How do I get past my insecurity of where I come from and my past?

Eid Mubarak guys. How do I get past insecurities regarding my upbringing? I grew up in a single-parent household. My parents divorced when I was a child. My father went on to remarry multiple times and he ended up doing decent for himself and his other children. Me growing up though because my mother was a single mom, life was a struggle for her no matter how hard she tried. We were homeless for the majority of my life, unfortunately, but my mom still worked very hard to provide for me. I never went hungry or anything, she never disrupted my life in any way despite our homelessness, she would take the bus with me every day to make sure I got to school safe, she would always talk to me about my feelings, she would love me, she supported me, she would take me to activities, etc, so I never felt like I was missing anything and I love her. Our lives got better though now that I am an adult and am able to provide for us financially as an engineer, Alhamdulillah, and she is the reason I made it this far.

Growing up though, I always resented people with normal families. For example, I hated the holidays like Christmas because that meant I would be alone with my mom in a shelter most of the time while my friends would tell me about what they were doing with their large families. On Eid even, my extended family would never invite us to do family activities with them because they didn't want to be seen by us by other Somalis because they were afraid of judgment (they would tell us people looked down on us and we are jokes because my mom was single and homeless, people laughed at this), so I always felt lonely and never had the privilege of forming relationships with my cousins and other relatives.

I got over it as I grew up and realized that none of these things really matter as long as I am content with myself and have Allah, but sometimes I find myself feeling bitter and I can't help it. I am a bit insecure because I feel like even though we are fine now my past is still embarrassing and sometimes when Somali guys who want to court me talk to me about their family life, I can't help but think about what my life would have been like if I had a father at least, or siblings to make my family complete. I know it sounds stupid. And sometimes I talk to Somalis and they tell me how their families value coming from a 'good family', and this is the same among all Muslim communities I find, and I get insecure thinking my family isn't up to their standards. How do I get past my insecurity?
 

Barni

⚠️ EPILEPTIC WARNING ⚠️
Acudubillah what kind of father let their child be homeless? I also didnt have a easy start to life (nowhere near as bad as urs tho) but seeing how hard mother worked I couldnt possibly be embarrassed of her.
 

Internet Nomad

✪𝕲𝖔𝖓𝖊 ≋4≋ 𝕾𝖚𝖒𝖒𝖊𝖗✪
Recognise this your mother is a great woman and is nothing to embarrassed about, infact she is a gem you should be proud of.

It is easy to feel envy of those who had it better than you however envy is a toxic mindset which only erode your mental health. You will only be left saying “i wish” or “how could X has and i don't”.

Tbh most men wouldn't care as long as you don't have a promiscuous past. We are somple creatures. Any good man who hears your story will only have awe and respect for how far you have come.

This insecurity is bigger in your mind than who ever is trying to court you. Make Dua for good partner who is understanding and this insecurity to be lifted from you.
 
Acudubillah what kind of father let their child be homeless? I also didnt have a easy start to life (nowhere near as bad as urs tho) but seeing how hard mother worked I couldnt possibly be embarrassed of her.
Not sure to be honest. Sometimes he would gather with his friends at a café in front of a shelter we stayed at just to mock my mother with his friends, but she still went to University to get her education and worked hard to provide for me, so I don't resent her, our circumstances were complicated and beyond her control (I know in the West a lot of people have the ideology that if you are homeless it's your fault, you're either a junkie or didn't work hard enough, but that really wasn't the case with us life was just difficult). My father was also a high ranking director and is well off, yet he never provided for me. When I was younger and wanted to get braces, I'd see him pay for them for my cousins and his kids for example, but me I had to work overtime in highschool just to pay for them so I wouldn't get bullied for my teeth lol. My mom though she would do everything for me. When she could sense I was sad she would scrap up any money she had to buy me jewelry, or she'd surprise me at school with flowers, and most of all she'd give me her time, so I love her to death.

