I don't want to be a married single mom

[AbrahamFreedom]

You don’t have to be a married single mom. choose wisely

Married single women and divorced women don't choose wisely because it's in their biology to choose bad men. It's generational. It will never be fixed until they seek therapy and rewire their dopamine addicted brain. It's one thing to get your dopamine from sex or the phone, but it's another to get it from chaos and constant excitement from bad man. They are only attracted to bad men. Just like how bad men are only attracted to these kind of women.

 

[Unbothered]

What clan are your children baayo?

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[Abdisamad]

@Yaraye

Just accept it, this is gonna be you

 

[Abdisamad]

Men to Avoid (short list):

1) Aaboless ones (of divorce as they are often dispirited and expectant of marital dissolution)
2) Immature ones
3) Ones with emotionally absent aabos
4) Those looking for a surrogate mother
5) Emotionally vacant/detached ones
6) Those warm to polygamy (and/or with polygamist fathers)
7) Those with no life skills (incapable of cooking and cleaning)
8) Over dramatic and sensitive men
9) Narcissistic and gas lighting men
10) Men with a short fuse/anger management issues/abusive
11) Controlling and distrustful men
12) Philandering men/those with limited sexual discipline (similar to number 6)
13) Self-flagellating men
14) Men who are unwilling to grow and learn
15) Clingy men (insecurely attached)
16) Irreligious men
17) Men who have some addiction of some sort of problems with impulse control (including financially irresponsible ones)
18) Men who play mind games
19) Chronic liars
20) Men lacking personal integrity (can't meet their own self-imposed commitments or those who regularly flake on others)

That's a long ass sheet girl

 

[A Mean Guy]

Men to Avoid (short list):
6) Those warm to polygamy (and/or with polygamist fathers)

This one is a bit unfair tbh. My dad has a two wives but I have personally witnessed the bad side of the marriage such that I would not even think about getting more than 1 wife.

@Yaraye
All my married friends help around the house but still provide for their family. Cooking and cleaning is not that big of a deal tbh. You could try and go for guys that have lived on their own if you want to make sure that they can do chores.

 

[Angelina]

Married single women and divorced women don't choose wisely because it's in their biology to choose bad men. It's generational. It will never be fixed until they seek therapy and rewire their dopamine addicted brain. It's one thing to get your dopamine from sex or the phone, but it's another to get it from chaos and constant excitement from bad man. They are only attracted to bad men. Just like how bad men are only attracted to these kind of women.

Are you okay? It’s got nothing to do with these women’s choices and everything to do with how boys are raised and how society has changed the role of women.

Example, in most cultures boys are raised with the expectation of mothers/wives doing the most chores in the home. In Somali culture, boys are discouraged from doing any chores, yet daughters are expected to get good grades, secure good jobs, care about money and finances yet still help their hooyo and are told that cooking and cleaning is important for women, yet men aren’t taught that. A lot of guys still have the traditional notions of marriage stuck in their head despite the fact that cost of living has increased, women not having a lot of a support system outside of husbands and the list goes on. To simply put it, because of how a lot of boys are raised, they’re finding it hard to get with the times.

When we have culture like that and it’s an issue for most people because of modernity, and many men still refusing to accept changes, saying it’s women’s choices when a good % of men are like that of all backgrounds that’s a colossal cope out.
It’s clearly a cultural issue vs modernity.

 

[Angelina]

That’s a deadbeat losers that doesn’t deserve a woman, and the woman that give such a bum an opportunity is a loser herself.

How would such a woman know he’d be like that after marriage. Baring in mind, those men aren’t unemployed. They simply work and do nothing else whilst their wives work and do everything else.

You see this is an example of victimhood, Allah has given you women the power of choice. That power comes with responsibility and accountability, if you fail in your choice it’s your fault. It’s as simple as that.

