Should Somalis adopt the concept of arranged marriage?

[sagegreen]

Arranged marriages are too messy. Somalis will abuse the word sabr. Or they will shame you for you divorcing because "Your grandparents we're never divorced". Or they involve qabil into it to let things work out. How embarrassing. People will remember that. Be low-key and let no one know your business.

 

[Enter]

That type of arranged marriages are great. I think us Somalis need to start being a bit more proactive. Example, if you have a son and your best friend who you know has a daughter raised similarly to the way you raised your children, then of course introducing them would be a great idea. They'll probably get along and have similar family values.

However, to the people idealising Pakistanis and Indians... This is not right. Many have toxic relationships that chip away at someones mental and physical health. High rates of female abuse and even murder at times. They also have a lot more family drama compared to Somalis.

At the end of the day, high divorce rates are bad. However divorce is still a mercy as the reason why Allah has allowed us to divorce is to avoid even more haram and toxic situations that are found a lot more in Asian households.

Moderation is key.

I don't view South Asians are the ideal, but I do believe they're faring much better than us. We could write an essay of the flaws in their community, but at the end of the day they're doing OK for themselves. Most their women and children are taken care of and grow up in 2-parent households. It's true that because of cultural norms and often specifically marrying within the family, it has the potential to create uniquely toxic situations that are foreign to Somalis. But the horror stories ultimately compromise a minority of their community.

Meanwhile Somalis snub their nose at them when we're worse off even without blindly chasing divorce stats. Particularly diaspora girls who are ironically the ones that need it the most.

I've dipped my toe in the cadcad community, and I think they have found a good balance. There's a healthy sense of urgency that other Somalis lack and they are proactive.

 

[Angelina]

I don't view South Asians are the ideal, but I do believe they're faring much better than us. We could write an essay of the flaws in their community, but at the end of the day they're doing OK for themselves. Most their women and children are taken care of and grow up in 2-parent households. It's true that because of cultural norms and often specifically marrying within the family, it has the potential to create uniquely toxic situations that are foreign to Somalis. But the horror stories ultimately compromise a minority of their community.

Meanwhile Somalis snub their nose at them when we're worse off even without blindly chasing divorce stats. Particularly diaspora girls who are ironically the ones that need it the most.

I've dipped my toe in the cadcad community, and I think they have found a good balance. There's a healthy sense of urgency that other Somalis lack and they are proactive.

Saxib, believe me when I say their relationships are 5x more toxic than we can imagine. Staying together at times comes at the expense of any personal happiness and health. Their relationships aren't better than Somalis at all. They're simply forced to stay together. At least with us, we understand that oppression isn't better than divorce. Arranged marriages do happen in the Somali community btw, but if things don't work out, we don't have elders trying to shun you.

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[alexander]

If it’s just blind hook up dates then no problem but it is not. Poor girls will be forced to marriage to older men.

 

[ImanStan001]

u probably support khaniis people but u are against cousin marriage interesting

U don’t know me

 

[Bundasliga]

As long its not forced & the 2 give their consent it can take huge amounts of time and burden of the 2.

Desi families set their kids up with other successful kids/families. It works just fine with them .

 

[Angelina]

As long its not forced & the 2 give their consent it can take huge amounts of time and burden of the 2.

Desi families set their kids up with other successful kids/families. It works just fine with them .

I like that modern Asians set their kids up with likeminded men ect. All my Professional Asian friends have married men in similar fields or higher, where as in the Somali community it can be a bit harder for the girls. In fact, the guys here love telling women that they should drop their standards as men don't care about a womans accomplishments.

 

[Djokovic]

U don’t know me

U Stan a naked women that has disgraced majerteens for the past 40 years I think I know where your morals lie

 

[Bundasliga]

I like that modern Asians set their kids up with likeminded men ect. All my Professional Asian friends have married men in similar fields or higher, where as in the Somali community it can be a bit harder for the girls. In fact, the guys here love telling women that they should drop their standards as men don't care about a womans accomplishments.

Asian communities are doing probably far better education wise that's also a reason its easier for their men to find someone suitable.


You already said it if there aren't enough guys in their caliber then look elsewhere lol or drop some standards.

 

[Enter]

Saxib, believe me when I say their relationships are 5x more toxic than we can imagine. Staying together at times comes at the expense of any personal happiness and health. Their relationships aren't better than Somalis at all. They're simply forced to stay together. At least with us, we understand that oppression isn't better than divorce. Arranged marriages do happen in the Somali community btw, but if things don't work out, we don't have elders trying to shun you.

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I feel like you're generalization their community too much. They do disproportionately have the problems you mentioned and exactly for the reason you mention, but it's not nearly as defining of their communities as we like to think. I'm on the same page as you when it comes to divorce which is specifically why I'm not citing their extremely low divorce rates as a positive. That's not something I suggest we adopt from them. It's better to divorce if it prevents worse.

I am also not comparing individual marriages saying Pakistani couples are happier than Somali couples. From a collective perspective, they're faring better than us. The Somali community is in complete shambles. The unique levels of anger and bitterness present in our community particularly around the subject of marriage and gender relations are a symptom of the unique dysfunctions we face. The all too common struggles single-parent Somali households go through is borderline non-existent among Pakistanis in the same way I cannot fathom pressuring my sister to stay in an unhappy marriage no matter how trivial her reasoning. The difference is in my opinion that those sorts of dysfunctions and household failures are more defining of my community than the mean MIL/husband house slave cinderella situation is of theirs.