I really just resent not having the family experience everyone I know talks about. I make memories for myself now, but sometimes I reminisce on how empty and lonely I felt growing up that's all, and holidays like Ramadan and Eid that are very family oriented remind me of this feeling. Also I am not embarrassed about my mom I love her. Me though, I could care less about where a person comes from, what their qaabil is for example, as long as they are a good person and have values that align with mine. But a lot of people I've met, they care about surface level things such as your upbringing even though I had no control over it. Some guys I've talked to even though they don't care, their relatives would talk to me as if I had something to be embarrassed about, for example this guy's grandma asked me if my mom had no shame for divorcing and she asked me how I felt about coming from a family who couldn't even afford to house me when I was younger, etc. Everyone always puts emphasis on coming from a 'good family' and this stresses me out, I subconsciously think everyone will look down on me because of it, especially because the people I interact with haven't had the same experiences as I did. They came from decent, functional families, so I guess they have a hard time relating and sometimes I worry this will cause them to not want to marry me and breeds my insecurities.
 
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Get married buddy, you're lonely! You need to start on a fresh page; Marriage is a good start. A good wife can make you forget all this, great Allah says:
﴿هُوَ الَّذي خَلَقَكُم مِن نَفسٍ واحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنها زَوجَها لِيَسكُنَ إِلَيها…﴾ [الأعراف: ١٨٩]

God created Adam, and after him Eve, to dwell in it and be at peace with it. A man is not complete without a wife. God blessed them with an amazing ability to calm the hearts of men and make them forget all the pain. Even the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, went to Khadija's bosom to calm him down after the revelation came to him for the first time.

After you glt one or two sons, and with this background of yours, you will become a venerable in the hearts of men. how not when you struggle like this; I congratulate you. Forget the light feelings that hurt your heart, they are useless, you are stronger than this.

— And choose a good wife!
 
Get married buddy, you're lonely! You need to start on a fresh page; Marriage is a good start. A good wife can make you forget all this, great Allah says:
﴿هُوَ الَّذي خَلَقَكُم مِن نَفسٍ واحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنها زَوجَها لِيَسكُنَ إِلَيها…﴾ [الأعراف: ١٨٩]

God created Adam, and after him Eve, to dwell in it and be at peace with it. A man is not complete without a wife. God blessed them with an amazing ability to calm the hearts of men and make them forget all the pain. Even the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, went to Khadija's bosom to calm him down after the revelation came to him for the first time.

After you glt one or two sons, and with this background of yours, you will become a venerable in the hearts of men. how not when you struggle like this; I congratulate you. Forget the light feelings that hurt your heart, they are useless, you are stronger than this.

— And choose a good wife!
OP is a girl.
 
Get married buddy, you're lonely! You need to start on a fresh page; Marriage is a good start. A good wife can make you forget all this, great Allah says:
﴿هُوَ الَّذي خَلَقَكُم مِن نَفسٍ واحِدَةٍ وَجَعَلَ مِنها زَوجَها لِيَسكُنَ إِلَيها…﴾ [الأعراف: ١٨٩]

God created Adam, and after him Eve, to dwell in it and be at peace with it. A man is not complete without a wife. God blessed them with an amazing ability to calm the hearts of men and make them forget all the pain. Even the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, went to Khadija's bosom to calm him down after the revelation came to him for the first time.

After you glt one or two sons, and with this background of yours, you will become a venerable in the hearts of men. how not when you struggle like this; I congratulate you. Forget the light feelings that hurt your heart, they are useless, you are stronger than this.

— And choose a good wife!
Thanks but I'm a woman lol. I think this still applies though, I hope to choose a good husband sometimes I get insecure and feel like they will not choose me though because of my past life that's all. That was the point of this post
 
Thanks but I'm a woman lol. I think this still applies though, I hope to choose a good husband sometimes I get insecure and feel like they will not choose me though because of my past life that's all. That was the point of this post
I don't think men would care if you were once homeless. You didn't put yourself in those circumstances. The only type of homelessness a guy would care about is if it was caused due to you being a substance abuser/delinquent/shady etc basically the focus would be on your character.

You being homeless because your mother struggled as a single mom isn't an issue or something to be embarrassed about.
 
Walaal, be grateful for what you have and what your mother did for you. It would be a shame to bring yourself down, now that you are out of that struggle. Appreciate the special in that struggle and what formed the current you and keep growing as a human being.

