‘Settling’ or Compromise?

[XaawoLuul]

Good afternoon sspot.

Simple q: do we all ‘settle’ for someone decent in the end? Does the ideal person we have in our head ever come along?
Alx Ive had many good options come my way but all seem deficient in some way. I have this fear however that Im passing up good people in the hope that Ill get better....but what if it never happens and my options only depreciate over time?
Where do we draw the line between having standards and being too picky?

 

[HalimaJ]

I don't think you should settle when it comes to things that are incredibly important to you. You'll just end up miserable and resenting your husband.

We all have standards and requirements, but there are certain requirements that are at the bottom of our list. If a man doesn't tick one or two boxes, but has all the requirements that are at the top of your list, then give him a chance.

Also, open mindedness can bring you someone that you thought you wouldn't give a chance, but is everything you need.

 

[riyaale]

Everyone wants what he can’t have, and
does not want what he can have. It's a game that everyone familiar with it's ingrained in almost every human adults psyche , girls and guys think the easiest way to get someone is to "play it cool". This my friend called boy-girl theory.

When someone commits to his partner it's human nature for him or her to worry that there may be a better individual down the road. it's an almost uncontrollable urge for a person to wonder, at the last moment, if he or she missing out on a better person somewhere down the road.

To combat the negative effects of this your objective is to do everything within your power to bring the relationship as quickly as possible to point where the meher on the table and the papers ready to be signed.

 

[Mckenzie]

Just remember there are some things that can change and some that can't. If he isn't wealthy, he might have the potential to be but if he's 5'4 then don't settle.

 

[Tukraq]

Possible to find that person that meets all your requirements but chances are that they might have already been snatched up considering most people have similar hard to reach requirements, and depending on how picky you are it will probably be rarer and have more competition, which leads to the next point on competition are you your perfect others perfect other? Or do they have better options? If yes it will be even harder tbh, if no there’s a chance, but ideally you’d want to find this person earlier on when more of em are single due to like I previously said most likely being snatched up fast as quality always does

 

[AussieHustler]

The grass is always greener at the other side. No one is perfect and as long as one is willing to learn more about the habits and the history of the other person they want to live with the rest of their lives, then you either develop a way of navigating their imperfection or move on and giving them the opportunity to do the same on your imperfections. But Somali marriages are fast and furious. Tawakal.

 

[World]

In the older generation, fathers married off their daughters to the first decent man who asked for their hand. And they had long, happy marriages. Women are fickle minded, they don’t have the reasoning and judgement to pick an ideal partner. That is why you are rejecting good suitable partners for most likely petty reasons like his ears are too long or some other crap. If you were my daughter then I would have married you off to the first man who came through the door regardless of your opinion.

 

[HalimaJ]

In the older generation, fathers married off their daughters to the first decent man who asked for their hand. And they had long, happy marriages. Women are fickle minded, they don’t have the reasoning and judgement to pick an ideal partner. That is why you are rejecting good suitable partners for most likely petty reasons like his ears are too long or some other crap. If you were my daughter then I would have married you off to the first man who came through the door regardless of your opinion.

As a man would you be ok with being forced to marry someone you don't want?

Forced marriages are common in the Asian/arab community. I have observed that abuse, cheating and general disattisfaction is rife in their communities. Due to cultural pressure they just put up with it.

If that is your idea of a happy marriage, then yes.

 

[World]

As a man would you be ok with being forced to marry someone you don't want?

Forced marriages are common in the Asian/arab community. I have observed that abuse, cheating and general disattisfaction is rife in their communities. Due to cultural pressure they just put up with it.

If that is your idea of a happy marriage, then yes.

Well I’m a man so my parents can’t force me to marry anyone, however a father can compel a girl to marry a suitable man according to the shafi madhab which Somalis follow.

Asian and Arab marriages are far more successful than Somalis who get divorced a week after marriage because the girl felt like it. Just look at the statistics.

