Why I will be the 1st in my bloodline to be monogamous

[Yaraye]

Sorry if I've overshared. Just reading your post hit something in me I wouldn't usually feel.

that's what this website is for. To vent shit you can't say in real life. I do that. Feels like talking to a free therapist.

 

[Yaraye]

You definitely have repressed feelings. I would let them go if I were you

nah

 

[JackieBurkhart]

wallahi divorce ain't that bad. Probably cuz my parents divorced when I was like 2 years old and that's the life I grew up in. I don't know what a 2 parent household feels like. But i do know what it is to have my aunts, grandma, and uncle all in my busniess But I feel like my situation is better than those who see their parents miserable together.

Yeah, they've got in screaming matches. Dysfunctional traumatized somali parents for the win.

 

[Yaraye]

the funny thing is that my parents are waaaayy tooo different. My mother is pretty, smart, educated, and come from a good family. While my father...... anyway lets just say that he's below her station, honestly speaking. I asked my mother why did she marry someone like my dad. For some info my mother is wickedly smart and cold, and doesn't believe in love, so I definitely know that she wasn't seduced/ didn't fall in love. She has easily divorced my 2 step fathers, and has quite a cold heart. Anyway back to the story, she said that she met my father while fleeing during the war. He liked her. She didn't like him at all, but found out that he was coming to America. She married him quickly and managed to come too loooool! she always told us that is the only reason she married him. my mother is the reason why her whole side of the family was able to come to america. She brought all of them here hahahahaha

 

[Kalsoon]

Sometimes, it can be good to reflect on the actions of our parents both good and bad and its long-lasting effect on us. Their actions (or lack thereof) can have a profound impact on our development.

Based on what you witnessed, this is what you decided for yourself to avoid the same mistakes. Seems like a sensible take.


On another note, let’s use this as lesson for how our parents are also human beings who sometimes fall short of their parental duties. We should try our best to forgive them for their shortcomings (let go of our resentments) to heal and move forward in our lives.

 

[Yusuf Abdi Ali Rashid]

nigga really wrote an essay, it was quite profound tho.

 

[DubatDiaries]

I love my father

My greatma passed away after a long sickness. The first major problem I had as a teenager with both my parents was because they decided that I couldn’t go to my great grandma’s funeral/janazah because I was too young (I was 14, I don’t think that was too young). I knew she was sick and really old, so her death didn’t come as a huge surprise. But not having the ability to attend the funeral prayers of my beloved great grandma to me was beyond disrespectful. I felt my parents were being way too protective over me, hooyo and abo decided I couldn’t deal with it without consulting me first. I took it as just another instance of my parents being way too overprotective. My hooyo was overprotective, abo was just not wanting to do things with me like take me along to family functions. After that, I was so petty as a teenager that I promised myself that since I was not allowed to go to my great grandmas funeral, I would never attend a funeral ever in my life. So when people ask me aged 40 why I didn’t attend a funeral. I’ll say when I was 12, I was prevented from attending my great grandmothers’ funeral and since nobody is more important to me than her, I won’t be attending. After my great grandma passed, it was just my grandma. And as she too, grew old. I’d spend more and more time with her. She talked to me about life in Somalia. The good and the bad. The good of the friends and family, the open country roads, the papayas and mangos. Then she would talk about her regrets. The greatest of which was not spending more time with her daughters. My eyeeyo had married many times and had lots of children. Her first marriage produced four daughters but after that ended in a divorce and she later remarried, as was tradition mothers who remarried with children from a previous marriage couldn’t bring their ex-husband’s children into their new husband’s home. So eyeeyo was separated geographically from her daughters. This was Somalia, in the 80s. There was no internet, calls were unreliable and expensive. My grandmother was separated from her daughters. And even though alhamdullah all her daughters are alive and well now, the massive time spent apart cannot be made back. That was my grandmothers greatest regret in life.

So when I think about polygamy just through the lens of my own lived experiences, I see the generational traumas. I see beautiful Somali children who have what it takes to succeed in life but are being robbed by their own parents of that vital environment from which they can grow to become the best versions of themselves. Its’ really selfish. You know the infamous Somali saying… its me against my brother, my brother and me against our father, my brother, my father and me against our family. So on and so forth until its me and my country against the world. Theres also the: our parents against each other and our parents against us - their children. Why do we rob each other of love and affection? Isn’t the greatest patriot he who builds and maintains a strong family unit? I believe the most patriotic Somali is he/she who is a great husband/wife and father/mother.

