaraye]

You're telling me you never met a good man? Someone who was a pleasant person who was happy to help others and was charitable with their time or even resources? Someone who held the door for people and let people go in before him? You don't see men acting like gentlemen and speaking to minimum wage workers politely and treat them with dignity? It's the way they carry themselves. There are so many of them around. It's their whole package.



This is what I mean by some people are just hardwired to seeking the opposite because it's the chaotic environment they grew up in. They'll want men they are familiar with and then divorce when that man wasn't fit for marriage (but neither was she).

Everything you mentioned above here are the way many men act in public. How many of them act the same way behind closed doors huh?

 

[Angelina]

It's not about blaming women. Most women choose correctly. It's not a sex issue, it's an upbringing issue. You don't need to cohabit to see a man's values and principles and what he prioritizes. You can tell if he's responsible and mature and a good person and if he worries about certain things. You can tell by their personality. You can tell if someone will be a good father and good husband. They don't need to tell you.

You cannot, you can tell when you live with someone and observe them or travel. When you’re getting to know someone you put your best foot forward. The little cracks come out after extensive time together when in which pretenses cannot be kept. However, we’re Muslim and do not freemix on that level. It’s naive for you to think that, especially since narcissistic people are the masters of good impressions to such an extent many of the community would have nothing but good things about them to




They have this energy about them. It's not something you can fake or smooth talk about. They are calm men.



Unfortunately, you have to be taught by your parents, especially your dad, to look for this guy. Your dad wont even need to tell you but as you grow up, that is what you'll expect. People marry others similiar to them. You are what you marry.

 

[Odious Delirium]

I'm confused @Yaraye what exactly do you want to gain from a man?
Do you want companionship/kids/money/love/security?
What are you willing to compromise on?

You talk about the things you don't want to do or the situations you don't want to end up in which is fair but how about the stuff you are willing to do and compromise on?

Or are you just looking for a one-sided relationship without any compromises? That's very hard to come by unless you drop your standards in certain aspects which is technically making a compromise.

The more boxes a guy ticks the less he is willing to compromise on what he wants himself

 

[Yaraye]

I'm confused @Yaraye what exactly do you want to gain from a man?
Do you want companionship/kids/money/love/security?
What are you willing to compromise on?

You talk about the things you don't want to do or the situations you don't want to end up in which is fair but how about the stuff you are willing to do and compromise on?

Or are you just looking for a one-sided relationship? That's very hard to come by unless you drop your standards in certain aspects

That's classified info

 

[Halimo-2018]

Those are the guys who make perfect fathers and perfect husbands and who provide stable homes. They marry women like them and divorce is non-existent. That is the ideal type of man.

Those are the guys who make perfect fathers and perfect husbands and who provide stable homes. They marry women like them and divorce is non-existent. That is the ideal type of man.

I’ve dated a guy like that thinking this he caused me the most blindsided heartbreak ever. Because I was hoping for this. Smh never again

 

[Yaraye]

I’ve dated a guy like that thinking this he caused me the most blindsided heartbreak ever. Because I was hoping for this. Smh never again

yes. the word "miskeen/good guy" is used very loosely. Some of these miskeen guys are a wolf in disguise

 

[Odious Delirium]

That's classified info

Ahh so you not completely delusional fair enough

 

[Odious Delirium]

I’ve dated a guy like that thinking this he caused me the most blindsided heartbreak ever. Because I was hoping for this. Smh never again

There is your answer you "dated" a guy who is actually that way would have not dated you.

 

[Yaraye]

There is your answer you "dated" a guy who is actually that way would have not dated you

her dated could just mean "getting to know for marriage"/ "courting phase". some western somalis use the word dating to describe that, tho it isn't really accurate

edit: if they truly dated like the gaalo version dated, then you're right he isn't miskeen.

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

@Angelina @Yaraye

You can determine someone's character and personality as being shit or good. You can't hide it and it can't change decades of upbringing. People who do difficult things for their friends or family without showing emotion but you know deep down it was difficult for them but they still insist and put a happy face. This mentality of thinking all men are the same is unhealthy. You do not need to live with them. You know you can live with them by their personality. Are they cooperative? Do they make sacrifices? Do they take your input seriously? Do they act calm and respectful even when others disrespect them? I don't know what to tell you.

