30 year + old unmarried people: COME IN

D

Desert Flower

VIP
Finesse said:
!!

It's quite sad to be honest and I think it's like committing a sin against your children when you don't try to be the best you can be, for them at least!

I love seeing those mothers who clearly do their best for their children even though they may not have achieved much. You can see clearly, who cares and who is selfish/lazy and just got married to hide from life.

As in, messy houses, unkempt/ill-mannered children etc. etc.
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Exactly! So obvious. Insha’Allah if Allah blesses me with children I’ll do my best to be a great mother to them. First remembering that they’re a gift from Allah, and an amanah from Him. I don’t want to treat them like I own them or make their lives hell by being a control freak because for many, their children are the only things they can ‘control’ Subhana’Allah.
 
Finesse

Finesse

Desert Flower said:
Exactly! So obvious. Insha’Allah if Allah blesses me with children I’ll do my best to be a great mother to them. First remembering that they’re a gift from Allah, and an amanah from Him. I don’t want to treat them like I own them or make their lives hell by being a control freak because for many, their children are the only things they can ‘control’ Subhana’Allah.
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Aameen sis!

It's amazing when you have already experienced certain things in life and it allows you to be more emotionally intelligent when raising children!

You will raise them from a place of confidence, not from a place of fear.
 
Finesse

Finesse

SOULSEARCHING said:
Marriage these days is a joke. Couples divorce real quick and sometimes it's over the most smallest issue.
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The Somali community needs marriage counsellors.

I've heard that in Malaysia you cannot get married until you complete a course on marriage.

Somalis need this desperately.

So many people don't know how to communicate, how to meet their partners' needs, how to choose/pick their battles/words.

Marriage is WORK, it's not a fairytale.

You will see women that are too shy to tell their husband what they want in the bedroom for example. Or husbands that are too ignorant/stubborn to learn how to please their wives OR even recognise that they are hurting/not pleasing their wives.

SMH
 
D

Desert Flower

VIP
Finesse said:
Aameen sis!

It's amazing when you have already experienced certain things in life and it allows you to be more emotionally intelligent when raising children!

You will raise them from a place of confidence, not from a place of fear.
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Yes indeed Insha’Allah. I don’t see myself being a Martyr or a control freak. I’m pretty flexible and calm irl + I understand that you need a lot of patience when raising kids. Not to mention, children need structure and guidance; do Somali families even have a routine set up for their kids? Most of us were raised in utter chaos.
 
Finesse

Finesse

Desert Flower said:
Yes indeed Insha’Allah. I don’t see myself being a Martyr or a control freak. I’m pretty flexible and calm irl + I understand that you need a lot of patience when raising kids. Not to mention, children need structure and guidance; do Somali families even have a routine set up for their kids? Most of us where raised in utter chaos.
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Yeah, I cannot see how people effectively raise 5 plus children without having a military regime for themselves. Exact wakeup time, food prepping etc. etc.

Also, how do people maintain their sanity when they barely have alone time?

Allah bless our mothers, especially the diaspora ones who had no help and managed to shape us into sane adults :frdfvsb::it0tdo8:
 
D

Desert Flower

VIP
Finesse said:
The Somali community needs marriage counsellors.

I've heard that in Malaysia you cannot get married until you complete a course on marriage.

Somalis need this desperately.

So many people don't know how to communicate, how to meet their partners' needs, how to choose/pick their battles/words.

Marriage is WORK, it's not a fairytale.

You will see women that are too shy to tell their husband what they want in the bedroom for example. Or husbands that are too ignorant/stubborn to learn how to please their wives OR even recognise that they are hurting/not pleasing their wives.

SMH
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Because people send their representatives when they’re getting to know someone. It’s all fake and then they bait and switch after the wedding. Best thing is to be honest, or even start off as friends so you can see the real person.
 
Finesse

Finesse

I suspect that people who judge people for not being married at a certain age are also womb-watchers, the ones who are always checking people for being pregnant and encouraging many offspring.

If we are taught to knock on doors before entering, what makes us think we have the right to enter someone's personal affairs without an invitation?
 
Finesse

Finesse

Desert Flower said:
Because people send their representatives when they’re getting to know someone. It’s all fake and then they bait and switch after the wedding. Best thing is to be honest, or even start off as friends so you can see the real person.
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I've seen Somali men say "gabadha been baa lagu xareeya, runtaa lagu dhaqa" (excuse my spelling).

It's so silly on their part because if they're honest, they'll eventually meet a lady who is willing to accept them and their meher money isn't wasted!