Don't feel shame or embarrassed for being homeless, that would invalidate your experience. You should embrace the past as a moment in your personal story. Take the lessons from the past, the good memories to cherish, and grow wisdom from overall past trials and tribulations, then look forward, otherwise, it will always be a significant weakness. Don't form a complex around it. Remember this, the richest person with immense material wealth out there and the poorest are all humbled before Allah.

No dude cares if a woman grew up homeless if she's the one.
 
Eid Mubarak guys. How do I get past insecurities regarding my upbringing? I grew up in a single-parent household. My parents divorced when I was a child. My father went on to remarry multiple times and he ended up doing decent for himself and his other children. Me growing up though because my mother was a single mom, life was a struggle for her no matter how hard she tried. We were homeless for the majority of my life, unfortunately, but my mom still worked very hard to provide for me. I never went hungry or anything, she never disrupted my life in any way despite our homelessness, she would take the bus with me every day to make sure I got to school safe, she would always talk to me about my feelings, she would love me, she supported me, she would take me to activities, etc, so I never felt like I was missing anything and I love her. Our lives got better though now that I am an adult and am able to provide for us financially as an engineer, Alhamdulillah, and she is the reason I made it this far.

Growing up though, I always resented people with normal families. For example, I hated the holidays like Christmas because that meant I would be alone with my mom in a shelter most of the time while my friends would tell me about what they were doing with their large families. On Eid even, my extended family would never invite us to do family activities with them because they didn't want to be seen by us by other Somalis because they were afraid of judgment (they would tell us people looked down on us and we are jokes because my mom was single and homeless, people laughed at this), so I always felt lonely and never had the privilege of forming relationships with my cousins and other relatives.

I got over it as I grew up and realized that none of these things really matter as long as I am content with myself and have Allah, but sometimes I find myself feeling bitter and I can't help it. I am a bit insecure because I feel like even though we are fine now my past is still embarrassing and sometimes when Somali guys who want to court me talk to me about their family life, I can't help but think about what my life would have been like if I had a father at least, or siblings to make my family complete. I know it sounds stupid. And sometimes I talk to Somalis and they tell me how their families value coming from a 'good family', and this is the same among all Muslim communities I find, and I get insecure thinking my family isn't up to their standards. How do I get past my insecurity?
First of all, that family of yours who was too ashamed to be seen with you and your mom are disgusting. You’re lucky for not having to spend time with people like that. They don’t deserve you or your mom. Your hooyo sounds sweet from what you mentioned. May Allah preserve her for you and reward her for all her efforts with you. She raised a good child.

Use your past history as a way to filter out the good from the bad. Anyone who dislikes you for your resilience isn’t someone worth knowing. I’m incredibly proud to have even read what you and your mom have overcome. Why would any good man not want a women who knows the value of family, who is grateful and who loves her mother dearly. Your experiences in life shaped you into the articulate, kind and thoughtful lady you are today. Say alhamdulilah for indeed you have many blessings that many don’t possess.

You become what you believe you are. Words of wisdom from my mother.

Wanted to add, “normal” families aren’t sometimes that way behind closed doors. We don’t know how people are when no one else is watching them. Most people are pros at putting out a good public image. But, we just never know how happy their homes actually are.
 
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First of all, that family of yours who was too ashamed to be seen with you and your mom are disgusting. You’re lucky for not having to spend time with people like that. They don’t deserve you or your mom. Your hooyo sounds sweet from what you mentioned. May Allah preserve her for you and reward her for all her efforts with you. She raised a good child.

Use your past history as a way to filter out the good from the bad. Anyone who dislikes you for your resilience isn’t someone worth knowing. I’m incredibly proud to have even read what you and your mom have overcome. Why would any good man not want a women who knows the value of family, who is grateful and who loves her mother dearly. Your experiences in life shaped you into the articulate, kind and thoughtful lady you are today. Say alhamdulilah for indeed you have many blessings that many don’t possess.

You become what you believe you are. Words of wisdom from my mother.

Wanted to add, “normal” families aren’t sometimes that way behind closed doors. We don’t know how people are when no one else is watching them. Most people are pros at putting out a good public image. But, we just never know how happy their homes actually are.
Thank you sister, this was very comforting to read <3 You are right on many things and I know I should count my blessings, many children didn't even have the privilege of having a parent at all, or have parents that neglected them, so you are right. I know this mentality I have sometimes is toxic but Inshallah I will work to overcome it because I am proud of how far I've come.
 
