My father and my paternal side of the family is cutting ties with me because I don’t want anything to do with my mother

[Pearl of the Indian Ocean]

https://www.somalispot.com/threads/...eges-children-have-over-their-parents.167333/

So for context I suggest you read the thread I made above to understand this thread I am about to make

So I live with my father and his wife and kids; recently I got into an argument with my father which escalated into my father wanting to kick me out and find another place to stay

Know my father suggests I go stay with my mother but for those who’ve read the thread I linked up I don’t want anything to do with my mother, I’ve decided to cut ties with her due to what she’s done to both me and my brother; my father denies these things and says I lied and that the shaitan whispered in my ear for me to leave; he denies everything my mother did and now wants me to move on

I told him I don’t want anything to do with my mother and he got pissed and threatens to cut ties with me and not allow me to see my half siblings (which are his kids with another wife) and also my father’s siblings and mother as well as the entirety of my father’s side of the family wants to cut ties with me just because I don’t want to go and help the same woman who made my brother and I’s life a living hell. Literally

He says my mother suffers from gastric pain and in and out of hospitals and she’s also asking ppl for money. I don’t why that has anything to do with me, as a child even when I was sick my mother would still beat me senselessly and feel nothing afterwards. Why would o want to live and endure a women so wicked I don’t understand

Islamically it is allowed for a person to cut ties with their parents if they’ve been physically and sexually abused; both my mother and aunt have done these things for me so it’s ok for me to move on with my life. My father and his side of the family are just easily gonna remove me for their lives without a second thought just because I don’t want to go and live with my childhood torturer. Makes no sense

Any advice would be very helpful and I struggle to wrap my head around the part where it’s my fault literally everybody in family is against me and willing to cut me off for not wanting to be with my childhood torturer

I will complain to the creator of the 7 heavens for this indiscretions

 

[wonyluvr]

Im sorry

 

[wonyluvr]

You shouldn’t have a relationship with your
Mother if you don’t want to don’t want to.Please listen to yourself instead of them.

 

[Aseer]

Are you still in school? do you have a part time job?

 

[hopelessMan]

Okay, this is going to be long, so I highly advise you that you read it!

First of all I read the the thread you linked, and I wanna say that your father is just as bad as your mother. Just because he and your mother divorced doesn't mean he was absolved of his responsbility in raising you as his child. The fact that he moved on with his life without so much as checking on his kid says a lot about him.

Secondly, it sounds like your mother was impacted by the divorce as a lot of women are these days, but this does not excuse or justify her actions towards you and your brother. She took her anger and frustrations out of you which she was 100% wrong to do. She was clearly a bad mother, and I think you suffered a lot in her hands. With that said, I would advise you that you don't cut ties with her entirely. This doesn't mean you have a relationship with her either by the way. First thing you should do is sit down with her, and tell her everything you've jus told us and explain to her what a terrible father she's been and tell her this is the reason why you want to have a limited relationship with her, and on your own terms. This way, she at least understands why you're making the decisions you're making. I would have the same conversation with your father and the other assholes in the family, because that's what they are and unfortunately we don't choose our family.

Finally, the biggest advice I am going to give you is to quickly figure out how to make a living while also FORGING a career simultaneously! This is super important because you'll need to be financially independent in order for you to not fall into drugs, depression and fucked up shit. I say this because it is clear to me that you have no one you can rely on, your mother fucked up but to me your father is even worse, and he sounds like he doesn't care. I ain't trying to come in between yall but kicking out your kid to have a relationship with his abusive mother sounds selfish to me. I hate it to be the bearer of bad news, but you're completely on your own but fortunately for you, you have time on your side as you're still very young.

So get a job, any job really, it just has to be for your food and a room, and then move in with some dudes, I am sure you know some somali dudes(I am assuming you're a guy), and go to school to get a degree. Be patient because this won't be easy, don't waste your time playing football or going to shisa bars, don't hang around coffee shops, stick to this plan and you'll graduate with your degree by the time you're 24 or 25 and from there, life should bee much much easier for you, at least financially.

The last thing you want is to have all that baggage with your selfish parents, and then have money problems with no one to bail you out. Take my advice please, I have seen young kids your age fall victim to drugs, gangs, go to prison all because they had similar upbringing as yours and had no directions or guidance. If you need more advice, feel free to hit my DMs, I'll be more than happy to guide you as an older brother.

 

[Pearl of the Indian Ocean]

Okay, this is going to be long, so I highly advise you that you read it!

First of all I read the the thread you linked, and I wanna say that your father is just as bad as your mother. Just because he and your mother divorced doesn't mean he was absolved of his responsbility in raising you as his child. The fact that he moved on with his life without so much as checking on his kid says a lot about him.

