I am scared of marriage talk.

[Ashhh]

Whenever I sense that someone is about bring up the topic of marriage or even romantic relationships, I feel extremely burdened. I have three older sisters, all of whom have dated before and have been in relationships but I have never even so much as shaken hands with a man (consensually) and I never cared about it until lockdown.
The truth is that I am not interested in marriage at all. I plan on getting rid of my sexual urges and remaining celibate all my life. But the social aspect of spinsterhood is too mortifying to face.
I understand that marriage is a sanctuary for us as social beings and that we have various biological needs that can only be satisfied by marriage but I cannot imagine sharing my life and body with someone who I probably haven’t even met. Nor can I bear the thought that I will be so vulnerable in front of him, and so easy to destroy. I have suffered a great deal to get to where I am today and yet I face another irresistible calamity- my own age.

Everywhere I look I see marriage, everything I hear is about relationships, betrayal, disrespect, violation, hatred, destruction, etc. I hate the internet because of it, and I ignore my friends who are in relationships. I worry that I will end up totally withdrawing from socialisation…

I wonder if anyone else is suffering as I am? Do you have any advice about how to live well and confidently while a twenty-something year-old single woman? How do I reassure my parents that I am satisfied with my share of life?

 

[Bundasliga]

Damn you marriage-phobia

 

[Goodbye ✌]

Sis that is completely okay and it’s nobody’s business but your own. I didn’t talk to a guy for marriage until I was 22 and nearly graduated because I was so preoccupied in finishing school. It was school, work, home for years straight. I wasn’t interested in a relationship and I knew I wasn’t emotionally/physically ready for marriage so I declined guys who asked for my number. Also seeing the heartbreak friends of mine went through was unreal. Like…. I didn’t want to put myself through that. Only you will know if and when you are ready to start the search. If you can curb your desire for intimacy then it’s completely fine. I think marriage is wajib for me at this point. Live confidently by reminding yourself that we were created to worship Allah and that alone. What job you have, if you went to school or dropped out, how much money you have, if you married or stayed single, if you have children or not, all of these things were already written so don’t sweat it. Have tawwakul and rest assured that Allah has given what’s best for you.

 

[Gladiolus]

I understand the pressures from family, friends and even strangers asking me about marriage and some even telling me I should marry the first guy that shows an interest in marrying me.

I had a male cousin tell me that and I was shocked.

Marriage is half our religion and should be treated very seriously when looking for a spouse, but Somali culture they treat it as a means of just having children, never mind if the father or the mother are going to be good spouses and parents.

 

[Cajiib]

Whenever I sense that someone is about bring up the topic of marriage or even romantic relationships, I feel extremely burdened. I have three older sisters, all of whom have dated before and have been in relationships but I have never even so much as shaken hands with a man (consensually) and I never cared about it until lockdown.
The truth is that I am not interested in marriage at all. I plan on getting rid of my sexual urges and remaining celibate all my life. But the social aspect of spinsterhood is too mortifying to face.
I understand that marriage is a sanctuary for us as social beings and that we have various biological needs that can only be satisfied by marriage but I cannot imagine sharing my life and body with someone who I probably haven’t even met. Nor can I bear the thought that I will be so vulnerable in front of him, and so easy to destroy. I have suffered a great deal to get to where I am today and yet I face another irresistible calamity- my own age.

Everywhere I look I see marriage, everything I hear is about relationships, betrayal, disrespect, violation, hatred, destruction, etc. I hate the internet because of it, and I ignore my friends who are in relationships. I worry that I will end up totally withdrawing from socialisation…

I wonder if anyone else is suffering as I am? Do you have any advice about how to live well and confidently while a twenty-something year-old single woman? How do I reassure my parents that I am satisfied with my share of life?

I feel you abaayo. I remember during 2020 feeling shame when my mom would mention news of marriages and babies of people I knew. I made dua for them but I felt it was a dig at me. It wasn’t in actuality but it felt like hooyo was telling me to get the hint. I talked to my mom about it after a while and she stopped bringing it up to me. Now she understands my perspective.