Whilst researching these things, let’s also pay attention to how as men there is great power in practicing celibacy. Beyond even the spiritual. Emotionally, physically, financially as men we prosper when we are disciplined about our sexual health. Most Muslim men pursue polygamy purely for sexual gratification. But what we sacrifice for that is much greater. Similarly what we gain from sexual discipline is much greater in the long term. The time, energy, money you are sacrificing for polygamy is not worth it

These three images; hooyo crying the night she found out. 10yr old Somali boy at the top of the stairs terrified by arguing parents. And my eyeeyo’s greatest regret. Will forever be on my consciousness. God willing I never make my wife cry as my mother did. God willing my son never has to experience that sort of terror. God willing my wife doesn’t grow old with or without me, regretful over not having spent more time with her own children.

I don't know if i'm being overly emotional tonight but this post made me cry. God bless you.

I carry so much guilt for not being in contact with my half sister. She is just a child. I try not to think of it. I love my father but we don't really speak about it. At this point i'm happy that he is in my life. I hope I get the courage to talk to him about it so I can get to know my younger sister. My siblings don't have a good relationship with my father and it breaks my heart to see, How are you so lonely when you have all these kids?
My mom is one of the most religious women i've seen but she was completely broken when my dad married a second wife. She's still married to him, they don't fight but I can tell she carries so much resentment and hurt. Its been almost 10 years and it still weighs her down.

 

[GemState]

Why are you snitching?

 

[DubatDiaries]

I apologize for adding to the trauma dump. this was a long night

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

I love my father

I don't know if i'm being overly emotional tonight but this post made me cry. God bless you.

I carry so much guilt for not being in contact with my half sister. She is just a child. I try not to think of it. I love my father but we don't really speak about it. At this point i'm happy that he is in my life. I hope I get the courage to talk to him about it so I can get to know my younger sister. My siblings don't have a good relationship with my father and it breaks my heart to see, How are you so lonely when you have all these kids?
My mom is one of the most religious women i've seen but she was completely broken when my dad married a second wife. She's still married to him, they don't fight but I can tell she carries so much resentment and hurt. Its been almost 10 years and it still weighs her down.

I apologize for adding to the trauma dump. this was a long night

You're not oversharing or adding to the trauma walaal. Your generous words mean a lot. I appreciate you!
Alhamdullah I'm not lonely per say. The many children are a delight!
I pray your hooyo and Aabo can overcoming their sorrows and forge a better relationship.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Sometimes, it can be good to reflect on the actions of our parents both good and bad and its long-lasting effect on us. Their actions (or lack thereof) can have a profound impact on our development.

Based on what you witnessed, this is what you decided for yourself to avoid the same mistakes. Seems like a sensible take.


On another note, let’s use this as lesson for how our parents are also human beings who sometimes fall short of their parental duties. We should try our best to forgive them for their shortcomings (let go of our resentments) to heal and move forward in our lives.

Wise words walaal. Yeah, you eventually realise your parents are just human and make mistakes/ act irrationally. I don't want to hold onto the pain caused by my parents but I've never heard them appologise for the pain they've caused me or my siblings. I think that is by far the worst of all. To inflict pain and then to tell your children to get over it and carry on as normal. I've never had a serious conversation with my parents about their divorce. As a kid, I was told it was too complicated for me to understand and that I should wait until I was older to ask about it. Now that I'm older nobody seems to be in the mood for the conversation.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Beautiful story walal. You should become a writer, I like your style and story telling.

I wish more men did that, there’s a sickness in our culture where men think they can get away with abusing their status and disregarding their family. There’s a reason we have the mah mah , “when a man divorces his wife, he divorces his kid.”

Polygamy does nothing but hurt women/children and destroy families. You’ll be stopping generational curses and will be a great father Inshallah.

Thank you walaal. You're not the first person who has said that I should become a writer. I'm starting to think I really should consider writing more seriously.