Abuse and cheating is highest in the western world, and they give women full freedom. Somalis are much more similar to the west than to other Muslim communities.

 

[diaby]

If she's not tall, slim and a peng lightskin thing i'm not interested

 

[saredochani10]

Well I’m a man so my parents can’t force me to marry anyone, however a father can compel a girl to marry a suitable man according to the shafi madhab which Somalis follow.

Asian and Arab marriages are far more successful than Somalis who get divorced a week after marriage because the girl felt like it. Just look at the statistics.

Abuse and cheating is highest in the western world, and they give women full freedom. Somalis are much more similar to the west than to other Muslim communities.

Forced mariage are against Islam. Read this .
Stop making up your own rules. The mariage is not valid if the girl does not agree with it.

 

[World]

Forced mariage are against Islam. Read this .
Stop making up your own rules. The mariage is not valid if the girl does not agree with it.

Not in the shafi madhab, that is a salafi site which i do not take seriously.

 

[HalimaJ]

Well I’m a man so my parents can’t force me to marry anyone, however a father can compel a girl to marry a suitable man according to the shafi madhab which Somalis follow.

Asian and Arab marriages are far more successful than Somalis who get divorced a week after marriage because the girl felt like it. Just look at the statistics.

There is also a difference of a opinion within the Shafii madhab aparently, and the all the other madhabs believe that this is not acceptable due to sahih hadiths in which the prophet s.a.w has said such a marriage is not valid. Plus, forced marriages is not the norm for us as Somalis Alhamdulliah.

Man or not, you would hate to be with someone you do not want. Women feel the same way. If you saw us as humans with actual thoughts and feelings, you wouldn't be coming up with such ridiculousness.

I grew up with Asians and around a lot. Yes their marriages last longer, but its a walking horror show. I don't see the point in even staying married if it is so damaging and dysfunctional.

Not all obviously, similar to the way there are many happily married Somali couples. Attraction and mutual interests is important for both men and women.

 

[saredochani10]

Not in the shafi madhab, that is a salafi site which i do not take seriously.

Ain't nobody cares about your madhab. It's what Allah SWT told us to follow and the prophet sws spoke on it. Khalas.

 

[jamal9]

I say don't settle, wait for that revert ex-con jaimacan with 7 kids from 8 different women to marry you. No somali farax can beat that. You will live happily thereafter.

Good afternoon sspot.

Simple q: do we all ‘settle’ for someone decent in the end? Does the ideal person we have in our head ever come along?
Alx Ive had many good options come my way but all seem deficient in some way. I have this fear however that Im passing up good people in the hope that Ill get better....but what if it never happens and my options only depreciate over time?
Where do we draw the line between having standards and being too picky?

.
I say don't settle, wait for that revert ex-con Jaimacan with 7 kids from 8 different women to marry you. No somali farax can beat that. You will live happily thereafter.

 

[Basra]

Good afternoon sspot.

Simple q: do we all ‘settle’ for someone decent in the end? Does the ideal person we have in our head ever come along?
Alx Ive had many good options come my way but all seem deficient in some way. I have this fear however that Im passing up good people in the hope that Ill get better....but what if it never happens and my options only depreciate over time?
Where do we draw the line between having standards and being too picky?

 

[Radical]

You shouldn't be focusing too much on the physical aspects like looks and wealth, instead try switching your mental tinder search filters to non-materialistic characteristics like ambition, personal values, common interests etc

Those are the key foundations to successful marriage as they cannot deteriorate through time (looks) nor at risk of declining or instigating unnecessary quarrels (money)

 

[HalimaJ]

Well I’m a man so my parents can’t force me to marry anyone, however a father can compel a girl to marry a suitable man according to the shafi madhab which Somalis follow.

Asian and Arab marriages are far more successful than Somalis who get divorced a week after marriage because the girl felt like it. Just look at the statistics.

Abuse and cheating is highest in the western world, and they give women full freedom. Somalis are much more similar to the west than to other Muslim communities.