 

[Odious Delirium]

her dated could just mean "getting to know for marriage"/ "courting phase". some western somalis use the word dating to describe that, tho it isn't really accurate

Hmm she can clarify what she meant by "dating" and the talking stage is just that there is no commitment. There not married. You can't exactly do anyone over in the talking stage

 

[Yaraye]

Hmm she can clarify what she meant by "dating" and the talking stage is just that there is no commitment. There not married.

yeah she should. I just edited my post

 

[Angelina]

You’re both right. But this can be said for both men and women. I’m saying go off how they have lived their lives up to that point not their current situation. They can act reformed but past actions are a better indicator of their truthfulness.

I’m not talking about things that are apparent in public. A man with balwaad, a man who is unemployed ect, those are things are obvious and a bit of research will tell you this. I’m talking about how a man is behind closed doors. Does he help his mother with the housework, is he caring, is he responsible. You find out those things once you become his responsibility and play house with him. Hence, all you can do is make dua and try and do your due diligence to to look out for red flags.

Btw, it’s the same for a man. How is he going to know if he’s future wife doesn’t clean or can look after the home? He’ll only know if he was to ask her family and they’ll not reveal the truth. People that visit the house will be non the wiser as other siblings can be doing most of the work.

Even then, everything happens by the qadr of Allah. Most people are tested through marriage. Some grow together while others grow apart.

true.

 

[Angelina]

@Angelina @Yaraye

You can determine someone's character and personality as being shit or good. You can't hide it and it can't change decades of upbringing.

I’m not just talking about personality. I’m talking about personal habits. Some people are jolly, nice to be around and present well. But behind closed doors are lazy and not helpful. Add the culture of men not being expected to help, you get a toxic mix. So please understand what I’m talking about

People who do difficult things for their friends or family without showing emotion but you know deep down it was difficult for them but they still insist and put a happy face. This mentality of thinking all men are the same is unhealthy.

I never said that. My point is whilst one does need to do their due diligence, marriage is like Russian roulette and a test. Living with someone shows the real character. Take it from a married person. Alhamdulliah, some times your partner can be so much better than you anticipated.

You do not need to live with them. You know you can live with them by their personality. Are they cooperative? Do they make sacrifices?

How does a man you’ve only known for a few months which you see with a Mahram or don’t freemix with make sacrifices for you? How do you know this information?! What are you talking about?!

Do they take your input seriously? Do they act calm and respectful even when others disrespect them? I don't know what to tell you.

How does one do that without extensive dating? Going on dates, spending time with him and his friends ect. We don’t do that as Muslims, so be realistic.

 

[Angelina]

It is a test but most people are too selfish and only think about themselves on both sides. No one is perfect and at the first signs of trouble people in our gen will jump ship.
At the end of the day you'll never truly know someone until you have lived/traveled with them.

True make dua. I made immense dua when I went Umrah. I stood in front of the Kaaba and asked Allah to make my decision the right one.

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

I’m not just talking about personality. I’m talking about personal habits. Some people are jolly, nice to be around and present well. But behind closed doors are lazy and not helpful. Add the culture of men not being expected to help, you get a toxic mix. So please understand what I’m talking about


I never said that. My point is whilst one does need to do their due diligence, marriage is like Russian roulette and a test. Living with someone shows the real character. Take it from a married person. Alhamdulliah, some times your partner can be so much better than you anticipated.

How does a man you’ve only known for a few months which you see with a Mahram or don’t freemix with make sacrifices for you? How do you know this information?! What are you talking about?!

How does one do that without extensive dating? Going on dates, spending time with him and his friends ect. We don’t do that as Muslims, so be realistic.

If you're marrying someone after a short period of time and most of that communication was over the phone, that's their problem. Someone you are marrying should have made some sacrifices for you before you marry them. Who marries someone they don't have a good idea of who they are or had time to be with? You only do that with family friends' or distant relatives.

 

[Angelina]

If you're marrying someone after a short period of time and most of that communication was over the phone, that's their problem.

Not just through the phone but meeting once a week in public or in the family house with people around to avoid freemixing. It isn’t there ‘problem’ it is what we do as Muslims

Someone you are marrying should have made some sacrifices for you before you marry them.

You make sacrifices for people when you’ve been around them for an extensive period and have built up a very personal relationship in which you’re around them alone. Like I said we’re not gaalo. You can test someone on how on time they are, if you’re going through issues how do they react ect, how giving he is, but just know a man that really wants to impress a woman would/can keep up the pretense if your courtship is less than a year which is the norm for us as Muslim Somalis. That is why marriage is Russian roulette and the best thing is to try and test, ask around, get your Wali involved and try and do a lot of dua.

Who marries someone they don't have a good idea of who they are or had time to be with? You only do that with family friends' or distant relatives.

Muslims do who are avoiding severe freemixing. Being alone with someone isn’t allowed. Shaytan is the third party.