As a person who never really interacted with the opposite gender until young adulthood, I can say I wholeheartedly understand you. I still don’t interact with men honestly unless there’s an actual need to. Nonetheless abaayo, marriage is not all doom and gloom as the internet makes it seem. We only ever hear of the bad news but that doesn’t mean it’s all bad or even majority bad. I wouldn’t let others experiences put me off from experiencing something that could be a positive life event. I’d learn what not to do from them though.

Watch videos on the power of vulnerability by Brené Brown. It may be useful for you as it was for me. Vulnerability doesn’t have to mean destruction. It can be strength.

I have accepted myself wholeheartedly and don’t see myself as being less than for not being married. Not in competition with anyone especially since I don’t know the struggles people are facing behind closed doors. I see this as the qadr of Allah as well as a test from Allah. Even as a protection from harm. Honestly, I don’t put myself out there at all so it makes sense why I’m in the position I’m in lol. Alxamdulilah I stay optimistic and count all the blessing I have been given by Allah. It will happen if it’s written. If not, Alxamdulilah. Life goes on.

If possible, talk to your parents about the real reasons you don’t want to get married. Don’t close that door completely though, sis. You may mature some more and have a different perspective on life. Just curious, do you have any desire to be a mother?

 

[munguckghet]

Whenever I sense that someone is about bring up the topic of marriage or even romantic relationships, I feel extremely burdened. I have three older sisters, all of whom have dated before and have been in relationships but I have never even so much as shaken hands with a man (consensually) and I never cared about it until lockdown.
The truth is that I am not interested in marriage at all. I plan on getting rid of my sexual urges and remaining celibate all my life. But the social aspect of spinsterhood is too mortifying to face.
I understand that marriage is a sanctuary for us as social beings and that we have various biological needs that can only be satisfied by marriage but I cannot imagine sharing my life and body with someone who I probably haven’t even met. Nor can I bear the thought that I will be so vulnerable in front of him, and so easy to destroy. I have suffered a great deal to get to where I am today and yet I face another irresistible calamity- my own age.

Everywhere I look I see marriage, everything I hear is about relationships, betrayal, disrespect, violation, hatred, destruction, etc. I hate the internet because of it, and I ignore my friends who are in relationships. I worry that I will end up totally withdrawing from socialisation…

I wonder if anyone else is suffering as I am? Do you have any advice about how to live well and confidently while a twenty-something year-old single woman? How do I reassure my parents that I am satisfied with my share of life?

Is your sisters also married, you probably wont have to deal with marriage talks until they get married first, and your sisters should fear allah and not engage in zina

 

[Sophisticate]

There is nothing wrong with marriage phobia. I'm a long-time offender myself.

I realized this is a function of high marital ideals mixed in with some commitment phobia.
This might be hard to believe, but I didn't even give a man a chance until my mid-to-late 20s. And I still keep Abdis at bay even today.

Marriage scares me. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. I owe this to some mental traps I have.

Specifically, the idealistic mindset I have of only wanting to give my mind and body to one man. Divorce is no joke, and I understand its place, but in exceptional cases. I would never dare gamble my affections on someone who wasn't the all-in, ten-toes-down type as a husband. But making that determination takes some time.
I run for the hills when I notice a brother with a wandering eye who shows signs of being untrustworthy or simply becomes low-effort with time. I would rather screen them out than give them an opportunity as a prospect.

A man better be willing to go to war for your hand. Or they are not worth it. To grow a thick skin and get used to spurned advances until the wedding night. Getting you isn't merely a game but a daily affair. One that requires testing regularly. So much so that they need a Lazarus pit's resilience and restorative powers to deal with you. Testing the mettle a man is made of is important because it gives you an inclination of his tolerance level and if he's capable of taking care of you and your future children throughout your life.

I'm by no means scared of men at all. If anything, I prefer they not be intimidated by my will because that lady-like yet combative spirit cannot easily be thwarted. And requires a man of a certain caliber to appreciate fully.

I have told people I did not want to get married until my 30s when I was in my teens. And I was unencumbered by the disapproval or surprise of others. I'm happy in my own skin, well-adjusted, and content with my place in my life. As for spinsterhood, no one cares that much anymore. How you feel about yourself should eclipse any criticisms from others. If you feel good, take care of yourself, stay away from harm and do good for those around you, then you are fine. You hold intrinsic worth irrespective of your marital status, which should not stifle you socially.

