How do you guys deal with loneliness? Feelings of nostalgia for Somali company, should I get married?

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Growing up I was the middle child as well as the only boy. I have a lot of sisters and they spend most of their time together or with their friends. We have a healthy relationship but not a lot in common. I use to have a lot of Somali male friends growing up but that was in high school. Since then we've all kind of went our own separate ways. One of my friends recently got married, another one is at a different university in another city, and the third went back home to Somalia. I see no Somali guys at my university. And so unfortunately most of my friends are asians/cadaans. Its so draining not having Somali friends that I feel really comfortable and relatable with. I see more Somali women than men, but befriending them is difficult because the assumption is if a Somali guy/gal are talking they must be preparing to marry each other. Going to school and work is made so much more difficult because of this. My parents tell me I'm making them proud and that I shouldn't be worried about the lack of Somalis in my life. They say Somali guys are trouble and would only serve as a distraction. But in reality I feel so uninspired and drained. I feel like a cog in the machine. So I want to take up volunteering at a local mosque that mainly serves the Somali community. I hope in so doing I can enjoy the company of more of my people of all ages, and maybe even make life long friends. I won't have a reason to not be praying all 5 of my salah at the masjid either.

Sometimes I feel so much jealousy for the youth our parents had. A whole country filled with nothing but people who look just like you. I'm angry because I feel circumstances beyond my control (the civil war) robbed me of what otherwise would have been a beautiful childhood in my home country surrounded by family, friends, and a whole country of my very own people. I fear my current circumstances may never change. That time will pass by faster and faster. And with that, all opportunities for great memories made with Somali friends.

Sometimes this great loneliness of Somali company turns into a strong incentive to get married. As being married to a xalimo would mean I would have a Somali friend who's dear to me and always around. Just the thought of having Somali children fills my heart with so much joy. Should I get married?

 

[Abu Hesi]

Sorry, you are putting a lot of pressure on your future wife lol, you need male friends.

Your parents are worried you gonna go with the wrong crowd. I suggest you hang out with the local brothers from the Mosque.

Loneliness waa cudur.

 

[Lord]

Dont stress, focus your energy on getting useful skills. I know it’s cringe but money=happy

 

[Qahwe]

Similar position. I don’t care anymore. Friendships is not for everyone as it is advertised by media. As long I am functional in society, I am grateful.

 

[Sophisticate]

Growing up I was the middle child as well as the only boy. I have a lot of sisters and they spend most of their time together or with their friends. We have a healthy relationship but not a lot in common. I use to have a lot of Somali male friends growing up but that was in high school. Since then we've all kind of went our own separate ways. One of my friends recently got married, another one is at a different university in another city, and the third went back home to Somalia. I see no Somali guys at my university. And so unfortunately most of my friends are asians/cadaans. Its so draining not having Somali friends that I feel really comfortable and relatable with. I see more Somali women than men, but befriending them is difficult because the assumption is if a Somali guy/gal are talking they must be preparing to marry each other. Going to school and work is made so much more difficult because of this. My parents tell me I'm making them proud and that I shouldn't be worried about the lack of Somalis in my life. They say Somali guys are trouble and would only serve as a distraction. But in reality I feel so uninspired and drained. I feel like a cog in the machine. So I want to take up volunteering at a local mosque that mainly serves the Somali community. I hope in so doing I can enjoy the company of more of my people of all ages, and maybe even make life long friends. I won't have a reason to not be praying all 5 of my salah at the masjid either.

Sometimes I feel so much jealousy for the youth our parents had. A whole country filled with nothing but people who look just like you. I'm angry because I feel circumstances beyond my control (the civil war) robbed me of what otherwise would have been a beautiful childhood in my home country surrounded by family, friends, and a whole country of my very own people. I fear my current circumstances may never change. That time will pass by faster and faster. And with that, all opportunities for great memories made with Somali friends.

Sometimes this great loneliness of Somali company turns into a strong incentive to get married. As being married to a xalimo would mean I would have a Somali friend who's dear to me and always around. Just the thought of having Somali children fills my heart with so much joy. Should I get married?

I can tell you this. Being Somali alone is not enough to establish a sense of familia. It is wonderful when you share this but also have other commonalities. However, it is not a requirement.

A lot of us Somalis who had some void in Somali contact in our youth established it by going online. I made friends with them and some of us keep in touch. It's nicer to make same sex friendships because they are more enduring.

Most of my male Somali friends are short-term/transient or they try to press some kind of romance (if given the chance). I don't say it to sound conceited. It can be a little exhausting. I have very few Somali guy friends who consider me like a sister.

I grew up the opposite as you. No sisters and found it easy talking to boys without trying to make it awkward.