InshAllah you will be a great mother too, praying Allah gives you and all our sisters righteous husbands and children.

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Agree with @Magan95 , you should write a story about your life and these stories you've mentioned to us. They enthralled me and I was captivated.

Appreciate your generous words walaal.

 

[DubatDiaries]

You're not oversharing or adding to the trauma walaal. Your generous words mean a lot. I appreciate you!
Alhamdullah I'm not lonely per say. The many children are a delight!
I pray your hooyo and Aabo can overcoming their sorrows and forge a better relationship.

Thank you. I was referencing my father. He has a strained relationship with my siblings and leads a lonely life

 

[hamar_oo_iidil]

Thank you. I was referencing my father walaal. He has a strained relationship with my siblings and leads a lonely life

Have you consider getting everybody together for a family day out or something?

 

[DubatDiaries]

Have you consider getting everybody together for a family day out or something?

That’s a great idea actually. I’ll make sure to plan one when he gets back. He’s in Somalia right now.

 

[Richard Pearson]

How I feel reading yall stories


Hopefully, you are blessed with suitable partners *a singular suitable spouse

 

[Qeelbax]

1 other sibling? Stop capping nigga

I have only one other full sibling but 1 half.
My parents are millennials sxb.

 

[Basra]

So I’ve been contemplating for a long time whether polygamy was something I would do in life. All my grandfathers were polygamists, my father too. But my experiences growing up as a child combined with the knowledge I’ve gained through research has made me pretty firm in my decision to be a monogamist for life.

I recall my parents divorce story. Abo went on a ‘business trip’ to Africa. This wasn’t completely out of the blue. Abo had a brick and mortar store so business travels didn’t seem unusual for Hooyo. But Hooyo was uneasy about Abo going. Once he left, she went to a business friend who shared the store with him one day after school. She appealed to his Somalinimo and he spilled the beans. How Aabo had alluded to getting married to a wife over in Africa on his trip. Once Abo got back, he came home leaving all his luggage at the house before visiting some friends and family whom he had bought things for. While he was gone that night, and as I was preparing to go to bed, I hear Hooyo calling me downstairs. So I went, and there I find Hooyo sat alone she points to the luggage and told me to bring her the camera bag Abo had taken on his holiday. Initially I refuse as Abo doesn’t like us going through his things. But Hooyo guilt trips “Am I not your mother, I’m asking you to bring me that” so I do. Hooyo asks me to unzip the camera case and switch on the camera. I’m nervous - Abo is probably going to walk in any moment and be so angry I’m going through his belongings. The first photo is a landscape picture of the beautiful scenery. But as I flick through further there are photos of my father suited up, with a bride in a white dress. And I was so stunned. I recall Hooyo breaking down in tears. I was her only shoulder to cry on and I was 10. I didn’t want to cry in front of my mom so I rushed up stairs to my bedroom. It was so sad how in the space of 30mins or so, I went from getting ready for bed and school the next day to going to bed that night in tears, utterly heartbroken. Realising my parents were probably going to have a divorce. And feeling guilty for being the one that played a role in that… why did I have to even be awake that time? If I had just gone to bed 30mins earlier, would my parents have ever had a divorce?