Secondly, it sounds like your mother was impacted by the divorce as a lot of women are these days, but this does not excuse or justify her actions towards you and your brother. She took her anger and frustrations out of you which she was 100% wrong to do. She was clearly a bad mother, and I think you suffered a lot in her hands. With that said, I would advise you that you don't cut ties with her entirely. This doesn't mean you have a relationship with her either by the way. First thing you should do is sit down with her, and tell her everything you've jus told us and explain to her what a terrible father she's been and tell her this is the reason why you want to have a limited relationship with her, and on your own terms. This way, she at least understands why you're making the decisions you're making. I would have the same conversation with your father and the other assholes in the family, because that's what they are and unfortunately we don't choose our family.

Finally, the biggest advice I am going to give you is to quickly figure out how to make a living while also FORGING a career simultaneously! This is super important because you'll need to be financially independent in order for you to not fall into drugs, depression and fucked up shit. I say this because it is clear to me that you have no one you can rely on, your mother fucked up but to me your father is even worse, and he sounds like he doesn't care. I ain't trying to come in between yall but kicking out your kid to have a relationship with his abusive mother sounds selfish to me. I hate it to be the bearer of bad news, but you're completely on your own but fortunately for you, you have time on your side as you're still very young.

So get a job, any job really, it just has to be for your food and a room, and then move in with some dudes, I am sure you know some somali dudes(I am assuming you're a guy), and go to school to get a degree. Be patient because this won't be easy, don't waste your time playing football or going to shisa bars, don't hang around coffee shops, stick to this plan and you'll graduate with your degree by the time you're 24 or 25 and from there, life should bee much much easier for you, at least financially.

The last thing you want is to have all that baggage with your selfish parents, and then have money problems with no one to bail you out. Take my advice please, I have seen young kids your age fall victim to drugs, gangs, go to prison all because they had similar upbringing as yours and had no directions or guidance. If you need more advice, feel free to hit my DMs, I'll be more than happy to guide you as an older brother.

Thank you for the comment

I’ll be very honest with you; I don’t think my mother’s divorce was a factor as to why she did what she did to us even before my parents divorce I suffered very harsh conditions from her hands so I do t see a reason to believe that my mother’s divorce even played a role in everything

With that said my mother as well as my family who I haven’t contacted nor spoken to in years since being in foster care have all taken my mother’s side, they believe that since my mother held me in her stomach for 9 months that she can do absolutely anything to me and I must obey with question

This way of thinking must not be entertained and trying to grasp this will on just result in a headache

Thank you very much but I’ve made my decision my father will want nothing to do with me once I confirm to him that I’ve cut ties with my mother so essentially him along with my half siblings and his wife will probably not want to see me. And he’ll brainwash his kids into think their half older brother is the most selfish person who abandoned even his own mother; that’s the kind of twisted ppl I’m dealing with here

All in all islamically I know that what I’ve done isn’t wrong in any way and that god is my witness

 

[abdi_]

I remember reading your post in the adoption thread but did not realise how extensive your situation was.

I have read the thread you linked just now and needless to say, a few emotions are spiralling.

First of all, I would commend you in thinking about your brother and being concerned for him first, its admirable and you did what any young person who was scared for their sibling would have done.

Your father is wrong for blaming you in where he personally failed. Its best I dont say more of him and your mother.

How is your brother doing now? Whose custody is he in?

With regards to moving forward and your brother. Be pragmatic (Its hard to tell your situation with your father as your thread title is incomplete)
so I would say to keep the peace and rebuild it with your father.

I am not saying to be like a typical son who has warm parental feelings. I dont think he will be expecting that anyways, but dont strain things unnecessarily either. Stop trying to get him to understand you. Especially if your parents are still the sole custodians of your brother. Or it leading to a situation where you are cut of from the greater family.

Keep your mother at a arms distance. And only bother with her so much as she genuinely bother herself in coming back from what she did. Dont fall for the tears.

Unless you have a regular job or a trade and a place of your own, its best not limit the amount of potential people that can help you. You can still Keep your distance for your own sanity.

The good news is you are young, you have your entire life ahead of you, and you live in a land with considerable opportunities and social mobility. Dont let this define you, it is what it is and focus on moving forward for yourself and your brother.

If you have not, get a trade or start building a career (you will be surprised with the amount fields that no longer have a prohibitive college fund attached to it) and focus on the next 3 to 5 years) and when your brother comes of age, you can be there to mentor him and show him the right way.

Its good that you have held on to your faith, Alhamdulilaah. A lot of people, especially those around your age will come around you as friends, be very careful and make sure they are good people.

I would say here is better than most places, so stick around and ask any questions that you may come to have, people are always friendly here, so long as the context permits it.

I will share the following, on the of chance you find any value in it. Its a lecture by Jeffrey Lang, a professor of mathematics who also lectures on Islam at universities. He led a similar early life to you, then he found Islam, turned his life around and is now happily married to a wife he always speaks fondly of.