 

[Waa dhamatay]

I’m too non-NT to make friends so it’s better for me to stop caring long term.

You should go and volunteer it’s a good idea tbh.

 

[Yaraye]

I can quite understand you. I used to have a lot of friends when I was in high school. majority of my friends were somali and we all drifted apart. There is quite a void when somali friends drift.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

A lot of us Somalis who had some void in Somali contact in our youth established it by going online.

Thats an excellent and interesting observation you’ve made. One of how Somali youth in the diaspora turned to social media to fill a void left from the lack of 'Somali company'. And perhaps many of us have even gone so far as to form concrete opinions about one another just based off of content consumed online.

I think there are similarities between the tribalism that plagued and still plagues our homeland and the gender wars that plagues our diaspora. Gender wars is the new tribalism. Just as tribalism was taught in the home - often by one’s own parents. The gender wars bear remarkable similarities in that they too are informed and fuelled by our intimate bond to our digital devices. For our generation, these devices were our parents, our brothers and our sisters. For many of us these devices held our deepest secrets that we wouldn’t dare tell our own parents. But this ‘parent’ device was also capable of unimaginable levels of trauma. Compare an abusive drunk father storming into his home late at night, his wife and kids bracing themselves for another episode of his violent outbursts. To a child roaming the dark web alone - both children here fall prey to forces capable of inflicting lifelong suffering. I say this to say as a child I was so deeply traumatised by horror films that I couldn’t sleep. I suffered from sleep deprivation as a result of watching horror films. And these were all mainstream horror films like Saw and Michael vs. Jason, and I am genuinely terrified for children with internet access today because there are things out there that would have traumatised me on a whole different level. Even the level of desensitisation to violence that has become so mainstream today bothers me a lot. I recall ISIS a couple of years ago and how major newspaper outlets would publish still images of IS beheadings on front page news. Like there aren’t children that would be impacted by that sort of image even if partially censored.
CAUTION: The Daily Telegraph front page cover 2014
Decades ago no newspaper would publish this sort of thing. But today, I guess because so many of us have been so desensitised to violence, we are indifferent to it.
But going back to the 'void', I want to know how deep that void is or was for us. And how relative it is to the sorts of voids that other young people from different backgrounds experience. Going through my teens I sat next to this white girl named Debra and she was an Emo. She would slit her wrist and I would be so shocked because as ethnic kids the beatings we would get from our parents would be enough. This cadaan girl was probably never touched by her mother and yet she would cut herself, drawing her own blood herself - for fun. I was so confused, why would you hurt yourself? I had another asian friend, his father would drink and abuse his mother. It shattered that young boy hearing his mother being abused by his father and being powerless to help her. He genuinely held so much hate for his father in his heart that at times I was convinced he would kill him eventually. Many other black kids I grew up with held very little if any contact with their fathers. One Jamacian friend of mine lived across the street from our house, he lived with his grandma and aunt. His mother had two young children from a different father and the youngest boy was so cute mashAllah. But that friend despite having a lot of gifts from his mother and grandma held a lot of resentment for his mother. Our friendship ended soon after he started crushing after my older sister. So sometimes I feel we (Somalis) in the diaspora had it easy in comparison to most ajnabis in the ghetto.

It's nicer to make same sex friendships because they are more enduring.

Well said. Couldn't have said it any better. But why can't non-same sex friendships be as enduring as same-sex friendships? Like I have this xalimo friend who I grew up with. She and I go back decades now that we're both in our 20s. She's married now to another Somali brother and I respect what they have together. I want to name my daughter Luul after her, also because I have an aunt that I love dearly named Luul - she was unable to bear children because she had infertility issues. I want to honour them both by naming my daughter after them. Our children will probably be good friends. And rightly so. I also know in order for me to find the right xalimo I need to be amongst as many xalimos as possible. It doesn't have to mean dating lots of xalimos but certainly have a good reputation amongst xalimos helps. If I avoid any sort of friendships with xalimos then how will the right xalimo that I know is out there for me ever know that I even exist? I just feel that I have a certain level of responsibility if I'm genuinely trying to find the right spouse to pursue her. And not shy away from it.

With that said, thanks so much for your comment @Sophisticate I always look forward to you sharing your thoughts with me and I appreciate it! Take care abaayo. And keep me up to date with what you're reading. You're highly articulated and always make for a great read

 

[Arma]

If you wanna make friends, go get out there. Join hobby/meetup groups. There are even somali only groups, that regularly meet up. It's fairly simple, saxiib.

 

[Danakiil]

Divest nigga

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

If you wanna make friends, go get out there. Join hobby/meetup groups. There are even somali only groups, that regularly meet up. It's fairly simple, saxiib.

