Ever Been In Trouble With The Law?

I have a few times. Nothing very serious in the main. Mostly speeding tickets that I never paid. But one was very serious. And it's taken years to play itself out. My ordeal only ended today. I'm very excited. I've been waiting for this day for ages. Aad baan ugu faraxsanahay wallahi.

Today is the day I get struck off the sex offender's register. I was breakdancing in the masjid out of joy. It's been a long and hard road, but I'm finally a free man.

I was sent to the lockup for grabbing Mustafa's booty after he looked at my then girlfriend with lustful eyes. I was about to paint his face white too with my organ of joy before concerned passersby jumped into the fray and pulled my pants up for me.

Turns out the guy was 15. I thought he was a man because he was very tall and muscular. Looks can be deceiving.

The silver haired magistrate told me that he understood cockslapping your enemies and violating their bodily integrity was a rich and time honored tradition of my clan, and that he did not want to disrespect my noble people in any way, shape, or form, but that things were done a little differently in Christendom. Only a custodial sentence could wipe away my foul and desperate crime. Mustafa was giggling like a schoolgirl at this point of the court proceedings. I told you he was not so innocent.

The turnkey put me in solitary confinement for my own safety because Mustafa's homeboys were in the pen and rumours swirled that pedos get bleedos. The inmates shoved snooker balls up their backside. Talk about shitting bricks. Five hard months I did behind those bars, always sleeping with one eye open, and always protecting my gluteus maximus from the intrusion of foreign objects. It was not a beautiful time.

Worst of all, the Majeerten ***** I was protecting from lustful eyes was letting Pakistanis touch her where no man before has gone before whilst poor little Bidaarle was wasting away in a six by eight cell with a violent skinhead who had a tattoo of Pepe the Frog.

I came out a broken and devastated man. I had to report to the station twice a week and stay five miles away from school playgrounds, youth clubs, and swimming pools for seven years. All because I had my wicked way with an unruly Moroccan kid.

Yesterday the copper at the station told me, "In light of your sedulous commitment to your parole conditions for the past seven years, and your proven record in abstaining from pounding North African A-holes with your ten inch manhood, I am happy to recommend removal of your name from our sex offenders database."

"Thank you, Officer Matthews", I said. "You are a good man. Your English is a little formal for black as coal odayaal like me. I'm just an illegal immigrant who's not passed his ESL class. But I can tell there's love in your heart for the negrotariat. God bless you ina adeerkis".

I'm holding a celebration party tonight. My life of crime is behind me. I'm a reformed man. All the *****s here are welcome to the bash. Print out this thread and give it to the bouncers posted at the door. I know the Mustafa wannabes on here will try to sneak in on the premise that rough sex is on the table, but there will be no mercy for lovers of gaylordism. Fartuuns, Sacdiyos, and Fatumos, I'm not as good lookin as my Facebook profile would have you think, but I have a hairy chest, and I'm ready to get my freak on.
 
you're one hell of a storyteller old man
Why do you say that my ordeal is a "story"? It's not a fairytale you know. Are you trying to cheapen my lived experience? And where's the expression of sympathy, the kiss, the soothing words?

Shame on you naya. Balaayo kugu dhacday.
 

Xooshdheere

how do i use this
VIP
a cop assaulted me for no reason, so i took my .45 and was like skkkkrrrrrr rah! Papakakaka, skibidib patpat and a putput drrrrrrrrr boom! and he died aun
 

ArchBishopofAtheism

Intellectual saqajaan
VIP
I was driving from Saskatchewan to Alberta, I was going 180km/h and a cop caught me on radar. He was driving a van, he put his lights on, and I never stopped. That's the baddest thing I've ever done
:mjlol:
 
Why do you say that my ordeal is a "story"? It's not a fairytale you know. Are you trying to cheapen my lived experience? And where's the expression of sympathy, the kiss, the soothing words?

Shame on you naya. Balaayo kugu dhacday.
I can't believe this is the thanks I get after acknowledging your creative writing skills. You'll never hear another compliment from me!
 

Lostbox

「Immortal Sage」
VIP
My mum told me I once stole chocolate bar as a toddler and her and the shopkeeper didn't notice.

Been clean since.
 
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I can't believe this is the thanks I get after acknowledging your creative writing skills. You'll never hear another compliment from me!
Abaayo macaan oo sonkor ka buuxdo, I don't know anything about creative writing. I'm just telling you how many times I had to avoid picking up the soap in prison. Why can't you see the injustice done to me? Mustafa got me sent to the clink for nothing.
 
I was driving from Saskatchewan to Alberta, I was going 180km/h and a cop caught me on radar. He was driving a van, he put his lights on, and I never stopped. That's the baddest thing I've ever done
:mjlol:
They should have sent your ass to prison for reckless driving. Nothing worse than an alcoholic atheist behind the wheels.
 
One time a guy tried to flirt with me.
He said "I'm carrying a deadly weapon underneath these clothes"

I calmly told him that I worked for the criminal prosecutor and gave her number to him if he felt like disposing on this lethal weapon in a lawful manner.
 
When I was year 7 few kids and me were playing in the park near our school with sticks and a policeman came and to take our names except mine because I gave them a fake name. lol it was nothing major anyway.
 

ArchBishopofAtheism

Intellectual saqajaan
VIP
One time a guy tried to flirt with me.
He said "I'm carrying a deadly weapon underneath these clothes"

I calmly told him that I worked for the criminal prosecutor and gave her number to him if he felt like disposing on this lethal weapon in a lawful manner.
That's a bummer. You should've told him you were a lesbian and that his weapon wasn't so deadly to you. :mjlol:
 

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