Why I will be the 1st in my bloodline to be monogamous

[JackieBurkhart]

the funny thing is that my parents are waaaayy tooo different. My mother is pretty, smart, educated, and come from a good family. While my father...... anyway lets just say that he's below her station, honestly speaking. I asked my mother why did she marry someone like my dad. For some info my mother is wickedly smart and cold, and doesn't believe in love, so I definitely know that she wasn't seduced/ didn't fall in love. She has easily divorced my 2 step fathers, and has quite a cold heart. Anyway back to the story, she said that she met my father while fleeing during the war. He liked her. She didn't like him at all, but found out that he was coming to America. She married him quickly and managed to come too loooool! she always told us that is the only reason she married him. my mother is the reason why her whole side of the family was able to come to america. She brought all of them here hahahahaha

Your mom feeling herself after coming to America like:

 

[Kalsoon]

Wise words walaal. Yeah, you eventually realise your parents are just human and make mistakes/ act irrationally. I don't want to hold onto the pain caused by my parents but I've never heard them appologise for the pain they've caused me or my siblings. I think that is by far the worst of all. To inflict pain and then to tell your children to get over it and carry on as normal. I've never had a serious conversation with my parents about their divorce. As a kid, I was told it was too complicated for me to understand and that I should wait until I was older to ask about it. Now that I'm older nobody seems to be in the mood for the conversation.

I can understand where you’re coming from, walaal. That pain is indeed worse because they’re denying acknowledging the hurt that caused you and seeing how it impacted you. You want to be seen by those you love the most. As we all do. It’s only natural.

I don’t want to sound cold-hearted but waiting for people (most importantly our parents) to realize how much they wronged us and to apologize sincerely is something that most likely won’t happen though. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. And the immense healing that comes from letting go of that was cathartic.

I have tried to have difficult conversations with a parental figure in my life but it went nowhere. It actually was even worse than I could have ever imagined lol. If someone isn’t willing to engage in healing communication, that’s on them. Maybe they’re not in a place in their growth to handle those tough topics. Our parents were from a different generation born in a different world and with different expectations on them. They too were told (verbally/non verbally) to just get over things and to always be strong.

To ease the pain from my heart, I also leave the matter with Allah. I excuse their behavior as coming from a place of possible ignorance at the time or misguided love so that I don’t try to dwell on what their thought process was.


Personally speaking, I have noticed more Somali people around me who are mature and responsible in most facets of their lives but lack emotional maturity. I can now see that wasn’t developed in them so they can’t handle many challenging conversations without their emotions going awry.

Allah tests us with people like we are tested with other life obstacles. Let’s be the opposite of their example like you stated by showing mercy (and forgiveness in due time) for the sake of Allah to them. This is the real test.

Alhamdulilah, may Allah give us the forbearance, wisdom and mercy to overcome this test. And let’s continue making dua to Allah for our parents to be guided.

Sidenote: Do you think the topic of their divorce is still a sensitive matter to them even today?

 

[jemappelle]

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

I can understand where you’re coming from, walaal. That pain is indeed worse because they’re denying acknowledging the hurt that caused you and seeing how it impacted you. You want to be seen by those you love the most. As we all do. It’s only natural.

I don’t want to sound cold-hearted but waiting for people (most importantly our parents) to realize how much they wronged us and to apologize sincerely is something that most likely won’t happen though. It was a lesson I had to learn the hard way. And the immense healing that comes from letting go of that was cathartic.

I have tried to have difficult conversations with a parental figure in my life but it went nowhere. It actually was even worse than I could have ever imagined lol. If someone isn’t willing to engage in healing communication, that’s on them. Maybe they’re not in a place in their growth to handle those tough topics. Our parents were from a different generation born in a different world and with different expectations on them. They too were told (verbally/non verbally) to just get over things and to always be strong.

To ease the pain from my heart, I also leave the matter with Allah. I excuse their behavior as coming from a place of possible ignorance at the time or misguided love so that I don’t try to dwell on what their thought process was.


Personally speaking, I have noticed more Somali people around me who are mature and responsible in most facets of their lives but lack emotional maturity. I can now see that wasn’t developed in them so they can’t handle many challenging conversations without their emotions going awry.

Allah tests us with people like we are tested with other life obstacles. Let’s be the opposite of their example like you stated by showing mercy (and forgiveness in due time) for the sake of Allah to them. This is the real test.

Alhamdulilah, may Allah give us the forbearance, wisdom and mercy to overcome this test. And let’s continue making dua to Allah for our parents to be guided.