Allah has given men the power to choose as well. Everyone knows that marriage in Islam can be a test and we know that the best of men and women throughout our Islamic tradition have been tested with horrible partners. Your babble is nothing but misogynistic bile and that’s the issue with redpillers. There is an inherent lack of fairness and accountability for men, for women their abuses, when they’re wronged ect is all put on them and their ‘choices’ yet when men are wronged it’s put down to Westernization and the issues of the ‘modern’ woman. You’re smarter than that. Stop it.

What makes your comment vile is that you’re now blaming women for being taken advantaged of, abused, manipulated and the list goes on. Every wrongs in her marriage is due to her and her choices. Even though you know that men can love bomb, can hide their real faces can be narcissist who have a good rep in the community and the list goes on. You only know someone very well once you live with them or travel with them. That is a fact. Marriage will always be a gamble, but us women are meant to be able to predict the future. One minute we’re weak and need men to make decisions for us and having our rights stripped because of that, the next minute we need to have the power to be able to look into the future and always make the right decisions. That’s the issue with misogyny, it’s illogical and inconsistent.

You’re just gonna believe whatever Angie tells you come on man?

You said that you know how women are though studying and your history of women you aren’t married to. So don’t lie now.

Well if I wanted to marry for the sake of marriage as many Somalis do, I have had plenty of women who were willing. Both Somalis and none Somalis alike, but thats not good enough for me.

Any woman that marries you would be devaluing herself. That’s the ironic part. You can’t have a good marriage with a man who lacks empathy or has severe issues with women, which you do.

Maybe for you it’s different, because you sound like one of the maskiin nerds, Angie was talking about.

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

Are you okay? It’s got nothing to do with these women’s choices and everything to do with how boys are raised and how society has changed the role of women.

Example, in most cultures boys are raised with the expectation of mothers/wives doing the most chores in the home. In Somali culture, boys are discouraged from doing any chores, yet daughters are expected to get good grades, secure good jobs, care about money and finances yet still help their hooyo and are told that cooking and cleaning is important for women, yet men aren’t taught that. A lot of guys still have the traditional notions of marriage stuck in their head despite the fact that cost of living has increased, women not having a lot of a support system outside of husbands and the list goes on. To simply put it, because of how a lot of boys are raised, they’re finding it hard to get with the times.

When we have culture like that and it’s an issue for most people because of modernity, and many men still refusing to accept changes, saying it’s women’s choices when a good % of men are like that of all backgrounds that’s a colossal cope out.
It’s clearly a cultural issue vs modernity.

The guy can end up however way he ends up but you have the personal agency to not pick them. You can tell who will be agreeable, who will be cooperative, who will be pleasant. You just saw a fellow woman here admit miskeen boring men are the worst kind of men lol. Many women want the thrill of colourful men without understanding the consequences of it. If you're a married single woman or divorced (over 25), it's your own fault for not picking correctly if the man was the problem. Well it's their biology for picking. You looked at other qualities before the qualities that makes someone a good father/good husband.

 

[Kalsoon]

Married single women and divorced women don't choose wisely because it's in their biology to choose bad men. It's generational. It will never be fixed until they seek therapy and rewire their dopamine addicted brain. It's one thing to get your dopamine from sex or the phone, but it's another to get it from chaos and constant excitement from bad man. They are only attracted to bad men. Just like how bad men are only attracted to these kind of women.

Maybe it’s because they have unhealthy attachment? Maybe they are comfortable only around a certain type? Because that’s all they know. For the most part, I don’t believe people are intentionally seeking to harm themselves.

Men to Avoid (short list):

1) Aaboless ones (of divorce as they are often dispirited and expectant of marital dissolution)
2) Immature ones
3) Ones with emotionally absent aabos
4) Those looking for a surrogate mother
5) Emotionally vacant/detached ones
6) Those warm to polygamy (and/or with polygamist fathers)
7) Those with no life skills (incapable of cooking and cleaning)
8) Over dramatic and sensitive men
9) Narcissistic and gas lighting men
10) Men with a short fuse/anger management issues/abusive
11) Controlling and distrustful men
12) Philandering men/those with limited sexual discipline (similar to number 6)
13) Self-flagellating men
14) Men who are unwilling to grow and learn
15) Clingy men (insecurely attached)
16) Irreligious men
17) Men who have some addiction of some sort of problems with impulse control (including financially irresponsible ones)
18) Men who play mind games
19) Chronic liars
20) Men lacking personal integrity (can't meet their own self-imposed commitments or those who regularly flake on others)

You put over dramatic alongside sensitivity. Did you mean to keep them separate? Since he would have to have a level of sensitivity or awareness to his feelings in order to not be emotionally detached.

