Marriage

[ziakidaa]

Sorry if this is an overdone conversation, but I’d like to hear other people’s thoughts.

Myself (26F) and other friends of mine are finding it difficult to find suitable Somali men to marry within the US. Lol before you ask if we’re lacking in some area (we’re not perfect but - we’re all educated, have good jobs, are practicing, self aware…etc.
We’ve tried Salam and Muzmatch before and came to the conclusion that most of the men on there weren’t very serious or were looking for an ego boost in the form of likes and validation. I don’t live in heavily populated Somali community so I figured meeting people online would be more fitting, but if anything it’s been more challenging. I find it easier to communicate with ajinabis because they are actually directly expressing interest, but I personally want to pursue a future with someone from my culture.

I’m just confused?? My standards and my friends standards aren’t exceptionally high, they’re very basic qualities like good manners, family oriented, financially ok, practicing Muslim..etc - but so far, all of the men I’ve spoken to have been aloof, unserious, inappropriate, feminine - it’s just so bizarre to me. Even the potential suitors my mom tried to connect me with are lacking something that I can’t overlook.
I know that everything is qadr of Allah and there’s a possibility that I’ll never get married, but I’m starting to feel a little anxious as I age. I don’t want to dwell on it but seeing my married friends experience pregnancy and grow their families makes me want that for myself too.

Is anyone else facing the same challenge? How do you navigate relationships on these dating apps - are you more forward?

 

[Yaraye]

wallahi, this is a huge crisis going on for the past several years in the somali community. I hear about this a lot from my older female friends that there isn't enough suitable somali men in the community. Like you, they don't have ridiculous standard just the usual things. It's good that you aren't settling, that's better than having regrets in marriage. Some of my older female friends go to muslim conventions, muxadaro, and other muslim populated places like that. If you're in uni, try joining the MSA (muslim student association) or SSA (student somali association). Most of all make dua, not only for marriage but for the type of man you're looking for. sometimes dua can be the answer. This crisis does frighten me. Make me wonder what I'll be facing when I'm of marriageable age in a few years.

 

[ziakidaa]

wallahi, this is a huge crisis going on for the past several years in the somali community. I hear about this a lot from my older female friends that there isn't enough suitable somali men in the community. Like you, they don't have ridiculous standard just the usual things. It's good that you aren't settling, that's better than having regrets in marriage. Some of my older female friends go to muslim conventions, muxadaro, and other muslim populated places like that. If you're in uni, try joining the MSA (muslim student association) or SSA (student somali association). Most of all make dua, not only for marriage but for the type of man you're looking for. sometimes dua can be the answer. This crisis does frighten me. Make me wonder what I'll be facing when I'm of marriageable age in a few years.

Unfortunately, I don’t live in a Somali populated area so I can’t attend events and I’m not in Uni anymore.
But you’re right, dua is probably the only and best solution at this point.

 

[Lebron James]

Since you don't live in a state with alot of somalis idk what to say to help, best bet is to explore your options with foreigners. You can find love through any ethnicity don't limit your options

 

[Riya.]

Maybe your soulmate isn’t Somali

 

[ziakidaa]

Maybe your soulmate isn’t Somali

Noooooooooooo I refuse to believe that

 

[ziakidaa]

Since you don't live in a state with alot of somalis idk what to say to help, best bet is to explore your options with foreigners. You can find love through any ethnicity don't limit your options

I’d rather explore a new place to live

 

[AbdiFreedom]

Muzmatch has tens of thousands of users and I'm sure you got many likes. You can find someone within a few months that is roughly equal to you. Those apps work out in womens' favour.

No one is going to tick all your boxes.

Educated
Good paying job
Good looks
Practicing Muslim
Affectionate/communicative/honest
Medium/tall height
Acceptable physique

You can usually only get 2-3 of these, not all. Having all of these is not typical of men. It's rare and rare men (and rare women) do not go for typical people.

There's no such thing as settling. After a certain point in life, you accept the best thing you could get because others were not interested.

 

[Garaad diinle]

Connection say that two more time it's a key word and the way most muslims get married. An essential network or a toolkit for everyone looking for a spouse or a significant other.

It can be all from family to cousins. The local masjid or the random loud arooses that occurs every week or month. Wallahi it feels like somali women are planning for the next aroos before the one they're attending have ended, You hear lumbarkis i qor almost everywhere at least where am at. You might even find connection in the community center or female get together. Although you wont find an ideal choice it'll expand your choice pool and might provide you with more option. Ilaahay ha ku sahlo iyo musliminta dhaman.

 

[jemappelle]

Unfortunately, I don’t live in a Somali populated area so I can’t attend events and I’m not in Uni anymore.
But you’re right, dua is probably the only and best solution at this point.

Can you go to a somali majority area and get your name out as much as possible to the community that u want to get married?