@elmina Eid muibaarak walaal.
Others said most of what I had in mind, thus shall not repeat it, but let me reflect, and add: in general, you will find many people, who are luckier than you, and many who are less fortunate, and you will find one is always in the midst, even if the wealthiest man in the West, Elon Musk, for there is always someone, who possesses something one desires, material or otherwise; in your case, imagine the person, who grew up poor, lived in poverty most of h(er)is life, yet is still struggling in a state of destitute; indeed, more fortuitous than h(er)im, you are.

See, a person, who had to struggle in life, or experienced failures, possesses certain properties, develops grit, and fortitude, that which others lack, which makes one more the attractive. if a potential partner views earlier struggles in your life with disdain, or antipathy, then he is not worthy of you, and surely is not the right partner for you.

You are blessed to be in a good place at the moment. Cherish your past. Make the most of your future.

Postscript:
Oh by the way, I realise it is perhaps unpopular, but earlier in courtship, one does not have to overshare, and discuss the minutiae of one's upbringing, and by the time, one is serious with a potential partner, if anything, lessons in life, appalling or otherwise, not only further solidify the relationship, but make the right [operative] partner more the attractive.

Reflection:
I have known people, of working class background, who were ashamed of their parents insofar as to denying their existence, lest beget embarrassment in the company of their 'genteel' contemporaries, and pseudo friends, and thereby subsequently choosing to distance, if cut off their families, with their fortunes turned for the better, educated, well off with enough green, and with their social status elevated in the social hierarchy; gladly, that does not seem to be so in your case.

One of my now good friends, from my Uni days, was such a person, when I first met her, she initially told me her parents passed away at a young age, when in reality they lived in a village a few miles away. Imagine wishing away your dear family, out of shame, but then so is the reality in classful societies, where plebeians are reduced to a state of abashed bondage, albeit unjustified.

All in all, best of luck, and be proud of that whom you have become, and whom you once were, and thank the Almighty for both the fortunes of today, and misfortunes of yesteryears.
 
Wanted to add, “normal” families aren’t sometimes that way behind closed doors. We don’t know how people are when no one else is watching them. Most people are pros at putting out a good public image. But, we just never know how happy their homes actually are.

This here. Other people's lives may look very rosy on the outside but in reality they may be struggling with their own difficult trials. There are those with both parents in their lives but either one or both are abusive, neglectful etc. There are also those who group up entirely parentless. People are tested in different ways. There are blessings you enjoy that others weren't given, and there are trials you went through that others didn't. That is life. And this all happens by the Will of Allah ﷻ and was decreed long before any of us came into existence.

There's nothing you have to be ashamed of, forget what people may say/think and practise gratitude to Allah instead; for what you went through and how you came out stronger, for your loving mother, for where you are today and every other blessing you enjoy in your life. And in shaa Allah Allah will increase you in blessings because that is the reward for showing gratitude. And that blessing may also be in the form of a righteous spouse who will cherish and take care of you.

Live your life mindful that everything is in the hands of Allah ﷻ. The trials you go through, the blessings you seek. This is why we seek relief of those trials from Allah, and we seek those blessings from Allah. And if it was meant for you it will never miss you, and if it wasn't it will never reach you.

May Allah ﷻ reward your struggles and shower you with His blessings.
 

Barni

⚠️ EPILEPTIC WARNING ⚠️
Not sure to be honest. Sometimes he would gather with his friends at a café in front of a shelter we stayed at just to mock my mother with his friends, but she still went to University to get her education and worked hard to provide for me, so I don't resent her, our circumstances were complicated and beyond her control (I know in the West a lot of people have the ideology that if you are homeless it's your fault, you're either a junkie or didn't work hard enough, but that really wasn't the case with us life was just difficult). My father was also a high ranking director and is well off, yet he never provided for me. When I was younger and wanted to get braces, I'd see him pay for them for my cousins and his kids for example, but me I had to work overtime in highschool just to pay for them so I wouldn't get bullied for my teeth lol. My mom though she would do everything for me. When she could sense I was sad she would scrap up any money she had to buy me jewelry, or she'd surprise me at school with flowers, and most of all she'd give me her time, so I love her to death.