Masha'Allah. Your family is in the minority in the diaspora. The opinions on arranged marriages in this thread are quite reflective of what I've heard of IRL from girls. Somali guys are only marginally more open to it, but the male experience of getting married is vastly different and more forgiving. Well, in this Dunya.

 

[Sophisticate]

If it involves getting married to a fine gazelle like @Sophisticate I'm 110% for it

Sorry but the pandemic and its mandates haven't lifted yet.

 

[Bundasliga]

Arranged marriages are too messy. Somalis will abuse the word sabr. Or they will shame you for you divorcing because "Your grandparents we're never divorced". Or they involve qabil into it to let things work out. How embarrassing. People will remember that. Be low-key and let no one know your business.

This is a general problem & not unique to arrange marriages tho

 

[Qeelbax]

Reading some of the comments here This is why somalis fail and pakistanis and some arabs and cad cad are smarter this is one of the other reasons why somalis stuck in same place pakistanis are smarter

I know of a pakistani brother who married his cousin and 10 years later still with his wife and is happy lives like a king and alot of the friends we share alot of them divorced or in marriage living in hell we use to say nah to him but now it was a very smart idea from his part he still lives it up and does him travel when he wants etc

cad cad do the arrange marriage stuff also they keep the money inhouse and you have more control over your woman etc

Somalis fail compared to cadcads??

Also, Pakis/Arabs focus more on education and social mobility WAY more than the average somali. Many Somali parents were in arranged marriages and popped 10 kids but they still don’t have enough kids doing well to compete with arabs/pakis that have 2/3 kids.

Has nothing to do with arranged marriage you idiot

 

[Dima&Damo]

U Stan a naked women that has disgraced majerteens for the past 40 years I think I know where your morals lie

 

[Aboow]

Somalis fail compared to cadcads??

Also, Pakis/Arabs focus more on education and social mobility WAY more than the average somali. Many Somali parents were in arranged marriages and popped 10 kids but they still don’t have enough kids doing well to compete with arabs/pakis that have 2/3 kids.

Has nothing to do with arranged marriage you idiot

I wish we cared more about financial and social mobility. I feel like a lot of Somalis are selfish and don’t want to sacrifice for their family .

Education is very important and I hate hearing people downplay it!

 

[Angelina]

I feel like you're generalization their community too much. They do disproportionately have the problems you mentioned and exactly for the reason you mention, but it's not nearly as defining of their communities as we like to think. I'm on the same page as you when it comes to divorce which is specifically why I'm not citing their extremely low divorce rates as a positive. That's not something I suggest we adopt from them. It's better to divorce if it prevents worse.

I am also not comparing individual marriages saying Pakistani couples are happier than Somali couples. From a collective perspective, they're faring better than us. The Somali community is in complete shambles. The unique levels of anger and bitterness present in our community particularly around the subject of marriage and gender relations are a symptom of the unique dysfunctions we face. The all too common struggles single-parent Somali households go through is borderline non-existent among Pakistanis in the same way I cannot fathom pressuring my sister to stay in an unhappy marriage no matter how trivial her reasoning. The difference is in my opinion that those sorts of dysfunctions and household failures are more defining of my community than the mean MIL/husband house slave cinderella situation is of theirs.

Masha'Allah. Your family is in the minority in the diaspora. The opinions on arranged marriages in this thread are quite reflective of what I've heard of IRL from girls. Somali guys are only marginally more open to it, but the male experience of getting married is vastly different and more forgiving. Well, in this Dunya.

Providing the parents aren't qabil obsessed and care more about other qualities, arranged marriages can definitely be great.

Only issue is that some Somali parents have very low standards. I know of cases of them encouraging their daughter to marry guy because he is 'of the same tribe' and apart from that, the chap doesn't have any other qualities they can speak of apart from being habal habal's son. What about his level of education, career, ambition, what about doing proper background checks to see if he regularly attends the masjids ect. A lot of arranged marriages won't work in our community as a lot of fathers are complacent and laid back when it comes to their role of Walis.

Despite timo jilecs marriage issues, one thing I do admire is that parents try to make sure their daughters get with proper providers with a similar educational backgrounds as their daughters. Many older generation Somalis don't have that mentality.

 

[Woke1.4rm.Shibis]

Arranged marriage doesnt = cousin marriage nor forced marriage .
I know few somalis who got married through arranged marriage in their early 20s and they are happily married with beautifull familly. .
If somalis practiced this more we wouldnt have depressed 30+ year old females running around like headless shimbirs .

 

[Abdisamad]

Sorry but the pandemic and its mandates haven't lifted yet.

Under the pandemic is the perfect time to get married.. Thanks to the restrictions and the lockdown the wedding expenses are minimal, many faraxs have taken advantage of this opportunity.

 

[KobeBryant]

Under the pandemic is the perfect time to get married.. Thanks to the restrictions and the lockdown the wedding expenses are minimal, many faraxs have taken advantage of this opportunity.

Pandemic has seen surge in marriages due to zero weddings costs and small nikkah’s because of the covid restrictions.

 

[Abdisamad]

Pandemic has seen surge in marriages due to zero weddings costs and small nikkah’s because of the covid restrictions.

True.. Thank Allah for the pandemic many brothers have secured a wife with zero debt