He helped me a lot as well, may Allah reward him.

 

[Shayla]

Okay, this is going to be long, so I highly advise you that you read it!

First of all I read the the thread you linked, and I wanna say that your father is just as bad as your mother. Just because he and your mother divorced doesn't mean he was absolved of his responsbility in raising you as his child. The fact that he moved on with his life without so much as checking on his kid says a lot about him.

Secondly, it sounds like your mother was impacted by the divorce as a lot of women are these days, but this does not excuse or justify her actions towards you and your brother. She took her anger and frustrations out of you which she was 100% wrong to do. She was clearly a bad mother, and I think you suffered a lot in her hands. With that said, I would advise you that you don't cut ties with her entirely. This doesn't mean you have a relationship with her either by the way. First thing you should do is sit down with her, and tell her everything you've jus told us and explain to her what a terrible father she's been and tell her this is the reason why you want to have a limited relationship with her, and on your own terms. This way, she at least understands why you're making the decisions you're making. I would have the same conversation with your father and the other assholes in the family, because that's what they are and unfortunately we don't choose our family.

Finally, the biggest advice I am going to give you is to quickly figure out how to make a living while also FORGING a career simultaneously! This is super important because you'll need to be financially independent in order for you to not fall into drugs, depression and fucked up shit. I say this because it is clear to me that you have no one you can rely on, your mother fucked up but to me your father is even worse, and he sounds like he doesn't care. I ain't trying to come in between yall but kicking out your kid to have a relationship with his abusive mother sounds selfish to me. I hate it to be the bearer of bad news, but you're completely on your own but fortunately for you, you have time on your side as you're still very young.

So get a job, any job really, it just has to be for your food and a room, and then move in with some dudes, I am sure you know some somali dudes(I am assuming you're a guy), and go to school to get a degree. Be patient because this won't be easy, don't waste your time playing football or going to shisa bars, don't hang around coffee shops, stick to this plan and you'll graduate with your degree by the time you're 24 or 25 and from there, life should bee much much easier for you, at least financially.

The last thing you want is to have all that baggage with your selfish parents, and then have money problems with no one to bail you out. Take my advice please, I have seen young kids your age fall victim to drugs, gangs, go to prison all because they had similar upbringing as yours and had no directions or guidance. If you need more advice, feel free to hit my DMs, I'll be more than happy to guide you as an older brother.

Listen to this walaal. Good advice.

Don't leave your fathers house for as long as possible. Use your father's house to get a job. Try and get into Uni or trade school.

The above poster is right. Your father is very bad too. Laakin, at least he doesn't beat you, and you have warm house and food on the table.

You need to save as much money as possible, obviously without any criminality .

 

[hopelessMan]

Thank you for the comment

I’ll be very honest with you; I don’t think my mother’s divorce was a factor as to why she did what she did to us even before my parents divorce I suffered very harsh conditions from her hands so I do t see a reason to believe that my mother’s divorce even played a role in everything

With that said my mother as well as my family who I haven’t contacted nor spoken to in years since being in foster care have all taken my mother’s side, they believe that since my mother held me in her stomach for 9 months that she can do absolutely anything to me and I must obey with question

This way of thinking must not be entertained and trying to grasp this will on just result in a headache

Thank you very much but I’ve made my decision my father will want nothing to do with me once I confirm to him that I’ve cut ties with my mother so essentially him along with my half siblings and his wife will probably not want to see me. And he’ll brainwash his kids into think their half older brother is the most selfish person who abandoned even his own mother; that’s the kind of twisted ppl I’m dealing with here

All in all islamically I know that what I’ve done isn’t wrong in any way and that god is my witness

You haven't done anything wrong. It's the parents' job to raise the children, and invest in them and protect them. Your mother failed in that regard, so did your father.
I would suggest you buy your time. Now is the time to be tactical and not leave yourself hanging. Lie if you have, fake it and pretend, do what you gotta do to achieve financial independence, then you can cut them off. I am not suggesting you do this by the way, I would still have limited relationship with them if I were you, but no one can fault you for wanting to do nothing with them.

life is fucking tough man, I have been your age and I have seen how unforgiving life is to those of us who didn't have proper guidance. Bottom line, go to university to get a degree or learn a trade/skill that will pay decent money, like electrician, or hvac or plumbing. I am telling you all of this because I have been there, in life no one but your parents care but since they turned out as failures in your case, you literally have no one you can count on so you better start investing in yourself and only relying on yourself. Good luck, and inshallah keep praying and making duas.