For numbers one and six, do you reject them once they tell you this?

 

[Yaraye]

So..watched the lawyer clip again. It makes sense why they’re tired. It’s hard doing both roles. What I don’t understand is why they went with men who were fine taking a backseat to them? Did they not notice this in the beginning. With gaalo, they date for a while so it’s not like they noticed these tendencies all of a sudden. They had time to get used to that person’s way of operating. Were they initially happy/ok with that arrangement because it put them in the driver’s seat?

Most people can't tell until the are married living together and have children. This is when the real shit begins and when the man shows his true colors.

 

[Yaraye]

Men to Avoid (short list):

1) Aaboless ones (of divorce as they are often dispirited and expectant of marital dissolution)
2) Immature ones
3) Ones with emotionally absent aabos
4) Those looking for a surrogate mother
5) Emotionally vacant/detached ones
6) Those warm to polygamy (and/or with polygamist fathers)
7) Those with no life skills (incapable of cooking and cleaning)
8) Over dramatic and sensitive men
9) Narcissistic and gas lighting men
10) Men with a short fuse/anger management issues/abusive
11) Controlling and distrustful men
12) Philandering men/those with limited sexual discipline (similar to number 6)
13) Self-flagellating men
14) Men who are unwilling to grow and learn
15) Clingy men (insecurely attached)
16) Irreligious men
17) Men who have some addiction of some sort of problems with impulse control (including financially irresponsible ones)
18) Men who play mind games
19) Chronic liars
20) Men lacking personal integrity (can't meet their own self-imposed commitments or those who regularly flake on others)

this is a nice list. Some you can find out about the guy right aways. However some you can't find out cuz many of them present their best self and lie. Some are even worse who will continue those lies until you got your 1st child together, then they switch up on you. I've heard so many women say "I did everything I was supposed to do before marriage. Asked the correct questions. had family members assess him. ran a through background check, looked in his socials......etc" and he still became a whole another man after 1-2 children. Many women theorize that men stay on their best behavior until they've trapped you/you can't leave/or got no options for remarriage.

 

[Yaraye]

A solid list for a woman that understand the responsibility of choice, that being said number 6 is bit unfair.

no number 6 is not unfair

 

[Kalsoon]

Most people can't tell until the are married living together and have children. This is when the real shit begins and when the man shows his true colors.

You can tell if a man is responsible and wants to lead before all that. The issue is they’re not looking for that at that time. They realize its importance only when those other things come into the picture. But by then, it’s too late.

 

[Yaraye]

You can tell if a men is responsible and wants to lead before all that. The issue is they’re not looking for that at that time. They realize its importance only when those other things come into the picture. But by then, it’s too late.

I disagree. Many women look for those type of men when looking for a spouse. No matter how much you ask the right questions, look at a man's quality, run background checks, have family members assess them, these men can become someone else after marriage/having children. They "play pretend" during the courting phase

 

[Angelina]

The guy can end up however way he ends up but you have the personal agency to not pick them. You can tell who will be agreeable, who will be cooperative, who will be pleasant. You just saw a fellow woman here admit miskeen boring men are the worst kind of men lol. Many women want the thrill of colourful men without understanding the consequences of it. If you're a married single woman or divorced (over 25), it's your own fault for not picking correctly if the man was the problem. Well it's their biology for picking. You looked at other qualities before the qualities that makes someone a good father/good husband.

Please explain how a woman who doesn’t cohabit with a man know how domestic he’d be? Btw, it’s not just women who ‘pick’, men do too, so bringing up female biology is a joke. Some people can be very pleasant but lazy and stuck in their way if they were socialized from a young age to rely on others when it comes to housework.

