Am I wrong for wanting to move out of abusive home life due to violent Autistic sibling ?

You're a mother. Your children come first. Your mother can call you xaasid all she wants, you and your child's safety comes first

Let your mother and stepfather (btw, where is he?) deal with their violent child. You've already given her the advice of getting him medical treatment for his autism, now it's her choice if she wants to take the advice. If she doesn't are about your well-being, don't care for her's.

Stay strong for your child. You must live for child. Don't ever let your mother guilt-trip. Allah sees your situation and knows what's in your heart, walaal.
 
Your mom sounds like the typical entitled Somali moms who put their burdens on their kids.. You should get away from your sick violent brother.. It sounds like he needs professional help, beside you will destroy your own kid in the process.. If I was you I would send him off to a professional facility where he can get the right treatment or atleast contained before he hurts any body.


Unfortunately some Hoyoo’s Beileve that their mistakes and wrong choices in life have to be placed on their children. Who had nothing to do with it.

It’s haasid but none of us love him, since he’s just a violent person who doesn’t know anything.

It’s the constant screaming and wailing he does all day and night that’s the worst.

No lie, he punched me in the ribs and maybe cause I’m a smaller woman, it left my ribs bruised and swollen for a few weeks.

And my mom just laughed it off. Saying he doesn’t know better 😒
 
You are not wrong for wanting to move out, matter fact I would encourage you to do that ASAP. Remove ur son from harms way. You parents are also human that can make mistakes and if what you say is correct. The safety of ur child comes first more than anything. I’m sorry you are suffering mentally, no one should go through that


The safety of him does come first. He’s getting to that age where anything traumatic will affect him negatively.

My mom also beats the other brother ( who’s normal ) for stupid things, and I’ve tried to tell her beatings like this doesn’t help kids and makes them worse.

It’s when she does it in front of my son, that’s the issue.

Some people can remember shit from as early as his age 3.
 
This sounds it’s out of a movie damn I feel sorry for you. Anyway your son is your priority, do you want him to grow up in that environment? How do you think this will affect him if spends his formative years in a house where he fears being hurt and watching his mother getting beat? Your father is your wali, and he wants you to move out as well, the choice is obvious.

It really does sound like something out of a lifetime movie doesn’t it lol.

And I don’t. Like I mentioned before kids can rmebeer stuff as early as 3 and I don’t want him only remembering when his mother was sad and always depressed and getting beat on.

And my dad supports me in leaving and even came to the apartment I chose to check it out.
 
You're a mother. Your children come first. Your mother can call you xaasid all she wants, you and your child's safety comes first

Let your mother and stepfather (btw, where is he?) deal with their violent child. You've already given her the advice of getting him medical treatment for his autism, now it's her choice if she wants to take the advice. If she doesn't are about your well-being, don't care for her's.

Stay strong for your child. You must live for child. Don't ever let your mother guilt-trip. Allah sees your situation and knows what's in your heart, walaal.

Thank you very much for your advice and words.

My father works in a town further away and comes a few times a month to stay and visit.
It doesn’t make sense that they all try to guilt me into being his caretaker when it’s like…… you guys brought them into this world, they’re your problem.


And yes Allah does know in my heart I mean no harm and want the best for me and my sons well being.


It’s like our culture promotes suffering just for the sake of but but ! They’re your family !

No, when family is like this, it’s not healthy and it’s better to separate from them.
 
I know autistic people they have irrational mood swings that have no contingencies or bearing to reality like they’ll get mad over a thought they contrived in their head something that happened years ago or never happened


The spectrum of autism is very vast. Some you wouldn’t think they’re autistic by looking at them and some it’s very obvious.

Some can even get married and live normal lives, whereas some are forever needing caretaking.

And the ones like my brother are truly worst off, where they can’t do anything without assistance.


Uh. Did I mention he don’t understand English ? So the times I watch him, he truly doesn’t understand me cause me speaking Somali is shit lol.
 
He’s just a wild loose ass nigga that can kill you and he isn’t motivated by anything evil he’s innocent but destructive


That’s the thing with that level of autism is that he can truly kill any of us, without even a second thought.

He’s like a ticking time bomb to be honest. He’s already put holes in various places throughout the house.
 