 

[Ashhh]

Thank you guys. I don’t feel like I am alone anymore.

 

[lilmoon]

Whenever I sense that someone is about bring up the topic of marriage or even romantic relationships, I feel extremely burdened. I have three older sisters, all of whom have dated before and have been in relationships but I have never even so much as shaken hands with a man (consensually) and I never cared about it until lockdown.
The truth is that I am not interested in marriage at all. I plan on getting rid of my sexual urges and remaining celibate all my life. But the social aspect of spinsterhood is too mortifying to face.
I understand that marriage is a sanctuary for us as social beings and that we have various biological needs that can only be satisfied by marriage but I cannot imagine sharing my life and body with someone who I probably haven’t even met. Nor can I bear the thought that I will be so vulnerable in front of him, and so easy to destroy. I have suffered a great deal to get to where I am today and yet I face another irresistible calamity- my own age.

Everywhere I look I see marriage, everything I hear is about relationships, betrayal, disrespect, violation, hatred, destruction, etc. I hate the internet because of it, and I ignore my friends who are in relationships. I worry that I will end up totally withdrawing from socialisation…

I wonder if anyone else is suffering as I am? Do you have any advice about how to live well and confidently while a twenty-something year-old single woman? How do I reassure my parents that I am satisfied with my share of life?

I am 16 and I have felt like this so many times, it is uncountable. Like my mum or sisters out of nowhere would get me talking about my future husband and I always hide or go around their questions. But for me deep down, I really want to have kids primarily, it was my first dream tbh, and the idea of a man that I can genuinely love entices me, but my severe trust issues and fear conceived by the horror stories I have been surrounded by has always pushed me so far back from marriage convo. But I feel your pain, sis. And whatever you do, don't get married to a man back home.

 

[NinWero]

Whenever I sense that someone is about bring up the topic of marriage or even romantic relationships, I feel extremely burdened. I have three older sisters, all of whom have dated before and have been in relationships but I have never even so much as shaken hands with a man (consensually) and I never cared about it until lockdown.
The truth is that I am not interested in marriage at all. I plan on getting rid of my sexual urges and remaining celibate all my life. But the social aspect of spinsterhood is too mortifying to face.
I understand that marriage is a sanctuary for us as social beings and that we have various biological needs that can only be satisfied by marriage but I cannot imagine sharing my life and body with someone who I probably haven’t even met. Nor can I bear the thought that I will be so vulnerable in front of him, and so easy to destroy. I have suffered a great deal to get to where I am today and yet I face another irresistible calamity- my own age.

Everywhere I look I see marriage, everything I hear is about relationships, betrayal, disrespect, violation, hatred, destruction, etc. I hate the internet because of it, and I ignore my friends who are in relationships. I worry that I will end up totally withdrawing from socialisation…

I wonder if anyone else is suffering as I am? Do you have any advice about how to live well and confidently while a twenty-something year-old single woman? How do I reassure my parents that I am satisfied with my share of life?

Everyone's path in life is different, maybe this is your thinking now, but you might just find someone who takes your breath away.

 

[Ashhh]

Everyone's path in life is different, maybe this is your thinking now, but you might just find someone who takes your breath away.

In shaa Allah, I really hope so hahahah

 

[Ashhh]

I am 16 and I have felt like this so many times, it is uncountable. Like my mum or sisters out of nowhere would get me talking about my future husband and I always hide or go around their questions. But for me deep down, I really want to have kids primarily, it was my first dream tbh, and the idea of a man that I can genuinely love entices me, but my severe trust issues and fear conceived by the horror stories I have been surrounded by has always pushed me so far back from marriage convo. But I feel your pain, sis. And whatever you do, don't get married to a man back home.

You’re a literal baby sis, it gets so much scarier as you grow up and everyone around you is either talking about marriage or getting married

 

[lilmoon]

You’re a literal baby sis, it gets so much scarier as you grow up and everyone around you is either talking about marriage or getting married

Ik but it's weird for me bc I have other friends and they say that their parents don't really talk about marriage to them so it makes me feel like the way my parents and siblings talk about it is a bit too much for myself.