Diaspora Studies: Our Abos were Jusified [VENT]
Somali women often complain that Somali men particularly the older generation - the first generation of Somalis in the diaspora, are largely to blame for the breakdown of Somali families in the west. But as a young Somali man who was raised by a Somali single mother, I believe it’s on the contrary.
I recall recently having a sit down with my Hooyo to discuss why her and Abo split up. Their divorce split the family apart. It was an almost 4 year ordeal of Abo and Hooyo splitting and getting back together and splitting again, until finally Abo left and never came back (at least not to live with us) again. And I remember vividly how me and my siblings were so upset by the break up. We started blaming ourselves since we couldn’t understand what the problem was. Sitting down and speaking to Hooyo about it all she told me she had divorced my father because of his polygamy. Which was understandable since it’s why so many Somali women divorce their husbands. But I told Hooyo how that didn’t make much sense to me as polygamy was halal in Islam and had been practiced for hundreds of years (some even say prior to the advent of Islam) by Somalis. Was polygamy just a part of Islam that Somali women of today were unwilling to accept? My Hooyo said that wasn’t the case. Polygamy was fine it was just that Somali men treated their wives unfairly. Understandable. Financial equality seemed to be the reason. But marriages cost money, just like businesses you need startup capital to start a marriage. Mehr, wedding, down payments on homes, etc. So surely it’s understandable that a new marriage would cost more money initially and begin to level out over time. I explained this to Hooyo and she was quick to brush that aside. She moved to another reason: khat and smoking.
No doubt khat is a major problem. But the khat excuse for divorce is simply not legitimate. Khat is among the least addictive drugs out there with the least social and physical harm associated to it. Also khat was banned almost a decade after most Somalis arrived to the west. And since that ban the consumption has fallen drastically to such extent that its consumption is virtually entirely nonexistent. If khat was the reason for all these divorces surely all our families should be back together after western governments unanimously banned khat across the west. My Abo shortly quit khat and smoking after being divorced. Sometimes I wonder why Abo found it so difficult to quit while he was at home and so easy to quit only after he had left. If anything it felt like smoking and khat was Abos way of coping with being with my Hooyo. His reasons for quitting weren’t related to the khat ban as he did consume smaller quantities of khat well after the ban before quitting for good. Speaking to him on a separate occasion he told me khat and smoking was his way of coping with stress and it was only after the divorce that he no longer needed khat and cigarettes due to his overall stress levels being substantially decreased.
Hooyo switched again to another reason. Revealing the final layer of her true reason for divorcing Abo. She said that Abo wasn’t shit until she met him. That she’s the reason Abo was a made man. That she was the reason Abo was in the west, that she made him the man he is today. Which to me sounded so rich.
My Abo is the most amazing father ever. The fact that he overcame his several addictions is the sort of strength that I know some of my other siblings would need right now. Currently 4 of my siblings have smoking addictions that are really serious. If Abo was still around I’m so certain they wouldn’t be dealing with the possibility of a shortened lifespan because of their unhealthy addictions.
When my Hooyo and Abo separated it was like the best thing in this world was snatched away from me. And I don’t know if I’m really able to forgive her for it. I’ve never had an apology for spending some of my life fatherless. Abo is always blamed. I remember being a young boy and Hooyo making me think that Abo didn’t love me, that he loved another woman and another family and that was why he wasn’t there.
Somali women often complain that Somali men particularly the older generation - the first generation of Somalis in the diaspora, are largely to blame for the breakdown of Somali families in the west. But as a young Somali man who was raised by a Somali single mother, I believe it’s on the contrary.
I recall recently having a sit down with my Hooyo to discuss why her and Abo split up. Their divorce split the family apart. It was an almost 4 year ordeal of Abo and Hooyo splitting and getting back together and splitting again, until finally Abo left and never came back (at least not to live with us) again. And I remember vividly how me and my siblings were so upset by the break up. We started blaming ourselves since we couldn’t understand what the problem was. Sitting down and speaking to Hooyo about it all she told me she had divorced my father because of his polygamy. Which was understandable since it’s why so many Somali women divorce their husbands. But I told Hooyo how that didn’t make much sense to me as polygamy was halal in Islam and had been practiced for hundreds of years (some even say prior to the advent of Islam) by Somalis. Was polygamy just a part of Islam that Somali women of today were unwilling to accept? My Hooyo said that wasn’t the case. Polygamy was fine it was just that Somali men treated their wives unfairly. Understandable. Financial equality seemed to be the reason. But marriages cost money, just like businesses you need startup capital to start a marriage. Mehr, wedding, down payments on homes, etc. So surely it’s understandable that a new marriage would cost more money initially and begin to level out over time. I explained this to Hooyo and she was quick to brush that aside. She moved to another reason: khat and smoking.
No doubt khat is a major problem. But the khat excuse for divorce is simply not legitimate. Khat is among the least addictive drugs out there with the least social and physical harm associated to it. Also khat was banned almost a decade after most Somalis arrived to the west. And since that ban the consumption has fallen drastically to such extent that its consumption is virtually entirely nonexistent. If khat was the reason for all these divorces surely all our families should be back together after western governments unanimously banned khat across the west. My Abo shortly quit khat and smoking after being divorced. Sometimes I wonder why Abo found it so difficult to quit while he was at home and so easy to quit only after he had left. If anything it felt like smoking and khat was Abos way of coping with being with my Hooyo. His reasons for quitting weren’t related to the khat ban as he did consume smaller quantities of khat well after the ban before quitting for good. Speaking to him on a separate occasion he told me khat and smoking was his way of coping with stress and it was only after the divorce that he no longer needed khat and cigarettes due to his overall stress levels being substantially decreased.
Hooyo switched again to another reason. Revealing the final layer of her true reason for divorcing Abo. She said that Abo wasn’t shit until she met him. That she’s the reason Abo was a made man. That she was the reason Abo was in the west, that she made him the man he is today. Which to me sounded so rich.
My Abo is the most amazing father ever. The fact that he overcame his several addictions is the sort of strength that I know some of my other siblings would need right now. Currently 4 of my siblings have smoking addictions that are really serious. If Abo was still around I’m so certain they wouldn’t be dealing with the possibility of a shortened lifespan because of their unhealthy addictions.
When my Hooyo and Abo separated it was like the best thing in this world was snatched away from me. And I don’t know if I’m really able to forgive her for it. I’ve never had an apology for spending some of my life fatherless. Abo is always blamed. I remember being a young boy and Hooyo making me think that Abo didn’t love me, that he loved another woman and another family and that was why he wasn’t there.