So sorry to hear this is happening to you.

I think you are a victim of your mothers abuse, you have childhood trauma of her pressuring you and using shaming tactics to manipulate you into agreeing to things, like why did you even have an arranged marriage with someone who lives in Somalia? Doesn’t even make sense what would you have in common apart from ethnicity?

Somali parenting is really defective on both sides, I don’t understand why your dad acts like he’s the victim either, he needs to man up and make the decisions in the family for the benefit of everyone involved.

you are now an adult woman with a child, you shouldn’t still live at home and need to prioritise you’re child and their safety and healthy development. Because your child seeing this abuse will cause trauma and behavioural issues in the long run if not addressed and healed as early as possible, you are failing him as a mother.

This is a very serious situation that you seem to be taking lightly as Somalis do but I have to be stern with you, many Somalis have developmental trauma that manifests in unusual behaviour and makes the incapable to function properly in society or make rash decisions, addiction etc.

Allah did not tell us to live in misery or accept any form of abuse, your siblings issues aren’t your issues and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, his parents are still alive. The responsibility of his well-being is on his father and he will be asked on the day of judgment how well he performed his responsibilities not you.

please find your own place and live your life peacefully sister, you have to stand your ground and be brave.

wishing you the best In Shaa Allah ❤️
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Arranged marriages happen in my family. I know it’s not common in other Somali families but it’s practiced heavily in mine.

Mine was something I tried to get out of while there and couldn’t. We truly had nothing in common and tbh he only wanted the Canadian passport looking back.

I take responsibility and accountability that I still went through with it and got a baby out of it, to which he is innocent in all of this.

It was something truly pressured on me to do, and wish I could go back to stop it but Allah had it written.


I agree with all you said. My friend explained it as trauma dumping that some parents will put their trauma and stress onto their children that didn’t ask for it.

And expect you to stick around to take it.

I’m sorry but although our Hoyoo’s deserve respect, it doesn’t mean they can treat us like shit and put us through burdens.

They should love us to not put us through that.

The day I knew I had to leave was when I broke down crying getting my second vaccine at the doctors.

I calmed down, and called my abo, to which he told my mother.

Later that night, she laughed at me and said that I’m lying and exaggerating about it all, and that she doesn’t care about what I or my brothers are going through, and that she only cares about J well being.

That we don’t know what she going through ( we do we see it every day ) and that she wished she never birthed all of us.

I told her since my mental well being is at risk, I will eventually leave.
 
So sorry to hear this is happening to you.

I think you are a victim of your mothers abuse, you have childhood trauma of her pressuring you and using shaming tactics to manipulate you into agreeing to things, like why did you even have an arranged marriage with someone who lives in Somalia? Doesn’t even make sense what would you have in common apart from ethnicity?

Somali parenting is really defective on both sides, I don’t understand why your dad acts like he’s the victim either, he needs to man up and make the decisions in the family for the benefit of everyone involved.

you are now an adult woman with a child, you shouldn’t still live at home and need to prioritise you’re child and their safety and healthy development. Because your child seeing this abuse will cause trauma and behavioural issues in the long run if not addressed and healed as early as possible, you are failing him as a mother.

This is a very serious situation that you seem to be taking lightly as Somalis do but I have to be stern with you, many Somalis have developmental trauma that manifests in unusual behaviour and makes the incapable to function properly in society or make rash decisions, addiction etc.

Allah did not tell us to live in misery or accept any form of abuse, your siblings issues aren’t your issues and you shouldn’t feel guilty about it, his parents are still alive. The responsibility of his well-being is on his father and he will be asked on the day of judgment how well he performed his responsibilities not you.

please find your own place and live your life peacefully sister, you have to stand your ground and be brave.

wishing you the best In Shaa Allah ❤️
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Oh to answer your question about my abo, I’ve often told him that you shouldn’t let my mom make all the decisions that ultimately negatively effect us all, and that he is your son as well.

You should have a say in what happened in your household and your children.


Y’all wanna know some other tea ?

My abo ( step dad ) has other kids ranging from mid to late twenties. Two of them have visited since they work in the same town as him.

Either theyre really observant or someone told them something, but they asked my dad if the normal brother ( who’s 11, J is 13 ) can live with them.