That night started the long process of divorce. There were a lot more arguments, times when Abo would be kicked out, then let back in. Then kicked out again. After a year or so of this, I just remember feeling so mentally and emotionally drained as a kid. Because you would see your parents back together and think that their issues were resolved but things would flare up again in weeks and so you went between the two extremes emotionally of thinking your parents would remain married together or that they were going to separate permanently. Our parents divorce took over our family life. We had a lot of children but both our parents could no longer pay attention to us. Me and my elder sister became really bad in school. I got into a lot of fights. I was so frustrated, felt unheard and powerless to affect my circumstances. I came to school with a lot of rage. My mom gave my dad the ultimatum of divorcing his second wife or divorcing her. His second wife was now pregnant with a son. Family tried contacting hooyo but hooyo felt his family was to blame in keeping his 2nd marriage a secret. I started to see hooyo disrespecting abo. Once abo was calling and she hung up on him, we was suppose to talk to him after her but didn’t get the chance to. As I became a teenager, I started hearing more from scholars about how Polygamy is halal and so I was confused as to why Hooyo was practicing but rejecting parts of Islam. Especially since it meant the break up of our family unit. Hooyo would say things like how Abo didn’t care about us, cares more about women than about his children. Those words could’ve really made me feel some type of way. You know telling your child that their father does not love them isn’t the nicest thing to say. Hooyos love wasn’t all sweet. I started to see how overprotective hooyo was of me, I didn’t know how to communicate this to her. I guess I was embodying the same sort of communication flaws that I had seen in my parents. So my way of dealing with the overprotectiveness of my mother was distancing myself further. This wasn’t easy, as I was hooyo’s only male direct family. All hooyos brothers passed away, since divorcing Abo Hooyo didn’t remarry and thus had no husband. And her father and grandfather were long dead. Even hooyos sisters and mother passed away. I also learned much later on that prior to marrying Abo Hooyo had married and divorced another Somali man back home in Somalia before leaving the country for good. That marriage bore a child, a son. But the son died a few hours after his birth. I’m my hooyos only son. Sat downstairs that night me and hooyo discovered abo’s 2nd marriage in Africa, I remember how I felt. How I promised myself I would never make a woman cry the way hooyo did that night.

My second lived experience of why polygamy isn’t for me is my step brother. A rainy, grey cloudy sky afternoon, sometime in November. I was having my usual evening call with hooyo that weekend, hooyo mentioned abo was moving house with his wife and kids and since he had not seen me for a while, that I should go see him and help him out with the house move. I felt I had more important things to do but went along for hooyos sake. Abo was cheerful to see his son, I couldn’t help but notice the bad vibe he and his wife had. So many subliminal stuff he was saying. I noticed he was also sleeping in a separate room. Hooyo had said something about him and his wife going back and forth. They were close to a serious divorce. But all of these thoughts stood still when I saw my father’s younger son stood atop of the staircase. He was so caught up in his parents arguing downstairs he didn’t even realise I was there. The boy is 10. And it felt like deja vu. I was him just 10 years ago. In the exact position. I thought about what my parents divorce did to me and my siblings. And thought about him and his siblings. How much potential he, just like we have if given the right environment to flourish. I felt so much anger at my father. How could he do this all over again.

Abo, just like many Muslim men talk about how much they desire sons. But from what I experienced, their sons were never given the mentoring, the role models, or the resources they needed to become the best men they can possibly be. I remember Abo’s last words to me when he was leaving for good: “you’re the man of the house now”. At the time I was so proud of that title. Looking back now in retrospect, I feel I was robbed of my boyhood. I feel it was selfish of my father to break up our family over his sexual/emotional desires - something that as adults we’re suppose to have overcome and tamed. To then tell a boy to man up and take on a father’s responsibility. A complete role reversal where fathers are behaving like boys and boys are being told to behave like fathers. The image of that young Somali boy about 10 who looked just like me, stood on the top of the staircase looking down — absolutely terrified of the divorce his parents are going through, will forever haunt me.

My third lived experience of why polygamy isn’t for me is my eyeeyo. Growing up, my eyeeyos house was a safe space. My grandma lived with my great grandma. I was really, really fortunate to have seen both. She lived in a quiet neighbourhood with lots of single storey homes purpose-built for the elderly. Some days after school hooyo or aabo would drop me off at eyeeyos. Eyeeyo’s food was heavenly and she would have some Quran playing while she pruned the trees in her small garden. My great grandma would be in her rocking chair sowing. She must have been 95 but mashAllah she was glowing. She would stop me as I wondered around the small house, call me into her room and tell me long stories about her life. She was so old but filled with so much positivity, so much life. Sometimes I think about her and doing so alone is enough to keep me steadfast in faith, enough to keep me moving forward.

How did it feel after typing ALL this fantasy out of you? Did u have a massive relief when u woke up?

 

[Aurelian]

Wow, that was a lot of text, but your writing skill made it as if it was little. write more.

I think absent fathers should be shown any kindness from their children when they grow up. The same way they were not emotionally, and physically present, their children should do the same.

For the polygamy, imam Shafici discourage from marrying more than one women at the same time. I think he was right.