Abuse? No. They just report it more.
Abuse and killing spouses is very common in Pakistan and the Indian subcontinent. That you can't even argue with that.

In the western world, they actually have facilities and organizations that help women deal and get away with abusive men. In Arab/Asian culture women are encouraged by their own families to stay with their abusive husbands. Asians are notorious for putting their wives on fire.

Anyway, there is no point explaining or conversing with you. You have shown time and time again your dislike of women.

 

[World]

There is also a difference of a opinion within the Shafii madhab aparently, and the all the other madhabs believe that this is not acceptable due to sahih hadiths in which the prophet s.a.w has said such a marriage is not valid. Plus, forced marriages is not the norm for us as Somalis Alhamdulliah.

Man or not, you would hate to be with someone you do not want. Women feel the same way. If you saw us as humans with actual thoughts and feelings, you wouldn't be coming up with such ridiculousness.

I grew up with Asians and around a lot. Yes their marriages last longer, but its a walking horror show. I don't see the point in even staying married if it is so damaging and dysfunctional.

Not all obviously, similar to the way there are many happily married Somali couples. Attraction and mutual interests is important for both men and women.

There is no difference of opinion, it is the official position of the madhab.

Actually forced marriages in rural areas and even a lot of urban areas are quite normal in the places I visited. It may be different where you are from.

Why would I hate the person I am marrying? What have they done to me? Nothing. You western women have too much kibir. If the man was average looking and decent and I was a girl, I would obey my father and marry the man.

Asian and Arab people come from stable family homes, their children are not in gangs and killing each other. Somalis on the other hand are overpresented in crime. They have populations in the millions whereas we have a measly 100,000 in the UK yet we commit more crime than them. It is the same in regards to education. Their children are all in good universities studying good degrees whilst Somali children are criminals or dh!los. This is because their marriage customs and family traditions are superior to ours. f*ck happiness. That’s not important.

 

[HalimaJ]

there is no difference of opinion, it is the official position of the madhab.

Actually forced marriages in rural areas and even a lot of urban areas are quite normal in the places I visited. It may be different where you are from.

Why would I hate the person I am marrying? What have they done to me? Nothing. You western women have too much kibir. If the man was average looking and decent and I was a girl, I would obey my father and marry the man.

Asian and Arab people come from stable family homes, their children are not in gangs and killing each other. Somalis on the other hand are overpresented in crime. They have populations in the millions whereas we have a measly 100,000 yet we commit more crime than them. It is the same in regards to education. Their children are all in good universities studying good degrees whilst Somali children are criminals or dh!los. This is because their marriage customs and family traditions are superior to ours. f*ck happiness. That’s not important.

What you mean to say is f*ck the happiness of women, because we both know that you wouldn't marry a woman your father picked out for you, if you were not attracted to her and you would sympathise with a man who was in that situation. You have no respect or empathy for women. That is why I accuse you of hating women across the board. I've seen posts of yours admiring Arabs and Asians for honor killing and abusing women, and wishing Somalis were like that. Women are evidently of no value to you.

You have just as much kibir if not more, but its okay for you to choose and be with someone you actually want, but you want to deny women that chance. Why? Do you feel superior to us? Do we lack emotions and desires? If you were a girl, i assure you your feelings surrounding the issue would not change. Sleeping with, procreating and living with, someone you do not want is disheartening for any human. Yet, us western women voicing our opinions is 'kibir'? Subhanallah.

Women wouldn't want to marry a guy they have no desire for the same reason you wouldn't. It is as simple as that and Alhamdulliah sahih hadiths make this clear that it is not acceptable. Where I am from forced marriages is not common, nor as any male family members of ours has ever forced us. They actually care about our happiness.

East Asians like the Chinese and Japanese, do not have culture of forced marriages yet their children are doing fine. Forced marriages, and forcing women into a lifetime of rape and unhappiness isn't the answer.

Arabs have social issues, just look at France. Asians have gangs in which they prey on little white girls, and many who engage in this are married.


Great examples walaal.