The pointed out how my mother has a lot on her plate with J, and that’s it too much for her to also focus on the other brother.

They said he can live with them in Mississauga Toronto, where he’ll be able to live a normal life with his half siblings.

My mother spazzed out, refused for my brother to live with his other siblings.

She asked why they not offering the same for J ? I’m like …… they can’t take care of a autistic kid.

My and my abo think it’s a good idea, since my mom always beats him and screams at him for little things.

She takes the anger from J onto the other child which isn’t fair.


Damn I’m spilling tea.
 
Unfortunately some Hoyoo’s Beileve that their mistakes and wrong choices in life have to be placed on their children. Who had nothing to do with it.

It’s haasid but none of us love him, since he’s just a violent person who doesn’t know anything.

It’s the constant screaming and wailing he does all day and night that’s the worst.

No lie, he punched me in the ribs and maybe cause I’m a smaller woman, it left my ribs bruised and swollen for a few weeks.

And my mom just laughed it off. Saying he doesn’t know better 😒

There is no point dwelling in the past and that, but i'm curious. Why did your mum send your autistic brother to Somalia as a kid when that was the pivotal time to learn and get help?

No offense, but sending your own child half way across the world, who has learning difficulties sounds.... Crazy, so I find it ironic that she thinks your behavior is selfish for putting your child first, when frankly she should have put your brother first. Anyways, there could be more to the story, so i'm going to try and refrain from judgment.
 
There is no point dwelling in the past and that, but i'm curious. Why did your mum send your autistic brother to Somalia as a kid when that was the pivotal time to learn and get help?

No offense, but sending your own child half way across the world, who has learning difficulties sounds.... Crazy, so I find it ironic that she thinks your behavior is selfish for putting your child first, when frankly she should have put your brother first. Anyways, there could be more to the story, so i'm going to try and refrain from judgment.

Ok so good question. We was told way back in 2012 a year after they left that my mom wanted some of her children to be raised in a Islamic African environment unlike me and my other brothers who were all born in Canada.

She also mentioned other reasons I don’t quite remember, but that was supposedly the main reason.

And tbh my mom didn’t want to listen when me and others told her J was off. A lot of Hoyoo’s from what I’ve observed don’t acknowledge if there children have an issue, due to shame.

So when he went away, she never acknowledged he had a issue and pretended over 10 years he was fine, just hyper.

When I went to visit and got into that arranged marriage and I saw how bad he was, I told my family about it, to which my mother screamed that “why did I lie and say J is autistic when there’s nothing wrong with him. “


I personally know a few Hoyoo’s like this who had autistic children grown and raised here who ignored the signs and they turned out worse, then blame the vaccines or the white man lol
 
Wow sis that was honestly heartbreaking to read. It’s time for you to focus on yourself and your son! I’m sorry but your mother is selfish and is trying to guilt trip you. As soon as you can move out with your son because he comes first!
 
Wow sis that was honestly heartbreaking to read. It’s time for you to focus on yourself and your son! I’m sorry but your mother is selfish and is trying to guilt trip you. As soon as you can move out with your son because he comes first!

Thank you for your kind words, and I truly want the next year to be all about healing, for me and bonding more with my son, unlike this year, I couldn’t really focus on him due to me always having to watch and baby sit those two boys.

I even tried to go to counseling that they offer at my college, but with every appointment I had, my mom would make me baby sit J.

And that she didn’t beilve I needed counseling and that I had a gaalo mindset to even go that route.

Inshallah y’all make dua I get to my place before the end of this year. May Allah grant that for me.
I truly don’t think I can spend another year living like this.

I’m 27 and I don’t want to be in my 30s still there and wondering where my youth went and how I spent it being depressed. f*ck that.
 

IstarZ

A mere finger can’t obscure the sun.
Being autistic your brother has difficulty adjusting to change. The move to Canada must have been very difficult for him and he probably doesn’t understand what’s going on around him. He is violent because he is unable to communicate his needs the way we are able to and he feels frustrated. It doesn’t seem like he was taught how to communicate his needs in an acceptable manner and only Allah knows what kind of environment he was exposed to back home. Your brother’s challenging behaviour didn’t come out of thin air. He needs healthcare professionals to work with him and help manage his behaviour.