Thanks for the advice bro. Where can I find meet-up groups? And could you please tell me the story of how you and wife met and fell in love. I'm genuinely interested

 

[Arma]

Thanks for the advice bro. Where can I find meet-up groups? And could you please tell me the story of how you and wife met and fell in love. I'm genuinely interested

Just google it bruh. If you live in a city which has Somali, then you'll find a group. You could also go to Somali events, like xaflads.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Divest nigga

For what? a white woman with rizla lips and an awfully bland persona. No, I like my xalimos. You 'niggas' can take cadaan women and get served porridge/mash and peas for breakfast, I'm going with my xalimo serving me the same anjeero, malawax and spiced shaah my forefathers have been breakfasting on for eons of years. I'm a proud son of Somaale, I love the same women my forefathers loved. Through me they continue to live on.

 

[DubatDiaries]

If you live in a city with a Somali community organization try to sign up and volunteer. Ive met so much people at these community organizations both as a kid and as an adult. You'll enjoy it.

The pandemic has helped me complete my transition into a recluse. I stopped going to any community functions and meeting with people. Even my siblings and parents have this issue. We keep each others company at home so it's not too bad I guess.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

If you live in a city with a Somali community organization try to sign up and volunteer. Ive met so much people at these community organizations both as a kid and as an adult. You'll enjoy it.

The pandemic has helped me complete my transition into a recluse. I stopped going to any community functions and meeting with people. Even my siblings and parents have this issue. We keep each others company at home so it's not too bad I guess.

Thanks @a_bilan appreciate the advice, I know I will

 

[Danakiil]

For what? a white woman with rizla lips and an awfully bland persona. No, I like my xalimos. You 'niggas' can take cadaan women and get served porridge/mash and peas for breakfast, I'm going with my xalimo serving me the same anjeero, malawax and spiced shaah my forefathers have been breakfasting on for eons of years. I'm a proud son of Somaale, I love the same women my forefathers loved. Through me they continue to live on.

You can learn to make laxoox iyo malawax on your own. You can still be a son of Samaale while divesting bro you seem overly stressed over such a small minority of women just looking out for a fellow Farax.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

You can learn to make laxoox iyo malawax on your own. You can still be a son of Samaale while divesting bro you seem overly stressed over such a small minority of women just looking out for a fellow Farax.

And I'm looking out for you brothers too. You guys think so poorly of Somali women you don't realise that most ajnabi women are far worse than the worsest of xalimos. You guys act like only xalimos are capable of being bad women when thats just not the reality. Don't hate xalimos. Divest. Only to realise 10yrs into a marriage with an ajanbi woman that Somali women weren't so bad after all. Also we all have a duty to our community to protect, and provide for our own people first and foremost. Don't neglect that responsibility

 

[𐒋𐒖𐒆𐒔𐒖𐒕𐒈]

Growing up I was the middle child as well as the only boy. I have a lot of sisters and they spend most of their time together or with their friends. We have a healthy relationship but not a lot in common. I use to have a lot of Somali male friends growing up but that was in high school. Since then we've all kind of went our own separate ways. One of my friends recently got married, another one is at a different university in another city, and the third went back home to Somalia. I see no Somali guys at my university. And so unfortunately most of my friends are asians/cadaans. Its so draining not having Somali friends that I feel really comfortable and relatable with. I see more Somali women than men, but befriending them is difficult because the assumption is if a Somali guy/gal are talking they must be preparing to marry each other. Going to school and work is made so much more difficult because of this. My parents tell me I'm making them proud and that I shouldn't be worried about the lack of Somalis in my life. They say Somali guys are trouble and would only serve as a distraction. But in reality I feel so uninspired and drained. I feel like a cog in the machine. So I want to take up volunteering at a local mosque that mainly serves the Somali community. I hope in so doing I can enjoy the company of more of my people of all ages, and maybe even make life long friends. I won't have a reason to not be praying all 5 of my salah at the masjid either.

Sometimes I feel so much jealousy for the youth our parents had. A whole country filled with nothing but people who look just like you. I'm angry because I feel circumstances beyond my control (the civil war) robbed me of what otherwise would have been a beautiful childhood in my home country surrounded by family, friends, and a whole country of my very own people. I fear my current circumstances may never change. That time will pass by faster and faster. And with that, all opportunities for great memories made with Somali friends.

Sometimes this great loneliness of Somali company turns into a strong incentive to get married. As being married to a xalimo would mean I would have a Somali friend who's dear to me and always around. Just the thought of having Somali children fills my heart with so much joy. Should I get married?