 

[jemappelle]

Educated
Good paying job
Good looks
Practicing Muslim
Affectionate/communicative/honest
Medium/tall height
Acceptable physique

All she really needs is, Good paying job, to be attracted to him, practises Islam.
Good physique I think is also an essential cos if u can't take care of ur own body u can't take care of anything else in life and its also just disgusting

 

[AbdiFreedom]

All she really needs is, Good paying job, to be attracted to him, practises Islam.
Good physique I think is also an essential cos if u can't take care of ur own body u can't take care of anything else in life and its also just disgusting

Thats not enough for many single people looking for a husband though. They will also want affectionate and an open husband too. They want all the others as well. This is why there are no "suitable" husband material men around. It's because all boxes are not checked. When people say lower your standards, it means to lower them to what the average person will have (just 2-3 of them). It doesn't mean marry a bum.

Someone who ticks all those boxes will have no problem finding someone who ticks all of the female version of those boxes. They will not entertain someone who does not tick all the boxes and that's where the problem lies. People don't get that.

 

[ziakidaa]

Muzmatch has tens of thousands of users and I'm sure you got many likes. You can find someone within a few months that is roughly equal to you. Those apps work out in womens' favour.

No one is going to tick all your boxes.

Educated
Good paying job
Good looks
Practicing Muslim
Affectionate/communicative/honest
Medium/tall height
Acceptable physique

You can usually only get 2-3 of these, not all. Having all of these is not typical of men. It's rare and rare men (and rare women) do not go for typical people.

There's no such thing as settling. After a certain point in life, you accept the best thing you could get because others were not interested.

Personally, I don’t think it works in women’s favour. There’s a paradox of choice on those apps where people are constantly looking for the next best thing.
I can find a foreigner to pursue a relationship with but my preference is Somali, I just don’t find that a lot of the Somali men on those apps are genuinely serious.
And this isn’t just based on my opinion alone, plenty young women from my city and from other cities share similar sentiments regarding those apps.

 

[medjourtine]

I find that men, due mostly to not having the constraint of time, are less pressured and because of this can make the right choice as opposed to our sisters who unfortunately have to decide as trepidation creeps in about time.

I am curious to know why our sisters do not look back home for marriage, as this even further marginalizes your pool size. I attended my cousin's wedding over the summer and she married a brother from back home, which is amazing to see. Most Somali men are open to this, if it isn't their main goal already, so its baffling as to why the sisters aren't. Anecdotally at least, those marriages have a higher rate of success.

 

[jemappelle]

I am curious to know why our sisters do not look back home for marriage, as this even further marginalizes your pool size. I attended my cousin's wedding over the summer and she married a brother from back home, which is amazing to see. Most Somali men are open to this, if it isn't their main goal already, so its baffling as to why the sisters aren't. Anecdotally at least, those marriages have a higher rate of success.

Because you are from completely different cultures and won't be compatible

 

[ziakidaa]

I find that men, due mostly to not having the constraint of time, are less pressured and because of this can make the right choice as opposed to our sisters who unfortunately have to decide as trepidation creeps in about time.

I am curious to know why our sisters do not look back home for marriage, as this even further marginalizes your pool size. I attended my cousin's wedding over the summer and she married a brother from back home, which is amazing to see. Most Somali men are open to this, if it isn't their main goal already, so it’s baffling as to why the sisters aren't. Anecdotally at least, those marriages have a higher rate of success.

I’m not opposed to it, it’s just slightly easier for men. There’s too many logistics to deal with to bring them to the US and also wait for them to establish themselves. Somali men are okay with that because they’re the breadwinners and most of them that do marry back home are already financially secure in their careers.
Also, cultural differences - I grew up in the Middle East and the US, the Somali diaspora have completely different experiences to Somalis back home and vice versa.

 

[medjourtine]

I’m not opposed to it, it’s just slightly easier for men. There’s too many logistics to deal with to bring them to the US and also wait for them to establish themselves. Somali men are okay with that because they’re the breadwinners and most of them that do marry back home are already financially secure in their careers.
Also, cultural differences - I grew up in the Middle East and the US, the Somali diaspora have completely different experiences to Somalis back home and vice versa.

The first point makes a lot of sense. The breadwinner dynamics makes it a seamless process for men definitely.

However, the second point regarding cultural differences I don’t buy. I hear it a lot and it doesn’t make much sense given all our culture’s above all is shaped by our Somalinimo. This factor shapes us more than any Western, Eastern, baadiyo influence. Besides, the case to marry back home is looking more enticing given the watering down of our language the longer the diaspora stay here.

 

[nuurka]

Unfortunately, I don’t live in a Somali populated area so I can’t attend events and I’m not in Uni anymore.
But you’re right, dua is probably the only and best solution at this point.

Hey abaayo. There many sisters go through the same thing. There are so many eligible sisters but not enough good men. There is a marriage subreddit called r/muslimmarriages they have a thread for people looking to get married. There are somali people on there but there are also ajanabis. fill out the questions and you might find your calaf. Inshallah you will find a spouse, just pray istikhara and be hopeful.

marriage thread

 

[bidenkulaha]

Most of the serious guys get married at 23-25. That’s been the experience of my friendship groups. I’ve noticed the best Muslim mates I’ve got like to get married really early too.

Anyone who’s not gotten married after a couple years into their careers is probably not going to suddenly change their mindset. Usually just talk to women to fill time and mess about. Good luck anyway

 

[jemappelle]

There is a marriage subreddit called r/muslimmarriages they have a thread for people looking to get married

Going to reddit to find a marriage partner is a big no no.