I really just resent not having the family experience everyone I know talks about. I make memories for myself now, but sometimes I reminisce on how empty and lonely I felt growing up that's all, and holidays like Ramadan and Eid that are very family oriented remind me of this feeling. Also I am not embarrassed about my mom I love her. Me though, I could care less about where a person comes from, what their qaabil is for example, as long as they are a good person and have values that align with mine. But a lot of people I've met, they care about surface level things such as your upbringing even though I had no control over it. Some guys I've talked to even though they don't care, their relatives would talk to me as if I had something to be embarrassed about, for example this guy's grandma asked me if my mom had no shame for divorcing and she asked me how I felt about coming from a family who couldn't even afford to house me when I was younger, etc. Everyone always puts emphasis on coming from a 'good family' and this stresses me out, I subconsciously think everyone will look down on me because of it, especially because the people I interact with haven't had the same experiences as I did. They came from decent, functional families, so I guess they have a hard time relating and sometimes I worry this will cause them to not want to marry me and breeds my insecurities.
Sis respectfully I hope every balayo & calamity happens to ur father. To think he was mocking u & ur mother with his friends is crazy to me. Do u know y the hell he provided for everyone but u?
 
Thank you sister, this was very comforting to read <3 You are right on many things and I know I should count my blessings, many children didn't even have the privilege of having a parent at all, or have parents that neglected them, so you are right. I know this mentality I have sometimes is toxic but Inshallah I will work to overcome it because I am proud of how far I've come.
In shaa Allah you’ll get there. You’re human for thinking that way. We always seek what we need the most. You will create the family life you want and need with the person you choose (and who chooses you) in shaa Allah.
 
Sis respectfully I hope every balayo & calamity happens to ur father. To think he was mocking u & ur mother with his friends is crazy to me. Do u know y the hell he provided for everyone but u?
not sure but i'm his only daughter, the others are male and he was quite disappointed i turned out to be a girl. also he doesn't like me because my mom divorced him and she was given custody despite him having the financial upperhand so probably that.
 
Reading your story made me want to cry walalo, You and your mother should be sooo proud of yourself for making it as far as you have. Your father sounds like a terrible excuse for a human being, honestly.

Yes unfortunately some men are judgemental of women who came from difficult family circumstances. Some women judge men for this as well. But that is not the type of person you should be with. The best type of man is a compassionate one who will understand that you had no control in the way you grew up and who will respect and love you even more for thriving in the face of adversity.

I really wish you the best sis you and your mom deserve it all <3 may Allah grant you a loving and caring husband ameen.
 
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RICH

The Qadr of Allaah ta’aala is always in our favor.
Copy paste of what everyone already said.

I’m actually really jealous of you in a positieve way. The way Allaah has been testing you and your mother and being looked down on by some of the creation of Allaah… I can’t imagine what kind of position you and your mother wil get on the day of judgement subxanallaah. The strength, trust in Allaah and will power your mother had and passing it on to you, Allaahu Akbar. Look where you are now sis Allaahoema baarik! Trust the proces, because with a great reward comes a great test!!

Thinking about what is awaiting for the people who looked down upon the two of you, talked bad behind your backs and the worst of it all your father not taking his responsibilities. Subxanallaah, it is a scary thought if they don’t seek forgiveness.

We as believers should be worried if we never get tested. The fact that your life wasn’t easy, says enough walaalo. This life is faaaaaar from perfect. To Allaah subhana wa ta’aala it’s worth is not more than the wing of a mosquito. Even though it was hard, say Alxamdulilaah for all these tests because this life that Allaah has chosen for you and your hooyo is going to bring you SO far in our next life. You cant even imagine what Allaah has planned for the two of you. Something no eye has ever seen for eternity in shaa Allah!
 
Thanks but I'm a woman lol. I think this still applies though, I hope to choose a good husband sometimes I get insecure and feel like they will not choose me though because of my past life that's all. That was the point of this post
That sort of past will not prevent you from being a great choice for marriage walaal, rest assured. Proud of you
 

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