It is a phase most of us, who are driven, or wish to excel in life, go through, and whilst it is lonely at first, it is temporary, for post graduation, not only will you have made friends, of your choosing, and not convenience, but the right type of friends, and at your level. For now, what you will want to do is find a Somali mentor, a gentleman, who is successful in his chosen field, an erudite philosopher would be perfect, with whom you could joust in ideas, share observations, and reflections in life at large. He would be a bouncing board, sort of run ideas by him, as and when, esp. on days when assignments pile up, and the brain is no longer attending to deadlines.

I remember being in Yorkshire for my A levels, my first time outside of London, away from family and friends, meeting with a Somali gentleman, a religious Industrial Engineer, who invited me to his house with his wife and two young infants, and would ask his wife, bless her, to make me: a warm glass of milk with honey, and whilst devouring that, he would relay stories of his days at university in Leningrad, former USSR. I enquired about the magic in warm milk wth honey, and he said: milk induces two natural chemicals where one calms the inner self, with the other warming the physiology (I do not quite recall the scientific terms), but indeed that along with the stories would set me straight, and of course a few rounds of boxing in the ring later in the evening. The same thing whilst going to university in East Anglia, where I met with another Somali gentleman, a retired miner, and I would meet with him once or so a week, or invite him to a meal, at weekends, and the conversations had always been reflective focused upon the future.

See, in a young man's life, one is caught up in the present, and finds it hard to see into the future. These gentle giants were brilliant in establishing the nexus between the now and the after. These were good men, both religious, with great morals, and ethics of work, and discipline. Forever grateful, I remain for their time, and counsel. My connection with them was slightly different from that of my dear father, a giant on merit amongst his contemporaries, for these were friendships I formed, nurtured, and benefited from.

Volunteering is worthy, and broadens one's sphere of influence, if networking.

As a young man, in order to build one's confidence, stays healthy, and strong, one MUST pick a skill in the areas of martial arts, MMA, boxing, judo etc. This is a MUST for any young man. It is even a requirement once one has had a family, and in one's later years in life.

Best of luck, stay on track, and strong.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Relax. Its never that serious

I'm so sorry you sisters have to deal with these sorts of guys on a daily basis on here. If I was just another one of these guys disrespecting Somali women and girls they would've loved me but loving my sisters invokes so much hate its so sad. And its probably a young Somali teenager behind this account who has so much resentment for his own kind of women in his heart. It isn't healthy bro. Nobody should live with such hate for anyone let alone a whole group of people

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

It is a face most of us, who are driven, or wish to excel in life, go through, and whilst it is lonely at first, it is temporary, for post graduation, not only will you have made friends, of your choosing, and not convenience, but the right type of friends, and at your level. For now, what you will want to do is find a Somali mentor, a gentleman, who is successful in his chosen field, an erudite philosopher would be perfect, with whom you could joust in ideas, share observations, and reflections in life at large. He would be a bouncing board, sort of run ideas by him, as and when, esp. on days when assignments pile up, and the brain is no longer attending to deadlines.

I remember being in Yorkshire for my A levels, my first time outside of London, away from family and friends, meeting with a Somali gentleman, a religious Industrial Engineer, who invited me to his house with his wife and two young infants, and would ask his wife, bless her, to make me: a warm glass of milk with honey, and whilst devouring that, he would relay stories of his days at university in Leningrad, former USSR. I enquired about the magic in warm milk wth honey, and he said: milk induces two natural chemicals where one calms the inner self, with the other warming the physiology (I do not quite recall the scientific terms), but indeed that along with the stories would set me straight, and of course a few rounds of boxing in the ring later in the evening. The same thing whilst going to university in East Anglia, where I met with another Somali gentleman, a retired miner, and I would meet with him once or so a week, or invite him to a meal, at weekends, and the conversations had always been reflective focused upon the future.

See, in a young man's life, one is caught up in the present, and finds it hard to see into the future. These gentle giants were brilliant in establishing the nexus between the now and the after. These were good men, both religious, with great morals, and ethics of work, and discipline. Forever grateful, I remain for their time, and counsel. My connection with them was slightly different from that of my dear father, a giant on merit amongst his contemporaries, for these were friendships I formed, nurtured, and benefited from.

Volunteering is worthy, and broadens one's sphere of influence, if networking.

As a young man, in order to build one's confidence, stays healthy, and strong, one MUST pick a skill in the areas of martial arts, MMA, boxing, judo etc. This is a MUST for any young man. It is even a requirement once one has had a family, and in one's later years in life.

Best of luck, stay on track, and strong.

wow, thanks so much bro, appreciate the words. I want to talk to these guys too, just curious about the life story of a Somali miner in East Anglia and what Leningrad was like back then.