Your priority is your child and your own emotional and mental well-being. It’s not easy caring for a family member whether they are autistic or not. You will need respite. I think your mother is looking for that respite by unfairly expecting you to carry the load. It is exhausting and draining which is why you need to involve professionals. They can help your family explore different strategies and approaches that will work.

You need to sit down and talk to your mother. You have every right to prioritise your life and that of your child but you could also help your mother find the right support so she doesn’t need to rely solely on you. There must be Somali support groups for children with autism in your area. If your mother doesn’t trust cadaans she can speak to people in her own community who have children with ASD.
 
Being autistic your brother has difficulty adjusting to change. The move to Canada must have been very difficult for him and he probably doesn’t understand what’s going on around him. He is violent because he is unable to communicate his needs the way we are able to and he feels frustrated. It doesn’t seem like he was taught how to communicate his needs in an acceptable manner and only Allah knows what kind of environment he was exposed to back home. Your brother’s challenging behaviour didn’t come out of thin air. He needs healthcare professionals to work with him and help manage his behaviour.

Your priority is your child and your own emotional and mental well-being. It’s not easy caring for a family member whether they are autistic or not. You will need respite. I think your mother is looking for that respite by unfairly expecting you to carry the load. It is exhausting and draining which is why you need to involve professionals. They can help your family explore different strategies and approaches that will work.

You need to sit down and talk to your mother. You have every right to prioritise your life and that of your child but you could also help your mother find the right support so she doesn’t need to rely solely on you. There must be Somali support groups for children with autism in your area. If your mother doesn’t trust cadaans she can speak to people in her own community who have children with ASD.


Everything you have said is a good point. He was ripped from his environment and the mother he knows and he’s confused and acting out here.
May I also point out I have grown brothers that
reside here but have never helped out with babysitting or anything else.
Cause I’m the girl I have to do it.

I’ve told her if you need caregivers, get the Somali ones cause here in Alberta there’s a lot of Somali caregivers who help special need kids.
I was ignored.



Before he came here, i warned her for like two years , like hey get this ready for him in terms of medication and health professionals and other things that can make his adjustment here easier on all of us. Everything I advised was ignored and I was yelled at.

I’ve spoken with her multiple times, especially after the times he beat on her while I was away for school or errands.

I’ve spoken about how realistically he’ll get bigger and your already an older woman who can’t take the beatings any longer.

You can’t even contain him, even taking him to errands he would beat on her and others in public.

You simply can’t care for him in the future and like my abo and other relatives have said, he will eventually kill her perhaps due to her stubbornness.

I had to make her get a brain scan, due to him beating her head and I found her unconscious.

But when you state that you don’t care what we dealing with, and I’ve tried on multiple occasions to help her, I simply can’t do any more.
 
Take your son and run for the hills.


What’s funny is that, other people I know with autistic singling ( who ain’t as bad as ours ) will think people like me are cruel and selfish. And how can we hate a innocent boy like him looooool.


Spend one week in our house, and you’ll understand.
 
My hoyoo has the support even if I leave with my son.

And ya I don’t want my little boy traumatized by being in the environment.

May Allah help us all inshallah.
I have a sister that hides her kids from our drug addict brother. I completely command her for that. Put your child a priority. Be kind to your mom let her win all the arguments even you don’t agree. Take care of her when it comes to your child put his well being first. Don’t feel bad about that. It’s the right thing to do.your child gets to be a child only once make the best of it.
 
I have a sister that hides her kids from our drug addict brother. I completely command her for that. Put your child a priority. Be kind to your mom let her win all the arguments even you don’t agree. Take care of her when it comes to your child put his well being first. Don’t feel bad about that. It’s the right thing to do.your child gets to be a child only once make the best of it.


I commend your sister as well. Family
or not, when they dangerous you can’t put the kids at risk. I also have relatives with drug problems and mental illnesses and the aunties gets insulted when their siblings don’t bring their kids around ever.

Subhannalh sometimes our community really doesn’t treats and acknowledge any type of addiction or illness and wonder why the rest of the family doesn’t want anything to do with it.
 
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