 

[Internet Nomad]

No offence but it sounds like your father is a weak man who couldn’t handle the responsibility of taking care of the children he helped produce. Your mother’s alligators tears you shouldn’t fall for them. She didn’t spare you any mercy when she was beating you when you were vulnerable and weak don’t let that back into your life now that you’re older and have more power. Settle your case with her on day of judgement with Allah(SWT).

Like everyone else said in this thread try to gain financial independence, because of the circumstances of life the responsibility of taking care of your little brother is upon your shoulders. You gotta be strong for him.

That being said don’t beat yourself for putting your brother into foster care it was the best decision you could make.

 

[TekNiKo]

Tell your dad children also have rights over their parents which he failed to uohold be leaving you with an abusive mother. Islam supports you in this regard.

 

[Journey.]

Try to find a Sheikh/Imam in your locality who is trustworthy and has experience counselling/dealing with these matters (if you don't know one already) and explain your situation. You may get some good advice on this forum, but generally people on here won't have the knowledge to give you proper/appropriate advice nor would they be able to help you out in any tangible way. It's better to get advice from someone knowledgeable, empathetic and with the ability/resources to help you. Don't try to deal with this alone.

And of course, make constant dua for guidance and a way out from this trial; keep up with your prayers and obligations; establish and strengthen your relationship with Allah and never lose hope or faith. There will be ease after this hardship even if it's hard to see it now.

Suhaib reported: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said:

Wondrous is the affair of the believer for there is good for him in every matter and this is not the case with anyone except the believer. If he is happy, then he thanks Allah and thus there is good for him, and if he is harmed, then he shows patience and thus there is good for him.

Source: Sahih Muslim 2999, Grade: Sahih

 

[mrlog]

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[Angelina]

I don’t know what to say. But what’s sad is that Somalis seldom remember the rights of children. We know that heaven is under the feet of our mothers and one must be obedient to both parents, but we hardly hear about how parents need to actually parent their children in a household free from psychological and physical abuse. Also, we’re a society with a lot of undiagnosed mental health issues, traumas and mass narcissism and severe issues with megalomaniacs who think they own their children rather than seeing them as individuals who are their own people. It is due to this culturally entrenched mentality as to why you won’t get any mercy or understanding from the elders in your family. They’re raised with the idea that even if their parents emotionally abuse them, hit them day and night or even neglect them, you’re caasi for not taking it with a smile. Such is the way.

To conclude take @Journey advice. Find someone who has knowledge that is also understanding of how parental abuse can cause severe psychological damage that can implore your father to fear God. Also, play a bit smart. Bite your tongue a bit whilst trying to finish uni or get a job and once you do, choose your wellbeing and be independent.

 

[Keep it a boqol]

Your dads a hypocrite. He left and cut ties with your mother and his kids for years and is mad you chose to go down the same route with your mother i’m sorry for all the trauma you experienced

 

[Farah717]

You should visit your mother. She brought you into this world dont allow urself to be carried away by emotions.. You can always fix your relationship.

 

[Unicorn]

It seems like his using this as an excuse to cut ties with you or he thinks since u cut ties with ur mom then you will do that to him...either way ive noticed tht a lot of somalis have the mindset tht it doesnt matter what the parents do to u you should suck it up and move on.

 

[Kalsoon]

Don’t tell people you’re going to cut your mom off. That will not get them to help you or be on your side. People who do that aren’t looked at as being good people in general. People think if you’re willing to do that to your own mother you would not be good to them in the long run either.

Are you in school since you’re 18? Try to apologize to your father for the argument and the consequent discussion on your mother. It’s futile efforts walaal to get them to see the validity of your argument. No use in trying to get people to see something when they have a completely different worldview that isn’t open to expansion.

I don’t know what the actually workings of this household is but you can only control yourself and how you respond to them. You should swallow your ego and pride for a bit. Humble yourself around them and show gratitude for being able to live with them.

Also, keep in mind your mother may be mentally ill. Uduceeya fadlan. Seek nearness to Allah by being baari even if your parent isn’t baari to you. Do as much as you’re able for her or with her that you can safely tolerate. Your overall health is important as well.

Another thing you should be aware of is how some families care about how others perceive them. They want to preserve and uphold their reputation as much as humanly possible. If that means cutting ties with a family member because you decided to cut your mom off most likely that will be what they do to save face even if they love you. People want to not get a bad reputation in the community.

 

[Mcqueeny]

Write to your local MP about your situation and have them find you suitable accomodation asap. The way I see it, the only person you should be maintaining a relationship with your brother from your mums side. Anyone that didn't support you when you were being abused is not worthwhile. They had no issue with you being raised by gaalo.

Now that you're an adult, why should you bother with them?

 

[Xoriyo]

Some great advice from the other posters which I hope will be helpful to you.

May Allah ease your situation and soften your family towards you. This is a heartbreaking situation and I truly wish you and your brother all the happines and success in life after everything you have been through.