Secondly the issue I’ve outlined is ridiculously common and effects most men in our community, unless they’ve lived alone. If you want to blame women which I know you’re itching to do, blame mothers, that I’ll accept. They’ve raised their sons to rely on female labour and have made marriage difficult for many women. It’s such a common phenomenon that even divorced lawyers have noticed and it’s due to cultural expectations not keeping up with modern realities. This impacts too many women and for you to say it’s down to woman’s choices.

 

[Angelina]

You can tell if a man is responsible and wants to lead before all that. The issue is they’re not looking for that at that time. They realize its importance only when those other things come into the picture. But by then, it’s too late.

Sorry sis, but men know how what to say or do during the talking stage. We are not gaal who do extended dating and cohabitation. Even women who’ve had arranged marriages with walis checking doing background checks can end up in these situations as fathers and society doesn’t know how a man is behind closed doors.

 

[Yaraye]

Sorry sis, but men know how what to say or do during the talking stage. We are not gaal who do extended dating and cohabitation. Even women who’ve had arranged marriages with walis checking doing background checks can end up in these situations as fathers and society doesn’t know how a man is behind closed doors.

That's what I'm saying!!!!!! Why do people think women can read a man's mind/peer in to their heart to know their true character?! Then they have the nerve to say "you choose bad""You like toxic men", as if these men don't play pretend

 

[Kalsoon]

I disagree. Many women look for those type of men when looking for a spouse. No matter how much you ask the right questions, look at a man's quality, run background checks, have family members assess them, these men can become someone else after marriage/having children. They "play pretend" during the courting phase

Sorry sis, but men know how what to say or do during the talking stage. We are not gaal who do extended dating and cohabitation. Even women who’ve had arranged marriages with walis checking doing background checks can end up in these situations as fathers and society doesn’t know how a man is behind closed doors.

You’re both right. But this can be said for both men and women. I’m saying go off how they have lived their lives up to that point not their current situation. They can act reformed but past actions are a better indicator of their truthfulness.

Even then, everything happens by the qadr of Allah. Most people are tested through marriage. Some grow together while others grow apart.

 

[AbrahamFreedom]

Please explain how a woman who doesn’t cohabit with a man know how domestic he’d be? Btw, it’s not just women who ‘pick’, men do too, so bringing up female biology is a joke. Some people can be very pleasant but lazy and stuck in their way if they were socialized from a young age to rely on others when it comes to housework.

Secondly the issue I’ve outlined is ridiculously common and effects most men in our community, unless they’ve lived alone. If you want to blame women which I know you’re itching to do, blame mothers, that I’ll accept. They’ve raised their sons to rely on female labour and have made marriage difficult for many women. It’s such a common phenomenon that even divorced lawyers have noticed and it’s due to cultural expectations not keeping up with modern realities. This impacts too many women and for you to say it’s down to woman’s choices.

It's not about blaming women. Most women choose correctly. It's not a sex issue, it's an upbringing issue. You don't need to cohabit to see a man's values and principles and what he prioritizes. You can tell if he's responsible and mature and a good person and if he worries about certain things. You can tell by their personality. You can tell if someone will be a good father and good husband. They don't need to tell you. They have this energy about them. It's not something you can fake or smooth talk about. They are calm men. Unfortunately, you have to be taught by your parents, especially your dad, to look for this guy. Your dad wont even need to tell you but as you grow up, that is what you'll expect. People marry others similiar to them. You are what you marry.

 

[Odious Delirium]

You’re both right. But this can be said for both men and women. I’m saying go off how they have lived their lives up to that point not their current situation. They can act reformed but past actions are a better indicator of their truthfulness.

Even then, everything happens by the qadr of Allah. Most people are tested through marriage. Some grow together while others grow apart.

It is a test but most people are too selfish and only think about themselves on both sides. No one is perfect and at the first signs of trouble people in our gen will jump ship.
At the end of the day you'll never truly know someone until you have lived/traveled with them.