Let's be real, most of these khiyaano marriages don't last, you cannot build a strong home on a false foundation.

Beenta hala dhaafo
 
Abdisamad

Abdisamad

VIP
Finesse said:
Perfectly said!

Many people don't even get this level of wisdom and insight until they are much older, so had they gotten married at 21, they would have gotten divorced or been unhappy.

Whereas some people are already emotionally intelligent/prepared to do this at an early stage.

This is what I meant earlier, it could be that you are not married yet because you are supposed to resolve some issues or achieve some milestones.
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In my opinion there are different factors that make people marry at a young age.
A. The biggest factor is of course love (too many young and strong hormones at play here)
B. Social norms (the older generation are pushing the youth to get married quick, to avoid haram stuff)
C. Some girls just want to move from their parents and the only they can achieve is through marriage.
 
D

Desert Flower

VIP
Finesse said:
I've seen Somali men say "gabadha been baa lagu xareeya, runtaa lagu dhaqa" (excuse my spelling).

It's so silly on their part because if they're honest, they'll eventually meet a lady who is willing to accept them and their meher money isn't wasted!

Let's be real, most of these khiyaano marriages don't last, you cannot build a strong home on a false foundation.

Beenta hala dhaafo
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some do last but there’s a lot of anger and resentment. Not to mention, how long can you keep up the lie?
 
Finesse

Finesse

Desert Flower said:
some do last but there’s a lot of anger and resentment. Not to mention, how long can you keep up the lie?
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Sadly, many men and women would rather stay with a liar than to be called a "divorcee".
There is nothing wrong with being a divorcee if you didn't cause it to begin with.

The less people tolerate nonsense, the less people will be inclined to lie/cheat their way into marriage.

Hugs to all my divorcees/single parents whose marriages dissolved because of lies.

You survived, now you are stronger.
 
D

Desert Flower

VIP
Abdisamad3 said:
In my opinion there are different factors that make people marry at a young age.
A. The biggest factor is of course love (too many young and strong hormones at play here)
B. Social norms (the older generation are pushing the youth to get married quick, to avoid haram stuff)
C. Some girls just want to move from their parents and the only they can achieve is through marriage.
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Don’t blame them. Many Somali girls are surrogate mothers to their siblings, they have no free time for themselves and they can’t do what they want because they live under their moms house rules. So for many they’re like, I’d rather just move out so I can have my own place with my own decor and my own rules. It’s the truth. Plus a lot of Somali families are mostly buuq iyo qeylo and there’s no space to breathe.
 
Finesse

Finesse

This topic is especially important because there are many single people over 30 in the Somali community, who through no fault of their own, are being stigmatised/judged for not rushing to meet these unrealistic timelines/standards.

Stand strong.
 
Finesse

Finesse

Abdisamad3 said:
In my opinion there are different factors that make people marry at a young age.
A. The biggest factor is of course love (too many young and strong hormones at play here)
B. Social norms (the older generation are pushing the youth to get married quick, to avoid haram stuff)
C. Some girls just want to move from their parents and the only they can achieve is through marriage.
Click to expand...

See?

All societal factors, nothing to do with Islam and making the right choices. May we all be guided into making right choices for us.
 
Abdisamad

Abdisamad

VIP
Desert Flower said:
Don’t blame them. Many Somali girls are surrogate mothers to their siblings, they have no free time for themselves and they can’t do what they want because they live under their moms house rules. So for many they’re like, I’d rather just move out so I can have my own place with my own decor and my own rules. It’s the truth. Plus a lot of Somali families are mostly buuq iyo qeylo and there’s no space to breathe.
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True walahi..
Thats why one shouldn't have more than 3 at max 4 kids.. When you have too many kids like some Somali families do, you will lose the overview and the capacity to give your kids a good quality life.
 
Last edited:
Halimo-2018

Halimo-2018

VIP
Thanks.
i tend to see a lot of single moms who are way happier than married women. Why is that abayo?
It use to be the other way around even single dads who are happier that way lol
 
Abdisamad

Abdisamad

VIP
I forget to add..It's important the father is there for the kids.. Even if you are divorced, make a co-parenting agreement so the mother can have a breathing space and the father can have some quality time with his kids....Some men tend to completely disappear from their kids life as soon as they divorce the mother.. Another thing I would like to advice against is... Please never claim single mother/parent benefits if you're married it's haram money and a root cause of a broken family.. Put your trust in Allah and work hard.. Take two jobs if thats what it takes.. Allah will bless you.
 
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