Sidenote: Do you think the topic of their divorce is still a sensitive matter to them even today?

Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much walaal.

It’s split. If I ask hooyo about it then she’s upfront and doesn’t take much sensitivity to the issue of divorce. For her Abo’s polygamy was unacceptable and so she sought divorce. Abo is a lot more sensitive about it, he says it’s complicated but that the most important thing is both him and my mother love us and want the best for us. Deep down I just wanted my parents to be together, to at least try to work things out. I don’t think our parents really appreciated how important the nuclear family is to the emotional stability of their children. There were times in my childhood where Hooyo and Abo were together and seemed like they would be together forever. These were the most enjoyable moments in my childhood.

I want to believe that the afflictions we are faced with, like growing up in broken homes. Will; in Allah’s divine wisdom, make us better value the family unit to where the next generation of fathers and mothers are more successful in the pursuit of a life long marriage. Thank you for reminding me to leave things with Allah. You’re a lot more mature and forgiving than me. May Allah reward you for that and keep you steadfast in faith.

As Somalis, I definitely share your observation - we do lack the emotional maturity to realise the impacts of our behaviour on others. We must change this. Emotional maturity won’t just help raise our children and enable our marriages to flourish. It will create better bonds between Somali communities across tribal lines and help foster a stronger nation.

SIdenote: Do you have any advice on how we go about raising our levels of emotional maturity? And at what point can we be certain we’ve overcome our generational traumas to where we won’t be susceptible to inflict pain consciously or unconsciously to our own children?

 

[Kalsoon]

Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you so much walaal.

It’s split. If I ask hooyo about it then she’s upfront and doesn’t take much sensitivity to the issue of divorce. For her Abo’s polygamy was unacceptable and so she sought divorce. Abo is a lot more sensitive about it, he says it’s complicated but that the most important thing is both him and my mother love us and want the best for us. Deep down I just wanted my parents to be together, to at least try to work things out. I don’t think our parents really appreciated how important the nuclear family is to the emotional stability of their children. There were times in my childhood where Hooyo and Abo were together and seemed like they would be together forever. These were the most enjoyable moments in my childhood.

I want to believe that the afflictions we are faced with, like growing up in broken homes. Will; in Allah’s divine wisdom, make us better value the family unit to where the next generation of fathers and mothers are more successful in the pursuit of a life long marriage. Thank you for reminding me to leave things with Allah. You’re a lot more mature and forgiving than me. May Allah reward you for that and keep you steadfast in faith.

As Somalis, I definitely share your observation - we do lack the emotional maturity to realise the impacts of our behaviour on others. We must change this. Emotional maturity won’t just help raise our children and enable our marriages to flourish. It will create better bonds between Somali communities across tribal lines and help foster a stronger nation.

SIdenote: Do you have any advice on how we go about raising our levels of emotional maturity? And at what point can we be certain we’ve overcome our generational traumas to where we won’t be susceptible to inflict pain consciously or unconsciously to our own children?

Your father was trying to protect you at this point by telling you that. In shaa Allah one day when you’re a father and he sees you settled in that new life he will tell you the lessons he learned from his youth. Cherish the sweet times you had with both your parents maa shaa Allah indeed you were lucky to have that.

Mahadsanid walaal for the dua. May Allah give you all that is good for you and protect you from all forms of harm. I am working on being a more merciful person not for anyone’s sake but for Allah. Life is too short and too precious to hold animosity or enmity in my heart.

I am a work in progress and learning how to improve myself every day. Everyone has a different starting point and would need to self-reflect on their current condition. If someone doesn’t work on gaining self-awareness first though, they will be stuck repeating old patterns for a long time.

For me to mature emotionally, I had to acknowledge all the emotions I suppress(ed) and how to better handle them without judgement. This process is on-going and requires one to be patient with themselves and have self-compassion. With time, the progression should be self-evident. I started listening to educated people (academics in their field of expertise) on these matters and then went back to the Quran and sunnah to derive the best examples for myself.

As for the second question, you make a good point with this very thread here. You self-reflected on your childhood and made a conscious choice to go against everything harmful you saw as a means of safeguarding yourself and your future family. I believe that’s the first step. Then, when you have a family, you and your spouse both maintain the same level and even more effort to keep a good family home. Laakin, it’s good to be pragmatic. Children may feel hurt by some small things but that’s only part of growing up. They will need to learn how necessary it is to feel some pain in life. As it propels us towards growth, self-restraint and resilience. Cause if we give into everything kids want or demand due to fear of causing them trauma, they’ll turn out entitled like many people today.